Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and Psalm 42:5
We find ourselves at the crossroads of life. Most of our children grown and gone, and one nearing that precious point in time when he too will leave to begin to fulfill his own destiny.
I have always believed that you raise children to let them go, so that is not so much causing the disturbance within my soul; it is much more what comes next.
We are, or actually I am in the "Sandwich Generation" as I care for my elderly and ailing parents and finish raising my family. God has richly blessed me with all these people to love and minister to however I know that these days are rushing to a close on all accounts.
My spirit is disquieted within me as the "then what?" question. It is not as though my ministry opportunities will be gone, as the counseling and discipling of women never ceases, I will have my husband and family to love until we all go to the Lord. There is just a quiet ache today.
Perhaps it is because we are preparing to sell the home that we raised all our children in. The only home our youngest has ever known. The old walls of this home have heard a lot of laughter and seen many wonderful events of our family. The sounds of births, graduations, new spouses, friends and loved ones have all echoed through our home. These walls have also witnessed tears and pain as we struggled mightily through dark days and nights of fear at things we could not control and as we wondered at times what would become of us.
Perhaps it is because we do not know where to go next. Our desire is to minister as full time as possible. However as our older years are getting closer we realize that we must make provisions for those days when we may be unable to work due to illness or simply being old.
Perhaps it is because I know my youth is behind me now. I can see that clearly as I look into the mirror and see little lines around my eyes. I used to console myself by saying it was from decades of pulling on them while wearing contact lenses. However, I have a sneaking suspicion there is more at play here now...
Perhaps it is because what I want, I may not be able to have. God may exercise His sovereignty over my life and steer its course in another direction entirely. Away from this State, away from the ministry I love so dearly, away from people and all that is familiar to me. Stretching me again in the realm of change--something I dislike overall. I console myself by saying that should not happen soon (if at all) because I have responsibilities here. I am still in the middle of the "sandwich." But these things can change in the blink of an eye...
The Psalmist says, "Put your hope in God for I will yet praise him." He is my only hope for all of life. I do know that what His will is for us will be done. I do surrender my plans to Him, believing that His plan is greater, wiser, and more wonderful than I could ever imagine. I do praise my God, even when my soul is downcast for I know He loves me, and all His plans for me are good.
I can trust Him with my future and where I shall live and who I will minister to when I get there. He has seen the end from the beginning before time existed and His ways are perfect. I will trust You, oh my God! Bless the Lord oh my soul!