Accountability For the Unlovable

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Something that tends to make the people that would be “unlovable” is that we cannot trust them, and holding them accountable is not easy. These unlovables are manipulative and some are quite charming when it suits them. Or they are intimidating and we fear crossing them out of fear they will harm us in some way, even possibly becoming violent.

Accountability is an important component in loving these people. Helping them understand that their actions have consequences for them and others is a part of loving them. At the same time, enforcing the accountability is hard! It seems so much easier to just let things go on as they always have, making excuses for them, and cleaning up their messes when we can. We are not helping them by doing this.

You see, when a wife covers the drunks bounced check, she has just bought him his next drink. Often she does this because it just becomes too difficult to fight against him and she holds out the hope that he will change. What she fails to realize is that giving in to them makes them more unlovely and not better. I have learned that there comes a time when giving grace to an unlovable person is detrimental to them. There is a better way!

We must realize that we are helping them when we enforce the rules we set down and stop buying into their excuses, manipulations, and blame shifting and charming smiles.

How many times have we found ourselves bowing down to our idol of peace and convenience, caving in so to speak when we would have been better pursuing God’s will by proper biblical correction.

“As much as I dislike holding him accountable and all the emotional outbursts and hurt feelings it brings; I know that to do otherwise is harming him now. He takes advantage of our grace. He assumes it will be given to him and that nothing will be required of him or expected of him. Our grace is being abused and he is not seeing it as grace. He is seeing us as fools and pushovers. The grace intended to bring him to repentance and change has not accomplished that in his life. It has allowed him to continue to sin.”

So we must change our approach, be firmer, and give consequences for his lack of responsibility.

“My unlovable person is a habitual liar. She would just as soon lie as tell the truth. Even when the truth means admitting to a simple mistake, or error, she prefers to lie and make excuses. I can only point out the obvious and listen to the objections and protestations that I am wrong and she is right- even though it is plainly obvious that she is lying. It breaks my heart to be so helpless.”

“I tell her I wish I could believe her, but that I strongly suspect she is not being truthful with me. I tell her that lying destroys any remaining trust I have for her. I also tell her that I intend to check up on her story and that if I am going to find out what she told me is a lie, that I would rather hear the truth from her than someone else. Sometimes she comes clean, but at least she knows I am done allowing her to lie without being challenged.”

This parent understands that these are issues of the heart. A heart so prideful that admitting a mistake is nearly impossible for her! What is the fear about in admitting a mistake? It is about not being perfect, being found out for being human and capable of making an error. It is outrageous pride.

They make our lives so miserable. It is not a joy to be their parent. The hours when they are gone at school or work are times when peace exists in the house. We dread their coming home and look forward to the time they will leave again. And yet, we know this is not right! We sorrow because this is not how we want it to be, we want the Hallmark moments, kisses goodbye; “love you” as they walk out the door. We long for a nice family dinner, or a movie night without a conflict. As hard as we think we try it never seems to be enough. It seems we are always left in some conflict or awkward silence. Conversation is like tripping through a mine field. We desire to communicate but fear each topic will bring a new argument or some new area of dissention.

A part of every parent with an unlovable child wonders, “Where did I go wrong?” How did I mess this up so badly that he/she has turned out this way? We question ourselves constantly, sometimes holding up our other children “success stories” to the light as though to prove to ourselves it could not possibly be us that messed up. We wonder about “the bad seed” and demon possession/oppression. We wonder (constantly) about the salvation of these kids and never arrive at the answer to the elusive question of “are they really saved?”

We watch for ANY glimmer of hope or evidence to support the profession of faith they made as children in Sunday School, or Pioneer Club, or AWANA. But most of all we fear. We fear for them. We fear for their eternal destiny and we fear for them in the here and now in so many ways.

to be continued...

On being thankful...

Dear Friends,

In spite of all that is wrong in our world, country, and personal lives today we have much to be thankful for today my reading friends.

Each of us is in our own world of struggle and pain or sorrow at this time for a plethora of reasons. I am not going to trivialize your struggles today with a posting on "don't worry, be happy." Instead, I thought I would give you a quote from one of the great ones, Paul Tripp.

