We have been looking at the victim's heart since last Friday. When dealing with a woman who has been victimized by her husband or boyfriend you may learn that he has repented of his sin and is living to glorify God. She however, has become the judge, jury, and prosecution of the man. The sin issues of her heart must be identified and confronted in addition to dealing with the sin and repentance of the husband.
So the focus of the people helping must be balanced equally between the victims and offenders, of which there are now two of each! Observation has taught me that usually by the time we the couple to a round table discussion the original offender has repented and has begun to demonstrate the good fruit of that repentance.
He is confused as to why things in the marriage are still going so badly overall and why his wife reacts and responds the way she does.
The challenge in any of these situations is for the wife to move beyond the victim mentality, cease being the offender, and go forward in a restored relationship. For that to take place the heart must be affected in the areas of forgiveness, pride, anger and its resulting bitterness, and fear just to name a few places to begin with your counselee. A person has really got to be willing to humble themselves in such a case but I can think of no better place to start the work than in the area of pride.
No matter what the resulting issues may be, it is imperative that we remember that God is actively opposing the prideful person. He is standing against you if you are prideful and self-righteous! (Jas. 4:6) This thinking often arises out of the mis-belief that you are incapable of such a deed as has been done to you. That you are too holy, too good, too sanctified to ever be caught up in such sin. Well, that maybe true for whatever the specific sin is that has been done against you or by your husband but I promise you that you are capable of something just as grievous to God. You must repent.
Remind yourself daily of your need for the gospel! God will take care of your husband (of offender); you must now focus on your own sinful areas (Rom 12:18, 1 Thes. 4:11). Remember that you are also unworthy of forgiveness, and mercy and grace! Demonstrate the kind of forgiveness that God has:
But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
Romans 5:8
God’s forgiveness of you is conditional only in the sense that a person belongs to Him to receive it. He forgave us in eternity past when He predestined us to be His children (Eph. 1) and He throws our sin as far as the ends of the earth. (Ps. 103:12) God does not “forget” our sin; he chooses to remember it no more! (Jer. 31:34; Heb. 10:17) You can do the same!
…seeing that His divine power has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness, through the true knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and excellence. 2 Peter 1:3
Although I only quoted verse 3 for space reasons, the following verses to 8 are also quite appropriate to remind us what we have been enabled to do and what God expects from us as a result. Choose today to remember no more the sin of the one who has hurt you. Tell him or her you forgive them from the heart because it glorifies God to do so and then determine to never again bring it up to them, yourself, or anyone else.
Do not give in to the temptation to manipulate by emotions. Ask yourself if what you want to do glorifies God. Determine to attack the problems before you, not the person. Anger is an emotion given by God to motivate us to solve problems not to hurt each other with (Eph. 4:26,27).
You will be amazed at how these little steps can make such a difference in your heart and life and these people and relationships you have struggled with for so long. You don’t need to avenge yourself or to be afraid of being made a fool of. God, who sees all and knows all, will honor your desire to follow Him and to honor Him by how you live. Go forward in freedom from the past!
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
The Self-righteous Victim
Last Friday we began looking at the possible sinful reactions of a person who has been victimized by her spouse. The one who began as the victim becomes the perpetrator.
When I find a woman is responding in this manner she must be confronted about her sinful attitudes toward her husband. She must be called to account on these numerous levels.
Often, the wife would come to counseling with the expectation that the former offender be the only one challenged, rebuked, corrected or the only one who is in need of any kind of change! She is often very offended when confronted about her own sin, believing and saying things like, “This is not why we are here.” “Why are you picking on me?” “What about him/her?”
This position of self-righteousness leaves little room for examination of their own heart, and little room for accepting any responsibility or contribution to the problems that led up to the violations. There will be some admission that “I am not perfect either” but there is much more concern toward pointing out their spouses wrongs. When challenged in the counseling process, their responses often begin with, “Yes, but he…..” “Well, I did (blank) and she ….” in an attempt to shift any blame away from themselves.
In situations where the wife does say she forgives, another issue that can arise is the demand for “love” and for him to understand how long it is taking to get over the offence. This is displayed by radical mood swings, crying jags, silent treatment, reminders of the past offences that she is quick to assure him he is forgiven of!
Her demands for love and understanding and time to heal are often impossible to meet because no matter how much love, time, and understanding is given it is never enough! The former offender is forever held as an
emotional hostage by his deeds of the past.
These responses are often confusing to the former offender. For example, things at home may be going just
fine, they may have enjoyed the day of companionship and then apparently out of the blue the victim suddenly becomes angry and nearly hostile toward him.
Sometimes no amount of asking or pleading will pry from her lips what happened. Questions and attempts to
understand are met with silence or responses like, “You should know!” or, “If you loved me, you would know!”
Physical and emotional intimacy is essentially non-existent between the two people. There may be sex, but no intimacy because she is not going to allow herself to be vulnerable again. Her heart becomes a closed room to him. Small and insignificant matters balloon into major confrontations, and there is little peace in the home. Over time every word and deed is analyzed and becomes cannon fodder for arguments that degenerate into hostility on both sides. What is quickly evident in these kinds of cases is that while the he was responsible for the sin that brought this couple to the table, God has used it to reveal some areas in her heart that need to be dealt with also.
What I have learned through ministering to people is that it quickly becomes evident that on some level (and I am not always sure they realize it) the former-victim-turned-offender is enjoying the grilling the other person gets because it validates their anger and bitterness toward them for these (in some cases) long standing sins.
Likewise, the former-offender-turned-victim is realizing that they are not necessarily the scum of the earth they have been made out to be since they repented of their sin!
So the focus of the people helping must be balanced equally between the victims and offenders, of which there are now two of each!
More tomorrow...
When I find a woman is responding in this manner she must be confronted about her sinful attitudes toward her husband. She must be called to account on these numerous levels.
Often, the wife would come to counseling with the expectation that the former offender be the only one challenged, rebuked, corrected or the only one who is in need of any kind of change! She is often very offended when confronted about her own sin, believing and saying things like, “This is not why we are here.” “Why are you picking on me?” “What about him/her?”
This position of self-righteousness leaves little room for examination of their own heart, and little room for accepting any responsibility or contribution to the problems that led up to the violations. There will be some admission that “I am not perfect either” but there is much more concern toward pointing out their spouses wrongs. When challenged in the counseling process, their responses often begin with, “Yes, but he…..” “Well, I did (blank) and she ….” in an attempt to shift any blame away from themselves.
In situations where the wife does say she forgives, another issue that can arise is the demand for “love” and for him to understand how long it is taking to get over the offence. This is displayed by radical mood swings, crying jags, silent treatment, reminders of the past offences that she is quick to assure him he is forgiven of!
Her demands for love and understanding and time to heal are often impossible to meet because no matter how much love, time, and understanding is given it is never enough! The former offender is forever held as an
emotional hostage by his deeds of the past.
These responses are often confusing to the former offender. For example, things at home may be going just
fine, they may have enjoyed the day of companionship and then apparently out of the blue the victim suddenly becomes angry and nearly hostile toward him.
Sometimes no amount of asking or pleading will pry from her lips what happened. Questions and attempts to
understand are met with silence or responses like, “You should know!” or, “If you loved me, you would know!”
Physical and emotional intimacy is essentially non-existent between the two people. There may be sex, but no intimacy because she is not going to allow herself to be vulnerable again. Her heart becomes a closed room to him. Small and insignificant matters balloon into major confrontations, and there is little peace in the home. Over time every word and deed is analyzed and becomes cannon fodder for arguments that degenerate into hostility on both sides. What is quickly evident in these kinds of cases is that while the he was responsible for the sin that brought this couple to the table, God has used it to reveal some areas in her heart that need to be dealt with also.
What I have learned through ministering to people is that it quickly becomes evident that on some level (and I am not always sure they realize it) the former-victim-turned-offender is enjoying the grilling the other person gets because it validates their anger and bitterness toward them for these (in some cases) long standing sins.
Likewise, the former-offender-turned-victim is realizing that they are not necessarily the scum of the earth they have been made out to be since they repented of their sin!
So the focus of the people helping must be balanced equally between the victims and offenders, of which there are now two of each!
More tomorrow...
Friday, May 27, 2011
The Hard-hearted Victim
Human nature being what it is, we are often presented with cases where one person has caused harm to another.
Many of the cases we deal with are marital situations where husband or wife has grievously sinned against the other and have broken a sacred trust, violated the marriage covenant, or become untrustworthy in any number of ways.
A few examples would be adultery, catching your husband using pornography, violating financial trust by over-spending or running up a credit card. In these situations there is always a victim. The heart of a person who has been victimized is focused on protecting self from being hurt again.
The heart is the biblical term Jesus Himself used to describe the inner man. It contains your thoughts, beliefs, emotions, mind, thoughts, spirit, desires, soul, will, and every other immaterial thing about you. Your heart is the place where the essence of who you are resides. In the center of every heart that has been hurt or abused the desire to protect “me” from being victimized again.
When the goal is to protect yourself your will have various thoughts that you believe will prevent you from being hurt again. Those thoughts, beliefs, and desires might look something like these:
• I must protect myself
• I must look out for myself
• I must not ever let this happen to me again
• He/she is not trustworthy
• I must check up on everything he/she does
• I must not be fooled again
• Verify, verify, verify before trusting
This makes a person suspicious of everything the other person does and says. They have a general lack of faith and trust in them that is evidenced by disbelief of their actions and words. They may also demonstrate anger and even bitterness that plays out in a living desire to “make him/her” pay for what they did.
I have seen this play out over and over in numerous people’s lives and it is a sorrow to behold. In some cases, when there is no repentance on the part of the offender, we can allow the victim to seek a divorce after other means are satisfied and it is clear that hope for reconciliation is gone.
When we have the opportunity, our goal is to the one who was victimized how to live with the offender in a Christ-like manner, bearing up with the strength of God.
However, the majority of our cases of this kind are marital and they involve two believers who say they are willing to submit to our counsel and who say they are willing to change. What we find through the counseling process is that even when the presenting issue of the offender is dealt with biblically there is much work yet to be done.
In cases where a person as been victimized what we frequently see is that even when the offender confesses his/her sin and repents it is not perceived as “enough” by the victim. The offender recognizes his sin and through the counseling process has experienced true heart change and has begun to live these changes out daily. He has confessed his sin against her, and asked her forgiveness.
The victim is not at all sure this is for real and she does not trust his words or his new actions. She is always looking to catch him in some act of deception. She is critical of his profession of change and it shows in everything she says and does concerning him.
What has happened is that the once-victim, often perceives herself as the righteous, wounded party. She has adopted a position of self-righteousness and her pride in that is evident. She appears to believe that her spouse is not as spiritual or as acceptable to God as she is. She communicates through verbal and non-verbal communication that she has no sin, or certainly none as egregious as his, and almost literally peers down her nose at her spouse “The Sinner.”
