The Heart of Modesty

During a previous administration, there were signs posted on the doors at the White House in Washington D.C. listing inappropriate summer attire for work. On the list were shorts, halter tops, t-shirts, tennis shoes, flip flops sundresses, and strapless dresses. Most of these things will be seen in church on any given Sunday in summer.

That particular President set the tone for what was appropriate to wear to work. He wore a suit every day he was in the Oval Office and expected professional attire to be worn by his staff as well. He believed the setting demanded a certain level of respect. He was also meeting with the leaders of the world. 

The church also has standards for what is appropriate to wear when gathering to worship. Much of what is worn these days in public is immodest and far too revealing.  

There is something to be said for appropriate dress in specific circumstances. When going to a funeral most people wear something somber and dark in color to reflect their heart of sorrow (2 Sam. 3:31).  The attire at a wedding reflects a joyful heart as a celebration is underway. Many a woman would tell you that how she feels in the morning is what dictates her attire. How we feel is related to what a person thinks and believes about something.

What comprises the heart of modesty in a woman? Is the problem what she wears or is it the heart behind the selection? 

What we wear is a revelation of what is going on inside, in the inner man. Our thoughts, beliefs and desires take place in the inner man, what the Bible refers to as the heart.

1. God looks at the heart. 1 Sam. 16:7

But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at the height of his stature, because I have rejected him; for God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”

This means that what goes on inside is what God is most concerned with. 

We tend to think that a person who is well dressed in expensive clothes is blessed and well to do, and somehow spiritually superior to the person who is dressed in tattered, ill-fitting clothes. In fact the less polished person may be a spiritual giant and be living a life of sacrifice for the sake of others (James 2:1-5).

Conversely what a person wears can be a reflection of their spiritual life and condition. The scantily clad woman is revealing much about her heart. 

• Clothing reveals something about the person including character. Deut. 22:5; Jer. 52:33; Matt. 22:11; Pro. 31:21-22; Rev. 17:4

And behold, a woman comes to meet him, Dressed as a harlot and cunning of heart. Proverbs 7:10 (NASB)

“You took some of your clothes, made for yourself high places of various colors and played the harlot on them, which should never come about nor happen. “You also took your beautiful jewels made of My gold and of My silver, which I had given you, and made for yourself male images that you might play the harlot with them. “Then you took your embroidered cloth and covered them, and offered My oil and My incense before them. Ezekiel 16:16-18 (NASB)

Clothing sends a non-verbal message about you. A woman who dresses in clothes that are too tight, skirts too short, tops to skimpy she is revealing an aspect of her character. It tells others who see you what you think about yourself and about your body. 

What many young women (and some older ones) see as comfortable, fashionable and chic are revealing heart attitudes and character flaws. Often I am amazed that women do not realize their clothing choices reveal a prideful or lustful heart and their desire to be noticed. 

• To the Christian clothing reveals the spiritual and we are not to put the emphasis on ourselves, nor draw attention to ourselves by the way we dress. 1 Pe. 3:1-4; Matt. 22:37-39, Lk. 9:23

The Corinthian church had a huge problem with women dressing in such an outrageous manner that it was disrupting the church services. So much so, that Paul addressed it in his letter to Timothy. 

“I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes” (1 Timothy 2:9 (NIV)

And Peter also encountered this same problem among the converted Jewish women.

Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; 1 Peter 3:3 (NASB)

Your clothes should not be distracting to those who have gathered to worship. 

I have been in church services over the years where a young woman has distracted the preacher as he was delivering his sermon as she walked to the back of the auditorium. It is inappropriate to wear short skirts and plunging necklines to worship. 

Church is a place that requires a certain level of reverence and respect. To determine to do otherwise out of a spirit of "wearing what I please" is an indication of a prideful and idolatrous heart. When you go to church for corporate worship you are not there to please yourself, you are coming into the presence of God with fellow Christians for the purpose of singing praises to God, and learning from His Word- for the purpose of worship. 

Think about these things women of God, and determine to worship Him in your heart first and let your clothing be a reflection of the Christ-life within you!  

"Hell Hath No Fury..."

We are examining problems in the marriage bed in this series, and today we will touch on the results of the unfaithful husband. The saying goes, “Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned!” I believe it also applies to a woman whose husband has cheated on her. In Bible times infidelity was punished by stoning, these days it is punished by other means: divorce, bitterness, revenge, hatred just to name a few. To complicate matters, being unfaithful is no longer restricted to the actual act of adultery; it is applied to the husband who engages in masturbation while viewing computer or video pornography, goes to strip clubs, has lap dances, hires exotic dancers and so on. As the ability to access immoral material and immoral people increases so do the chances that a spouse will be “unfaithful” in this manner.

When a wife finds out her husband has been involved in porneia (sexual immorality including harlotry  [including adultery and incest]; figuratively idolatry:—fornication[1]) it affects her to her very core. 

Some men do not understand the depths of pain they have caused their wives by their use of pornography. Here are some things women have said when they discovered the secret:

• “Why does he want to look at other women? Am I not enough for him?”
• “I have always tried to be a good wife and not deny him sex. Why would he do this to me?”
• “I feel so used. How many times has he had ‘her’ in his mind when I thought he was making love to me?”
• “I am embarrassed at my body now. I can’t compete with those women on the screen.”
• “Is that what he wants?”
• “I am inadequate as a woman.”
• “When I think of how I opened myself up to him, giving him my all and holding nothing back…to know now that he has been using pornography behind my back…I am speechless with grief and humiliation.”

