Life Is Hard

I know you all have noticed; our country is really in the tank right now. Debt is skyrocketing in the government and in our own homes. Our family has been trying to get out of debt's stranglehold for quite some time and we are being thwarted at every turn. I am sure I am not alone!

We are unfortunately in a financial climate where many husbands do not have high paying jobs, or even a job at all! Many jobs no longer offer health insurance benefits, or affordable benefits for a family. We are also living in a time where many families need two incomes to even survive.

This makes it hard on us women, doesn't it? As Christians, many of us have been told that our place is to be keepers of our homes, good wives and mothers to our children, and to fulfill the mandate of Titus 2. There are women wracked with guilt who read this blog daily because they have had to put their kids in school instead of continuing to home school them. Other women have given up ministries and service to others because their husbands have lost their jobs and unemployment does not cover the bills, so they have had to go to work.

We sometimes feel as though we have lost our way. I know women who are mourning the loss of all they hold precious and dear at the sacrifices they have had to make. Loaded with guilt for "abandoning" their families for a paycheck they wonder how they can be a godly wife and mother.

I want to encourage you today. First, you must know that I am one of you. I have put my ministry service to others in the back seat of my life right now. I work job that is nearly full time and the ministry work I do comes after that. That is not to blow my own horn by any means, I do what I do by grace alone.

My heart frequently fights with my knowledge of Scripture and my theology and I confess there are times I am so confused by the actions of the Lord in our lives that I can say nothing. I desire my life to be yielded to Him, for His use and His glory.

This demands that I am spiritually growing and feasting on the Word- another challenge in the midst of daily life! I do not glean my wisdom from Dr Phil or Oprah, but from men and woman who are godly influences in my life who also base their lives on the Word of God.

He is where we must find the strength to carry on each day, not in our husbands or in each other. I think we are so often let down because we have expectations of others that should only be brought to God. We make people our gods and we worship them, forget they are fallible human beings and cannot meet our every need as only He can.

Second, in spite of your problems and heartache, you can still laugh at the future. You are secure in Christ. You can trust God because He is sovereign over all the universe and nothing that is happening to you right now is outside of His sovereign will for you and your family. Somehow, whatever comes your way- good or bad- will be for your good and God's glory.

Whew! But that is so very tough to believe right now, isn't it? This is where your faith comes in, dear reading friends. Faith, faith, faith, and trust that God is in charge of all of our lives. Is He building a tremendous harvest of faith in your heart. He is going to demonstrate to you that He is trustworthy and true to Himself.

Pray for yourselves, and pray for me that we might all be the beneficiaries of such steadfast faith and trust in the midst of the most trying circumstances of our days.

Redirection Toward the Cross

Even in emotional suffering Christ is sufficient. There is a great danger of being lured away by worldly philosophies because it causes us to refocus on temporal things, and to lose our desire and vision for God.

I once heard a pastor say, “Once we lose our vision for God, who He is, what He has done through His Son Jesus Christ, we get a vision for something else. God is put on the shelf, an abstraction. Christ’s work on the Cross becomes a footnote in history that has application when I die but is irrelevant now.”

Has this ever happened to you? Have you lost your focus on Christ and begun to look at temporary situations and your present difficulties as all there is?

I want to redirect you today from focusing on yourself, and your situation, the things that get you down, and cause you to feel bad to focusing on Christ in the Bible.

In the NASB the terms “in Him” appear 94 times. The terms “with Him” are there 114 times. If something is mentioned that many times, it has got to mean something! So let us look today at Him and discover some of the realities about Jesus. It is inevitable that we relate some of them to ourselves but it is important that you understand that these things are true about Him regardless of how they do or don’t affect you.

. …in Him you have been made complete… Jesus is able, by virtue of who He is to make us complete. I have said of my husband, “He completes me” and to some degree that is true.  However, even with my husband I would be incomplete without the only One who can truly complete me; Christ.

Remember that you are born with that God-shaped void in your spirit. You and I were born sinners, spiritually dead, without life, unable to do anything about it at all. We are helpless and as hard as we may try, as many good deeds as we may do we are still insufficient and incomplete without Christ.

Who else in the history of all the world can make a person complete? No one but Jesus.

When we are complete in Him, we are also immediately positionally secure. This means that no matter how you may feel about it, God says that you are secure.

I recall watching the hurricane recovery efforts in the south a few years ago, and seeing a man being hoisted into a helicopter in the arms of a rescuer. The man had a security line around him and he was being held tightly by the other man, but I can only imagine that he was a little concerned about how secure he truly was as he was lifted hundreds of feet in the air.

The man who is the rescuer knows exactly how secure his charge is. He knows what it takes to rescue him, and he has done all that is necessary to harness the man in. Regardless of how that man being rescued feels, he is safe.

Jesus knew exactly what was needed to rescue you and He went the whole distance. He did not stop short of the necessary sacrifice to secure your eternal destiny. This is why as he hung on the cross he cried, “It is finished!” because all that needed to be done was done.

He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him. 2 Corinthians 5:21 (NASB)

You and I cannot add nor subtract from that in any way because we did not do it! Our salvation was monergistic meaning it was a work done by One. We are passive in this process because we have been saved by someone else. Just like that man could not get up into that helicopter alone; you cannot get saved from your sin without Christ. You cannot provoke Christ to save you, and you cannot buy His love. He chooses you.