Incredibly, the two people have switched rolls and the one who was a victim now becomes the offender. (If this at all describes a situation you find yourself in, please don’t tune me out now!) This is displayed in ongoing bitterness, hard-heartedness, critical spirit, condemnation and in general, a “raising the bar” lifestyle. “It” (whatever change has been made, whatever accountability is in place, how ever many hoops to jump through) is never good enough. She is always looking for that one shed of evidence to prove to herself, the counselor, their friends, but most especially to her spouse that he has not changed one little bit.
Monday we will look at how to handle this problem of the Victim's Heart
Many of the cases we deal with are marital situations where husband or wife has grievously sinned against the other and have broken a sacred trust, violated the marriage covenant, or become untrustworthy in any number of ways.
A few examples would be adultery, catching your husband using pornography, violating financial trust by over-spending or running up a credit card. In these situations there is always a victim. The heart of a person who has been victimized is focused on protecting self from being hurt again.
The heart is the biblical term Jesus Himself used to describe the inner man. It contains your thoughts, beliefs, emotions, mind, thoughts, spirit, desires, soul, will, and every other immaterial thing about you. Your heart is the place where the essence of who you are resides. In the center of every heart that has been hurt or abused the desire to protect “me” from being victimized again.
When the goal is to protect yourself your will have various thoughts that you believe will prevent you from being hurt again. Those thoughts, beliefs, and desires might look something like these:
• I must protect myself
• I must look out for myself
• I must not ever let this happen to me again
• He/she is not trustworthy
• I must check up on everything he/she does
• I must not be fooled again
• Verify, verify, verify before trusting
This makes a person suspicious of everything the other person does and says. They have a general lack of faith and trust in them that is evidenced by disbelief of their actions and words. They may also demonstrate anger and even bitterness that plays out in a living desire to “make him/her” pay for what they did.
I have seen this play out over and over in numerous people’s lives and it is a sorrow to behold. In some cases, when there is no repentance on the part of the offender, we can allow the victim to seek a divorce after other means are satisfied and it is clear that hope for reconciliation is gone.
When we have the opportunity, our goal is to the one who was victimized how to live with the offender in a Christ-like manner, bearing up with the strength of God.
However, the majority of our cases of this kind are marital and they involve two believers who say they are willing to submit to our counsel and who say they are willing to change. What we find through the counseling process is that even when the presenting issue of the offender is dealt with biblically there is much work yet to be done.
In cases where a person as been victimized what we frequently see is that even when the offender confesses his/her sin and repents it is not perceived as “enough” by the victim. The offender recognizes his sin and through the counseling process has experienced true heart change and has begun to live these changes out daily. He has confessed his sin against her, and asked her forgiveness.
The victim is not at all sure this is for real and she does not trust his words or his new actions. She is always looking to catch him in some act of deception. She is critical of his profession of change and it shows in everything she says and does concerning him.
What has happened is that the once-victim, often perceives herself as the righteous, wounded party. She has adopted a position of self-righteousness and her pride in that is evident. She appears to believe that her spouse is not as spiritual or as acceptable to God as she is. She communicates through verbal and non-verbal communication that she has no sin, or certainly none as egregious as his, and almost literally peers down her nose at her spouse “The Sinner.”
Incredibly, the two people have switched rolls and the one who was a victim now becomes the offender. (If this at all describes a situation you find yourself in, please don’t tune me out now!) This is displayed in ongoing bitterness, hard-heartedness, critical spirit, condemnation and in general, a “raising the bar” lifestyle. “It” (whatever change has been made, whatever accountability is in place, how ever many hoops to jump through) is never good enough. She is always looking for that one shed of evidence to prove to herself, the counselor, their friends, but most especially to her spouse that he has not changed one little bit.
Monday we will look at how to handle this problem of the Victim's Heart
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Forgiving the Unthinkable
I have been meeting with a woman whose husband recently admitted he had been involved in an adulterous relationship. She was of course devastated by his admission and was seeking help to deal with her anger, hurt, and betrayal.
There is really no easy way to address these issues, because adultery rips the guts out of the marriage. The above responses are typical for the spouse who has been sinned against by adultery.
The progression of events begins with the revelation of the adultery through admission or by being caught. Once the sin is brought to light the spouse who has been sinned against typically looks for the details of the "affair." It is difficult to understand why it is so important to know these details, but for many spouses it is of great importance. However, each new revelation only increases the hurt and pain, and as the pain level increases so does the anger and realization of horrendous betrayal.
The anger is directed in a variety of directions beyond the cheating spouse and the other person. Often, the spouse blames themselves for not being "better" or more alert to subtle changes in their husband or wife. Sometimes they blame God, wondering why He would allow such a thing to happen to them. If friends were aware that things didn't seem quite right they can also be the recipient of anger by the offended spouse.
Anytime adultery takes place the marriage covenant is broken. Biblically, this can free the offended spouse to divorce their cheating husband or wife (Matt. 19:8) if they so choose to do so. Moses permitted divorce because of the hardness of the heart of the one who was betrayed but it was not always that way! However, for the Christian there is a higher principle that must be considered- the principle of forgiveness.
Not surprisingly, Forgiveness is not the road most oft' traveled. It is the biblical road for the Christian to take, and while it can be incredibly difficult, is the one that brings glory to God. You must remember that adultery is a sin like any other sin. It is not unforgivable and if the adulterer repents and both parties are willing to work on the marriage it can be repaired and be even stronger than it was previously. Forgiveness is a critical component in this process.
Without forgiveness, bitterness will quickly set into the heart of the betrayed spouse. This will lead to complicating sin issues as bitterness defiles many (Hebrews 12:15) other areas of life. Bitterness is an incredible poison that can be completely avoided if only the one who is hurt will extend forgiveness to the spouse who betrayed them.
With forgiveness, healing can and does take place in the heart of the betrayed and in the marriage itself. God is greatly glorified and grace and mercy are put on triumphant display for all the world to see! The one offering forgiveness is imitating Christ, by their willingness to forgive such a grievous wrong. You say the adulterer doesn't "deserve" forgiveness? You are right in that for none of us "deserves" forgiveness and yet it was given to us...this is what makes it all so miraculous and such a wonderful gift and ability.
Yet for this reason I found mercy, so that in me as the foremost, Jesus Christ might demonstrate His perfect patience as an example for those who would believe in Him for eternal life. 1 Timothy 1:16
There is really no easy way to address these issues, because adultery rips the guts out of the marriage. The above responses are typical for the spouse who has been sinned against by adultery.
The progression of events begins with the revelation of the adultery through admission or by being caught. Once the sin is brought to light the spouse who has been sinned against typically looks for the details of the "affair." It is difficult to understand why it is so important to know these details, but for many spouses it is of great importance. However, each new revelation only increases the hurt and pain, and as the pain level increases so does the anger and realization of horrendous betrayal.
The anger is directed in a variety of directions beyond the cheating spouse and the other person. Often, the spouse blames themselves for not being "better" or more alert to subtle changes in their husband or wife. Sometimes they blame God, wondering why He would allow such a thing to happen to them. If friends were aware that things didn't seem quite right they can also be the recipient of anger by the offended spouse.
Anytime adultery takes place the marriage covenant is broken. Biblically, this can free the offended spouse to divorce their cheating husband or wife (Matt. 19:8) if they so choose to do so. Moses permitted divorce because of the hardness of the heart of the one who was betrayed but it was not always that way! However, for the Christian there is a higher principle that must be considered- the principle of forgiveness.
Not surprisingly, Forgiveness is not the road most oft' traveled. It is the biblical road for the Christian to take, and while it can be incredibly difficult, is the one that brings glory to God. You must remember that adultery is a sin like any other sin. It is not unforgivable and if the adulterer repents and both parties are willing to work on the marriage it can be repaired and be even stronger than it was previously. Forgiveness is a critical component in this process.
Without forgiveness, bitterness will quickly set into the heart of the betrayed spouse. This will lead to complicating sin issues as bitterness defiles many (Hebrews 12:15) other areas of life. Bitterness is an incredible poison that can be completely avoided if only the one who is hurt will extend forgiveness to the spouse who betrayed them.
With forgiveness, healing can and does take place in the heart of the betrayed and in the marriage itself. God is greatly glorified and grace and mercy are put on triumphant display for all the world to see! The one offering forgiveness is imitating Christ, by their willingness to forgive such a grievous wrong. You say the adulterer doesn't "deserve" forgiveness? You are right in that for none of us "deserves" forgiveness and yet it was given to us...this is what makes it all so miraculous and such a wonderful gift and ability.
Yet for this reason I found mercy, so that in me as the foremost, Jesus Christ might demonstrate His perfect patience as an example for those who would believe in Him for eternal life. 1 Timothy 1:16
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
The Members of Your Body
and do not go on presenting the members of your body to sin as instruments of unrighteousness; but present yourselves to God as those alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God. Romans 6:13 (NASB)
Offering the members of your body to sin as instruments of unrighteousness takes many forms. Something to keep in mind is anytime you indulge your flesh to the point of "addictions" you have become a slave to whatever you are worshiping.
For example, I used to worship the idea of being thin, and so I abused my body to make it that way. I thought I was in control of the situation, but I quickly learned that if I wanted to be thin I was going to have to play by the "thin rules." Those rules included not eating or not eating much beyond diet soda and popcorn, not cooking, not making foods I knew others would enjoy because I would eat them too and that would violate the "thin rules."
I thought I was exercising control over my life, and in actuality I became a voluntary slave to being thin. My days and activities were constantly dominated by "don't." Don't eat this or that, don't go here or there because they could have food. Don't go out to lunch with your friends because you will eat. You can't eat because then you won't be thin!
This way of life took over my life. I had no freedom or control, because what I once controlled was now controlling me!
The person who wakes up on their face in the driveway one morning, all foggy brained from the drunk or high they went on the night before may not understand their slavery. The young woman who rushes to the bathroom many times a day to vomit up her food intake does not understand her slavery either. The young man who clicks on pornography in his bedroom in the dark, seeking harder and harder porn thinks he is only looking for the next thrill. The man or woman who takes the house payment to the casino for one last try at making it rich doesn't understand what drives them, or that they are no longer having "fun" at this anymore.
Each of these people is real! They are your friends and neighbors, family or co-workers. Maybe one of them is you.
There is only One who can free you from such bondage. We bring His message of hope and truth to the hurting people surrounding us.
The reality about sin is, The Lord is not going to swoop in and take away all your sinful desires. It is going to take the hard work of a changed heart to bring about the changed life you so deeply desire.
At some point, you are going to have to be willing to knock whatever you worship off the altar. Knocking it down will be painful, I will warn you now. You cannot expect to claim it in Jesus' Name and walk away healed and free, that is foolishness. You have built a system of belief and a system of worship around this thing and it colors and influences how you "do" life!