As I was teaching a class on the Sovereignty of God the other night I quoted Paul Tripp from his great book, "Lost In the Middle" and thought that I would post it here for you to reflect on this Thanksgiving Day, 2008. My prayer for you is that you take these words to heart today and with a grateful heart rejoice in all you have in Christ.

Blessings to you.

From the book “Lost In the Middle” by Paul David Tripp, (p195)

“All the things that are really worth living for, no one can take away from you. They are locked safely away in God’s celestial vault. No one can take God’s love away from you. No one can steal His forgiveness. No one can take His Holy Spirit from within you. No one can rob you of His strength or wisdom. No one can take away your justification or adoption. No one can pilfer your deliverance from the presence and power of sin. The real riches of life that you and I could never earn, which are only obtained as a gift, are never at risk.

“They can take your job. They can take your house. They can damage your health. They can reject, oppress, and abuse you. They can rob your possessions and empty your bank account. They can rob you of friends and family. But the most essential and wonderful things in all of life are unassailable. No one can touch them. They are guaranteed…

“No matter what you are going through now, it is vital to remember that God harnessed the forces of nature, controlled the events of human history and sent and sacrificed His one and only Son in order to give you a new birth. No matter how hard the difficulties of the present seem, you need to say to yourself, “This is not it for me, because I have a rich and eternal future that has been locked away and guaranteed. Whatever is at stake at this moment cannot rob me of the new life and eternal hope that God has given me, and those are the only things that are really worth living for.”

Thoughts on Loving the Unlovable Ones (CONTINUED)

The moods of the unlovable person change with the wind. Because they are mostly feeling oriented and feeling driven they appear to be “manic-depressive” in their behavior. What this means in biblical terms is sinner. Specifically prideful and selfish. The world of the unlovable person revolves around what they perceive to be their needs and wants. If they “feel” like doing something they will, if they don’t “feel” like doing it, they won’t. When their perceived needs are not met you receive an angry silence or hostility from them.

One man said, “I cannot tell you how hard it is for me. There is a voice in my head that tells me to say to her, ‘you are disgusting, get out of here!’”

You have to set boundaries on what you will or won’t tolerate from them. Clear expectations on acceptable conduct are necessary. Sometimes the boundaries come in the form of consequences like the break-up of a relationship. Many times with such people we must evaluate - be vigilant as to when they impose on us an expectation or term that we somehow we must never fall short of satisfying their demands as if we are at fault if their happiness is not achieved.

“My son lost a perfectly wonderful young woman because she got fed up with his mood, selfishness, and disregard for her in how he treated her and talked to her.”

They are apparently unable to understand how hurtful they are!

Worse of all, we want to fix them. We mistakenly believe that if we are just nicer, more loving, and more patient; give them all they want that they will change. This is false. It is not about us it is about them and it will remain that way until they repent. There will never be enough for them, they won’t be satisfied. What meets those needs today, won’t tomorrow.

“My son once told me that if he could get the super charged turbo car of his dreams he would be happy. This car came with a 5 year payment! He honestly believed that this car would keep him happy for 5 years if he could have it.”

From Man in the Mirror: "he speaks about how the luster fades for such things within a couple of weeks. How long is it the biggest and the best? It is a temporal thing and its pleasures are fleeting."

The problem for those of us who love unlovable people is that we do love them! We love them deeply and completely. If we are spiritually minded we hurt for them because we can see the real need they have is repentance and change (Eph 4:22-30) and it is very painful for us as we watch them flounder and seek after all the wrong things.

What they need from us to do is to pray that God will bring then to the end of themselves. We want them to want what God wants for them, and to desire in their hearts to love and serve Him only. Calvin said the heart is an idol factory, their idols live on a carousel! It seems they can change from hour to hour and day to day. Once again they presuppose that they must get the brass ring of each idol as it comes and goes.These things feel so important in the moment, but fly away as quickly as they come.

continued thoughts next time

Thoughts on Loving the Unlovable Ones

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Throughout this post you will see that I refer to your loved ones as “unlovable.” I wish to explain my use of this word at the outset. To refer to someone as unlovable is a difficult thing to do, however in this context it is appropriate.