In my opinion, that makes our salvation and regeneration even more spectacular! I have a fairly good estimation of my depravity...I know how dreadfully sinful I can be (and by God's grace I only know in part!) and even then- He loves me and He chose me! ...amazing....

Ours is the great and wonderful story of redemption -our buy back from sin and death. The heart must understand and accept the truth and reality of our rebirth and adoption into the family of God. The cross is our present hope and our future hope. I found grace and mercy there...I pray that if you have not already, you will.  

The Wise Woman

The wise woman builds her house, But the foolish tears it down with her own hands. Proverbs 14:1

Yesterday I outlined for you the foolish (married) woman who tears her house down. Today I want to focus on being the wise woman who builds her house. This woman is either married or single because both are house building throughout their lives.

The only foundation that a godly woman can build upon is Christ and the principles He has given us in His Word, the Bible.

having been built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Christ Jesus Himself being the corner stone, in whom the whole building, being fitted together, is growing into a holy temple in the Lord, in whom you also are being built together into a dwelling of God in the Spirit. Ephesians 2:20-22 (NASB)

As a Christian, to attempt to build your home on any other foundation will reap harvests of unrighteousness in your life.  

When I think of “fitting together” and “growing into” I think of pieces that are being hammered and chiseled, planed and sanded, and sometimes cut and sawed until they are the right dimensions for what is being built. With all this construction there comes discomfort and even pain in the life of a person who is the “project.”  

There is sometimes incredible pain as the Lord shows us areas of our character that need to be torn down and disposed of in order to build an honorable and house that brings honor and glory to Him.

The wise woman does not fight against the Lord in these processes but submits herself to them, trusting and believing that He is working out His good within her. His objective is to make each of us more like Jesus Christ and plainly spoken- many of us need a whole lot of work.

We women can be very foolish and shallow in our interactions in daily life. Our affections are often set upon things that are worldly and temporary and have nothing to do with godliness or biblical growth and change. We spend inordinate amounts of time doing things that are meaningless from an eternal perspective. Our hours and days are given to us to serve God and serve others. God does tell us to enjoy the financial fruits of labors but often our resources are given to purely benefit self.

Our focus has to be reoriented, and our affections changed to those of God. This does not usually happen on our own; we need some divine intervention to realize that we are wasting these precious limited hours and days of life.

A wise woman is interested in the things of God, and in becoming who God has ordained her to be. The Bible describes godly women as wise (Proverbs 11:16), noble (Proverbs 12:4), hardworking, generous, without fear, industrious, compassionate, careful (Proverbs 31), internally beautiful with a gentle and quiet spirit, (1 Peter 3:16), modest (1 Timothy 2:9) trustworthy (1 Timothy 3:11) and in many other ways.

How much time do you devote to building these qualities into your heart and life? More importantly, how much time in godly pursuits versus the other things in life you are involved in?

These are things you must examine, and ask the Lord to examine your heart as well. 

The Foolish Woman

The wise woman builds her house, But the foolish tears it down with her own hands. Proverbs 14:1

I have been giving a lot of thought to this verse in the past several weeks; thinking about what it means to “tear down my own house with my own hands.”

It would be easy to tear my house down around my head by majoring on the mistakes, sin, areas of unfaithfulness and what I perceive to be foolishness that I might see in my husband. I would practice being harsh and critical of him daily. 

If I wanted to tear my house down I would constantly harp on his areas of failure in our lives and in our marriage. I would blame him for things he has no control over, and needle him for his deficits.

If I wanted to tear my house down I would become lazy. I would not care about my home's appearance or cleanliness. I would leave the laundry unfinished and he would have to get his socks out of the dryer each day because I would "be too busy" doing other things that are more important to me. 

I would also cease caring about my own external appearance. Perhaps I would gain weight, or stop exercising, stop fixing my hair and makeup for him. I would have an attitude of "It's my body I can do what I want with it." I would prefer the company of my girlfriends or a good book to his. I would spend more time on the computer than in conversation with him.

To add to the destruction of my house I would disrespect him as a person and disrespect his authority as the God-given head of our home. I would constantly question his judgment and override his decisions. I would contradict him in front of the children or in front of others, causing him to appear foolish.  He would know that he never measures up to my standards and that nothing he provides will be good enough. 

If I desire to tear down my house with my own hands I will become very emotionally needy. My life will become all about "how I feel" at any given moment and I will be given to great emotional drama as a result. Every day will be ruled by how I feel about myself, my life, our current situations and circumstances. I will insist that he must meet my needs and make me feel good about myself. I would manipulate him with my emotions; sulking, crying, whining to get my own way and give him the cold shoulder and silent treatment when he does not submit to my wishes.

I would become silly and superficial and abandon my God-given role as a godly woman. This would entail cessation of Scripture reading and internalizing of its precious truths. I would stop making application of God's Word to my heart and life. Once I did that, I would quickly become bitter, angry, vengeful, and gossipy, keep records of wrongs and generally become very hard to live with. 

To complete the destruction of my house I would be unforgiving when he sins against me. I would cherish hurts and wounds in my heart and store them up to hurl at him for the next time we disagree. I would major on minor things and everything would have to be “my way.”

This is a tragic picture of far too many married woman today. It is the complete opposite of who and what I aspire to be as a woman and as a wife and I hope you can say the same!

My heart’s desire is to build my house and to build it up daily through the learning and application of the Scriptures to my heart and my life. I want to run fast and hard away from the things that would tear my house down.  