I have heard it enough to know that no matter how much a man tries to assure his wife that she is not the problem or the reason he views porn, telling her that it is not her, that he is not comparing her to those people on the screen or in the magazine, she is very hard pressed to believe him. 

Ladies, as much as he may want to minimize viewing porn he cannot right now because he is enslaved. And I know that to you it is equal with literal adultery. He is watching others in the sex act and to some degree he is participating in those things – if only in his mind. Wives knows that their husband watches it to become aroused and thinks, “Why doesn’t he watch me and become aroused?” She knows he watches it for sexual gratification and thinks, “Why isn’t my body enough to satisfy him?” She may be aware of the perverse nature of the sexual acts people do in pornography, the world where literally anything goes and she wonders, “Does he really want those kinds of things?” She feels inadequate as a woman and a wife, and she knows that she can never righteously do most of what goes on in pornography, and nor does she want to. 

She feels he has betrayed her and sometimes women think her husband has violated the marriage covenant and asks church leaders for permission for a divorce.

If a husband has a literal affair with another woman many of these responses are the same- hurt, betrayed, angry etc.

Both of these means of unfaithfulness carry a heavy burden.

---

[1]Strongs Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible

God's Remedy for Sexual Sin

Over the past week, I have been blogging about the sad and even devastating consequences of sexual sin on a marriage. Last time, I wrote a post for the husbands to hopefully give them some insight into the thoughts of their wife. Today, the post is for both husband and wife. Let this be the beginning of the healing of your marriage.

God has set the husband as the head of the wife (Eph. 5:23) and as such, he is to take the leadership role in rectifying the current problems in the marriage bed when fornication is in the past.

The husband must take the lead in helping his wife overcome these problems she is dealing with. Husbands, before you undertake this, I urge you to do a heart check. Examine yourself and your reasons for wanting to correct these wrongs of the past. If your motive is selfish, expecting this to make things all better so she will want sex again I would strongly suggest you wait until you are spiritually ready to deal with God on these matters.

First, you must confess your sin to your wife.

I doubt you intended to hurt her or cause her harm, but both have taken place anyway. God has appointed you the leader in your marriage and He holds you accountable for what you do with that leadership (Eph. 5:23). 

Wife, you must confess your sin to your husband. You participated in fornication with him before he belonged to you prior to marriage. Perhaps you were tempting and provocative, or you allowed yourselves to be alone when you knew it was foolish. Whatever the reason, (unless he raped you) you are also guilty before God and you must confess this sin to him and to God. 

The righteous reason for confession of sin is because you realize your behavior has offended a holy God. By participating in pre-marital sex you have sinned against God and His creation, the person who is now your spouse. The only biblical motive for confession is to agree with God that what you have done is wrong and do receive His forgiveness. This brings God much glory.

Husband, before she was your wife you had no biblical right to be in a position where you were tempted to sin sexually with her. The Bible calls that defrauding or “to deprive by deceit to be covetous, that is, (by implication) to over reach:—get an advantage, make a gain.”[1] Wife, when you arouse sexual passions you can not righteously satisfy you are defrauding someone.

For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess his own vessel [body] in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do not know God; and that no man transgress and defraud his brother in the matter because the Lord is the avenger in all these things, just as we also told you before and solemnly warned you. For God has not called us for the purpose of impurity, but in sanctification. 1 Thessalonians 4:3-7

Husband, please do not embark on this time of confession and repentance in a rush. I would suggest that you plan a time and place away from home during a time you can be alone with her for an extended period of time- several hours or overnight. Take a drive and park in a scenic place or get a hotel room so you can have privacy. I would caution you though, do not expect that once you clear your conscience she will want to run for the bed. I would not make any sexual demands on her during this time. She may be very emotional and you might see the anger and hurt she has bottled up for some time. Let the Lord work on her heart and mind. Be praying for her that He would heal her and your marriage as you confess your sin to her.

Confess your own sin to her admitting that you understand now that you have violated 1 Thess 4:3-7 and that you defrauded her by arousing sinful desires within you and her. Confess that your participation in fornication was sinful. If you pressured her confess that, if you gave in to her pressure confess your failure to lead and protect her. Confess your failure to remain pure in thought and actions prior to your marriage to her and after each offence you confess ask her to forgive you. It is very important that you are specific when confessing your sin, confessing the specific things you can remember. Ask the Holy Spirit for help in remembering all there is to confess.

Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much. James 5:16

You must take the lead on this men, for God has placed you in the role of leadership in your family. Ask her forgiveness for each sin you confess and wait for her response. If she chooses not to forgive you it becomes a matter between your wife and God. You are responsible to confess and ask her forgiveness and leave her reply up to God. Be aware that your confession may open the floodgates of emotion for her. She may also confess her sin to you for sinning against God and defrauding you in the same ways!

It is a beginning and may not solve every intimate issue you have as a couple, but it is the first important step in repairing the damage done.

