Dealing With Sexual Sin- Intro

This is the number one search on the internet that brings people to my blog each week. Literally hundreds of searches have been done with this title or some variation of this title on the search engines that lead people here looking for help and hope.

I have written on this topic in the past, in several posts (begins Oct 13, 2008 Sex and the Married Christian Woman) and I am pleased that those who search find God's truth there, but I thought I would revisit this because I fear the situation is only getting worse. Our counseling center is having a one-day seminar on sexual sin later in March so I am thinking a lot about it.

I want to focus strictly on the true reason people indulge in sexual immorality and what you can do if you are caught up in its web.

Perhaps you already know that sexual immorality promises things it cannot deliver. Its tantalizing images lure the seeker into a vortex of destruction that if left unchecked, will pollute every aspect of the persons life.

The seeming inability to overcome through 12-step programs and Bible studies and accountability partners leaves the user without hope. Often they wonder, "Can I ever be helped?" or "Can I really be saved?"

I sorrow in my heart as I see the high numbers of hits on this topic, for I know that for every hit there may be a spouse and or children who suffer because of the sexual immorality of someone they love. Many who seek help here I suspect are women who have learned their fiance, husband or son has been looking at porn on the internet. They are heartbroken and devastated wondering why as wives they were not "enough" or as parents, where they could have gone wrong with their child.

I post Monday- Friday and I will devote the next several blogs to this subject. Please leave your comments...As difficult as it may be to put it out there, you never know who you will bless by your willingness to be transparent.

Soli Deo Gloria

This may be one of the most difficult blogs I ever wrote. If you are my critic you will find plenty of ammo here to blast me with. If you are my friend, I hope you will pray for me.

I recently came to a crossroads in my Christian life. I had to make a decision about the Lord and my heart. You "know" me; I teach and preach on this blog about the importance of heart change, and glorifying God with your life.

Throughout this trial of being apart from my husband and all that has transpired within these past 120 (plus) days my never ending prayer has been that God would bring a buyer for the house and get me out of here so I could be with my husband again. I have pounded on God's throne room door and the sea of crystal that surrounds His throne, and grasped and shaken the legs of that throne to get Him to pay attention to me and my plea.

We have had many talks about this, God and I have....He knows exactly what I think of this and what I want to have happen. He knows my heart- inside and out- and this is not to my credit or glory. It is to His glory and evidence of His abundant grace that He has not chastised this sinning woman...

For the past several weeks I have been on the edge of grasping something about this situation but have not been able to bring it totally into the light of my thoughts. It was as though it were under wraps and being hidden for that period of time. Last night God, by His grace and mercy allowed me to cross the great gulf of obscurity into understanding and clarity. As I was journaling my thoughts and again asking God for what I wanted the light began to dawn in my heart.

I found myself typing these words, very very slowly: "If it brings You glory to sell this house, please do so. And God, if it brings You glory to have us live apart like this....then have Your own way Lord." Well, this was new... since when did I start thinking of any of this in relation to glorifying God? Up till that moment, it was all about me. All about my sorrow, and my wants, and my needs. It was all about how I thought things would be done and should be done.


"Oh what a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!" Romans 7:24, 25a


With one short paragraph my whole paradigm changed. Could this be what God is waiting for? For us to want His glory more than our own way? I don't know...but it seems right...this is what has been lurking around in my head all these past few weeks...but I could never verbalize it until now.


I changed my prayer request. It now reflects my desire to glorify God more than to have my own way in this..."Oh God, help me, for You know I am just a poor and selfish and willful sinner...You will have to change me more God for me to stay in this place, this spiritual place where I am right now."

Back to the foot of the cross I go, where as a friend of mine says, the position of worship is on my face. This is all new to my heart and to my thinking and explains why I have been so miserable. All this time, this whole thing has been about God selling the house because I wanted it to be that way. It was all about....me. Never thinking that somehow, this situation is bringing God glory as it is.

I suppose many things in our lives appear not to make sense to us, like Paul sitting in prison and stuff...but they bring God glory. I dont get why I have been so dense about this up till this point, but i have.

I have changed my praying about all this. I am now praying that if it glorifies God that He would bring a buyer and move us down there. And that He would help me to be bringing Him glory here until that time. I am not for one moment claiming this is going to be easy, because I dont know if it will be. I am an impatient person, and I am anxious to be living with my husband again! This past week has given me a taste of the life I long for again.