Is it always easy, no it is not always easy! Married people are two sinners living under the same roof day after day for decades. We learn each other’s positive and negative characteristics and over time we can begin to almost predict the response of our husband to a particular situation. It demands selflessness and sacrifice every day and I know I am profoundly blessed to have this kind of a life with him.

This is a part of what the Bible calls becoming one with each other. I have said in the past that after 20 years of marriage it is hard to determine where he ends and I begin and this is God’s design. I cherish him and I know he cherishes me. He is the love of my life and I am his. There is no one for him but me and no one for me but him.

This kind of marriage is available in Christ by God’s grace to everyone who seeks it. Are you a woman who is currently tearing her house down? If so, today is a new day and you can make changes right now.

Confess your sin to God and be washed in His cleansing flood of mercy and grace. Repent of your sin and make a plan to change at the heart level. Determine to love Him and honor Him first, and as you begin to do that you will find that loving and honoring your husband will come much easier. To God be the glory! 

Being Real

“If those whose lives are marked by quiet desperation, who are painfully aware of their trials and sufferings are going to seek out the Christian for help, it will not be because we appear to live lives that are free from trials but because we are honest about our own sufferings and difficulties.”

This quote was recently sent to me by a good friend and fellow counselor. People helpers are often thought of as carefree, or even invincible. Those we help see us as able to handle most anything that happens in life, and mistakenly believe we “have all the answers.” While it is true that all our answers to the problems of life are found in His Word there is the human element to address as well.

I believe many people helpers in God’s service seem to have more than their share of problems in this life. How we handle them means everything to those who observe us.

I sure don’t claim to have all this figured out… I have my share of sorrowful days and trials. I know I can be sad, and I know my countenance reflects that some times. It is because I am human.

When people look at me, what I hope what they see first is Christ. I hope they see the joy of the Lord living within me despite my own personal sorrow. I hope they can see the love of Jesus emulating from me as I continue to serve others in spite of how I feel each day.

I also hope they can see “hope.” In spite of the circumstances that surround me, that my hope in Christ is secure and strong. While I may waver from time to time in my emotions my hope in that God is actively at work in my life and my heart does not change. I believe that He is bringing Romans 8:28-29 to life in me and that is extremely hopeful! I long to be like Christ and to be conformed to His image and I know the only way must be this way- otherwise He would not have chosen it for me.

I hope they can see joy and laughter, even through the tears I sometimes shed. God has placed loving caring people around me and I am incredibly blessed!

I hope they will also see and hear that I am “real” and not be threatened by that. It is so sad that some people are threatened by the humanity of people they (for lack of a better way to say it) look up to, or consider a role model. Paul was real, Jesus was real, Peter was very real… They all spoke out of the humanity and frailty at times. Jesus even sweat great drops of blood in His humanity!

You see, I honestly believe we do each other a great disservice when we tell those who ask how we are that we are “fine” when we are not. For one that is a lie, and for two how can we help others to know how to handle times of discouragement and sorrow when we won’t admit we have them? I knew a woman once who believed that you always put on the happy Christian face no matter what you were going through. She was actually in the middle of a very difficult pregnancy in which she was told her baby girl would be born without a brain. She told no one and carried on as though nothing was happening. She wrongly believed that she was being a good soldier for Christ by pretending she was not terrified and hurting. She deprived others of the opportunity to pray for her and minister to her and to watch God be glorified in her life.

I have not made a practice of hiding my sorrows and struggles, and I freely share my trials and failures because I believe they are beneficial to those who hear. It is an encouragement to another person to watch a struggle and then to watch the person come out on the other side better, stronger in the Lord, like gold that is a little more refined. Those who have shared their thoughts with me about me have said they appreciate this, because it helps them to know I am real and can identify with them.

Please, let people know who you are- the good and bad. Let others see you struggle and rejoice. This brings 2 Corinthians 1 to life!

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ. But if we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; or if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which is effective in the patient enduring of the same sufferings which we also suffer; and our hope for you is firmly grounded, knowing that as you are sharers of our sufferings, so also you are sharers of our comfort.

Emotions Reveal Who You Are

Here is a true statement: Your emotions always reveal your faith. They reveal the voracity of your core beliefs. Think about that for a minute…

Think about the emotion you tend to struggle with most often- fear, worry, anger, sorrow, depression-

Now ask yourself what this emotion tells you what you believe about:

• God
• You
• Your place in this world
• His plan for your life
• What is really important

If you struggle with anger, what your anger tells you about God is maybe you believe God does not do things your way, and He should because you know better.

What anger says about you, is that you believe you could do it better than God does. What it says about your place in this world is that the rest of us should do it your way because your way is better. What anger says about your understanding of God’s plan for your life is you have got a better plan. Your anger says that you are most important to you, and that you ought to be most important to everyone else too!

Your emotions reveal your heart, which is the storehouse of your faith and all that your faith is comprised of.

Here is some really good news: you can control your emotional makeup. This is done by changing your thoughts, beliefs, desires, mind, and actions to those that mirror biblical ones.

Romans 12:2 says, “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.”

I focus so heavily on renewing the mind because that is where true and lasting change takes place! The word of God is the only tool we have to affect this kind of change. The Word and the Spirit in concert applied to the heart of a person, applied to their thoughts, beliefs and desires of the heart will help a person get those emotions in submission to the Holy Spirit.