I am not saying these people are beyond redemption, or that they are incapable of being loved. I am saying that their actions and attitudes have brought your relationship to the point where every aspect of your relationship with them is painful, hostile, and adversarial. The only person they appear to care about is themselves and they give little thought or care to how they affect you. You love them deeply, and you are concerned for them. You want to love them otherwise you would not be hanging in there.

They make it very, very difficult. Your love is often not returned or acknowledged, they treat you as though you "owe" them, there is so little respect for you or your wishes, they lie to you, sometimes steal from you, and hurt you all the time. All they appear to care about is how you affect them. Your loved one is supremely selfish and self-focused.

You have to remember that when Jesus gave His life for all of us, we were extremely unlovely. We were filthy horrific sinners and smelled of death. Our task is the same one in application that Jesus performed. While we cannot save them from their sin or from themselves, the task before us is to love the unlovely. Can you recognize and accept why Christ has given you the burden for this person? (good question!) In what ways does this persons unlovliness remind you of a time when you were similarly unlovely?

-->Another question I have for you is, can you glory in the cross you carry for the joy set before you of being conformed to Christ-likeness? Can you accept their place in your life as being a tool God is using to change your heart?

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Often, we try (and fail) to change them. And while some behavioral changes can take place and seem to stick for a while- sadly they don't last. Those who are the beneficiaries of some good Bible centered counsel know that behavior change is only temporary.

When you love an unlovable person you must pray that God will capture their heart. You know you cannot change them at all. As much as you want to change their actions or attitude, particularly toward you, you must realize you cannot. Only One can change them, only He can change them. So you pray, and pray that they will somehow want to change to conform to the image of Christ. You hope and pray that something, anything will cause them to long for Him more than anything else they desire. If prayer appears to go unanswered it becomes depressing and discouraging. Most people quit because they can't stand the discouragement.

Chuck Swindol points out that the ending of the book of Hosea does not have a happy ending, but rather leaves you hanging, wondering what the end of their story is. We never know if Gomer repents and turns only to Hosea and remains faithful, but we do know that Hosea was faithful to her.

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The only form of Christ likeness that person may recognize is your devotion to them.

Loving the Unlovable Child

You might be thinking that is a horrible thing to say! How could any sweet child be unlovable? How could any parent think or dare to say such a thing?

As much as I hate to burst your bubble, I have met many children who are quite unlovable and give their parents a terrible time. What does a parent do when their child is rebellious, ornery, hateful and impossible to live with? How do we treat a child who refuses to obey, or runs away from home, uses drugs, or gets in trouble with the law?

Parenting books abound in our culture, one after the other telling parents to carefully guard the child's self-esteem and to build him or her up with positive comments and to be sure the child is the center of the home. This is contrary to the Bible's instruction on parenting. The Bible instructs parents to train children to be obedient, reverent toward God, and to live their lives for Him. This is the exact opposite of the world's philosophy of child centered parenting.

Let me begin by dealing with "Christian" kids who are unlovable. These would be kids whose parents are faithful church goers, involved in ministry, read their Bibles and their kids have been
in Awana, Sunday School and VBS all their lives. Many of these kids "got saved" as youngsters and have possibly been baptized. When they were very young they were difficult to control, did not listen well or cooperate well for you. As they grew they got worse. The parents of their friends love them and often tell you your child calls them "mom" or "dad." They describe your child as wonderful and helpful and kind and declare that he or she is a delight to have around.

This certainly does not match the person who lives in your house! It is a painful realization to come to when you understand that your child is two very different people, depending on the audience; and that the one that lives with you is the real deal.

Many parents are shocked and dismayed when, despite the years of training they have put in to their child the child does not turn out to be godly. One mom was very upset when she understood that Proverbs 22:6 is not a promise. Some people have been taught that the Proverbs are to be claimed as promises and that is not so. There is no guarantee that just because you put all the right things in your child that he or she will come out a godly person. Each person must decide for him or herself if they will obey God.

