Have you every wondered if it was all worth it? Looked at all your circumstances and trials and wondered if this "Christian thing" was all it was cracked up to be? Have you ever longed for an easier way or a life of ease without trials and hardship?
I don't know too many who can say "no" to those questions. I know I could not. I was recalling a time when my faith was pressed beyond what I perceived to be its limits and I was longing just to be done with this whole thing called living the Christian life.
It was a cold October night and I was presented with a new set of circumstances that I didn't like. More heartache, more hardship, more reason to be fearful and anxious. I had already been through so much, and was still handling several difficult situations that were squeezing me hard.
I wanted rest and respite, and God gave trial and adversity. I have to confess, that night I was "done" with it all. I did not think I had the faith and perseverance to go on anymore. Furthermore, I was not sure I even wanted to! My flesh screamed at how unfair this all was, and I admit that I was completely ungrateful to God. I became Job's wife in those moments.
I was so angry with God for the never ending parade of stuff that came our way...I confess I did not see Him as loving or kind at that time. I say this to my own shame...
What I have been taught and I believe, and what you have read here on this blog is that God keeps the believer. God is the one who holds onto us and keeps us for Himself. I can tell you I experienced being kept in a very real way at that time. No matter how I kicked and screamed God would not let me go. The assurance that there was nothing I was going to do to make God stop loving me was very strong. Along side that assurance was the understanding that, yes, I was headed into another stormy sea and that it was intentional.
God always does things intentionally. Every lightening bolt He throws is intentional! Every natural disaster or created beauty is intentional! Every flower, insect, and speck of dust is intentional. God is an active participant in His world and in our lives. He is an active participant in our trials and sorrows too.
In looking back on that time of life, I have a glimpse of what He wanted to teach me. I wish I could tell you I had some spectacular revelation of some great new theological insight, but I can't. God is faithful, dear ones...He is faithful to present us with the same lessons over and over again until we learn them well.
To avoid a super long post, next time I will tell you the rest.