This is not something you can jerk yourself out of; it is a change that only God can do. You must reorient your worldview to what the Bible teaches about you and your heart. In addition, the Bible helps you to understand on an intimate level

• What God say about Himself Ps. 16:11; Matt. 5:8; Acts 2:29
• What God says about you Eph. 1:3-8
• What God says about your place in His world John 6:27
• What God says about your deepest desires Ps. 42:1-6

This is why the only place you can learn about you and how you were made and what you are designed to be is in the Bible. It is our only source of authority!

Feeling Oriented Living

Is your vocabulary full of the phrase “I feel?” Do you make decisions based on your feelings? How often have you done (or not done) something based on how you feel? In the counseling room I am often astonished by the number of people who have abandoned thought and reason for feeling-oriented living.

Much like the humanistic psychologist Car l Rogers envisioned, we have become a society where it is acceptable and even encouraged to live life by how we feel. As a result, hearing a person express a thought or belief is rare. Listen to how others talk, and you wil l begin to notice how much people “feel” everything, even things that are not by definition feelings (e.g., I feel like I should get a raise).

To express a thought or belief is to open yourself up for criticism or disagreement. Everyone is now “entitled” to express and live by their feelings, and it is rare to hear someone criticize another for doing so.

Is it biblical to live life by how you feel?

Because Jesus Christ is our example, we must go to the Scriptures and determine if He lived His life by feelings. A careful student will determine that Christ never commanded or suggested that we should live life by our feelings. In fact, the Bible warns us not to live by our emotions. 1 & 2 Peter are heavily concentrated with verses that warn against and give the result of living a feeling-oriented life. I have listed a few of them here for you.

As children who are under obedience, don’t shape your lives by the desires that you used to follow in your ignorance. 1 Peter 1:14 (CCNT)

Dear friends, as resident aliens and refugees, I urge you to keep at a safe distance from the fleshly desires that are poised against your soul like an expeditionary force. 1 Peter 2:11 (CCNT)

As a result, it is now possible to live the remainder of your time in the flesh no longer following human desires, but following God’s will. 1 Peter 4:2 (CCNT)

Since His divine power has given us everything for life and godliness through the full knowledge of the one Who called us by His own glory and might (through which He has given to us valuable, indeed, the greatest promises of all, in order that through these you might have become partakers of a divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of desire). 2 Peter 1:4 (CCNT)

Especially those who are following the polluted desire of the flesh and despise ruling authority. 2 Peter 2:10 (CCNT)

“Through uttering impressive-sounding clap-trap, by an appeal to fleshly desires and to impure practices, they bait a trap for persons who have barely escaped from those who live in error” (2 Peter 2:18, CCNT).

If you’re discouraged, you may feel sad, weepy, troubled, or overwhelmed but still be functional. You may be fighting through the feelings and do what is necessary in spite of how you feel. You may depend on other people or circumstances for your security or happiness. You may have become immobilized by your feelings or circumstances. Possibly your feelings have paralyzed you to the point that you are unable to function. Maybe you are neglecting your responsibilities. While trying to escape from your problems, you respond to those who attempt to help you by blaming them for your problems. You justify your behavior, demanding that others change.

Many people who struggle with depression follow this cycle: I don’t like what I am going through. This causes me to have and focus on bad feelings which lead to decreased function which leads to more problems, creating a vicious cycle of depression.

Is this how God would have you to live?

Changing the Culture of the Family

When we counsel it is most often a single member of a family; a wife or mother, daughter or sister who comes for some intensive discipleship counseling. When she begins to put into practice what she learns, I hear from her that while she is growing and changing in Christ, the other family members are not.  Biblical growth and change can brings dissension and division into various relationships that prior to counseling may have been "good."

"Good" is a relative term and very subjective as well. What I perceive as good may not be good to you at all. Such is the case when a counselee who has made great spiritual strides begins to operate differently within the family unit. 

Typically there are dysfunctional aspects to the relationship the counselee has with the other family members, and each person in the family has a role they normally fulfill. Many of these roles are full of sinful habits and expectations. When the counselee begins to change their responses, actions, attitudes as a result of a change of heart it is very common for the other people in the family to become confused, angry and to try to force them back into the role they are expected to play.

What we see is that because of the changes in one heart, the whole dynamic of the family can be changed. This is a wonderful thing, yet it can also be painful for everyone involved. People tend to resist change, especially when they are comfortable with how things have always been.

How can we encourage our counselee to continue on the path of growth and biblical change? Frankly, it is much easier for them to succumb to the pressure brought to bear by the family. Those old sinful habits and responses are like comfortable old shoes; familiar and easy to slip into.  The counselee has to be very committed in her heart to continuing the process of biblical change for the glory of God.

Keeping at the glory of God at the forefront of her thoughts is critical (1 Cor. 10:31) because it helps her to remember that pleasing her family is not as important as glorifying God by how she lives her life.

We encourage her to be willing to stand for righteousness despite the attempts of the family to persuade her to stop functioning within the new paradigm. Manipulation, angry outbursts, withholding affection, threats, crying and whining are some of the common tactics used by other people who don’t like what is happening to their loved one as she changes and begins to eliminate those old sinful patterns.

It is critical that she be counseled about the fear of man (man pleasing) issues at the first sign of such manipulative behavior by her family members. I urge my counselee’s to read When People Are Big and God Is Small by Ed Welch because it deals with this whole area and will give your counselee “counsel” between your sessions.