If your child follows Jesus Christ it is by God's grace and mercy and nothing else. If your child does not follow Him, some very difficult realizations will follow.

Pray for your child daily, continue to live in a way that he or she sees Christ in you rather than harping and nagging at them about it. Live biblical principles, and be "real" with your child. Admit when you blow it and don't be afraid to admit you have been wrong and by all means, ask their forgiveness when you sin against them. One of the most critical things I have learned about loving the unlovable child is that you must accept them just as they are right now.

One family was looking for help regarding their teenage son. He listened to hip hop/rap music, wore his pants around his thighs, and was worldly in almost every imaginable way. Because the young man was involved in pornography he had no access to the family computers. He avoided his family and lived what the parents described as a "hotel existence", being there only to sleep and eat when he had to. His father was a minister and was quite distressed about how to handle his son. The more he pushed his son to conform, the further away his son withdrew. Fights and screaming matches were common at home, and their son nearly hated his father.

The first thing we had to help the parents understand is that while they did not have to (nor should they) condone their son's actions, they must begin to accept who their son is as a person. He has his own likes and dislikes and preferences in style and while they are not the same as the parent's are, it is ok unless these likes and dislikes are sinful. For example: there was nothing sinful about his pants, he just looked sloppy. Dad agreed to stop harping on the pants on a daily basis and to tell his son that he would do so. He also asked his son to wear pants that fit better if they had to go someplace together for ministry purposes. As far as his music tastes went, the son was agreeable to listening to Contemporary Christian Music alternatives in the hip/hop/rap genre at home. Anything else was not allowed in the house and if it was found it would be destroyed.

These were just a few of the first steps we made toward helping these people begin to love one another again. Accepting your child as he or she is right now at least leaves the door open for future conversation!

Of course, illegal activity such as drugs and underage drinking or driving under the influence does not fit in these parameters. A clear line must be drawn on illegal activity of all kinds.

More on this next time.

Living With an Abdicator

In this little journey on loving the unlovable, we began by looking at men who abdicate their responsibility to lead in the home. Let me start by saying that living with an abdicating leader is not easy, especially if you are a strong woman.

I would be such a woman. I am often joked about being a Deborah - a strong woman with leadership abilities. This has its up side, as I am strong and independent. It also has its down side as I tend to want to take over the universe.

My husband is a wonderful, God-loving and God-reverencing man who lovingly leads our family. He would not be unlovable nor would he fit into the category of an abdicator. I understand that not all wives are as blessed as I am.

If you are a woman who is married to a man who will not lead, you have to realize you will not change him, you cannot change him. Only the Lord can do those changes in his life, because they begin in his heart.

For a man to willingly take on a harder way of life he has to be convinced it is to his benefit (ordinarily) and headship is not easy. The Lord has to convict him, and change that selfish part of him that desires ease and comfort.

Women frequently complain to me that their husband won't make a decision or take a leadership role so they have to do it. My question is, why would he lead when he doesn't have to? If you are doing his job what reason does he have to fight you for it? Many times, it is a fight too. We don't want to give up that control, or power and it is evident as we criticize the decision he does make! We tell him to lead, and then refuse in practice to get out of the way!

So my question for you is, are you standing in the way of his leadership in your home? Are you critical of his decisions? Do you contradict him and belittle him? If so, then the first problem in this equation is you.

Begin by confessing the sin of your heart to God. This would be the sin of pride as you have believed in your heart that you believe your way is better than God's way. Then re-read key passages of Scripture about your role in the home, Proverbs 31, Titus 2, 1 Peter 3, Ephesians 5 and many others. Then pray and ask God's help in changing your heart toward submission and leadership. Find a Godly woman in your church who can help you to learn these principles and then begin to build them into your life. Be aware of the times you respond sinfully to your husband, and confess to him that you have become aware of your usurping his authority in the home and ask his forgiveness.