However, I am a servant of the King. It is what a teach, and "preach" and tell others to live. I guess it is time I step up to the plate on it in this area of my own life. In my flesh, I want OUT. But, I have to submit my heart and my flesh to what God wants.
You can pray toward that end.

A Kept Woman cont...

God always does things intentionally. Every lightening bolt He throws is intentional! Every natural disaster or created beauty is intentional! Every flower, insect, and speck of dust is intentional. God is an active participant in His world and in our lives. He is an active participant in our trials and sorrows too.

This is what makes it so difficult. We know God has the power to change things and He doesn't always do it. Sometimes, His answer is wait, and sometimes it is no. We rarely like either of those answers.

Knowing there are lessons to be learned is not always welcome either. At times we just desire for it to cease and desist. We want the pain to go away, we want ease and happiness. I just did not care that God was preparing me for another season of maturing in Christ.

In looking back on that time of life, I have a glimpse of what He wanted to teach me. I wish I could tell you I had some spectacular revelation of some great new theological insight, but I can't. God is faithful, dear ones...He is faithful to present us with the same lessons over and over again until we learn them well.

One lesson I learned as I already told you is that God keeps us. Jude 24 tells us that God will make us stand in the presence of His glory blameless and that He is able to keep us from stumbling. I experienced the realization of being kept by God that October night long ago.

Another lesson I learned is that these trials that we hate so deeply are intentional. Their purpose is to prove to us that our faith is genuine and to increase our faith to the point where we will not question the purpose of God's activity in our lives.

I have learned that the subject of James 1 is FAITH and its perfection as we ride the waves of trials. It seems to me that coming to a perfect faith is going to be a life long adventure! We tend to think of the subject of James 1 as trials, but the subject is faith. Faith that produces endurance, faith that produces in us trust in God and His sovereignty, faith that hangs on even when we just want to quit.

As that particular trial unfolded I still struggled off and on over the following months. What changed was that I had an unshakable confidence that even as I struggled and wrestled with my circumstances and God's part in them I knew He was keeping me close to Him. I knew He was not disgusted with me and ready to turn me loose. I knew He continued to love me with an everlasting love (Jer. 31:3) and continued to draw me to Himself.

What I experienced, even through my sinful tantrum was proof that I still HAVE faith, something that on a cold October night in my kitchen I was not so sure of anymore...

What counsel would I give you, if you were in my shoes? Well...I would tell you that while God understands your grief and anger at it all, He does not condone your sin. Be careful...God is a holy God and we are to live every moment in light of who we are in Christ (even when we don't feel like it). Take the long view...God sees and knows things you don't. He can see how this all ends and you should rest in that reality. Be wise...endeavor to see this from God's perspective. Most importantly...be thankful. From my position, being thankful was the hardest of all. My heart and flesh wanted to complain (constantly) and I had to practice thankfulness, even when I didn't feel like it, or want to.

Being God's "Kept Woman" is a blessing...One I would not relinquish for all the ease or happiness in the world.

A Kept Woman

Have you every wondered if it was all worth it? Looked at all your circumstances and trials and wondered if this "Christian thing" was all it was cracked up to be? Have you ever longed for an easier way or a life of ease without trials and hardship?

I don't know too many who can say "no" to those questions. I know I could not. I was recalling a time when my faith was pressed beyond what I perceived to be its limits and I was longing just to be done with this whole thing called living the Christian life.

It was a cold October night and I was presented with a new set of circumstances that I didn't like. More heartache, more hardship, more reason to be fearful and anxious. I had already been through so much, and was still handling several difficult situations that were squeezing me hard.

I wanted rest and respite, and God gave trial and adversity. I have to confess, that night I was "done" with it all. I did not think I had the faith and perseverance to go on anymore. Furthermore, I was not sure I even wanted to! My flesh screamed at how unfair this all was, and I admit that I was completely ungrateful to God. I became Job's wife in those moments.

I was so angry with God for the never ending parade of stuff that came our way...I confess I did not see Him as loving or kind at that time. I say this to my own shame...