She will also be in the place of teaching her family how to change biblically as she explains why the old tactics they may use will no longer be as effective on her emotions. In some cases it is like steering the Titanic because these habit patterns are life-long but I have seen this work in many families.  With the diligence and perseverance of one counselee to determine to glorify God by how she lives, many lives can be changed within the family.

Chastened by God

My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, Nor faint when you are reproved by Him; For those whom the Lord loves He disciplines, And He scourges every son whom He receives.” Hebrews 12:3 (NASB)

I recently had an occasion to speak with a person who has experienced in a very real way the discipline of the Lord in their life. She has given me her permission to in essence tell her story. She had grievously sinned in a way that is not important to the purpose of this blog so I won't identify it here, but suffice it to say that she knew what she had done was grievous to God and would deeply hurt others if she was found out. 

She told me that she realized her sin for the foolishness it was and repented of it before God without being discovered by anyone and for many months she kept her sin a secret. She rationalized keeping it a secret because of how much damage would be done to others if she spoke of it. 

But God knew. 

As I listened to her tell me about those months of personal, private suffering during and after she repented there was no doubt that she was describing the chastening hand of God. 

For Your arrows have sunk deep into me, And Your hand has pressed down on me. There is no soundness in my flesh because of Your indignation; There is no health in my bones because of my sin. Psalm 38:2-3 (NASB)

She spoke of sleepless nights and a general restlessness that plagued her constantly. She never "felt good" and     had an ongoing sensation of wanting to run. She would spend parts of her day in a sort of a daze, unable to get much accomplished at home. Because she did not work full time it was easy to hide during the day, and that is what she wanted to do most- hide. When she had to leave the house she struggled to hold herself together in public, especially when among Christians. She was constantly fearful she would reveal she was in distress and be exposed. 

For my iniquities are gone over my head; As a heavy burden they weigh too much for me. My wounds grow foul and fester Because of my folly. I am bent over and greatly bowed down; I go mourning all day long. For my loins are filled with burning, And there is no soundness in my flesh. I am benumbed and badly crushed; I groan because of the agitation of my heart. Psalm 31:4-8 (NASB)

She felt incredibly alone. She felt isolated internally and externally. Her prayer life consisted of confessing her sin over and over to God, begging for His forgiveness, praying her secret would stay hers and His alone. She was plagued with sorrow and hopelessness, truly sick at heart at what she had done. 

There are times when others have told me that they "heard voices" in their head and were not insane or crazy. This woman described the battle of the voices that went on day and night, night and day as she grappled with the magnitude of her secret sin. One "voice" urging her to confess what she had done, to come clean before God and man; and the other "voice" taunting her and shaming her. It told her what a horrid sinner she was, that God could not possibly love her, that she was worthless and unforgivable. It told her that her life as she knew it would be over, that she would be alone and unwanted. She listened to the voice that shamed her and kept the secret. 

For I am ready to fall, And my sorrow is continually before me.  For I confess my iniquity; I am full of anxiety because of my sin. Psalm 31:17-18 (NASB)

At the same time, she began listening to sermons that dealt with her sin issue and the Word of God began to minister to her heart. She desperately sought comfort from the Word of God but was confronted over and over with her secret sin. The difference (she said) was one "voice" was horribly condemning and the other was not. 

She came to understand that all that she was suffering from was the chastening of God. As a Believer indwelt by the Holy Spirit God would not allow her to continue in sin the way she wanted to. Over time she realized that her desire to keep the sin secret was not so much for the benefit of her family as for herself. She feared exposing herself for herself. With that realization she confessed. 

Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being, And in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom. Purify me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. Make me to hear joy and gladness, Let the bones which You have broken rejoice. Hide Your face from my sins And blot out all my iniquities. Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me. Psalm 51:10 (NASB)

On the other side of the whole thing, she tells me she understands that what happened to her spiritually was a blessing from God. Chastening drove her to repentance and confession and was evidence of her unity with Christ. She is thankful for what God has done in her life! 

Delivered by Desire Part 3

My friend and Pastor Bruce Roeder has done a book review on the excellent book, Delivered by Desire, By Pastor Daryl Wingerd. I posted the first two parts of the review, and today is the third part. 

You can find Pastor Bruce at  Missio Dei Fellowship, in Kenosha, WI. 

He has two blogs and I suggest you check them out! My Ministry Blog    My Stuff That Interests Me Blog

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Chapter 4: Irrationality 101

At the time of this writing Anthony Wiener, Democrat Congressman from New York has been caught sexting and then lying about it. The irrationality of it is that he used his Twitter account to send pics of his private parts to young women. This is proof positive that sin makes you stupid and reckless.

Chapter Four is about the irrationality of porn use with Christians.  This is why behavior modification is not enough to defeat porn temptation. It’s irrational for a man to use a company computer to view porn, yet they do. It’s more irrational to use the company computer to view porn by getting around the blocking devices many companies use. Yet, computer savvy Christian men do just that. It does not make sense which says something about the power of ruling desires. They should not be under estimated and it’s why the heart must be dealt with at the root level.

Key Thought: If you continue in your habit of viewing pornography, you will be a case-study in irrational thought and behavior.

Chapter 5: Marriage Poison

Viewing pornography is adultery (Matt. 5:28)

Way back in 1976 then President Jimmy Carter gave an interview to Playboy Magazine. He famously remarked that he had committed adultery in his heart by lusting after women other than his wife.