Then give him the room to be the leader. Stop making decisions, stop doing his job and put him back in the place to succeed. This is going to be a process ladies! If you have been living this way for a decade you cannot expect things to change in a week.

I already know that some of you are thinking about what you should do when he simply refuses to lead... we will look at that next time.

Please be patient with me, I am having computer issues, and posting times will very in the next few days! Blessings to you.

The Cost of Serving Him

A Psalm of A Suffering Servant - From the Archives of Time Gone By

Well God, what are You up to? How can it be your will for me to struggle this way? How can it be your will that I struggle so? How can this be God? How can it be your will...

Am I wrong God? Am I? Have I made yet another terrible mistake? What do I do? So many times it seemed I was doing what was right, and every time it seems I get myself into a hole deeper than the one before it. What do I DO? You are the one with all the answers, and I need some of them. I want some of them!

It is so HARD not to accuse you of wrongdoing! It is so hard to keep looking at you as good and merciful and loving in all ways because of how this seems to turn out all the time. I KNOW you are not cruel and I don't know why you always let things go this way for me. What are you trying to do that has not already been done? How much of me is left that needs to be crushed? How much remains that is in need of conforming? How much of me still is out of line with what you want me to be??

These are cries of my heart God, stuff you know is there anyway, why hide it? You see all the yuk and filth so why not just let it out to you. It is so hard not to be angry and bitter toward you...you the keeper of all the gold and money in the universe and my needs are so comparatively small...why do you withhold from me when you can see the need?

What would you have me do? What are you doing...what are you doing... I am so tired of worrying and being afraid of things I cannot readily control... Always having that feeling that I am one step away from disaster, trying to make things out of the air. What am I supposed to do God? What am I supposed to do?

You TELL me what to do.

"Glorify You"..."Glorify You"...I want to cry... Help, help, help...I am discouraged and low in heart and spirit. I am weary and tired. I want you to help me.

Abraham, Moses, David, Jeremiah, Naomi, Paul and many others have walked this path and had to count the cost of serving Him. It is deep and personal, joyful heady stuff that comes with soaring highs and deep, dark lows.

Each servant of God Most High pays a personal cost in serving Him because He takes all, He takes each of us as we are but He does not leave us that way. He conforms and transforms us from the heart outward and often times His grace is the only anesthetic there is- and sometimes, grace feels like an aspirin for the pain of open heart surgery. Sometimes experiencing the pain is unavoidable and the pain is intentional.

Service to the King is not for the faint of heart, or for those who lack commitment. If God chooses you to serve Him, He will prepare you, strengthen you, enable you to endure the rigors of being in His heavenly court.

Walking on Water

Peter said to Him, “Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water.” And He said, “Come!” And Peter got out of the boat, and walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But seeing the wind, he became frightened, and beginning to sink, he cried out, “Lord, save me Immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and took hold of him, and said* to him, “You of little faith, why did you doubt?” Matthew 14:28-31

These verses pretty well sum up my life at the moment. Those of you who read regularly know the upheaval my personal life is in at this time. My mom continues to decline in health, my home is for sale, my husband has accepted a new job in a new State, and we are leaving behind all I have ever known. In just a few short weeks my hunny will be leaving without me and we will be living apart until all is finished here. We have never been apart for longer than a week and this could be for several months! It would be so easy to just simply go under the waves and allow all this to sweep me away and indeed at times it is very tempting to do so.

Are you ever so overwhelmed by circumstances that you are nearly paralyzed? I have occasionally found myself there over these last weeks and months. Each time I take my eyes off of Jesus and focus on what is happening in my life, I start to go under from the turmoil in life.

This passage is a great reminder to keep my eyes and my heart focused on Christ. Peter learned very quickly that he could continue to defy the odds and truly walk on water in the midst of the storm as long as he kept his eyes locked on Christ. You and I can do the very same thing even in the midst of great storms with trials that want to swamp the boat.

Jesus Christ is our only hope, He is our only "port" in the storms of life. We must keep our eyes fixed on Him, He is our refuge and strength and an ever present help in time of need.

Well, How Do You Like Me Now?

