Most days I am able to set aside the pain of losing my mom. Most days, there is the knowledge of her absence but not "pain." These past few days have not been that way.
For so long I lived with the knowledge I was going to lose her, and in many ways I adjusted. Over the past year I grew accustomed to not being able to really talk to her much. I became used to being the cheerleader, and support person for her and setting my own wants and feelings aside.
So much changed in the past 6 months before she passed that I was literally begging God to end her suffering and take her home to Himself. When He did, I felt relief and joy. At her funeral, I was joyful because she was done- she was there! Experiencing God as never before in her life. I know much of those early days were God's abundant grace lavished on my soul.
In the month since she passed I find my grief waking up. I find I miss her so very much. I wish I had more pictures of her and I alone and I wish I could remember what it felt like to have her hug me. I have such sorrow in the midst of joy.
This is part of the human experience. God has created us to be wonderfully complex and to experience such a full range of emotions - sometimes all at the same time! My sorrow is a part of His plan for me. I would be heartless if I felt nothing and foolish if I denied my sorrow.
So I gratefully run the gambit of emotions, celebrating her eternal life in Christ, rejoicing that she is knowing Jesus Christ totally and completely for the first time ever. And yet, sorrowing for my own loss and just beginning to realize the depth of the loss in my life- for now.
Sometimes I think of it as though she is on a long vacation, or has moved away. One day I will see her again and on that day there will be no goodbyes. For now mom, it is just "I will see you later..."