Carter was just being honest and it’s sad that the media just focused on the comment rather than the solution to the struggles of the heart. I am not sure why Carter gave the interview to Playboy in the first place. At the time Carter was the first openly born-again President and maybe this excerpt from the interview explains why he did it. Keep in mind that in 1976 Playboy was the porn standard and was in its heyday. Here’s Carter’s comment:

Because I'm just human and I'm tempted and Christ set some almost impossible standards for us. The Bible says, "Thou shalt not commit adultery." Christ said, I tell you that anyone who looks on a woman with lust has in his heart already committed adultery. I've looked on a lot of women with lust. I've committed adultery in my heart many times.... This is something that God recognizes, that I will do and have done, and God forgives me for it. But that doesn't mean that I condemn someone who not only looks on a woman with lust but who leaves his wife and shacks up with somebody out of wedlock. Christ says, don't consider yourself better than someone else because one guy screws a whole bunch of women while the other guy is loyal to his wife. The guy who's loyal to his wife ought not to be condescending or proud because of the relative degree of sinfulness.

There is some truth in Carter’s remarks because he identifies the main issue as a heart issue. There is a relative degree of sinfulness since actual adultery has more consequences than fantasy adultery but as I said at the end of the day it’s a heart issue. Carter seems to downplay the seriousness of the lusting however. The comment about God recognizing his struggle and forgiving him is true but should not serve as a further rationalization for continued lusting.

The Bible makes much of the connection between adultery and idolatry. In this case the idol of pleasure controls the man into committing adultery in his heart and it often leads to the real thing. INET sex chat lines are one way adultery becomes even more real. We’ve come a long way from Playboy lusts to live chats and in at least one case I’ve counseled a man who went from live chats to setting up a meeting that fortunately did not happen.

Adultery is a slippery slope and the slide starts in the mind.

Chapter 6: Fool’s Vomit

Look up Proverbs 6:32, 7:7, 7:22-23 and Proverbs 5:20-23.

It should go without saying that in our culture sexual sin is winked at. Although pressure is on Anthony Wiener to resign it has more to do with the fact he sent a sexting to a 17-year-old girl than it does with the fact he was sexting at all.

In other words, just about the only taboo left is sexting underage girls or child porn. Had she been 18 the pressure on Wiener to resign would be much less. Even Democrats who like him would not want to have their names on a bill with a man who sex texts children.

The point is our culture pushes and pushes the acceptance of sexual impurity and the Bible equates it with just plain foolishness. Once a person in controlled by the idol of pleasure he worships that god and that is foolishness because it ignores the one true God.

Sexual pleasure within the context of marriage is holy (Heb. 13:4 again) and anything outside of that is the vomit of a fool that he continues to lap up once he has barfed it up time and time again. Not a pretty picture, but thoroughly biblical.

The book can be obtained at Christian Communicators Worldwide (http://www.ccwtoday.org/). Here’s a link to another review if mine still has not sold you on the book’s value. http://christianbooknotes.com/tag/christian-communicators-worldwide/

Book Review- Delivered by Desire Part 2

My friend and Pastor Bruce Roeder has done a book review on the excellent book, Delivered by Desire, By Pastor Daryl Wingerd. Yesterday I posted the first part of the review, and today is the second part. 

You can find Pastor Bruce at  Missio Dei Fellowship, in Kenosha, WI. 

He has two blogs and I suggest you check them out! My Ministry Blog    My Stuff That Interests Me Blog

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I like Wingerd’s approach with his little book. He sets it up as a dialogue between two men, one of whom can’t seem to shake INET porn in Chapter One.

Right off the bat the dialogue goes where it needs to. The man who is struggling is named Nick. Nick knows the porn use is wrong. Most Christian men do get that. On occasion I’ll counsel someone who is not convinced it is wrong but that is merely the power of rationalization making that which is forbidden more acceptable than out and out adultery or fornication. By and large most Christian men grasp that porn is wrong and many have tried time and time again to break the habit only to find themselves going where they should not. Wingerd’s book takes the approach of encouraging Nick to fight rather than heaping shame on him which is at times the tactic used in some Christian circles.

In the dialogue Nick identifies the reason he fails as not knowing how to quit. Wingerd then spends the rest of the book leading Nick to grasp what is going on his heart when he fails and the “how to’s” to finally overcome a ruling desire of the heart that feels like a disease addiction that cannot be defeated.

Here’s a partial chapter breakdown.

Chapter 2: The Significance of Desire

Key paragraph: Please forgive my non-technical language, but whether you respond like a moth or a cockroach when faced with a choice between Light and darkness depends on what your “wanter” wants.

Your wanter is your heart. As an unbeliever your heart will be inclined toward disobedience but when you receive Christ you receive a new heart with a new capacity you did not have before.

I like any counseling book that makes a big deal out of the heart. This is much more than behavioral modification. It deals with the soul.

Chapter 3: The Anatomy of Desire

Key paragraph: Because of God’s wrath following Adam’s disobedience, there was a “new natural” in terms of human desire. Sin-the excessive and perverse expression of the good desires God implanted in mankind at creation-became the new ruling principle in every person from birth.

In other words, sin distorts everything and sin whatever the form becomes something that rules a person. In Christ, that changes, but sin still has the power to pull the believer down and dominate him through habitual responses to life.

