The Unhappy Marriage Bed

You were in love, maybe you were engaged. You may have both been believers or just one of you knew Christ then. Maybe neither of you did. You knew pre-marital sex was wrong but didn’t care, or you suspected it was wrong but were not certain. You were pressured or you were willing. I have heard it all from women who had sex with their now-husbands outside of marriage. Honestly, this is becoming a more common reason women seek counseling or couples come for marriage counseling.

It is difficult to explain what goes on in the mind of a woman who has been sexually active outside of marriage (either as a believer or non-believer) when it comes to sex after marriage.

Most likely you enjoyed the intimacy you shared before marriage. You may have even been the aggressor in the relationship. Since marriage you have noticed a steady decline in your interest in sex and this has no doubt confused and frustrated your husband. 

You are possibly struggling with guilt and anger that you may not even understand is there. Many women have described it as a total lack of interest in sex for reasons they don’t understand. They routinely tell me that they do enjoy intimacy, that it is “good for them” but claim they just have no desire for their husband sexually.

This is the cause of much discord because it has left your husband confused and hurt. He has no clue what has changed with you and why you are no longer interested in you sexually. He is simply stopped asking you about it, and has gone to demanding his marital rights which you grudgingly provide. He yells, you cry and this situation leaves no one satisfied and certainly not romantic or passionate. What has happened? 

Although you were a willing sexual partner before marriage you violated your conscience in doing so. Each person, believer or unbeliever is born with a moral compass, a sense of right and wrong; especially if you grew up believing in God and were raised in a non-liberal church setting where marriage between a man and woman is still the norm. (Even in non-Christian homes sex outside of marriage has been frowned upon morally but tolerated or justified as long as the two planned to get married) 

This does not change the biblical fact that fornication (sex outside of marriage) is sinful. All sin violates God’s standard for holiness but especially sexual sin. 

1 Corinthians 6:18 says, Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body.” 

When you had pre-marital sex you sinned against your own body and all sin has consequences. 

Next time: The Consequences