Christians have this belief that we are to be favored by God. we like that part of the Bible and choose to take it very literally, believing that because of Christ that things are gong to go our way, like will be grand and we will drift through life unscathed or with just a few dings in the sidewalls. We expect to have enough money, a good job, children who will behave and grow up without real problems (you know, like other people's kids have), faithful spouses and live a long and healthy life.

Those of us who have been around a while know that is rarely if ever the case. Many of our situations turn out to be what we would view as "worst case scenarios."

When Israel was leaving Egypt they thought that because they were the chosen people that their trek from captivity to freedom would be an easy one. In many, many ways it was but that did not stop them from grumbling and complaining about not having enough of the food they liked, or about being thirsty, or about who God had set over them to lead.

God very often denies us our wants and even what we perceive to be our needs. In those moments it is human and natural to wonder what God is trying to accomplish in us by denying us what appears to be good for us.

We know we are to have faith, and we do have faith. We believe and want to watch God reveal Himself and work through circumstances. We want to see Him do something spectacular for us like we know He is able to do! Prayer goes up, faith and hope build up and we anxiously await how God will razzle dazzle us.

Whether it be waiting for the check to appear in the mail, that surprise bonus, the broken car to be an easy fix, our child to make first string or first chair, that troubled relationship to be resolved, whatever the situation is we are counting on God to make it happen.

And there are times He does not.

The struggle to understand is huge. We lack understanding in how God works in these moments and days. We ask questions like, "Why does God smash my faith over and over again?" Because that is how it feels. It feels like God builds us up only to let us down. It feels like God is playing with our emotions and our faith. Almost as though God is saying to us, "How do you like Me now?"

Beloved, it is not true. It is a gross injustice to accuse God of such cruelty. Our God is a loving and compassionate God full of tenderness, mercy, understanding, righteousness and holiness. He would violate every aspect of who He is if those thoughts were true.

He loves you and you are His child. There are times when our human fathers do things we do not understand or like and they are finite beings; how much more our infinite heavenly Father who is far beyond our ability to comprehend?

Let the wicked forsake his way And the unrighteous man his thoughts; And let him return to the LORD, And He will have compassion on him, And to our God, For He will abundantly pardon. “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” declares the LORD. “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways And My thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:7-9

Be cautious and wise in your thoughts and meditations about the Lord. He is working things in your heart and life that you cannot comprehend at this point in time. Continue to love and trust and obey Him- because it brings Him glory that you do!

A Slave to Sin

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Jesus Christ combats our sin with His mercy and grace not shame and banishment! If He didn’t do that to us in our unredeemed state, why would He do that in our redeemed state?

But, you may ask, what if we choose to commit the same sin over and over again? What about when we fall in the same area time after time and continue to plunge headlong into a particular area of sinful behavior?

If this describes you, what I can tell you is you are not living as though you believe Romans 6. One who struggles with a repetitive sin either doesn’t care about that sin, or they don’t believe they are able to stop sinning.

What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin so that grace may increase? May it never be! How shall we who died to sin still live in it? Or do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus have been baptized into His death? Romans 6:1-3

These verses tell us that we have been freed from the power that sin holds over us, and that any sinning we do now is by choice. We are no longer obligated to obey those sinful thoughts and desires but on some level you must not believe that is true. That sin meets some perceived need in you, and you worship it.

For example: a woman who has as a sinful habit using curse words when she becomes angry knows that she does not have to curse, yet she does anyway. She knows the theology behind her position in Christ and yet she continues to behave in this way. On some level, using those words meets some perceived need within her. She wrongly believes that no other words can convey her true feelings about a subject, or the depths of her anger. It soothes her desire to be understood as “angry” and it is so important to her to be understood in this way that she willingly sins to prove it. In those moments she is not worshiping God, but she is worshiping herself.

Willingly living as a slave to sin, a bondservant to unrighteousness is to deny what Christ has done for her! Anyone who lives as a slave to sin is owned by it in practice while not being its slave in position because we have been freed!