This is why Nick fails. At his moment of weakness the ruling desire of the heart (lust, pleasure) is stronger than his love for Christ. Controlling idols take many forms. Pleasure, power, control and approval are the most common and most people can identify with them one way or the other. Porn is obviously connected to pleasure but power and control can also factor in. Controlling idols are the roots of what psychology would call addictions.  The controlling idol is so powerful the person feels like they have a disease they cannot cure.

Book Review-Delivered by Desire

I wanted to post a part of the book review my friend and Pastor Bruce Roeder has done on this excellent book. It is much too long to post in one blog, but I am giving you the first portion today. The book is titled, Delivered by Desire, By Pastor Daryl Wingerd.

You can find Pastor Bruce at  Missio Dei Fellowship, in Kenosha, WI. 
He has two blogs and I suggest you check them out! My Ministry Blog    My Stuff That Interests Me Blog
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My wife and I like to poke around in antique stores or second hand stores and the other day we stopped at a second hand store in a small town in Wisconsin.

I usually aim for the book section to see what I might get in the history department. As I made my way through the books I spotted a niche in the shop and headed for it hoping to find more books. Instead what I found was a niche full of porn! It took about 2-3 seconds for me to totally realize what I stumbled upon but having realized it I quickly exited the niche. Flee youthful lusts comes to mind here!

My wife must have seen me enter the niche since she met me on the way out and said she had just stumbled upon the niche just prior to me and was on her way to warn me.

We’re not naive so we were not shocked to see the store have a porn niche but we were surprised since I cannot recall ever seeing a wall full of hard core magazine stuff at a second hand resale shop. What was equally troubling was the fact that the young lady behind the counter was no more than 16 or 17-years-old and I’m thinking what kind of dad would let his daughter work in a place that sold hard core porn?

I read in one of my counseling books on porn that magazine porn has declined in popularity but that is due to the INET rather than anyone turning away from the porn industry. This means that the second-hand store was selling the magazines as vintage collectible porn. It’s sad there must be a market.

As I’ve noted in a previous post on the subject of porn the church is not immune to porn nor is it limited to men only. The INET has made porn available for everyone and more and more women also use it. This has led to a widespread acceptance of porn as normal and probably explains why a dad didn’t mind his 16-17-year old daughter running the risk of some guy buying a stack of old porn mags.

The church though is fighting back and there a number of free resources available for people who struggle with this desire of the heart that feels like a disease addiction.

Two the best are by Tim Challies and Mark Driscoll. Look at my previous post and follow the links for your free copy.

But what I want to do for the rest of this article is tune you into a book by Pastor Daryl Wingerd titled Delivered by Desire-The Encouraging Truth About Christians and Sexual Purity. This book is not free but is well worth the $15.00 price tag.

The first thing about this book I noticed is the title, Delivered by Desire with the word by struck over the word from.

This is not merely clever but says something profound. Often time’s men feel trapped by porn and as a result pray that if only the Lord would deliver them from sexual desire their problems would be over.

The Lord can certainly do that if He chooses but the prayer request misses the point. Sexual desire is not evil and God ordained the marriage bed as something holy (Heb. 13:4). A man should desire his wife sexually as well as she for him (1 Cor. 7).  The desire is not wrong; what is wrong is when the desire becomes a desire for something outside of what God intended.

Wingerd’s title then begins to apply the only heart solution there is to the problem of porn. I must desire Jesus more than I desire porn. The more I desire Jesus then the more I will fight the temptation of wandering eyes. Fleeing like I did in that second hand shop is an obvious strategy and very much like Joseph did with Potiphar’s wife. In other words guys, don’t linger, run for your life, flee immorality as the Scripture puts it.

The Importance of Discipline

I frequently hear people say that unless they stop doing something, or start doing something they will not receive the blessings of God. The passage used is Hebrews 12 and it is often misused to paint God as a harsh and cruel God who is waiting, club raised, to smack a person over the head.

I once was told by a "friend" that she could no longer be my friend because (in her opinion) I was sinning. She said she didn't want to be my friend anymore because "I don't want God to get me." What nonsense.

Can I just tell you- God is not a "getting" God! Does God discipline us? YES, but not in the way it is wrongfully portrayed by some.

Recently I was talking with someone who has been severely chastened by God.  She was involved in some things that were serious sin issues.  While she did cease her involvement in the sin and fully repented of it she tried to hide it and keep it a secret from people who needed to know about it. She described literally months of misery; internal and external, spiritual and physical torment (her word!). 

She described sleepless nights, hounding guilt, stomach upset, poor ability to concentrate, the urge to medicate with food or alcohol, and what she refers to as “a constant haunting” of media events that made reference to her sin. She resorted to sleep aids because the sleeplessness was so bad, and found life lost all its joy.

This was the discipline of the Lord and was intentional and purposeful. His intervention in her life (and ours when we sin) is always restorative. God does not punish Believers in the way some say He does no matter how it feels to us.  

Do we who are under grace have consequences? Of course we do, the above account is a great demonstration of that! Often consequences are God's greatest blessing to us because they remind us that our lives are not our own, we belong to someone greater than ourselves. Our consequences very often bring pain and pain is a great motivator! When I experience pain I am reluctant to make that same move twice. This is God's formula for teaching us and disciplining us.

Furthermore, we had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them; shall we not much rather be subject to the Father of spirits, and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His holiness. All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness. Hebrews 12:9-11 (NASB)

God's goal for the Christian is Christlikeness. We are to end this life looking as much like Christ as possible so that when people see you and me, they are seeing Him. For some of us, that is going to take a lot of discipline!