---

[1] Strong’s Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible

The Consequences of Fornication- For the Husbands

I have been blogging this week on the topic of sexual sin before marriage and the consequences of this act. Many women come to counseling for this issue. They do not understand why sex is such a big issue to their husband, and they only know that they want little to nothing to do with it now. If this describes you, you may want to have your husband read this post today, it is written for them.

Dear Husbands, 

Your wife has asked you to read this today in hopes that it will help you to understand some of what is going on in her mind. You may want to go back and read a few of the previous posts from this week. 

The consequences your wife bears for pre-marital sex is that although the sexual act was and is pleasurable for her she struggles in thought. She struggles because while she was unmarried these actions and pleasurable feelings were sinful and wrong and now the very same actions and feelings are no longer sinful because of a ceremony and a legal document. The guilt she feels is related to the pleasurable feelings sex brings. This is a serious detriment to intimacy. No one likes to be vulnerable and rarely will a person willingly engage in something that is going to make them feel bad. Often the wife will say she feels dirty and ashamed of her body and won’t want to be seen naked by her husband. She may be inhibited and only consent to sex in the dark.

You may not understand this at all. You may be thinking “it is legal now!” “It is not sinful now because we are married!” “Why can’t she just get over it?” “Why doesn’t she put it in the past?”

Your wife sinned against her own body, her conscience and her Lord. Sexual intercourse is the most vulnerable physical position a woman can be in “The two will become one flesh.” (Gen 2:22). Spiritually it is compared to Christ’s relationship to the church (Eph 5:31,32) and Scripture says the Spirit of God is an intimate relationship within us (1 Cor 6:19).

She may be angry with you for having sex outside of marriage. While she may have been very willing at the time deep down she is angry with you for going forward with it. One of a wife’s greatest desires is to be protected from harm by her man. She wants you to be her protector and godly leader and although it may not seem fair to you she thinks you have failed her. I have had women tell me they really wanted their then boyfriend to respect them enough to deny his passion. They wanted to be protected and cherished enough to have you say no to ungodliness and worldly lusts (Titus 2:11) even if she was a part of urging you on! In a way she has lost respect for you and may really have a hard time following your leadership because she does not trust you to lead. You may see this come out in other areas of your marriage. 

I know this may not answer all your questions, but it is hopefully a place to start the dialogue with each other. Thankfully God by His grace has provided remedy for all of these things.  Next time I will post more on this subject- God's Remedy for Sexual Sin

The Unhappy Marriage Bed

You were in love, maybe you were engaged. You may have both been believers or just one of you knew Christ then. Maybe neither of you did. You knew pre-marital sex was wrong but didn’t care, or you suspected it was wrong but were not certain. You were pressured or you were willing. I have heard it all from women who had sex with their now-husbands outside of marriage. Honestly, this is becoming a more common reason women seek counseling or couples come for marriage counseling.

It is difficult to explain what goes on in the mind of a woman who has been sexually active outside of marriage (either as a believer or non-believer) when it comes to sex after marriage.

Most likely you enjoyed the intimacy you shared before marriage. You may have even been the aggressor in the relationship. Since marriage you have noticed a steady decline in your interest in sex and this has no doubt confused and frustrated your husband. 

You are possibly struggling with guilt and anger that you may not even understand is there. Many women have described it as a total lack of interest in sex for reasons they don’t understand. They routinely tell me that they do enjoy intimacy, that it is “good for them” but claim they just have no desire for their husband sexually.

This is the cause of much discord because it has left your husband confused and hurt. He has no clue what has changed with you and why you are no longer interested in you sexually. He is simply stopped asking you about it, and has gone to demanding his marital rights which you grudgingly provide. He yells, you cry and this situation leaves no one satisfied and certainly not romantic or passionate. What has happened? 

Although you were a willing sexual partner before marriage you violated your conscience in doing so. Each person, believer or unbeliever is born with a moral compass, a sense of right and wrong; especially if you grew up believing in God and were raised in a non-liberal church setting where marriage between a man and woman is still the norm. (Even in non-Christian homes sex outside of marriage has been frowned upon morally but tolerated or justified as long as the two planned to get married) 

This does not change the biblical fact that fornication (sex outside of marriage) is sinful. All sin violates God’s standard for holiness but especially sexual sin. 

1 Corinthians 6:18 says, “Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body.” 

When you had pre-marital sex you sinned against your own body and all sin has consequences. 

Next time: The Consequences

Sad Results of "Hooking Up"

For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess his own vessel [body] in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do not know God; and that no man transgress and defraud his brother in the matter because the Lord is the avenger in all these things, just as we also told you before and solemnly warned you. For God has not called us for the purpose of impurity, but in sanctification. 1 Thessalonians 4:3-7

Immorality is at an all-time high in our culture. Adultery, serial monogamy, fornication, sexting and other kinds of sexual sin are an all too common phenomenon in our world. Sadly, this stuff takes place among young people even in our churches. Women don’t seem to think too hard about “hooking up” with someone they meet at a party, or a bar anymore. Even Christian women have fallen prey to sexual immorality in secular situations.

I used to be shocked when I was told by a young Christian woman about her sleepovers with male friends, but not any more! It seems that this is a routine occurrence even among our own Christian kids and young adults. Sometimes these casual sleepovers result in casual sex, and in several cases I know of these casual sleepovers have resulted in rape. Tragic consequences for those young women for sure!