And remember, if you were a slave when the Lord called you, the Lord has now set you free from the awful power of sin. And if you were free when the Lord called you, you are now a slave of Christ. God purchased you at a high price. Don’t be enslaved by the world. 1 Corinthians 7:22-23

When living in the victorious position means enough to you, you will do it. Until then you live as its slave and deny the power He gives you to overcome - that is a decision. You know that the guilt is there you live with it as a consequence of your sin. A part of you most certainly hates that sin, but not enough to jettison it. Yet the closer you grow to Him the more you know you are living in willful disobedience in that area and you will experience the consequence of guilt.

It has to be about Him and not about you. You have to want to glorify Him more than you want to satisfy you and become willing to run away from yourself to avoid the sin. You have to decide it is more important to you to live your position, and to stop living as a slave to sin.

The Consequences of Bad Choices

I have been discussing the relationship between Christ and the believer. If my choices have no bearing on my relationship with Christ, then where is the consequence of bad choices?

What is the result of our sin?

I maintain that feelings of guilt are a consequence of our sin and “bad choices.” That although I have grace that overflows, I am still are aware that when I make a choice that is bad (I SIN) I am throwing the grace of God in His face.

The woman that I was talking with said if we continue to sin even though we know it is wrong that guilt will only last until the conscience becomes seared and cited 1 Timothy 4:2 to support that statement.

This is the importance of a proper hermeneutic. Look at verse 2:

by means of the hypocrisy of liars seared in their own conscience as with a branding iron,

1 Timothy 4:2

Context, context, CONTEXT ladies! This is such a damaging thing to do – to pull out a verse from its context and make an application that is not appropriate. So please allow me to give those of you who have never heard this before a little bitty lesson in hermeneutics. You have to pay attention to whom the letter was, and the verses that surround the verse you want to use. Plucking a specific verse out of its context is inappropriate however great you think it fits your situation.

This passage is written by Paul to Timothy and has to do with those who are apostate. Those who professed to believe, but have proven by their doctrine and way of life that their conversion was false. We know this because Paul specifically says that these people will fall away, pay attention to deceiving spirits and follow doctrines of demons! These are the people who will have a seared conscience. There is no reference whatsoever to a believer who struggles with sin in the sanctification process.

So, you cannot rightfully apply this verse to a person who still struggles with sin and makes bad choices. What then, is the consequence for the bad stuff that we chronically do? are we out of God’s favor?

To answer this question I have to return to yesterday’s blog where I answered the question- how did you get IN God's favor? It is by grace alone, no works of yours could ever gain God’s favor. Even those who would agree that this is true still tend to think that when we sin that God is "displeased with me", or that I am "not walking with Him" or that I am "out of the Spirit", or that I am "out of His will." What we forget is that we can never be any of those things because of Christ. Positionally, I am always walking with Christ.

So, the "consequences" we experience are guilt for what we know we have done that is wrong, or we perceive it to be wrong- (i.e. eating meat sacrificed to idols) and there are times we also experience worldly consequences such as being arrested, loss of job, unwed pregnancy, or a host of other things. In all cases, the guilt we experience is the consequence and it is intended to draw us back to Him.

It is intended to remind us of the cross, to remind us of our inability to do this, to remind us of His grace and mercy, and to remind us that Rom 6 is true!

Jesus Christ combats our sin with His mercy and grace not shame and banishment!

If He didn’t do that to us in our unredeemed state, why would He do that in our redeemed state?

(continued next time)

The Most Important Relationship You Have

Last time I finished by reminding you that because of our position in Christ, God the Father never sees us any differently in spite of the good or bad choices we make in life.

But what about when we make bad decisions and bad choices, do our choices affect His relationship with us?

I recently had this debate and thought I would share it with you. I hope that you can use it some time when you are approached with this same question.

The question was; do our choices and decisions affect God’s relationship to us? I ask that question the reverse of what you are most likely used to for a reason. I believe that it is important to realize that we have that relationship with God because HE wanted one with US.