You must begin with prayerful determination that you will no longer be a slave to whatever has you bound (Romans 6). Enlist the help of those around you and make yourself accountable to them for change (Galatians 6:1-2). Learn where your pitfalls are, what sets you off, what makes you run to that old comfortable idol and then make a plan to run somewhere else- like into the throne room of the Almighty God (Hebrews 4:16). It is there that you will find grace to help you in your time of need.
There is a reason that Ephesians 4:22 tells us to throw off our old fleshy selves, our old desires, our old objects of worship; it is because they capture us and enslave us and they grow more and more powerful in our lives and they corrupt us further and further until we believe we are beyond hope.
Do not go back to the grave dear friends. You have been set free!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
A Stupid Sheep A-Wandering
I have gone astray like a lost sheep; seek Your servant, For I do not forget Your commandments.
Psalm 119:176 (NASB)
There is no missing the parallel in the Bible between God's people and sheep. Sheep are certainly useful creatures yet they are fairly stupid unless they are given the proper guidance from the shepherd. Sheep will head off in their own direction away from the safety of the flock and will be unable to find their way back. They are helpless balls of fluff that cannot effectively fend for themselves so they are easy prey. If a sheep falls over it cannot get back up on its own, it must have help. Sheep need their shepherd. Christians need their Shepherd.
There are times in my life when I realize I have wandered from the fold. When something happens that I was not counting on and the thought, "God is sovereign" suddenly seems like a new thought to me, I realize I have been grazing in another pasture.
Wandering away happens little by little, step by step. A small compromise here and there and before long we are far enough away from our Shepherd that we can no longer see Him. The ability to rationalize and justify our actions is part of what walks us away from the safety of the sheepfold. It is all too easy to excuse not reading the Word of God, to dismiss the importance of weekly fellowship with other Christians, to make light of foolish talk and coarse jesting (Eph. 5:4) and to go on as though everything were fine.
We make light of the very sin that put Jesus on the cross and in so doing we make a mockery of His suffering and death on our behalf.
Small matters of disobedience reap huge harvests of unrighteousness in the life of a Christian. Little compromises lead to larger ones; the sins blooming like well-fed crops. One day we may not recognize who we have become as life is now dominated by sinful actions.
You cannot expect to willfully sin and have no consequences. Even if no other person knows you have developed a lifestyle of sin, the Lord most certainly knows and He will deal with you. He is loving in his discipline but it is a terrible thing to fall into the hands of the living God. You will find that even in His grace and mercy, consequences are hard.
Have you been a stupid sheep a-wandering? Does this describe you right now? If so, I urge you to repent and return to the Shepherd. Come back to the sheepfold before you fall into a deeper hole of sin.
Psalm 119:176 (NASB)
There is no missing the parallel in the Bible between God's people and sheep. Sheep are certainly useful creatures yet they are fairly stupid unless they are given the proper guidance from the shepherd. Sheep will head off in their own direction away from the safety of the flock and will be unable to find their way back. They are helpless balls of fluff that cannot effectively fend for themselves so they are easy prey. If a sheep falls over it cannot get back up on its own, it must have help. Sheep need their shepherd. Christians need their Shepherd.
There are times in my life when I realize I have wandered from the fold. When something happens that I was not counting on and the thought, "God is sovereign" suddenly seems like a new thought to me, I realize I have been grazing in another pasture.
Wandering away happens little by little, step by step. A small compromise here and there and before long we are far enough away from our Shepherd that we can no longer see Him. The ability to rationalize and justify our actions is part of what walks us away from the safety of the sheepfold. It is all too easy to excuse not reading the Word of God, to dismiss the importance of weekly fellowship with other Christians, to make light of foolish talk and coarse jesting (Eph. 5:4) and to go on as though everything were fine.
We make light of the very sin that put Jesus on the cross and in so doing we make a mockery of His suffering and death on our behalf.
Small matters of disobedience reap huge harvests of unrighteousness in the life of a Christian. Little compromises lead to larger ones; the sins blooming like well-fed crops. One day we may not recognize who we have become as life is now dominated by sinful actions.
You cannot expect to willfully sin and have no consequences. Even if no other person knows you have developed a lifestyle of sin, the Lord most certainly knows and He will deal with you. He is loving in his discipline but it is a terrible thing to fall into the hands of the living God. You will find that even in His grace and mercy, consequences are hard.
Have you been a stupid sheep a-wandering? Does this describe you right now? If so, I urge you to repent and return to the Shepherd. Come back to the sheepfold before you fall into a deeper hole of sin.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Social Networking Dangers
I have commented other times about the dangers of social networking sites. I do use them, and I enjoy using them quite a bit! My entire family has Facebook pages and we have one for our ministry and counseling center as well. They are excellent tools when used correctly. Unfortunately, not everyone plays by the same rules and they are rife with opportunities for danger and sin.
As Christian women we have a responsibility to look after our households, and to be aware of the influences of the media on our family. We are cautious with television and reading material, however I have seen many wonderful Christian parents completely let go of the reigns when it comes to what their children post on social networking sites. We must always be aware and look wise to the ways of our households in every circumstance. This is includes pictures our children post on line (especially teenage daughters!) and status updates. This internet world is enormous and it is frightening the ability that nefarious people have to not only connect in an anonymous way but to view and steal pictures of people that interest them.
One other area that we women must pay attention to, is who we "connect" with and who our husbands "connect" with. I recently heard on a radio program a woman telling the host about the financial disaster she was in because her husband ran off with a woman he met on a social networking site. A former neighbor of ours became our neighbor because her husband met another woman on the internet and ran off to our State to be with her.
It is not only men of course who are vulnerable to such things! It is so very easy for a woman to make an emotional connection with a man over the internet. This very disconnected method of "relationships" has shipwrecked many marriages and led to innumerable broken hearts and destroyed families.
If you have a Facebook account or a MySpace account it is crucial that you are accountable to your spouse about your "friends." Over the past year or so we have reconnected with some of our old friends and acquaintances from our high school years and we have many new friends from our church and those who attend our Track Training Classes for Biblical Counseling. We have an agreement that as a general rule we do not "friend" single people of the opposite sex. On those rare occasions all of FB postings and chats are available for the other person to view because it is sent to our email addresses. It is another measure of accountability that we have set up between us so that there is never a question of our integrity.
We must grow wise to the ways of the world, the flesh and the devil for they are seeking to devour us and our households.
As Christian women we have a responsibility to look after our households, and to be aware of the influences of the media on our family. We are cautious with television and reading material, however I have seen many wonderful Christian parents completely let go of the reigns when it comes to what their children post on social networking sites. We must always be aware and look wise to the ways of our households in every circumstance. This is includes pictures our children post on line (especially teenage daughters!) and status updates. This internet world is enormous and it is frightening the ability that nefarious people have to not only connect in an anonymous way but to view and steal pictures of people that interest them.
One other area that we women must pay attention to, is who we "connect" with and who our husbands "connect" with. I recently heard on a radio program a woman telling the host about the financial disaster she was in because her husband ran off with a woman he met on a social networking site. A former neighbor of ours became our neighbor because her husband met another woman on the internet and ran off to our State to be with her.
It is not only men of course who are vulnerable to such things! It is so very easy for a woman to make an emotional connection with a man over the internet. This very disconnected method of "relationships" has shipwrecked many marriages and led to innumerable broken hearts and destroyed families.
If you have a Facebook account or a MySpace account it is crucial that you are accountable to your spouse about your "friends." Over the past year or so we have reconnected with some of our old friends and acquaintances from our high school years and we have many new friends from our church and those who attend our Track Training Classes for Biblical Counseling. We have an agreement that as a general rule we do not "friend" single people of the opposite sex. On those rare occasions all of FB postings and chats are available for the other person to view because it is sent to our email addresses. It is another measure of accountability that we have set up between us so that there is never a question of our integrity.
We must grow wise to the ways of the world, the flesh and the devil for they are seeking to devour us and our households.
Friday, May 20, 2011
A Praying Life
In the early morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house, and went away to a secluded place, and was praying there. Mark 1:34 (NASB)
I have been reading the book, A Praying Life by Paul Miller. I was able to get it for free on Kindle for PC and I downloaded it without knowing anything about it. From the first page I was hooked by the openness and honesty of the author as he writes about the reality of how prayer "works" for so many of us. This is a very refreshing read about how we communicate with God.
I find prayer to be an exhausting exercise and too often my prayers amount to little more than a list of stuff I want from God. How sad for me and all those like me! Presenting the Lord with a list of prayer requests is not something that "happens" to us, it is something we do as a result of 1) our sinful hearts that focus more on self than God and others, and 2) the cultural influences we accept and begin to live out.
How often I have simply come to God asking Him for this or that, and left out all that is important to Him!
I have another excellent book entitled, All the Prayers of the Bible (Herbert Lockyear)and within its covers are fantastic examples of prayer that honors and edifies God and also brings out the true needs of the believer. They are the prayers of all the OT saints and also the NT saints like Paul, Peter, John and the prayers of Jesus too. If you are looking for some help and direction on how to pray as the heroes of our faith prayed I suggest you check it out.
Paul's prayers include things like asking God that the saints would know Him, desire Him, understand His will, and all this for the purpose of walking through this life in a manner that pleases Him! Ha, more accurately, the NASB says so that we may live lives worthy of Him...Nothing like the way we usually pray...
I also read The Valley of Vision which is a collection of Puritan prayers. These cut my heart to the quick and cause me to examine it every time I read this powerful little book.
How is it that we (I) have strayed so far from His ideals and wandered into our (my) own pasture? How, in spite of all the reading and studying and praying I have done over the years can it be true that I am still such a...failure when it comes to knowing and understanding Him? My heart cries out to know Him, and to live my life in a way that glorifies Him and yet I am still so very far away remembering to pray for all He says in His Word?
Don't misunderstand, this is not self-beat up. If it is anything it is a further understanding of His grace and mercy. He loves us so deeply and He wants us to love one another and to pray for one another to have the things that are important to HIM! The Lord does want us to come to Him with the cares and burdens of this life, and of course to bring our needs to His throne; however maybe you will also realize upon reflection that like me you have drifted into ineffective prayer.
I would ask you to think about this today, and see if your prayers are in line with those of Paul in Colossians 1:9-15, and Romans 1:9-10, and Ephesians 1:15-16. Make a commitment today to examine those passages and see how well your prayer life matches that of Paul!
I have been reading the book, A Praying Life by Paul Miller. I was able to get it for free on Kindle for PC and I downloaded it without knowing anything about it. From the first page I was hooked by the openness and honesty of the author as he writes about the reality of how prayer "works" for so many of us. This is a very refreshing read about how we communicate with God.
I find prayer to be an exhausting exercise and too often my prayers amount to little more than a list of stuff I want from God. How sad for me and all those like me! Presenting the Lord with a list of prayer requests is not something that "happens" to us, it is something we do as a result of 1) our sinful hearts that focus more on self than God and others, and 2) the cultural influences we accept and begin to live out.