Once while I was waiting for someone outside a college I accidentally overheard a conversation taking place between two young college men. The one guy was telling his friend about the girl he met at a party recently and how he could not believe the things she was willing to do with him- repeatedly. I was shocked not only at his vulgarity but also at his willingness to discuss this openly without shame. 

I wondered about this young “lady” then and still do several years later. What circumstances led her to be so careless with her body? What was she thinking and what is her life like today? Is she now like so many women I talk to; full of regret, hardened and ashamed of her past?

If you were intimate with strangers in your life before Christ, you may feel shamed and guilt ridden. When a woman realizes what she has done with her body (no matter how many years ago) a deep sense of shame and guilt is realized. You may think of yourself as “cheap” or “used” and unfit or unworthy of a meaningful sexual relationship in marriage. You may hesitate to give yourself fully to your husband  because on some level you believe you are not worthy of such a wonderful man and anything sexual reminds you of your shameful past. The intimate acts your husband desires may remind you of things you have done with other men and and this will bring back vivid memories that result in shame and guilt. 

This post does not even begin to address the very, very sad and sometimes life-long consequences of sexually transmitted diseases that are contracted through all this illicit sexual activity. 

No matter how acceptable the sexual act is inside of marriage there remains a sense of something spoiled about it for a woman who has previously been sexually active. 

More next time on the results of sexual sin in marriage

Why Women Say "NO"

When doing marriage counseling I hear frequent excuses from wives and frequent complaints from husbands regarding sex. Relationally, sex is supposed to be the demonstration of the close intimate relationship a husband and wife have to each other. Biblically, it represents the relationship of Christ to the church. 

In reality it is a battleground, a subject fought over in too many Christian marriages and a source of great strife between husband and wife. 

It is hard for a man to understand the way a woman thinks about sex. Women are wired much differently with respect to this wonderful gift. Read any book written on the subject and you will learn that women are made different physically and they respond differently to various kinds of stimuli.

You probably know that each sex is stimulated differently. Guys like to look; they are visually stimulated, which is why pornography is so addicting for them. Women daydream and think about romantic scenarios, knights in shining armor and bold and daring rescuers; which is why they read romance novels and watch what is known at our house as “the woman channel” on television. 

One book on the subject says that men are like microwaves, and women are like crock pots when it comes to being ready for sex. A man is ready for sex much faster than a woman, both physically and emotionally. He can come home from playing golf and see her in the kitchen making cookies and be ready to run her to the bedroom. She would most likely refuse his invitation because there are things to do, her hair is a mess, and it is the middle of the day and she has not had one amorous thought. If she consented, it would be grudgingly and she would most likely pretend her way through it.

A man is usually more spontaneously interested and ready for intimacy. Women want to think it over, plan ahead, make arrangements, and set the scene. A truly enjoyable sexual encounter for a woman begins long before it ever happens. She may spend a considerable amount of time playing it out in her mind before her husband gets home from work. 

Husbands wonder why their wives are not interested in sex, and make many of the comments and complaints listed above. Men, if your woman is disinterested, it is up to you to find out why. You are her leader and her helper. Many Christian women are brought up to believe sex is done under the covers and at night. They do not understand their freedom in Christ or in the marriage relationship.

To complicate matters, men are taught wrong things about sex too. The world’s message about women and sex is found on television in programs such as Sex in the City, and Desperate Housewives, and popular music and rap videos. Women are spoken of in derogatory terms often referred to as property to be bought, sold and even loaned out to friends for pleasure. These are the messages the young men and women of the 1990’s and 2000’s are receiving. 

This brings up another prickly issue. Unfortunately, many people engage in sex outside of marriage. In our sex-crazed world there is little thought to sexual purity and modesty. Young women are involved in the most intimate of acts with virtual strangers on a routine basis. Drugs and alcohol numb their inhibitions and the teachings and philosophies of the world have dulled or silenced their consciences. As a result more women then ever before are sexually active at young ages.

There is also the painful result of sexual abuse, incest stranger rape and now date rape. If not dealt with biblically, these traumatic events can change the way a woman responds sexually forever! Added to this list is the painful realization that her husband has been unfaithful or uses pornography.

Each of these matters must be looked at individually and no one volume (especially one of this limited size) may adequately address all these issues.

This week we are going to take a look at this difficult and intimate issue. Stay tuned! 

The Ripple Effects of Sin

Sin is never isolated and it never affects only the sinner. If there is one thing for sure and for certain it is that individual sin reaches far and wide into families. Much like the rings that emanate from a pebble tossed into a still pool of water, the ripple effects of the sin of one person affect many other people.We see this pattern in Scripture (Rom 5:12) where one man sinned and it affected the whole world

We don't tend to think of our clandestine and private sins in that manner. Our deceitful hearts convince us that "no one will know" or that we are not hurting anyone else by what we do in secret but in reality nothing is further from the truth.

When a man or woman views pornography they are on some level affecting their spouse. Their thought life becomes perverted, their desires turn toward unholy things, and the Spirit-life within them is dulled so they no longer desire to fellowship with God. These consequences affect marriage on numerous levels outside of the bedroom! Communication is stunted, relationships suffer, tempers flare; all because of a sin "that won't hurt anyone."

