I Haven't Got Time For the Pain

That is the title of a 1970's song by Carly Simon and seems to be the theme song of my life right now. Last week we rolled over the 6 month mark of my Mom's passing into eternity. I have been here in Missouri for nearly 3 months, and have "lost" so much of what was so very important to me in these transitions.

Not "stuff" like couches and pillows (those are material things that, while I enjoy them are not what my life is made of) but relationships, some friendships, the ministry God allowed me over the past 5 years, and my way of life. These are but some of the most important things that I hurt over losing.

It seems that daily now, I grieve my Mom's passing to glory in some way. I miss her so!! Something will spark a memory, or a patient at my job will say or do something that will bring the ache roaring back to life. I am not grieving as one who has no hope for I know that as my Redeemer lives so does she! I am grieving for all the life I have left to live without her wise counsel, her loving embrace, the sound of her voice, the smell of her cooking....and oh so much more. I am grieving as a new round of "firsts" is about to begin and this round will take us to January when we will reach the one year mark of our loss.

I am understanding that grieving is exhausting and downright inconvenient! I have told myself for a long, long time now that I have no time to grieve but mysteriously, the grief leaks out the cracks of my heart when I least expect it to. I often find it rolling down my cheeks these days...

This loss is so deep and so permeates my soul right now...and I haven't got time for the pain. In many ways, the reality of what has happened in my life has not yet sunk in. It is still as though I am playing a part and waiting for reality to resume.

I have a new reality now, to go along with all the rest of the changes. It's name is WORK. WORK demands much more of me than I care to give in my flesh, and it is only through steady and steadfast prayer and clinging to Jesus that I am able to do what I do daily.

WORK is being used by God to reveal (alas) even deeper levels of wickedness and idolatry on the golden altars in my heart. Ugly things, like perfectionism and critical spirit/attitudes jump out of nowhere to taunt me. Even my thoughts of, "Gee, I thought I was beyond all this" or, "I thought I was better than that..." reveal to me how very, very far I have yet to travel on this road of being conformed to the image and likeness of the Lord Jesus Christ. I haven't got time to even experience that loss right now, I just admit, confess and move along doggy!

I haven't got time for the pain of grieving the loss of being solely a wife and mom either. I am a house strongly divided within. I deeply miss my role as "Jake's Mom" as it used to be. I carry so much guilt for his being home here over the summer without me.

Sometimes I think that if I ever allowed myself to truly grieve all these losses I might come apart Humpty-Dumpty-like, in such a way that I would not be able to be put together again... and so it is with grief.

I do believe God has me exactly where He wants me; He is a sovereign God. I do believe in His plan for my life, for He promises not to harm me. Inconvenience and sorrow are not the breaking of His promises to me, they are tools that the Lord uses to fulfill His promises.

Lately, many of my posts have been about God's faithfulness and His promises. That is where He has me these days...

There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven—
A time to give birth and a time to die;
A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted.
A time to kill and a time to heal;
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to weep and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn and a time to dance.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-4 (NASB)

I am so ready to dance again.

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