How often I have simply come to God asking Him for this or that, and left out all that is important to Him!
I have another excellent book entitled, All the Prayers of the Bible (Herbert Lockyear)and within its covers are fantastic examples of prayer that honors and edifies God and also brings out the true needs of the believer. They are the prayers of all the OT saints and also the NT saints like Paul, Peter, John and the prayers of Jesus too. If you are looking for some help and direction on how to pray as the heroes of our faith prayed I suggest you check it out.
Paul's prayers include things like asking God that the saints would know Him, desire Him, understand His will, and all this for the purpose of walking through this life in a manner that pleases Him! Ha, more accurately, the NASB says so that we may live lives worthy of Him...Nothing like the way we usually pray...
I also read The Valley of Vision which is a collection of Puritan prayers. These cut my heart to the quick and cause me to examine it every time I read this powerful little book.
How is it that we (I) have strayed so far from His ideals and wandered into our (my) own pasture? How, in spite of all the reading and studying and praying I have done over the years can it be true that I am still such a...failure when it comes to knowing and understanding Him? My heart cries out to know Him, and to live my life in a way that glorifies Him and yet I am still so very far away remembering to pray for all He says in His Word?
Don't misunderstand, this is not self-beat up. If it is anything it is a further understanding of His grace and mercy. He loves us so deeply and He wants us to love one another and to pray for one another to have the things that are important to HIM! The Lord does want us to come to Him with the cares and burdens of this life, and of course to bring our needs to His throne; however maybe you will also realize upon reflection that like me you have drifted into ineffective prayer.
I would ask you to think about this today, and see if your prayers are in line with those of Paul in Colossians 1:9-15, and Romans 1:9-10, and Ephesians 1:15-16. Make a commitment today to examine those passages and see how well your prayer life matches that of Paul!
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Self-Condemnation
How much do you review your failures and sins? Is reminding yourself of how you blew it last time a routine occurrence for you? For many women I know this is a daily part of life. Some of my counselee's who struggle with depression and anxiety begin their day by telling themselves what dismal failures they are. Most are not quite that bad, but truly I find my counselee's seem to want to clobber themselves with their shortcomings.
Does this surprise you? Did you think you were the only one? As long as there has been Satan there has been accusation and this will not cease until Jesus returns to rule the earth. Revelation 12:10 speaks of the accuser of our brethren who accuses us before our God day and night so we know we've a long way to go.
Our self condemnation takes many forms and our enemy really has only 1 purpose in it - and that is to discourage you to the point where you give up and cease to fulfill God's purpose in your life.
Think of the running dialogue in your mind. How often do you hear yourself saying things like,
Those are some of my thoughts and they seem to be the favorites. Satan loves to parade my failures and sin before me. He loves to remind me of the last time I chose to respond sinfully. He wants me to focus on your sin, failure, and your unworthiness, and he wants the same for you!
When we are busy doing ripping on ourselves we become completely ineffective in worship and service to Him. God's purpose and plan for our lives is derailed and until we get our thinking straightened out we are sidelined with self-pity and remorse.
The way we handle those adverse thoughts is with the truth. Remind yourself of the great God you serve, whose purposes for you will be accomplished! Remind yourself that God knew your sins and failures long before time began and because of Christ, He loves you anyway-enough to die for you.
Keep the truth always at the forefront of your minds. He who keeps you will present you blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Does this surprise you? Did you think you were the only one? As long as there has been Satan there has been accusation and this will not cease until Jesus returns to rule the earth. Revelation 12:10 speaks of the accuser of our brethren who accuses us before our God day and night so we know we've a long way to go.
Our self condemnation takes many forms and our enemy really has only 1 purpose in it - and that is to discourage you to the point where you give up and cease to fulfill God's purpose in your life.
Think of the running dialogue in your mind. How often do you hear yourself saying things like,
- "I am such an idiot!"
- "What a loser I am, I will never get this right."
- "How could I be so stupid?"
- "I do the same sin over and over again, I am hopeless."
- "I am a failure as a Christian"
Those are some of my thoughts and they seem to be the favorites. Satan loves to parade my failures and sin before me. He loves to remind me of the last time I chose to respond sinfully. He wants me to focus on your sin, failure, and your unworthiness, and he wants the same for you!
When we are busy doing ripping on ourselves we become completely ineffective in worship and service to Him. God's purpose and plan for our lives is derailed and until we get our thinking straightened out we are sidelined with self-pity and remorse.
The way we handle those adverse thoughts is with the truth. Remind yourself of the great God you serve, whose purposes for you will be accomplished! Remind yourself that God knew your sins and failures long before time began and because of Christ, He loves you anyway-enough to die for you.
Keep the truth always at the forefront of your minds. He who keeps you will present you blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Enjoying the Struggle
If we have been united with him like this in his death, we will certainly also be united with him in his resurrection. For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin-because anyone who has died has been freed from sin. Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God.
In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace. Romans 6:5-14
In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace. Romans 6:5-14
I have been making my way through Romans again, and have come to one of my favorite parts of the letter. Paul reveals to us that the struggle of sin in the heart of the believer is the crux of our problem, because that is what leads us to continue act and think sinfully. I am thankful to also understand that the struggle is also a great blessing.
You must realize that unbelievers do not struggle with their sin. They may struggle with the immediate consequences of their sin (such as what if I get caught) but they do not have the understanding they are offending a holy God.
As Christians, we see sin for what it is, an offense toward God and so we struggle against it. We understand the gospel, we know who we are in Christ, we know what He has done for us and we recognize there is a desire within us to sin anyway!
We are at war with ourselves and we are torn in two directions. We have a choice to follow our new nature or follow the flesh and every decision we make opens up a new battlefield within us. I said previously that this is a blessing, and the reason I stand behind that statement is because it is the evidence of the Spirit of God within us that we even care. Our struggle is evidence of our salvation.
The cry of the person who continues to struggle with sin despite their stated desire to overcome cries out the way Paul did in Romans 7. They question why they cannot overcome when they try so hard to stop yelling at the kids, or swearing, or stealing.
It is so important that we realize that we will never be out of Romans 7 while we live this life.
This brings us again to the cross. It brings us back to what Christ did for us, our right standing in Him, and our inability to do anything to save or fix ourselves. Because of our failures, because of our ongoing struggles with sin we are to go back to the gospel and reckon ourselves dead to the power sin has over our lives.
When Paul uses "therefore" he is saying that because of all that Christ did, because you and I are dead to sin and alive in Christ, because of justification, because of the cross, we are not to let sin have free reign in our lives.
Our lives becomes a response to God, a thank you God for all You have already done for me. It becomes a refusal to live under the lie that I cannot help myself when I sin.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Rise Above
“Whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. Give no offense either to Jews or to Greeks or to the church of God; just as I also please all men in all things, not seeking my own profit but the profit of the many, so that they may be saved. Imitate me, just as I also imitate Christ.” 1 Cor. 10:31- 1 Cor 11:1(NASB)
What circumstances do you find yourself in today? Regardless of what they are I want you to know that you can experience contentment and joy as you learn to live above life’s circumstances.
These days it seems that everyone has heartaches and trials. Some have lost jobs, and some have lost homes. Many who have jobs and homes experience internal strife in the form of fractured relationships. Life is not easy for anyone I know, and when the suffering is prolonged people tend to become discouraged and even experience feelings of depression.
I want you to know that as a Believer, you can rise above your circumstances and your feelings and live a joyful and content life. I am not just giving you happy words with no substance, Jesus would not do that and I will not either. Please understand that as you change your focus from self to God and His glory your entire outlook will change.
Take a moment and picture a heart that is focused on "self" and the thoughts, beliefs, and desires of the heart that might result from a self-focus. I would expect those thoughts would be depressive, self-defeating, selfish, negative, and perhaps even self-pitying.
Now I would ask you to picture another heart- this one with God and His glory in the center of it.
“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” Phil 4:13
This means you can be joyful, you can imitate Christ, you can move beyond the problem focus the world tries so hard to cause to overflow into your life. Just as Paul did, we can trust the promises of God, and we can do it in the power and strength of Christ. Like Paul, we can learn to rely on Christ’s promises.
“He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man” Eph. 3:16.
The promise comes from Him, the strength and power to succeed come from Him, and all of this is for glory to go back to Him. Contentment flows out of this kind of heart out of these attitudes of the heart and the glory goes back to God.
What circumstances do you find yourself in today? Regardless of what they are I want you to know that you can experience contentment and joy as you learn to live above life’s circumstances.
These days it seems that everyone has heartaches and trials. Some have lost jobs, and some have lost homes. Many who have jobs and homes experience internal strife in the form of fractured relationships. Life is not easy for anyone I know, and when the suffering is prolonged people tend to become discouraged and even experience feelings of depression.
I want you to know that as a Believer, you can rise above your circumstances and your feelings and live a joyful and content life. I am not just giving you happy words with no substance, Jesus would not do that and I will not either. Please understand that as you change your focus from self to God and His glory your entire outlook will change.
Take a moment and picture a heart that is focused on "self" and the thoughts, beliefs, and desires of the heart that might result from a self-focus. I would expect those thoughts would be depressive, self-defeating, selfish, negative, and perhaps even self-pitying.
Now I would ask you to picture another heart- this one with God and His glory in the center of it.
Thoughts from a heart that is focused on God and His glory would be something like: trust, confidence, faith, long suffering, patience, kindness, love, selfless and probably many more things. The actions that would result from these thoughts might look like: joy, peace, grace, mercy, patience, confidence… contentment.
You see, the heart that makes its goal the glorification of God is going to manifest these things, it is going to be able to rise above the circumstances and not focus on the circumstances of life. This woman will make it her goal to please Him.
There is of course no way we can do this on our own power- we must rely on God. We only need to have a willing heart, and God promises to equip us to do the rest!
There is of course no way we can do this on our own power- we must rely on God. We only need to have a willing heart, and God promises to equip us to do the rest!
“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” Phil 4:13
This means you can be joyful, you can imitate Christ, you can move beyond the problem focus the world tries so hard to cause to overflow into your life. Just as Paul did, we can trust the promises of God, and we can do it in the power and strength of Christ. Like Paul, we can learn to rely on Christ’s promises.
“He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man” Eph. 3:16.
The promise comes from Him, the strength and power to succeed come from Him, and all of this is for glory to go back to Him. Contentment flows out of this kind of heart out of these attitudes of the heart and the glory goes back to God.
Even in the midst of the trials and problems of these days we can find refuge for our souls- we can find the joy and peace we long for. We can and will find it in hearts that are satisfied in Him and Him alone.