When a woman lies about spending or money, hiding purchases or having credit card bills sent to other addresses (yes, this is done all the time!) she may deceive herself into believing that it is better than having constant fights with her husband over money or worrying him about the budget. This is also revealing the foolishness of the heart. Obviously how money is spent does affect the whole family! Everything from bill paying to food purchases is affected on a practical level, and those important relationships are affected because secrets are a fertile breeding ground for sin! One lie leads to another lie that leads to omission of truth that leads to ongoing deception. There is no openness or oneness in such relationships.

Couples that decide to live together before marriage also think that what they are doing won't hurt anyone. If this is true, then why do many hide the fact? In Christian and other religious families it is particularly devastating when it is learned that children have forsaken all the morals and values they were raised with to shack up before marriage. It ruins trust and calls into question the true regeneration of our kids when they so blatantly disregard Scripture.

Additionally, living together before marriage has long lasting consequences on that marriage. God will not be mocked, and pretending to be married and living as though you are will bring tragic and heartbreaking results to your relationship. A lack of trust, disrespect, a lack of oneness, poor communication, a lack of desire for intimacy on the part of the woman and more sorrowful consequences than this particular post is intended to list.

Becoming involved with an unbeliever also will affect entire families. Even though the disobedient Christian will bear the most direct results of this sin (2 Cor 6:14) others are also hurt by this relationship. When a believing child decides to disregard Scripture and marry an unbeliever it causes strife within the family, heartache for the parents, and separates siblings. If and when the marriage crumbles the children suffer as their parents split up and split them up through divorce.

While sin can take place in private its affects are far reaching and often tragic. Never be so foolish to think that your sin does not hurt anyone else.

"God Told Me"

A very dear friend sent me something to encourage me the other day. It was about stepping out in faith, and the author wrote of her "crossing a modern day Jordan" as she quit her job in a time of financial difficulty because "God instructed me to."

I am glad this woman is realizing her desires by returning to stay-at-home status. I cannot wait for the day I am able to return to ministry as my life's work. However, there were many things in this woman's writing that really concerned me, beginning with the premise that "God told me to" do something.

When I read these kinds of things, I am always tempted to ask exactly how God told them to do something- was it whispered in her ear? Did she get an email or a phone call? I know I sound flip, but this is a perfect example of something I see so often, which is proof texting Scripture to make it fit something we want it to fit, we make it say something we want it to say and use it to justify or spiritualize our own desires!

This nice lady (who I have no doubt means well and believes what she wrote) has yanked a passage of Scripture that was not written to her or her circumstances (It was written to the Hebrews who were to cross into the Promised Land) and made application to her own situation.

When she acted on this "instruction from God" she said she felt a sense of peace and took that as an affirmation that what she had done was the right thing. As she packed her desk and prepared to leave her job she had no plan, no means of replacing the income she would lose- but she did have peace.

You have to understand, I like that peaceful feeling as much as anyone. However, Scripture does not tell me to live my life by such feelings even when they are peaceful feelings. I have had numerous adulterers sit across from me and tell me they felt peace about their affair and women tell me they feel peace about leaving their husbands and children. Even peace can be deceptive and it is also frequently used to justify sin. Another misuse and extrapolation of a passage of Scripture yanked out of context (Phil 4:7)

She states that "God met me at the mailbox" when she arrived home and in the mailbox was an unexpected check that equaled a months wages. She took this as a sign that she was right in quitting her job, and right in taking this "step of faith." 

What makes me shudder is the realization that many other women will read her material and make personal application to their own lives and quit their jobs placing themselves in great financial peril. I have been down this road personally, not only with jobs but with other things when "God told me" to do something.  What happens when the un-plan begins to impact reality? When there are bills to pay and no money, when there are mouths to feed and no food? I cannot abide by such actions as being spiritual, because they are in reality, foolhardy.

I do believe that God can give us direction in life, and I do believe that direction comes from the Bible. I do not believe that taking Scripture out of its context and making personal application to it comes from God as direction for life. This is akin to the person who when looking for direction from God took their Bible, closed their eyes and told themselves they would do whatever the verse their finger landed on when they opened it said to do. Unfortunately for them, their finger landed on Matthew 27:5 (Judas went and hanged himself).  If that were you, you would no more do that than any other absurd thing that someone suggested, but some people still insist on getting their "instruction" from God that way! 


When things go badly after this type of "Godly direction" who gets the blame? God does. "God let me down" is the frequent lament of people in deep trouble due to poor decision making. It is tragic.

Not Because of Who I Am, but Because of Who He Is

I was recently reading a book that contains this statement and it set my mind to whirling!

How much of what happens in our lives to we chalk up to God’s mercy? How much of what happens do we attribute to luck, good fortune, blessings, karma or rubbing a lucky rabbit’s foot? Amy Grant has an old song about angels watching over us, could that be it? Are we just so spiritual now that what happens to us (or what doesn’t happen) is a result of our attaining some spiritual plane that has put us above all the rest of our friends and family?

Hardly… I can honestly say I don’t know anyone who believes that have arrived spiritually. But to what do we credit the things that occur in our daily lives? Why does God help us?

