The moods of the unlovable person change with the wind. Because they are mostly feeling oriented and feeling driven they appear to be “manic-depressive” in their behavior. What this means in biblical terms is sinner. Specifically prideful and selfish. The world of the unlovable person revolves around what they perceive to be their needs and wants. If they “feel” like doing something they will, if they don’t “feel” like doing it, they won’t. When their perceived needs are not met you receive an angry silence or hostility from them.
One man said, “I cannot tell you how hard it is for me. There is a voice in my head that tells me to say to her, ‘you are disgusting, get out of here!’”
You have to set boundaries on what you will or won’t tolerate from them. Clear expectations on acceptable conduct are necessary. Sometimes the boundaries come in the form of consequences like the break-up of a relationship. Many times with such people we must evaluate - be vigilant as to when they impose on us an expectation or term that we somehow we must never fall short of satisfying their demands as if we are at fault if their happiness is not achieved.
“My son lost a perfectly wonderful young woman because she got fed up with his mood, selfishness, and disregard for her in how he treated her and talked to her.”
They are apparently unable to understand how hurtful they are!
Worse of all, we want to fix them. We mistakenly believe that if we are just nicer, more loving, and more patient; give them all they want that they will change. This is false. It is not about us it is about them and it will remain that way until they repent. There will never be enough for them, they won’t be satisfied. What meets those needs today, won’t tomorrow.
“My son once told me that if he could get the super charged turbo car of his dreams he would be happy. This car came with a 5 year payment! He honestly believed that this car would keep him happy for 5 years if he could have it.”
From Man in the Mirror: "he speaks about how the luster fades for such things within a couple of weeks. How long is it the biggest and the best? It is a temporal thing and its pleasures are fleeting."
The problem for those of us who love unlovable people is that we do love them! We love them deeply and completely. If we are spiritually minded we hurt for them because we can see the real need they have is repentance and change (Eph 4:22-30) and it is very painful for us as we watch them flounder and seek after all the wrong things.
What they need from us to do is to pray that God will bring then to the end of themselves. We want them to want what God wants for them, and to desire in their hearts to love and serve Him only. Calvin said the heart is an idol factory, their idols live on a carousel! It seems they can change from hour to hour and day to day. Once again they presuppose that they must get the brass ring of each idol as it comes and goes.These things feel so important in the moment, but fly away as quickly as they come.