Monday, May 16, 2011
In Everything Give Thanks
...in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thes. 5:18
One thing that is missing in times of trouble is an attitude of gratitude. It is far easier to grumble and complain about all we do not have in this troubled economy. It is so easy to slip into our ungrateful selves and forget all that we have been blessed with.
Becoming angry and bitter is an easy trap to fall into and I can assure you that you will find yourself there if you do not practice gratitude.
always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, Eph. 5:20
Paul's exhortation to give thanks does not only apply to the good and happy times in life. It is challenging but doable to be thankful when the chips are down and the days bring trials and heartache. I know it is much easier to see things through eyes of hopelessness.
I want to encourage you today to make a concerted effort to go through your day and thank God for the simple things. Living where we do I see constant reminders of the pioneers who came through this area on their way west. Their lives were incredibly hard and yet as I read about them I can see they were thankful for things each day brought their way. There are times I have to practice gratitude and hearing the gentle birdsong of the Cardinal at the feeder off the deck, and watching the beautiful Finches and Orioles that flit and twitter all day long are two simple things for which I am thankful.
As hard as things may seem, we have a God who is faithful and true. He promises to take care of us, and provide for our basic needs. There are always things to be thankful for...we just have to be willing to look for them.
One thing that is missing in times of trouble is an attitude of gratitude. It is far easier to grumble and complain about all we do not have in this troubled economy. It is so easy to slip into our ungrateful selves and forget all that we have been blessed with.
Becoming angry and bitter is an easy trap to fall into and I can assure you that you will find yourself there if you do not practice gratitude.
always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, Eph. 5:20
Paul's exhortation to give thanks does not only apply to the good and happy times in life. It is challenging but doable to be thankful when the chips are down and the days bring trials and heartache. I know it is much easier to see things through eyes of hopelessness.
I want to encourage you today to make a concerted effort to go through your day and thank God for the simple things. Living where we do I see constant reminders of the pioneers who came through this area on their way west. Their lives were incredibly hard and yet as I read about them I can see they were thankful for things each day brought their way. There are times I have to practice gratitude and hearing the gentle birdsong of the Cardinal at the feeder off the deck, and watching the beautiful Finches and Orioles that flit and twitter all day long are two simple things for which I am thankful.
As hard as things may seem, we have a God who is faithful and true. He promises to take care of us, and provide for our basic needs. There are always things to be thankful for...we just have to be willing to look for them.
Friday, May 13, 2011
For the Bride and Groom
"My beloved is mine, and I am his; He pastures his flock among the lilies." Song of Solomon 2:16 (NASB)
Tomorrow our second son celebrates his marriage. In a world where marriage partners are changed like socks, I thought I would post some wise counsel for all those about to be married in the hopes they will remain married for ever. Our marriage has been envied over the years by people whose unions are not so joyous. We are often asked, "How do you do it?" I thought I would share with you the secret to our success today.
Be prepared- Marriage is a lot of work! Be prepared to put a lot of time and effort into making it a good one, because it won't "just happen." Remember, you are two sinners living under the same roof with all your own idiosyncrasies and personalities. There are times much grace is needed and times you will have to make heroic efforts to protect and preserve it. You will need to learn each other inside and out. This takes dedication and effort on each person's part.
Be transparent- A relationship that is shrouded in secrecy is not a relationship at all. We have no secrets, we tell each other every thing and I do mean every thing. We know each others massive screw ups of the past, thoughts, hopes, aspirations and idiosyncrasies. If one is sad or angry or fearful we tell the other.
Be honest- We don't lie to each other. Not even little lies. We don't omit the truth or tell parts of truth because that would destroy our trust. We love each other enough to say that something is wrong, ungodly, foolish or hurtful.
We are honest with our finances too. We don't spend money without the others knowledge, and when I mess up the bank account I tell him where I went wrong. My husband suggested I add to this post- we have a unified budget. We do not have his money and her money. What is his is mine and what is mine is his and it is all in the same bank account. We have seen the destruction caused by these separations in marriages.
Respect each other- There are ways of saying things that are true and hurtful and then there are ways of saying the same things that are true and kind. Respecting each other means that we think of how what we will say will be heard by the other.
We respect each others time, space and property. Everyone desires a little space or time alone occasionally and we give it willingly to each other.
Pray for each other. We come before the Lord and offer prayer for the sake of each other daily. We know each others cares and concerns, hopes and dreams and we bring them to God individually each day. At night before we close our eyes we pray together for our children and friends and our church.
Be romantic- We are forever nauseatingly romantic- We simply love to mush on each other. Our conversations are sprinkled with compliments, and "love you's." We have a secret code to tell each other we love one another while we are in public. We touch often, holding hands or putting arms around each other. We sit next to one another and touch all the time. We love to love on each other.
Be each others best friends. We certainly are! When we depart in the morning to our separate work spaces the over-riding desire is to return to one another as fast as we can. I believe we have become "one" in every sense of the word (Gen2). As is God's design, you cannot tell where one of us begins and the other ends.
We love to please each other. We practice the one-anothers of Scripture daily, putting each others preferences and desires ahead of our own, considering one another out of reverence for Christ (Phil 2).
We do not allow worldly influences in our bedroom. It is our sanctuary from the world and our place of rest. Our marriage bed is undefiled by pornography and sexual immorality.
We have fun together- actually, we make normal things of life fun when we can. If you were to follow us around you would see we act silly and say silly things to each other. We like to laugh and enjoy each others company. Our fun has not and does not come from spending money doing things, we just make normal things fun to do. We enjoy being together so much that shopping and driving around are a delight.
I kept this one for last, but by no means least- Jesus Christ is the center of our marriage. We desire to glorify Him through our marriage and so it makes all this stuff easy! It is not as much about us as it is about Him. While we fail and sin against each other from time to time there is always quick reconciliation. In fact, in all the years we have been together I can count on one hand the times we have had "a fight."
Our hope and prayer is that each of our children will have such a wonderful marriage. We have endeavored to provide a good example for them in hopes they will only make one trip down the aisle to their beloved. We pray the same for you.
Tomorrow our second son celebrates his marriage. In a world where marriage partners are changed like socks, I thought I would post some wise counsel for all those about to be married in the hopes they will remain married for ever. Our marriage has been envied over the years by people whose unions are not so joyous. We are often asked, "How do you do it?" I thought I would share with you the secret to our success today.
Be prepared- Marriage is a lot of work! Be prepared to put a lot of time and effort into making it a good one, because it won't "just happen." Remember, you are two sinners living under the same roof with all your own idiosyncrasies and personalities. There are times much grace is needed and times you will have to make heroic efforts to protect and preserve it. You will need to learn each other inside and out. This takes dedication and effort on each person's part.
Be transparent- A relationship that is shrouded in secrecy is not a relationship at all. We have no secrets, we tell each other every thing and I do mean every thing. We know each others massive screw ups of the past, thoughts, hopes, aspirations and idiosyncrasies. If one is sad or angry or fearful we tell the other.
Be honest- We don't lie to each other. Not even little lies. We don't omit the truth or tell parts of truth because that would destroy our trust. We love each other enough to say that something is wrong, ungodly, foolish or hurtful.
We are honest with our finances too. We don't spend money without the others knowledge, and when I mess up the bank account I tell him where I went wrong. My husband suggested I add to this post- we have a unified budget. We do not have his money and her money. What is his is mine and what is mine is his and it is all in the same bank account. We have seen the destruction caused by these separations in marriages.
Respect each other- There are ways of saying things that are true and hurtful and then there are ways of saying the same things that are true and kind. Respecting each other means that we think of how what we will say will be heard by the other.
We respect each others time, space and property. Everyone desires a little space or time alone occasionally and we give it willingly to each other.
Pray for each other. We come before the Lord and offer prayer for the sake of each other daily. We know each others cares and concerns, hopes and dreams and we bring them to God individually each day. At night before we close our eyes we pray together for our children and friends and our church.
Be romantic- We are forever nauseatingly romantic- We simply love to mush on each other. Our conversations are sprinkled with compliments, and "love you's." We have a secret code to tell each other we love one another while we are in public. We touch often, holding hands or putting arms around each other. We sit next to one another and touch all the time. We love to love on each other.
Be each others best friends. We certainly are! When we depart in the morning to our separate work spaces the over-riding desire is to return to one another as fast as we can. I believe we have become "one" in every sense of the word (Gen2). As is God's design, you cannot tell where one of us begins and the other ends.
We love to please each other. We practice the one-anothers of Scripture daily, putting each others preferences and desires ahead of our own, considering one another out of reverence for Christ (Phil 2).
We do not allow worldly influences in our bedroom. It is our sanctuary from the world and our place of rest. Our marriage bed is undefiled by pornography and sexual immorality.
We have fun together- actually, we make normal things of life fun when we can. If you were to follow us around you would see we act silly and say silly things to each other. We like to laugh and enjoy each others company. Our fun has not and does not come from spending money doing things, we just make normal things fun to do. We enjoy being together so much that shopping and driving around are a delight.
I kept this one for last, but by no means least- Jesus Christ is the center of our marriage. We desire to glorify Him through our marriage and so it makes all this stuff easy! It is not as much about us as it is about Him. While we fail and sin against each other from time to time there is always quick reconciliation. In fact, in all the years we have been together I can count on one hand the times we have had "a fight."
Our hope and prayer is that each of our children will have such a wonderful marriage. We have endeavored to provide a good example for them in hopes they will only make one trip down the aisle to their beloved. We pray the same for you.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Speak Not A Word
Then they sat down on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights with no one speaking a word to him, for they saw that his pain was very great. Job 2:13 (NASB)
As a teacher and counselor people come to me with burdens and woes of life. It can be as serious as an impending divorce, a prodigal child, or a diagnosis of cancer. There are times when there are no words that can be spoken, for the gravity of the situation goes beyond our language. In those times we fumble around, thinking we ought to say something...we reach into our Bible bag and mentally search for the perfect verse to comfort or console. We try to offer hope for a positive outcome or a better tomorrow for the one who suffers and when we put forth our effort it seems to fall flat. The eyes of the wounded one gaze upon us, filled with anguish and we wish we would have remained silent.
Take a lesson from Job's three friends- at least at the beginning of their visit with Job. They all came to comfort him and console him in his time of need and when they arrived all they could do was to sit down around him in silence and simply be there. It would have been better for all concerned had those three men continued with that type of consolation if you ask me. It was when they opened their mouths that they went from consoling to tormenting!
I think we can take a cue from the three friends of Job, and learn that sometimes the best comfort we can be to a hurting person is to simply be a physical presence in the room with them for a while. Silence can be a great comfort to a person whose life has been rocked by tragedy or pain. Words are not always needed, and certainly "dispensing" Bible verses like m&m's is not needed either.
In the above verse the expression, "his pain was very great" actually means that it was increasing as time went on. The pain and misery increased hour by hour, day by day. All Job's friends could do was to sit there in horror as they watched him grow more wretched in front of their eyes.