What I have been taught and I believe, and what you have read here on this blog is that God keeps the believer. God is the one who holds onto us and keeps us for Himself. I can tell you I experienced being kept in a very real way at that time. No matter how I kicked and screamed God would not let me go. The assurance that there was nothing I was going to do to make God stop loving me was very strong. Along side that assurance was the understanding that, yes, I was headed into another stormy sea and that it was intentional.

God always does things intentionally. Every lightening bolt He throws is intentional! Every natural disaster or created beauty is intentional! Every flower, insect, and speck of dust is intentional. God is an active participant in His world and in our lives. He is an active participant in our trials and sorrows too.

In looking back on that time of life, I have a glimpse of what He wanted to teach me. I wish I could tell you I had some spectacular revelation of some great new theological insight, but I can't. God is faithful, dear ones...He is faithful to present us with the same lessons over and over again until we learn them well.

To avoid a super long post, next time I will tell you the rest.

Making It Work

Getting a movie to watch is kind of an event at our house. There is so little worth watching and even less I will stay awake for that we don't often rent one. However, this weekend we watched the movie "Fireproof." If you have not seen it, I suggest you do! I thought it was fairly realistic and at the end my husband and I both realized how good we have it!

Today is my wedding anniversary. I am blest beyond measure that My husband is able to be home with me for this event. Our marriage has been envied over the years by people whose unions are not so joyous. "How do you do it?" we are often asked. I thought I would share with you the secret to our success today.

Be transparent- A relationship that is shrouded in secrecy is not a relationship at all. We have no secrets, we tell each other every thing and I do mean every thing. We know each others massive screw ups of the past, thoughts, hopes, aspirations and idiosyncrasies. If one is sad or angry or fearful we tell the other.

Be honest- We dont lie to each other. Not even little lies. We don't omit the truth or tell parts of truth because that would destroy our trust. We love each other enough to say that something is wrong, ungodly, foolish or hurtful.

We are honest with our finances too. We don't spend money without the others knowledge, and when I mess up the bank account I tell him where I went wrong. My husband suggested I add to this post- we have a unified budget. We do not have his money and her money. What is his is mine and what is mine is his and it is all in the same bank account. We have seen the destruction caused by these separations in marriages.

We respect each other- There are ways of saying things that are true and hurtful and then there are ways of saying the same things that are true and kind. Respecting each other means that we think of how what we will say will be heard by the other.

We respect each others time, space and property. Everyone desires a little space or time alone occasionally and we give it willingly to each other.

We are forever nauseatingly romantic- We simply love to mush on each other. Our conversations are sprinkled with compliments, and "love you's." We have a secret code to tell each other we love one another while we are in public. We touch often, holding hands or putting arms around each other. We sit next to one another and touch all the time. We love to love on each other.

We love to please each other. We practice the one another's of Scripture daily, putting each others preferences and desires ahead of our own, considering one another out of reverence for Christ.

We do not allow worldly influences in our bedroom. It is our sanctuary from the world and our place of rest. Our marriage bed is undefiled by pornography and those types of things.

We are each others best friends. Our current living conditions make all aspects of our lives difficult, but this is the hardest. On a daily basis we are deprived of each others companionship and friendship. The little things of life that a married couple share are not ours right now and wont be until by God's grace someone buys our house so we can live together again.

We have fun together- actually, we make normal things of life fun when we can. If you were to follow us around you would see we act silly and say silly things to each other. We like to laugh and enjoy each others company. Our fun has not and does not come from spending money doing things, we just make normal things fun to do. We enjoy being together so much that shopping and driving around are a delight.

I kept this one for last, but by no means least- Jesus Christ is the center of our marriage. We desire to glorify Him through our marriage and so it makes all this stuff easy! It is not as much about us as it is about Him. While we fail and sin against each other from time to time there is always quick reconciliation. In fact, in all the years we have been together I can count on one hand the times we have had "a fight."

This is not because we are so great...(I am quick tempered and opinionated)...it is because of Christ. We believe He honors our desire to make Him the center of our marriage and our lives.

So thanks for the first couple of decades Lar...I am looking forward to all that is yet to come!

Thoughts, Beliefs, Desires

“As a man thinks in his heart, so is he” Proverbs 23:7 (NLT)

There is no doubt that your thoughts direct the course of your life. We base our actions on what we think in the moment and over longer periods of time.

