Over the past week, I have been blogging about the sad and even devastating consequences of sexual sin on a marriage. Last time, I wrote a post for the husbands to hopefully give them some insight into the thoughts of their wife. Today, the post is for both husband and wife. Let this be the beginning of the healing of your marriage.
God has set the husband as the head of the wife (Eph. 5:23) and as such, he is to take the leadership role in rectifying the current problems in the marriage bed when fornication is in the past.
The husband must take the lead in helping his wife overcome these problems she is dealing with. Husbands, before you undertake this, I urge you to do a heart check. Examine yourself and your reasons for wanting to correct these wrongs of the past. If your motive is selfish, expecting this to make things all better so she will want sex again I would strongly suggest you wait until you are spiritually ready to deal with God on these matters.
First, you must confess your sin to your wife.
I doubt you intended to hurt her or cause her harm, but both have taken place anyway. God has appointed you the leader in your marriage and He holds you accountable for what you do with that leadership (Eph. 5:23).
Wife, you must confess your sin to your husband. You participated in fornication with him before he belonged to you prior to marriage. Perhaps you were tempting and provocative, or you allowed yourselves to be alone when you knew it was foolish. Whatever the reason, (unless he raped you) you are also guilty before God and you must confess this sin to him and to God.
The righteous reason for confession of sin is because you realize your behavior has offended a holy God. By participating in pre-marital sex you have sinned against God and His creation, the person who is now your spouse. The only biblical motive for confession is to agree with God that what you have done is wrong and do receive His forgiveness. This brings God much glory.
Husband, before she was your wife you had no biblical right to be in a position where you were tempted to sin sexually with her. The Bible calls that defrauding or “to deprive by deceit to be covetous, that is, (by implication) to over reach:—get an advantage, make a gain.” Wife, when you arouse sexual passions you can not righteously satisfy you are defrauding someone.
For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess his own vessel [body] in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do not know God; and that no man transgress and defraud his brother in the matter because the Lord is the avenger in all these things, just as we also told you before and solemnly warned you. For God has not called us for the purpose of impurity, but in sanctification. 1 Thessalonians 4:3-7
Husband, please do not embark on this time of confession and repentance in a rush. I would suggest that you plan a time and place away from home during a time you can be alone with her for an extended period of time- several hours or overnight. Take a drive and park in a scenic place or get a hotel room so you can have privacy. I would caution you though, do not expect that once you clear your conscience she will want to run for the bed. I would not make any sexual demands on her during this time. She may be very emotional and you might see the anger and hurt she has bottled up for some time. Let the Lord work on her heart and mind. Be praying for her that He would heal her and your marriage as you confess your sin to her.
Confess your own sin to her admitting that you understand now that you have violated 1 Thess 4:3-7 and that you defrauded her by arousing sinful desires within you and her. Confess that your participation in fornication was sinful. If you pressured her confess that, if you gave in to her pressure confess your failure to lead and protect her. Confess your failure to remain pure in thought and actions prior to your marriage to her and after each offence you confess ask her to forgive you. It is very important that you are specific when confessing your sin, confessing the specific things you can remember. Ask the Holy Spirit for help in remembering all there is to confess.
Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.James 5:16
You must take the lead on this men, for God has placed you in the role of leadership in your family. Ask her forgiveness for each sin you confess and wait for her response. If she chooses not to forgive you it becomes a matter between your wife and God. You are responsible to confess and ask her forgiveness and leave her reply up to God. Be aware that your confession may open the floodgates of emotion for her. She may also confess her sin to you for sinning against God and defrauding you in the same ways!
It is a beginning and may not solve every intimate issue you have as a couple, but it is the first important step in repairing the damage done.