While the people we comfort have the benefit of medicine like morphine if they are in physical pain from cancer or another ailment, it does not always completely remove the discomfort. At times they are left with significant pain levels, and all their loved ones can do is watch them suffer. We don't think of offering Bible verses to them at that time, or telling them "It's going to be alright" we sit buy them and hope our presence brings them comfort, knowing they are not alone.
There are some pains there is no medicine for. The heartache of an abandonment, the parents whose child is wayward, the loss of everything material due to financial ruin, the fear of being alone, being unwanted in your old age... what comfort can we bring to these people whose pain will only increase in the coming days and weeks and maybe months and years?
We can bring them ourselves. We can sit beside them and hold their hand, we can listen to them pour their hearts out to us- without response. Not to indulge self-pity but to comfort in silence. Often people in such a state are not even aware of what they are thinking or saying, they are simply spewing thoughts and random memories. This phase will pass and there will come a time for you to give input into their situation and possibly into their life in an ongoing basis. But you must bide your time for such things. Before you earn the right to speak into their life you must be a good listener and comforter in silence.
As a teacher and counselor people come to me with burdens and woes of life. It can be as serious as an impending divorce, a prodigal child, or a diagnosis of cancer. There are times when there are no words that can be spoken, for the gravity of the situation goes beyond our language. In those times we fumble around, thinking we ought to say something...we reach into our Bible bag and mentally search for the perfect verse to comfort or console. We try to offer hope for a positive outcome or a better tomorrow for the one who suffers and when we put forth our effort it seems to fall flat. The eyes of the wounded one gaze upon us, filled with anguish and we wish we would have remained silent.
Take a lesson from Job's three friends- at least at the beginning of their visit with Job. They all came to comfort him and console him in his time of need and when they arrived all they could do was to sit down around him in silence and simply be there. It would have been better for all concerned had those three men continued with that type of consolation if you ask me. It was when they opened their mouths that they went from consoling to tormenting!
I think we can take a cue from the three friends of Job, and learn that sometimes the best comfort we can be to a hurting person is to simply be a physical presence in the room with them for a while. Silence can be a great comfort to a person whose life has been rocked by tragedy or pain. Words are not always needed, and certainly "dispensing" Bible verses like m&m's is not needed either.
In the above verse the expression, "his pain was very great" actually means that it was increasing as time went on. The pain and misery increased hour by hour, day by day. All Job's friends could do was to sit there in horror as they watched him grow more wretched in front of their eyes.
While the people we comfort have the benefit of medicine like morphine if they are in physical pain from cancer or another ailment, it does not always completely remove the discomfort. At times they are left with significant pain levels, and all their loved ones can do is watch them suffer. We don't think of offering Bible verses to them at that time, or telling them "It's going to be alright" we sit buy them and hope our presence brings them comfort, knowing they are not alone.
There are some pains there is no medicine for. The heartache of an abandonment, the parents whose child is wayward, the loss of everything material due to financial ruin, the fear of being alone, being unwanted in your old age... what comfort can we bring to these people whose pain will only increase in the coming days and weeks and maybe months and years?
We can bring them ourselves. We can sit beside them and hold their hand, we can listen to them pour their hearts out to us- without response. Not to indulge self-pity but to comfort in silence. Often people in such a state are not even aware of what they are thinking or saying, they are simply spewing thoughts and random memories. This phase will pass and there will come a time for you to give input into their situation and possibly into their life in an ongoing basis. But you must bide your time for such things. Before you earn the right to speak into their life you must be a good listener and comforter in silence.
Reckon Yourself...
...so also ye, reckon yourselves to be dead indeed to the sin, and living to God in Jesus Christ our Lord. Let not then the sin reign in your mortal body, to obey it in its desires; neither present ye your members instruments of unrighteousness to the sin, but present yourselves to God as living out of the dead, and your members instruments of righteousness to God; for sin over you shall not have lordship, for ye are not under law, but under grace. Romans 6:11-14 (Young’s Literal Translation of the Bible)
I have been reading and studying through Romans and today I was thinking about how the above passage applies to biblical counseling as I studied through the it in the Greek.
To "reckon yourself dead to sin" means that as Christians we are to to conclude or count on the reality that we are dead to the sin that once enslaved us. Perhaps a better way of saying it is that the sin is dead to us. This would look like the sin having no impact or effect on us in any way, shape, or form. It is dead in every respect. Scripture says that this truth is self-evident to the Believer.
Our counselee's certainly don't live that way, do they? So many of them appear to be (and are) in bondage to some sin or another and despite their best efforts they have been unable to escape its clutches. What is the reason for their ongoing slavery to sin that Scripture proclaims as "dead?"
One important piece of the puzzle is the willingness of the counselee to continue participating in the sin. This same passage makes it clear that the responsibility of the Believer is to live as though the truth is true. They have been enabled to do so through Jesus Christ therefore they are commanded not to let sin rule or dominate them.
What the counselee needs to learn or understand is that the reason they continue to sin is because they continue to permit themselves to sin. As I gather data from them I often learn that they are giving themselves over to sinful thoughts, beliefs, and desires and these are what feed the flesh and lead to the sinful actions they bring to the counseling table.
This is what the Scriptures mean when they say, "do not go on presenting the members of your body to sin as instruments of unrighteousness;" (Romans 6:13). Our counselee's must understand that the sin that brings them to counseling is a result of obeying the wrong master. In fact, they are obeying a master who no longer has any righteous say so over their activities, because that master is dead.
For a counselee who has not been taught this truth this will be a quite a revelation! Unfortunately, many churches support the disease model of counseling or send their sheep to a secular counselor where the person will be told their behavior is a disorder or an addiction they have no control over or responsibility for. Many are also told from the pulpit that it is impossible for us not to sin, totally denying the reality of the victory over sin that is ours in Christ.
Am I teaching sinless perfection? No. I understand that we will not be perfected until we enter into glory. However, I cannot deny what the Word of God teaches, and there is clear teaching here that states that we are to offer our bodies as instruments of righteousness instead of sin. When the counselee learns the importance and possibility of heart change on the heels of the previous truths, they are greatly encouraged and believe there is hope for them after all! I would encourage you to share this with a struggling counselee at your next opportunity.
I have been reading and studying through Romans and today I was thinking about how the above passage applies to biblical counseling as I studied through the it in the Greek.
To "reckon yourself dead to sin" means that as Christians we are to to conclude or count on the reality that we are dead to the sin that once enslaved us. Perhaps a better way of saying it is that the sin is dead to us. This would look like the sin having no impact or effect on us in any way, shape, or form. It is dead in every respect. Scripture says that this truth is self-evident to the Believer.
Our counselee's certainly don't live that way, do they? So many of them appear to be (and are) in bondage to some sin or another and despite their best efforts they have been unable to escape its clutches. What is the reason for their ongoing slavery to sin that Scripture proclaims as "dead?"
One important piece of the puzzle is the willingness of the counselee to continue participating in the sin. This same passage makes it clear that the responsibility of the Believer is to live as though the truth is true. They have been enabled to do so through Jesus Christ therefore they are commanded not to let sin rule or dominate them.
What the counselee needs to learn or understand is that the reason they continue to sin is because they continue to permit themselves to sin. As I gather data from them I often learn that they are giving themselves over to sinful thoughts, beliefs, and desires and these are what feed the flesh and lead to the sinful actions they bring to the counseling table.
This is what the Scriptures mean when they say, "do not go on presenting the members of your body to sin as instruments of unrighteousness;" (Romans 6:13). Our counselee's must understand that the sin that brings them to counseling is a result of obeying the wrong master. In fact, they are obeying a master who no longer has any righteous say so over their activities, because that master is dead.
For a counselee who has not been taught this truth this will be a quite a revelation! Unfortunately, many churches support the disease model of counseling or send their sheep to a secular counselor where the person will be told their behavior is a disorder or an addiction they have no control over or responsibility for. Many are also told from the pulpit that it is impossible for us not to sin, totally denying the reality of the victory over sin that is ours in Christ.
Am I teaching sinless perfection? No. I understand that we will not be perfected until we enter into glory. However, I cannot deny what the Word of God teaches, and there is clear teaching here that states that we are to offer our bodies as instruments of righteousness instead of sin. When the counselee learns the importance and possibility of heart change on the heels of the previous truths, they are greatly encouraged and believe there is hope for them after all! I would encourage you to share this with a struggling counselee at your next opportunity.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Summer's Coming....
Here we go again! Summertime is just around the corner and this means it is time for the annual blog posting on women and modesty.
Unfortunately, in the past year culture has continued to promote the sexualization of women from ages 9 to 69. Clothing choices have become even more immodest and reveal much more about the wearer than the style they prefer. Mother's, what I have to say may be hard to hear but it is very necessary. Your clothing style is a large influence on your daughter and if you are immodest in your selections they will be more so. YOU are to have the final word in her clothing choices, and if you allow her to choose things that are immodest or provocative in the name of fashion you are abdicating your responsibility to raise her in the fear and admonition of the Lord.
Women have a responsibility to dress in a manner that is not publicly provocative. Ladies, contrary to what you may have been taught, it is not all about you! It is true that every man is responsible for his own actions and it is never alright for a man to press unwanted advances on a woman. "No" means no- period. Keeping that in mind, there are plenty of woman who say "No" with their mouths, but say "Yes" with their clothing.
Your clothing choices reveal a lot more than your skin. You are sending non-verbal messages about your character. You are communicating what you think about yourself and ultimately you are revealing a prideful or lustful heart.
When a woman wears a very short tight skirt, and a see though skimpy top out for the evening with friends what sort of signal is she giving off? Is she saying with her clothing, "I am a chaste, Christian woman?" Is she saying, "Leave me alone, I don't want male attention?" Hardly. Women who dress provocatively are intentional in their choices. They are certainly not putting forth the impression that they are godly women looking for godly men.
Having 3 sons I can tell you that is not what men think when they see a young woman dressed that way. When a woman is scantily dressed she is saying, "Look at me, I am hot." She is seeking the eyes of men and no one can convince me otherwise. Every woman knows that men are excited by the visual. That is why pornography is popular with men. They like to see sexual things because it excites them. When they see women in public dressed in a provocative manner, they become interested and aroused by what they see!
Contrary to what you may think, women do not have a "right" to dress any way they please! We are responsible for the sexual desires we incite by our clothing, our actions, and our words. When we encourage desires we can not righteously fulfill in a marriage relationship, we are defrauding those men. We are offering something we cannot rightly give them.
Your clothing choices reveal a lot more than your skin. You are sending non-verbal messages about your character. You are communicating what you think about yourself and ultimately you are revealing a prideful or lustful heart.
Your clothes are a revelation of what is going on inside, in the inner man, what the Bible refers to as the heart.