Thought life is a critical aspect to change of life because what you think or believe about various things will determine how you respond to them. John MacArthur notes:

The “heart” commonly refers to the mind as the center of thinking and reason, but also includes the emotions, the will and thus the whole inner being. The heart is the depository of all wisdom and the source of whatever affects speech, sight and conduct.”

Thoughts help in forming opinions, creating a belief system and fanning the flame of desires. What we think about determines our emotional mood and leads us to have various feelings. Thoughts take place before emotions and emotions and desires are a result of the thought life.

For example: a person who struggles with anxiety thinks open ended thoughts that can begin with a phrase like “what if.” Most often the “what if” has some root in an aspect of reality. The thoughts continue to run along the lines of creating scenarios that are imaginary or merely probable. These thoughts stimulate the body to produce adrenalin and the person then experiences anxiety.

Just as Eve did in the Garden of Eden when she saw that the fruit was pleasing to the eye, we see something that piques interest in us and we begin the thought process of wondering what it would taste like, how it would feel, what it would be like to have it. We experience sudden desire, and desire that smolders over time growing stronger the more we think about the object we want to possess. We then act on our desires or we set them aside permanently or temporarily.

We take in millions of bits of information and weigh it through the thought process, and moral code we have adopted. We conclude that something is true or false, and it then becomes a part of our belief system. Our beliefs stay in place until new information comes along to challenge them.

You see, all of their actions, including whatever it was that brought them to counseling began as a thought, belief, or desire in their heart

Before a person can change what they habitually do, they must change how they habitually think. Their thoughts and beliefs make up how they “see” sin. If they believe a sin habit is biological or genetic the most they can do is get long-term therapy or take a pill to feel better. The person “sees” their behavior as not being their fault, and believes that they are helpless before impulses, thoughts, and drives.

---

[i] MacArthur

I Stink At This

One thing I realized long ago, is that I do not live up to the expectations I set for myself. I am frequently dissatisfied with my Christian performance.

That is because my desire to honor God and glorify Him falls short of my willingness to take the necessary steps to make it happen all the time. Like some of you (maybe) I don’t always reckon myself dead to sin, I sometimes put my selfish desires ahead of those that I know would honor God.

Like Paul does at the end of Romans 7, I say 21So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!


When I tell myself I stink at this Christian life, that I will never get it right, it takes me right back to the gospel. For the very next verse of Romans 8:1 tells me that there is no condemnation for me because I am in Christ Jesus. And despite my frequent failings He is enough to keep me secure. His love and acceptance is enough to keep me going, pressing on, reaching for the goal of becoming as close to Christ-likeness as I can while in this body.

So while in the process of sanctification, keep focused on the gospel.

The more you grow, the more you will see how sinful and wicked your heart still is! This can be mighty discouraging. But rather than it taking you into the pit of despair, let it take you to the cross with thanksgiving!

Let it remind you of all you don’t have to do to be acceptable, and how much you are already loved and accepted by God in Christ. Let the gospel motivate you…let it complete its perfect work in your heart and overflow into your life.

Gospel Driven Sanctification

Gospel driven sanctification is a process. It is a process of change that is effected affected by what I do and how l live each day.

Unfortunately, many appeal to us to approach our Christian growth in our own strength, and they present it as a method, or a few steps to follow that will result in our being better Christians. I have to ask, is that what the Word teaches us? One man said, “Frequently we throw works out the front door of justification, and invite them in the back door of sanctification.”

I do believe spiritual disciplines like Bible reading, and prayer are necessary, but how do we practice those important spiritual disciplines, and not makes them works of acceptance…

What I have learned from careful reading of the Scripture is we are to do them in complete and desperate dependence on Christ. He gives us the power to do them. We are to do them as a result of what we know to be true about who we are and what has been done to us and for us. We do them as a “therefore.”

The therefore of Romans 7 that follows Paul’s teaching about our position in Christ, and his declaration of his constant battles with the flesh. This changes everything for us. No longer are we “performing” for God’s approval or acceptance because we understand we already have his approval and acceptance.

We “do” because He “did.” We serve, and study, and learn, and obey, and submit, and worship, and change, and grow as a “Thank You” to the God of the Universe who has done so much for us. Oh reading friends, how I wish you could see my heart here! I want you to be free from those chains of expectation that choke the life out of your Christian life.