When God begins to sand those rough and pointy edges of your heart and character it is great cause for rejoicing, for it is another identification of belonging to Him! (Heb. 12:7-8)

Counseling the "Addict"

When we counsel "addicts" and "alcoholics" we use biblical terminology. We call them idolaters and drunks. Sound harsh? It shouldn't if you are a Bible reader. We use those terms because that is what God uses! 

Often, those we counsel with these issues are surprised to learn that our focus is not specifically on the drinking or drug use. Drinking and drug use are symptoms of the greater problem of the heart. Many of our counselees have been through secular counseling already and they have learned the acceptable mantra to recite. They know what to say to the counselor to get them off their back, and they know what the expectations are. 

In our counseling center we focus less on pulling the bad fruit (drinking, drug use, gambling, etc.) off the tree because we know that very soon new bad fruit will grow in its place. Our goal and desire is to get to the root of the problem that leads your heart to desire escape, thrills, solace or whatever payoff you receive through the use of your substance (worship of your idol). 

Of course we take the presenting problem seriously; we expect radical amputation to be applied to the person's life and we expect them to abstain from worshiping whatever idol they have erected. The consequences of continuing in idolatry can be life threatening at the most and relationship destroying at the least. 

The Lord Jesus Christ takes discontinuing of sin very seriously. In Matthew 5:29-30 He tells us to go as far as we possibly can to rid ourselves of our temptations to sin. He uses the example of plucking out your eye or chopping off your hand if those are what lead you to sin. It is better to be missing a few body parts and gain heaven than it is to be physically whole and condemned. 

Now I guess I ought to say that I am not recommending self-mutilation by any means! It is an example so don't hurt yourself. What this does mean is that if you have a worship problem/idolatry/addiction you must be willing to deal with it in a radical manner! 

If you are a drunk it means that you get rid of all the alcohol in the house, you stay away from bars, parties, old drinking buddies and every thing else in your life that tempts you to drink. 

If you are a over eater it means you don't go to all you can eat buffets or drive through the fast food line. 

If you are abusing drugs of any kind it means you get rid of them and don't buy any more! Even prescription drugs are now off limits for you. 

In short, it means that you are willing to go to any length needed to stop your destructive behavior. Radical amputation means radical life change in the material realm of your life. It also means radical amputation of the heart. Your "addiction" is really a heart issue, and to get through it you need some radical heart surgery. The roots of your heart are steeped in "self" and the worship of your own desires. 

Changing what guides and motivates your heart is the only thing that will permanently change your actions. When your thoughts, beliefs, and desires are changed from "ME" to "GOD," and changed from how I can please myself, serve myself, and worship myself to how can I live my life to glorify God then and only then will your life begin to change. 

This is why I go on and on about heart change! What guides and motivates your heart is what will change the results (fruit) of your life. 

But now you must be holy in everything you do, just as God-who chose you to be his children-is holy. For he himself has said, “You must be holy because I am holy.” 1 Peter 1:15-16 (NLT)

As you practice holiness, you are bringing God glory. That is to be the goal of each of our lives, to bring our gracious and wonderful God glory each day. It is the reason we are here. Glorifying God happens when the focus of life changes from living for my pleasure and glory to living for His pleasure and glory.

Now Is The Time

Therefore, prepare your minds for action, keep sober in spirit, fix your hope completely on the grace to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. As obedient children, do not be conformed to the former lusts which were yours in your ignorance, but like the Holy One who called you, be holy yourselves also in all your behavior; because it is written, “You shall be holy, for I am holy.” 1 Peter 1:13-16 (NASB)

We are living in very troubled times. Peter’s admonition to the Believers in his first Epistle contains wisdom for us today.  He tells Christians in cultural and political crisis to “prepare your minds for action.”  Your mind is one aspect of what the Bible calls the heart; the place that your thoughts, beliefs, and desires originate. 

To prepare your mind for action means to reign in your thinking and focus on things of God rather than being swayed and seduced by things of the world.  First century Christians had the same problems we do twenty centuries later; we are easily distracted and knocked off course. 

Peter reminds us that our thoughts are to be set on godly things, and we are to be so focused on the spiritual matters at hand that the things of the world hold little allure for us.  We are responsible before the Lord to be ready to stand in the day of adversity (Ephesians 6:13).  We are to be prepared to function as Christians when the hard days of trial and suffering come upon us. This involves training and disciplining ourselves to be spiritually strong when times are not as hard so that when the days of extreme tribulation arrive we are able to overcome the fearsome things we will be facing. In the days of persecution that are surely ahead of us we will need every memorized verse, every biblical principle, and every bit of godly wisdom we can have.  

Because of this I am concerned about the relative lack of interest in spiritual growth I see among Christian women today.  Most do not typically spend their days thinking about the coming persecution or how to stand in the day of adversity. So many  are more concerned with seeing the newest movie, having the nicest wardrobe, or belonging to the “right” groups that there is little thought given to deeply spiritual things. 

There is a day coming quickly when none of the worldly things will matter and women will suffer greatly for lack of knowledge and wisdom.  They will grieve in their hearts that while they had the time and the freedom there was so little interest to grow and change that went beyond the perfunctory weekly ladies Bible study. 

This is the time to dive in and drink deeply from the living water of the Word. Engrain the truths of Scripture deeply in your heart and mind, meditate on the principles and commands of our God and pray for the enabling of the Holy Spirit to stand strong in the Lord when troubles arrive on your doorstep.