The Bible says

• Our soul waits for the LORD; He is our help and our shield. Psalm 33:20
• God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1
• O give us help against the adversary, For deliverance by man is in vain. Psalm 60:11
• For he will deliver the needy when he cries for help, The afflicted also, and him who has no helper. Psalm 72:12
• If the LORD had not been my help, My soul would soon have dwelt in the abode of silence. Psalm 94:17
• Help me, O LORD my God; Save me according to Your loving kindness. Psalm 109:26
• Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:16

Why does He show us mercy? Why does God not give us what we deserve?

• And He did so to make known the riches of His glory upon vessels of mercy, which He prepared beforehand for glory, Romans 9:23
• …so these also now have been disobedient, that because of the mercy shown to you they also may now be shown mercy. Romans 11:31
• …and for the Gentiles to glorify God for His mercy; as it is written, “Therefore I will give praise to You among the Gentiles, And I will sing to Your name.” Romans 15:9
• But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us… so that in the ages to come He might show the surpassing riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. Ephesians 2:4-7

We are shown mercy because we need it. We need a reprieve from what we have coming to us precisely because we are so sinful. We are the afflicted; we are the dead, the transgressors… Our ugliness and His redemption of us while we were in the ugliest state possible bring Him unbelievable glory. All other gods require us to come to them clean and add to our goodness. Jehovah God is the only God who takes us as we are; dead in our trespasses and sins, living in the lusts of our flesh, indulging the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and by nature children of wrath.

Are you getting the idea? We were not shown mercy and given help because we were so good, but because we were so evil. God did not add His goodness to ours and make us better; He added His goodness to our sinfulness and made us clean. He did for us what we could not do for ourselves.

God helps us and shows us mercy because it glorifies Himself. May He be forever glorified on earth and in the heavens!

Amen and Amen.

Living In Darkness

But if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light that is in you is darkness, how great is the darkness! Matthew 6:23 

I recently had a conversation with a stranger about spiritual things. She was a young woman who was at first blush totally disinterested in the things of God. When she saw my Bible she actually wrinkled her nose and scoffed at me for having one. 

She at first denied even believing in God, but as we talked the truth leaked out around the corners. Confused thoughts tumbled out of her mouth as she tried to describe her understanding of God. She could not understand Scripture, said it made no sense to her. 

As we talked I was saddened by her obvious spiritual blindness. It was as though a great gulf had been fixed between us and I had no way to get her over to my side. She had many questions about God and snippets of knowledge that were more worldly than anything else. Her questions were antagonistic and even hostile as though she was daring me to have an answer. I doubt she would have known if I were lying to her had I just verbally replied, but I asked her to read each answer straight out of His Word.

Before I was a Christian, no one really spoke to me about Christ in a salvific manner as I did with her, so I don’t recall having the responses I saw in her. There is a specific kind of darkness in the eyes of a person who does not know Christ. Jesus said, “The eye is the lamp of the body; so then if your eye is clear, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness.” (Matthew 6:22-23a) 

This was heartbreaking to behold. This young woman who was a literal stranger to me when we began to talk has weighed heavily on my heart and mind. There seemed to be nothing I could say that would unlock her prison of unbelief. The worst part is that she has some very rudimentary glimmers of knowledge but without the Spirit of God there is no hope of understanding. At one point she said that she knew she did not understand what she was reading out of the Bible. I asked her to read 1 Cor. 2:10-15

For to us God revealed them through the Spirit; for the Spirit searches all things, even the depths of God. For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the spirit of the man which is in him? Even so the thoughts of God no one knows except the Spirit of God. Now we have received, not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, so that we may know the things freely given to us by God, which things we also speak, not in words taught by human wisdom, but in those taught by the Spirit, combining spiritual thoughts with spiritual words.

But a natural man does not accept the things of the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him; and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually appraised. But he who is spiritual appraises all things, yet he himself is appraised by no one.

 

Her eyes remained darkened and she seemed to plead with me to make her understand as though I held some power to persuade her. After a time, it appeared that she desperately wanted to be able to be like me. As I explained with verse after verse the difference between the redeemed and the lost, the Light and darkness, and why there is only one way to have a relationship with God she grew more agitated, frustrated that it made no sense to her. This was sorrowful for me. After a while we parted company in a friendly manner. However, we went away as we came- one saved and one lost. 

As a result of this time spent with this person (who was a literal stranger to me) these verses are clearer than they ever were before. To be able to see spiritual blindness is a frightening thing to behold. There is a very real sense of powerlessness about this because I realized in application what I know in a theological sense: who gets saved is not up to me or anyone else. We can present every argument perfectly, be the best apologist possible and if the Spirit of God is not illuminating and revealing no change will take place. We are only conduit carrying the power of God where He wills and to whom He chooses. He did not choose to draw her into His family that day. 

I may have been scattering seed on hard ground, or perhaps beginning to furrow the ground of her heart. Who am I to question His wisdom in this matter? Who am I to say that God has made a mistake in this case? I am not omniscient as God is, nor do I have the long view He has on her life. She may still come to know Him at some point in her life. My responsibility and my joy is to present Him in the most faithful way possible to the unbeliever and to leave the results to the Lord.

The Spirit of God goes where ever it wishes and will draw those whom He chose. Should I have the opportunity to meet her again, I pray I will know that the time we spent together will have begun the work of change in her heart.