- God looks at the heart. 1 Sam. 16:7
But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at the height of his stature, because I have rejected him; for God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”
This means that what goes on inside is what God is most concerned with. The world promotes the idea that a person who is dressed in the latest fashion has an edge of some kind, they are "with it" and "in vogue." People who think that way consider themselves somehow superior to the person who is dressed in modest less-revealing clothes.
Please understand, what a person wears can be a reflection of their spiritual life and condition. In fact the less polished person may be a spiritual giant and be living a life of sacrifice for the sake of others (James 2:1-5). The scantily clad woman is revealing much about her heart.
- Clothing reveals something about the person including character. Deut. 22:5; Jer. 52:33; Matt. 22:11; Pro. 31:21-22; Rev. 17:4
And behold, a woman comes to meet him, Dressed as a harlot and cunning of heart. Proverbs 7:10 (NASB)
“You took some of your clothes, made for yourself high places of various colors and played the harlot on them, which should never come about nor happen. “You also took your beautiful jewels made of My gold and of My silver, which I had given you, and made for yourself male images that you might play the harlot with them. “Then you took your embroidered cloth and covered them, and offered My oil and My incense before them. Ezekiel 16:16-18 (NASB)
Monday, May 9, 2011
A Strong Tower
The name of the LORD is a strong tower; The righteous runs into it and is safe. Proverbs 18:10 (NASB)
Like most Americans, I have followed the news coverage surrounding the death of Usama Bin Laden with great interest. One of the things that I found interesting was the information about the compound where he has apparently been living for the past several years (if the reports are accurate). The house is surrounded by enormously high and thick brick and mortar walls, and appears to be impenetrable to anyone not having special equipment.
My understanding is that a man reported to be Bin Laden was occasionally seen wandering around inside the walls of the compound and was not surrounded by body-guards when he was found by the American forces. He apparently felt safe, and believed he was very safe inside those walls; perhaps he thought he was untouchable.
In Judges 9:51 we read about the strong tower in the center of the city that all the people went to for safety and protection. This was a common strategy during times of war and trouble and everyone knew that if they were inside the walls of the city they were safe from the invaders.
Scripture tells us that God is our strong tower, and unlike the fortresses made by human hands, the refuge of the Lord is impenetrable. Nothing can get inside the walls and harm us unless the Keeper allows it to.
“My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me; and I give eternal life to them, and they will never perish; and no one will snatch them out of My hand. My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all; and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand. John 10:28-29 (NASB)
I am so thankful for God's faithfulness to His children! Do you understand that God is completely trustworthy to protect our precious faith? Even when your circumstances tempt you to believe that everything is in grave danger your eternity is safe, held secure in Christ.
I will say to the LORD, “My refuge and my fortress, My God, in whom I trust!” Psalm 91:2 (NASB)
There are times God sovereignly allows adversity to enter our lives for the specific reason of drawing us to Himself. He has given us the Bible to read and study to prepare us for times of tribulation. What a blessing that His Word is available to us any hour of the day or night- in print and even on the internet! Within its covers we find books and letters of love from our heavenly Father that are written to teach us, encourage us, correct us, and train us in righteousness (2 Timothy 3:16). We can find incredible consolation and comfort as we read the Psalms and stories of the heroes of our faith. His Word is a strong tower to a frightened and confused soul. God's wisdom and power are there for the Believer to draw from as we struggle and suffer.
In your times of need where do you run? Is it to drugs? Do you run shopping in an attempt to drown fear and panic? Is it your pattern to medicate yourself with created things? Where is your hiding place? Is it in a bar, or in a bottle? Are you seeking comfort in an illicit relationship or in food? Or do you trust that God will go before you and behind you as you journey through your trial? Do you believe that God is bigger than your problems?
If you answer "Yes" to any of the above questions, you must realize that your actions are revealing what you believe. Are your actions belying your words? Is what you do the opposite of what you say you embrace? Where are you running and who are you running to? A time of self-examination may be in order if you see a conflict in your life. Don't wait, begin this process today!
Like most Americans, I have followed the news coverage surrounding the death of Usama Bin Laden with great interest. One of the things that I found interesting was the information about the compound where he has apparently been living for the past several years (if the reports are accurate). The house is surrounded by enormously high and thick brick and mortar walls, and appears to be impenetrable to anyone not having special equipment.
My understanding is that a man reported to be Bin Laden was occasionally seen wandering around inside the walls of the compound and was not surrounded by body-guards when he was found by the American forces. He apparently felt safe, and believed he was very safe inside those walls; perhaps he thought he was untouchable.
In Judges 9:51 we read about the strong tower in the center of the city that all the people went to for safety and protection. This was a common strategy during times of war and trouble and everyone knew that if they were inside the walls of the city they were safe from the invaders.
Scripture tells us that God is our strong tower, and unlike the fortresses made by human hands, the refuge of the Lord is impenetrable. Nothing can get inside the walls and harm us unless the Keeper allows it to.
“My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me; and I give eternal life to them, and they will never perish; and no one will snatch them out of My hand. My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all; and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand. John 10:28-29 (NASB)
I am so thankful for God's faithfulness to His children! Do you understand that God is completely trustworthy to protect our precious faith? Even when your circumstances tempt you to believe that everything is in grave danger your eternity is safe, held secure in Christ.
I will say to the LORD, “My refuge and my fortress, My God, in whom I trust!” Psalm 91:2 (NASB)
There are times God sovereignly allows adversity to enter our lives for the specific reason of drawing us to Himself. He has given us the Bible to read and study to prepare us for times of tribulation. What a blessing that His Word is available to us any hour of the day or night- in print and even on the internet! Within its covers we find books and letters of love from our heavenly Father that are written to teach us, encourage us, correct us, and train us in righteousness (2 Timothy 3:16). We can find incredible consolation and comfort as we read the Psalms and stories of the heroes of our faith. His Word is a strong tower to a frightened and confused soul. God's wisdom and power are there for the Believer to draw from as we struggle and suffer.
In your times of need where do you run? Is it to drugs? Do you run shopping in an attempt to drown fear and panic? Is it your pattern to medicate yourself with created things? Where is your hiding place? Is it in a bar, or in a bottle? Are you seeking comfort in an illicit relationship or in food? Or do you trust that God will go before you and behind you as you journey through your trial? Do you believe that God is bigger than your problems?
If you answer "Yes" to any of the above questions, you must realize that your actions are revealing what you believe. Are your actions belying your words? Is what you do the opposite of what you say you embrace? Where are you running and who are you running to? A time of self-examination may be in order if you see a conflict in your life. Don't wait, begin this process today!
Friday, May 6, 2011
Loving Mom
Sunday is Mother's Day. I have not "celebrated" this day since 2008 because on January 13, 2009 my Mom went to be with the Lord. Yes, I have my own children and they do not fail to honor me on this day. However,even after being without her for these past few years I struggle with this day being about me and not me honoring my Mom.
I was (with my Dad) the primary care giver during my Mom's last few years of life. The following post is what I wrote on the day she went into eternity with Jesus. I am re-posting it as a Mother's Day Tribute to her. I urge you to love on your Mom if you have one, for those of us who no longer do.
Loving Mom~
My desire in all this from the beginning was to glorify God in caring for and ministering to my mom. I made her certain promises along the way, and by God's grace I kept every one. I already miss her, but I have been missing her for a long time already. What was left of her in the end was not at all who my mom "is" but just remnants of her. In spite of the misery she experienced daily living with emphysema and COPD and arthritis, occasionally we would be treated to a little of the old mom. She would pop off a one liner that really cracked us up! My mom had the greatest sense of humor!
My mom taught me how to be a wife and a mom, and I think that is her lasting legacy in my life. It was because of what I saw in her that I really only ever wanted to be a wife and mother rather then pursue college or a career. I watched how much she absolutely loved everything about both of those things and it made me want what she had.
Mom loved to cook and bake and clean the house. She loved and excelled at the tasks many women frowned on. To her they were not drudgery, they were love. She fussed over the details of meals, making sure all the colors were on the plate. She loved to make the food look nice on the plate. When it was time to plan the Christmas or Easter meals, she would plan out every detail. She had a pile of cookbooks and would pour over them looking for ideas.
She loved gadgets and had just about every one there was. Not many people can boast they have an electric potato peeler! Sometimes she would buy something for the kitchen just because it was cute!
My mom was sacrificial. I remember her buying something for me that I only wanted and forgoing something for herself that she may have needed. Many people have commented on how we have cared for our parents during mom's illness, and this too is a testimony to things that were instilled in us.
My mom was one of my best friends. She and I just hung out together. We enjoyed many of the same things and until the past few years we spent many hours a week together. We made Christmas ornaments, cookies, painted things, shopped together and ate at our favorite Red Lobster whenever we could.
She is a part of me, in more ways than the usual mother-daughter relationship. I valued her opinion and perspective and I learned so much from her. Her influence in my life cannot be overstated nor can it be replaced.
I will miss you Mom...as I told you (today) as you were taking your final breaths, for you and me this is not "goodbye" it is "see ya later." Because you chose to trust Christ as your Savior we will meet again in His presence one day.
Tonight as I write this, you have been with Him for 12 whole hours. The first 12 of eternity! I know you know now that I was right about all I taught you from the Bible about salvation. That brings me more joy than you can understand! It makes the loss of your presence more bearable to me.
My kids tell me all the time that I am the best mom ever...if that is the case, it is because I learned it from you, the best mom ever.
Your loving daughter,
Julie
I was (with my Dad) the primary care giver during my Mom's last few years of life. The following post is what I wrote on the day she went into eternity with Jesus. I am re-posting it as a Mother's Day Tribute to her. I urge you to love on your Mom if you have one, for those of us who no longer do.
Loving Mom~
My desire in all this from the beginning was to glorify God in caring for and ministering to my mom. I made her certain promises along the way, and by God's grace I kept every one. I already miss her, but I have been missing her for a long time already. What was left of her in the end was not at all who my mom "is" but just remnants of her. In spite of the misery she experienced daily living with emphysema and COPD and arthritis, occasionally we would be treated to a little of the old mom. She would pop off a one liner that really cracked us up! My mom had the greatest sense of humor!
My mom taught me how to be a wife and a mom, and I think that is her lasting legacy in my life. It was because of what I saw in her that I really only ever wanted to be a wife and mother rather then pursue college or a career. I watched how much she absolutely loved everything about both of those things and it made me want what she had.
Mom loved to cook and bake and clean the house. She loved and excelled at the tasks many women frowned on. To her they were not drudgery, they were love. She fussed over the details of meals, making sure all the colors were on the plate. She loved to make the food look nice on the plate. When it was time to plan the Christmas or Easter meals, she would plan out every detail. She had a pile of cookbooks and would pour over them looking for ideas.
She loved gadgets and had just about every one there was. Not many people can boast they have an electric potato peeler! Sometimes she would buy something for the kitchen just because it was cute!
