A Beggar at the Table

I have received several great insights from the Lord. 1) While I will receive a new and glorified body in heaven, one that will be perfect, my Savior will for all eternity bear the scars of my punishment upon His body. Forever will be the nail marks in His hands and feet and forever will be the mark of the spear in His side. So that when I am accused before the throne of the Almighty One, for the sin I continue to commit, Jesus can show the scars and say, "see, I have paid for that with these." Oh the thought of my careless sins grieves me at this moment. That I would take so for granted the wounds He bears on my behalf.

2) I am far, far, far to self-reliant. I am far too independent. I too much want to go my own way in my own wisdom- such as it is. I am prideful. I do not confess my need of Him as I ought to. I go tra la la la la-ing my way through my days, rarely consulting Him about my plans.

Places of adversity- they cause me to cling desperately to Him like He prevents me from falling off the cliff. And then when I am on top of the mountain again, seemingly out of danger, I brush my knees off, wipe my face and go on my way again until the next thing hurls me overboard. Oh what a wretch I am .... I need Thee, I need Thee, every hour I need Thee... no wonder that song has never meant anything to me before- because I DON'T think I need Him. I can do it all myself thanks, and if I do need ya, I'll give a little whistle. Ugh, disgusting. I am shamed by my own pride and self sufficiency.

Oh God may I never be so independent! Keep me close Lord. Do not let me stray from You Lord! I beg You Lord, I don't want to be independent, I want to be God dependent! I want to know I need you every hour. God that it would not take crisis or terror to realize it, that I would just always be “there.” That You would be my guide through this life in more than just a song, or a prayer. But that You would be my constant companion, shielding, guiding, directing my paths, leading the way through this maze of life here, helping me to see the importance and unimportance of so many things I think in my foolish wisdom are so vital. Oh God, help me - I am such a sinner still.
Thank You that I am seeing this, help me not to forget! Help me to remember this always Lord!

As I plan for the future that begins tomorrow, be my guide, be the Captain, be the Lord of my life. Help me, help me, help me. I want You to lead me. And yes, I hear the words of the enemy of my soul, who tempts me with all that I will lose by such proclamations. I hear him, telling me what I will give up (as if I had it to begin with, ha!) It is all so phony. I never had any of it anyway. Help me Lord to see Your plan that begins tomorrow, and not to be lulled by the trappings of this world. Help me to make wise decisions based upon what You would have me do. Help me, good and gracious God.