More on Lies and Slander

Last time we began learning how to respond when we are attacked by lies and slander. The particulars of any given situation are not as important as helping you to learn how to properly respond to lies and slander when you are confronted by them and to deal with the resulting confusion, hurt, and anger.

The important question you must ask yourself is this: “How can I respond in a way that glorifies God?”

Your natural man will want to reply in anger, do the words you want to say glorify God? (Prov. 4:24; Prov. 19:1; Ecc. 5:6; Col 3:8) Our first desire may be to attack back, to accuse and to think of every terrible thing we can about those who have hurt you by their words. But if your desire is to glorify God, then you must let the Word of God be your guide. 

Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear. Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Ephesians 4:29-31

We are specifically told not to use foul speech in this verse. “Unwholesome” is a nice way of saying “trash”, “garbage.” Paul is telling us not to talk trash to one another or about one another because to give in and indulge the flesh will grieve the Holy Spirit! It grieves Him because we are tearing down someone God has created and who may even be a fellow believer (Jas. 3:8-9), and because Jesus has enabled us to respond righteously by His death and resurrection and we have chosen to ignore that precious gift! (1 Cor. 10:13; 2 Cor. 2:9:8)

We are told to put bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor and slander away from us. The temptation to participate in all these behaviors is very strong when a person is being lied about and slandered. But if we want to glorify God in our response we must deny the desires of the heart and obey God. Your flesh will want revenge! Does avenging yourself glorify God? (Rom. 12:19)

No, of course it does not. To glorify God we must do the hard things in Romans 12

V 14 - Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. It is difficult to pray for those who curse you! It is difficult to bless them with kind words and actions. And yet, it is what we are called to do. 

V 17 - Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. This is the heart of the Christian life! Our response to evil is to be goodness for that is how our Savior responded. Never is a long time and a very definite command. To not pay back evil for evil we must refrain from slandering the person or people who have done it to you. You must not lie or gossip about them. You are to put V 14 into practice. 

V 18 - If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. The hard truth is that despite your best efforts, you may never be at peace with all men because relationships are a two way street. In my assignment scenario (from the previous post) the person being slandered and lied about was really innocent and not even involved in the situation. We live in a very fallen world, and we are often dealing with unbelievers who do not want to be at peace with us. The “If possible” part simply means that we do our best in the situation to be like Christ.

When you have been attacked your pride may be deeply wounded. No one that I know of wants to be thought badly of by other people. Pride is affected when we think we are being denied the respect we believe we are due because of who we are, when we think we deserve better than what we get, or when we think we are worthy of honor and it is denied. Pride is wrongly labeled self-esteem by the modern psychological movement.

It is not a bad thing for your pride to be wounded. God is always in the business of removing pride from the human heart because He hates it! (1 Peter 5:5) Pride draws us away from God and when we get too much of it we seem to believe that we don’t have a need for God or His wisdom as much as when we have been taken down a few notches. (Gal. 6:3; Rom. 12:3)

It is hard to hear people say horrible things to you and about you and while I am not for one moment promoting you place yourself in situations where you will be a verbal punching bag, I am saying that there will be times you must allow it to pass you by without response. (Phil. 2:3-4)

Reading Friends, all of this brings us back to the foot of the cross. Righteous responses like those we have looked at these past two blogs are impossible apart from the Holy Spirit. They are impossible unless we realize that the ground is level at the foot of the cross, and you and I are just as capable of the lies, gossip and slander that may have been thrown our way. We must look at our own heart and examine ourselves in the light of His Word and only by His grace determine to apply these truths to our lives that they will overflow into the lives of others.

A Right Response to Lies and Slander

How can you properly respond to lies and slander when you are confronted by this evil, and how are you to deal biblically with the resulting confusion, hurt, and anger? Every one of us is familiar with the carnal ways we desire to respond and I think sometimes we do so because we have never made a plan to take a different direction.

The best time to make such a plan is before you are in the situation. As a part of your plan you need to take into account some very basic things:

Rule #1 about people is that we don’t like to be told “no.”

Rule #2 - We want what we want and usually are willing to go to great lengths to get it.

Rule #3 seems to be that if we cant get what we want the nice way, we resort to any means possible. This is evident by the fact that there are robberies, murders, and rapes in society. (Jas. 4:2)

Rule #4 – Some people are just mean and ornery because they do not know Christ. We cannot expect an unbeliever to act like a believer! They are acting out of their nature. (John 8:44)

Rule #5- Christians still sin in this way (unfortunately).

When people are denied what they want, they may begin to attack you. Sometimes they drag up every bad thing they can remember you have done, and then they add to the pile by inventing things, slandering your character, even resorting to telling bald faced lies about you. The people who are important to you hear about them as your name is dragged through the mud and your reputation is assaulted. You are baffled by the whole thing! 

The first question you always ask is “why.” Why would someone want to hurt you in this way? This is not a question to spend much time meditating on! When it involves an unbeliever any of the above 4 Rules will cover it, I am afraid. When it involves a believer (and sadly enough it does happen) you have to remember that when a Christian participates in such behavior it  may be out of ignorance. That may be hard to believe, but the person talking about you may not have all the facts, they may be getting faulty information about you and/or the situation.