My mom was sacrificial. I remember her buying something for me that I only wanted and forgoing something for herself that she may have needed. Many people have commented on how we have cared for our parents during mom's illness, and this too is a testimony to things that were instilled in us.
My mom was one of my best friends. She and I just hung out together. We enjoyed many of the same things and until the past few years we spent many hours a week together. We made Christmas ornaments, cookies, painted things, shopped together and ate at our favorite Red Lobster whenever we could.
She is a part of me, in more ways than the usual mother-daughter relationship. I valued her opinion and perspective and I learned so much from her. Her influence in my life cannot be overstated nor can it be replaced.
I will miss you Mom...as I told you (today) as you were taking your final breaths, for you and me this is not "goodbye" it is "see ya later." Because you chose to trust Christ as your Savior we will meet again in His presence one day.
Tonight as I write this, you have been with Him for 12 whole hours. The first 12 of eternity! I know you know now that I was right about all I taught you from the Bible about salvation. That brings me more joy than you can understand! It makes the loss of your presence more bearable to me.
My kids tell me all the time that I am the best mom ever...if that is the case, it is because I learned it from you, the best mom ever.
Your loving daughter,
Julie
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Are You A Woman Who Talks Too Much?
Yesterday I began this mini-series on women who talk too much.
A woman who talks too much is not living out Phil. 2. She is not considering others as more important than herself. It reveals a heart of selfishness.
A woman who talks too much is not living out Phil. 2. She is not considering others as more important than herself. It reveals a heart of selfishness.
Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; Philippians 2:3 (NASB)
A woman who talks too much is most likely not a submissive wife either. She may believe her opinion is more important than her husband's, or anyone else's.
There are ways to express an opinion and to tell someone what your perspective is on a situation. However, often women who talk too much are unable to keep it to a suggestion. When her opinion is not agreed to it becomes a battle with barrage of words to convince others her way is right or best.
If you are a woman who talks too much and you see yourself here in this posting, begin to change this life dominating sinful pattern by asking God to help you to see your heart. David prayed that God would "see if there is any wicked way in me" (Psalm 139) and this ought to be your prayer too.
As God reveals your sinful heart to you, repent and confess to your husband or accountability partner what you have learned about yourself. Ask forgiveness of those you have wronged or offended by your non-stop chatter, and thank God for His forgiveness as well.
Keep a little journal of the times you are tempted to sin with your speech and every day or so, go back and look at those entries. Determine what you were thinking, believing, and desiring in your heart at that time.
Make a biblical plan to change, first by having your mind renewed by the Word of God (Rom. 12:2) with prayer, and then by making practical plans for when you are tempted to sin this way, as you will certainly be. When you fail, promptly confess it and examine where you went wrong and plan how you will respond differently next time. Sinful patterns can be overcome through mind renewal and a biblical plan for change.
Make a biblical plan to change, first by having your mind renewed by the Word of God (Rom. 12:2) with prayer, and then by making practical plans for when you are tempted to sin this way, as you will certainly be. When you fail, promptly confess it and examine where you went wrong and plan how you will respond differently next time. Sinful patterns can be overcome through mind renewal and a biblical plan for change.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Yet the Fool Multiplies Words
Words from the mouth of a wise man are gracious, while the lips of a fool consume him; the beginning of his talking is folly and the end of it is wicked madness. Yet the fool multiplies words. Ecclesiastes 10:12-14a (NASB)
Because my ministry is primarily to women I spend a lot of time listening. I can safely say with some authority that some women simply talk too much for anyone's good.
I see this problem when women come in with their husbands for counseling. Sometimes I see a woman talking over her husband. He will be speaking and she (being the consummate mind reader) "knows" how he will finish his sentence and saves him the trouble. She often answers questions he has not asked yet!
I see this problem in all kinds of women in social situations. In a gathering, the woman who talks too much is often avoided. Everyone seems to know she has a lot to say about absolutely nothing. Her talk is empty chatter intended to fill the void of silence. Sometimes she gossips or maligns others believing that what she has to tell them is valuable information.
I am willing to bet we all have known someone like this at one time in our lives. Maybe upon reflection you are wondering if you are one of them!
Here are a few things to get you thinking today, can you answer "Yes" to any of these questions? If so, you may be a woman who talks too much.
- I cannot stand silence when I am in a room with someone. I have to make some small talk at least every few minutes.
- I frequently talk but say nothing productive or beneficial.
- I have to make a point, or agree, or have some input in every conversation while in a group.
- I find myself lying (to be included) about situations that have happened to others. Pretty much everything has happened to me!
- I am loud to be noticed.
- I make use of over exaggerated gestures as I talk.
- I make myself the center of attention through laughter, and open ended phrases that welcome comments.
When a multitude of words are coming forth there is such a great danger of ungodly speech! It becomes so easy to embellish a story, add details that are not true, or say things that are unkind and hurtful.
In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, But he who restrains his lips is wise. Proverbs 10:19 (NKJV)
Here are some other ways women talk too much:
Babbling about nothing (Proverbs 10:8); Idle talk (1 Timothy 1:3-7); Gossip (Proverbs 20:19); Unwholesome talk (Ephesians 4:29); Busybodies (1 Timothy 5:13); Harping (Proverbs 27:15); Complaining (Proverbs 21:19); Grumbling (Philippians 2:14)
Ladies, there is much to be said about silence and meditation, even when you have an opinion. There is no shame in listening quietly, or silent agreement. In fact, it may be the better part of wisdom!
Talking reveals much more about us than we realize. Talking too much reveals what is going on in her heart. A woman who talks too much is revealing a heart of fear, a heart of selfishness, and a heart of pride.
"But the things that proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and those defile the man." Matthew 15:18 (NASB)
Women who talk too much are typically fearful. They are fearful of not being liked or accepted by their peers and mistakenly believe that if they are verbally visible they won't be invisible, ignored or unimportant.
Tomorrow we will continue with the solution!
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
What Do You Do To Maintain?
Here is some wonderful news for this beautiful new day: because of our position in Christ, God the Father never sees us any differently in spite of the good or bad choices we make in life.
As I teach this truth I am frequently asked about when we make bad decisions and bad choices; do our choices affect His relationship with us then? I recently had this debate (again) and thought I would share it with you. I hope that you can use it some time when you are approached with this same question.
The question was; do our choices and decisions affect God’s relationship to us? I ask that question the reverse of what you are most likely used to for a reason. I believe that it is important to realize that we have that relationship with God because HE wanted one with US.
We love (Him), because He first loved us. 1 John 4:19
So the question has to be asked in that way to reflect our helpless state in securing our own salvation and relationship with God. It begs to reason then, that if we cannot do anything to gain a relationship with God what can we do to maintain that relationship with God?
Do you understand that if I could not love Him until He loved me, and I could not be saved until He called me, then how much of “me” was involved in contributing to be a part of this relationship? This is not like a marriage, where he asks and I agree or decline. The theology I hold says that God chose me in eternity past (Eph 1) to be His child and because He chose me it was a given that I would at some point in my life respond. So how much of “me” is involved in maintaining the relationship?
Is obedience asked for? Yes it is asked for and in some cases, obedience is commanded. We see this in the imperatives in Scripture. All of the “One Another’s” are imperatives- love one another (John 13:34), be like-minded toward one another (Rom. 12:16), care for one another (1 Cor.12:25) and so on. Those are not just suggestions, they are commands. Another imperative is that we “walk worthy of the calling we have received.” Eph 4:1. A natural step toward walking worthy is to obey the Word of God.
We obey because we desire to glorify God, not because we fear what will happen if we don’t. Far too many of the Christian women I know obey out of fear and a desire to avoid guilt, not out of love or desire to glorify God. Those are an afterthought. We often “do for God” out of a desire to gain approval, be safe, avoid problems…
Are those the motives and actions of a loving relationship? Are these the desires of a loving heart that wants to glorify God? Beloved, is it God’s desire that you live in fear and terror of Him? Is it right that you obey and make right choices on the outside while your heart is rebelling against Him? What is more important to the Lord?
…for God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7b
For You do not delight in sacrifice, otherwise I would give it; You are not pleased with burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise. Psalm 51:16-17
I maintain that feelings of guilt are a consequence of sin and “bad choices.” That although I have grace that overflows, I am still are aware that when I make a choice that is bad (I SIN) I am throwing the grace of God in His face. Guilt is intended to remind us of the cross, to remind us of our inability to do this, to remind us of His grace and mercy, and to remind us that Rom 6 is true!
Jesus Christ combats our sin with His mercy and grace not shame and banishment! His love for us is perfect and complete. Be careful not to ascribe the tendencies of mere humans to an amazing God.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Imitate Christ
Paul said, “Imitate me as I imitate Christ.” Can you say that? I know that I shudder when I think of saying that to people. I want to… I want to be able to say that. I see I am so far from who Paul was at the time he wrote these words. I pray that I won’t have to wait until I am old and grizzled before I finally put off enough of my flesh to be able to encourage people to imitate me as I imitate Christ.
What gets in my way? It is those sinful desires again…my heart lusting after forbidden fruit that is as temporary as a ice cube on an August afternoon. It gives me some pleasure, maybe even some relief but all too soon it is gone and I am more miserable than I was before I had it, because I want more. My flesh is never ever going to be satisfied and why I don’t get that on a permanent basis I don’t know!
How can I encourage you to imitate me when I see the crud that is displayed in my life and is a revelation of what it is in my heart? When I hear the words coming from my mouth that are not edifying, or loving, or patient or kind? When I know my temper flares with impatience and I see myself behaving so selfishly? (I cannot help but wonder if Eve had the same thoughts as she looked longingly back at Eden. Did she sit picking weeds in a field pondering what her life was like before she ate from that tree? How simple it was then, how delightful, how free she was before that blasted serpent made his appearance? She had actually been sinless!)
I want to encourage you to be better than me! Surrender now, all of it. Don’t wait another moment, or another day! Don’t play around with sin for it wants more and more of you. It desires to master you and wants you to believe it owns you.
God is graciously allowing me to have those little glimpses inside my heart that I speak of from time to time on this blog. He is using various things right now to show me –again- how much change still must take place in my heart. I am hearing each cutting word; I am knowing each thought that does not bring Him glory. The Spirit of God is so very powerful and faithful to show me what must change! That quiet and non-condemning “voice” that “says,” “Ahh, Julie did you hear what you just said? Is this what I am teaching you about right now?” I am so thankful! I am so humbled, and it is very good. Believe me when I tell you that seeing me in the light of His holiness is a very humbling experience.
It is my most fervent prayer that one day I will be able to tell you that it is ok to imitate me, because I am imitating Christ and have a clear conscience in doing so. I believe one day I shall because HE is faithful to finish this work that HE began in me. He is the one who is doing all this in my heart and even causing me to care about it in the first place. He will not fail in this transformation for He is the Master and the lover of my soul. He has determined that I will bring Him much glory and because of that I will not fail.
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