We love (Him), because He first loved us. 1 John 4:19

So the question has to be asked in that way to reflect our helpless state in securing our own salvation and relationship with God. It begs to reason then, that if we cannot do anything to gain a relationship with God what can we do to maintain that relationship with God? Do you follow? If I could not love Him until He loved me, and I could not be saved until He called me, then how much of “me” was involved in contributing to be a part of this relationship? This is not like a marriage, where he asks and I agree or decline. The theology I hold says that God chose me in eternity past (Eph 1) to be His child and because He chose me it was a given that I would at some point in my life respond. So how much of “me” is involved in maintaining the relationship?

Is obedience asked for? Yes it is asked for and in some cases, obedience is commanded. We see this in the imperatives in Scripture. All of the “One Another’s” are imperatives- love one another (John 13:34), be like-minded toward one another (Rom. 12:16), care for one another (1 Cor.12:25) and so on. Those are not just suggestions, they are commands. Another imperative is that we “walk worthy of the calling we have received.” Eph 4:1. A natural step toward walking worthy is to obey the Word of God.

We obey because we desire to glorify God, not because we fear what will happen if we don’t. Far too many of the Christian women I know obey out of fear, not out of love or desire to glorify God. Those are an afterthought. We often “do for God” out of a desire to gain approval, be safe, avoid problems…

Are those the motives and actions of a loving relationship? Are these the desires of a loving heart that wants to glorify God? Beloved, is it God’s desire that you live in fear and terror of Him? Is it right that you obey and make right choices on the outside while your heart is rebelling against Him? What is more important to the Lord?

…for God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7b

For You do not delight in sacrifice, otherwise I would give it; You are not pleased with burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise. Psalm 51:16-17

More to come on this loved ones.

Surrender...

“I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me ” (Galatians 2:20).

I was talking with a friend the other day. Our conversations are very exciting to me because I can see where she is beginning to understand certain things about grace and truth. She has been a believer in Christ for some time, and through our talks about grace and mercy she is beginning to see things from a different perspective.

One of the results of understanding grace is that many of the things that used to mean so much and things we used to cling to suddenly don’t mean as much to us. We can let them pass us by without reaction and without response.

There is an inevitable void that develops in the flesh when we first start willingly setting our fleshly and worldly desires aside. And unless we are immersing ourselves in Him and His Word other fleshly desires come marching in to swiftly fill that void. Sometimes they are new things; a computer game, television program, or some other distraction. Sometimes they are old sinful “friends” that we thought we were rid of; habits and lusts that were once conquered or maybe just set aside in favor of a new distraction.

Often we use these things in attempt to make ourselves feel valued and worthwhile. These things don’t have to be necessarily bad they can be as benign as working or exercising or a sport or other activity you enjoy that makes you “feel good.” However, they are misplacing what really matters, our love and devotion to Christ.

He must be the centerpiece of all we do, the Master of our thoughts, the owner of our souls, and the love of our lives. Until He is in practice as well as proclamation all of these things, my friends, we will continue to struggle and hurt and kick and scream in failure. He demands to own all of who we are because He paid for all we are! He did not only purchase your hands and feet He purchased your mind, soul, and most importantly your heart.

Surrender dear ones, surrender to His loving yoke, and His loving ownership and give in to His possession of you- all of you.

Till next time loved ones

Hurting the Ones You Love

I continue to whirl about in the cyclone that has suddenly become my life. With the announcement that we are moving away we unwittingly thrust daggers into the hearts of our friends this week. To see the raw and hurt expressions on their faces wounded me to my very core as though I had betrayed them in some intentional way. I know that is not what they think but I think the hurt is the same for them.

Even though I will be here for a while yet, the loss is already acute for them, and for us. The ministry that we have worked so hard on, raised up like a baby and put so much of ourselves into - what will become of it? I have such a sensation that I am letting them down.

And yet, someone said to me the other day regarding the hope for the ministry to continue: "When there is a known plan for a mission trip and you just bide the time until it happens, I love that...the hope of the mission, it's purpose, it's blessing. It is the same with our future. We've planned out our teaching and we can still do writing."

My friend was telling me that there is hope, which is the same thing I have been telling them all along!