Of course, it could also be possible that the person is truly just sinning against you. Regardless of the reason for their lies and slander you are responsible for how you respond to it.  Our first response is not usually righteous. Refrain from adding to the sinfulness of this situation and take a deep breath or two and then think biblically about this situation. 

The important question you must ask yourself is this: “How can I respond in a way that glorifies God?” It does help to remember what Jesus said,

“Remember the word that I said to you, ‘A slave is not greater than his master.’ If they persecuted Me, they will also persecute you; if they kept My word, they will keep yours also. John 15:20.

Jesus makes it clear that we should expect to be hated because we are living lives that are not in synch with the rest of this world. We are the anti-type, the anomaly. Our morals and values are different than those of unbelievers and our priorities are those of the Lord.

Beloved, I urge you as aliens and strangers to abstain from fleshly lusts which wage war against the soul. Keep your behavior excellent among the Gentiles, so that in the thing in which they slander you as evildoers, they may because of your good deeds, as they observe them, glorify God in the day of visitation. 1 Peter 2:11-12

Second, remember that we seek to glorify Him rather than living for ourselves (Col. 1:10). Oh! It is so very hard in those moments to push back against the flesh, when everything inside you screams to be let loose and reply in kind to the treatment you have received! The heart (thoughts, beliefs, emotions, desires) is full of all the wrong kinds of responses!

(“For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, slanders.” Matthew 15:19) so following your heart is the wrong course of action! If you want to glorify God in how you respond (1 Pet. 2:1) then you must look to Christ for the example.

For this finds favor, if for the sake of conscience toward God a person bears up under sorrows when suffering unjustly. For what credit is there if, when you sin and are harshly treated, you endure it with patience? But if when you do what is right and suffer for it you patiently endure it, this finds favor with God. For you have been called for this purpose, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in His steps, who committed no sin, nor was any deceit found in His mouth; and while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously; 1 Peter 2:19-23

God has enabled you through the ministry of the Holy Spirit to bear the pain of unjust suffering. While it is a blow to the pride (which is also a good thing) to not retaliate it is the right response. You can choose to accept by faith that this trial is a part of God’s methods of growing and changing you, and that these things are also conforming you to the image and likeness of Christ.

Press on Toward the Goal

Each of us continues to press on toward the goal, the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. What on earth does that mean? How can such a thing be made practical for you and I apply to our daily lives?

Pressing on toward holiness. That will evoke a vast difference of thoughts for each person reading this today. Holiness is God's standard for us, it is what He has made us in Christ. He desires we become. This is a positional statement, it is a state of being. We have been chosen to "be" holy as much as we have been chosen to "be" women. It is something God determined we would be before time began (Ephesians 1).

Since we have been chosen and have been made holy in Christ the outflow of that reality is that we live as though it is true. "Be holy as I am holy" the Scriptures say (1 Peter 1:15,16). To live holy I may have to eliminate things that are not going to reflect the truth about me. It could mean that I have to clean up my language or not watch certain programs or movies anymore because they lead me away from holiness. It could mean starting things like Bible reading and prayer if these have not been a consistent part of my life because these things will lead me to respond as one who is practicing holiness.

Pressing on toward righteousness. Each Christian has been made righteous through Christ who is our righteousness. (2 Cor. 5:21) "Christ our righteousness" This is a positional truth and it means that when God looks on you and me He does not see our unrighteousness, He does not see the works we do in our vain attempts to be righteous without Him. What He sees is the perfect righteousness of Jesus Christ as though it covered us like a robe. That is the positional part of being righteous. The other aspect of righteousness is what we do as a person who has been clothed in the perfect righteousness of Christ.

How do we live? Do we present ourselves as "righteous?" Not self-righteous but as people who understand that we are not bound to the sinful chains of the past when were non pase non pecare (not able not to sin) when all that we were was sin, and we were completely helpless against the pull and urges of the sinful nature. Do we live as people of freedom who are conscious of the great responsibility we bear of carrying the righteousness of Christ?

Pressing on toward faithfulness. God has given the Christian the ability to be faithful in all things. This again is due to our being in Christ. Without this union you and I are helpless to be faithful to God. The Bible vividly describes unfaithful people in the Old Testament and how God dealt with them. The Bible also describes those who were faithful; such as Moses, Abraham and others who are listed for us in the Hall of Faith in the book of Hebrews. They were considered righteous because of their faith!

Is your faith visible in your life? When trials befall you are you strengthened by your faith in God? Do you really believe that God causes all things to work together for the good of those who love God? (Romans 8:28) Times of trial is when our faith tends to wane the most. We struggle to understand that trials are faith builders not faith eliminators. Remaining true to your word for service to others at church and home is difficult but it certainly can and ought to be done. Being faithful reveals your belief that God is sovereign, and that He has your particular circumstances well in hand. It shows those around you that you trust God enough with all the details to keep going daily in spite of your hardships.

Think on these things for today, ask the Lord how you are doing in applying the truth of these few things: holiness, righteousness, and faithfulness. If you are not doing so hot in these things ask the Lord's help in growing more in each of these areas and be prepared for His answer! He desires that you grow more and more and He will be sure and present you with opportunities for practicing holiness, righteousness, and faithfulness.