Sufficiently Single

Many single people are very self-sufficient and take care of themselves very well. This is out of necessity as they have to provide financially for themselves, take care of their own health needs, housing needs, and transportation needs. There is no one else to rely on or to give direct support to them in most cases. They tend to be driven personality types and successful in their chosen job or career. This is a blessing as well as becoming a curse because where there is self-sufficiency there is no need for God.

Think of what the term “self-sufficiency” means. It means I am complete in myself, I can handle everything myself, I am in control of my own life and destiny.  For a Christian, those thoughts and beliefs are deadly because they reek of a haughty, prideful heart.  I don’t know anyone who would seek after self-sufficiency with this understanding, yet there are plenty who function this way.

There is a great temptation to be self-sufficient because, after all, if you don’t take care of things yourself, who will? We find the answer to that in God’s Word. If this is a struggle for you, you must be reminded of who you are.

You must remember that you are God’s workmanship (Eph. 2:10) and that as your life story unfolds you are not meant to “go it alone.”  God is fashioning you into His image and likeness and this requires you depend on Him to take care of you and the things in your life.  Of course, it doesn’t mean you sit at home and wait for the money to roll in the door or the bathroom drain to magically be unplugged.  It does mean that even though you may be gifted to perform at your job or even to unclog a drain; you must recognize that your abilities, hope, and help come from God.  

The things you struggle with are areas in which God may be humbling you, reminding you that you are not all sufficient, and are incomplete without Him (Col 2:10).

Another part of His workmanship is smoothing off or even amputating the rough spots in your character.  He does this through unique trials that are fashioned specifically for you.  As a single person, it is simply easier to develop sinful patterns of thought and behavior because many live alone and are not challenged constantly by others who would hold them accountable for sinful thoughts, beliefs, and desires that lead to sinful actions in their lives.  (Even if you have a roommate there is still a different sort of intimacy or closeness than when two people are married. There is not the “oneness” in a friendship that you have in a marriage.)  God allows the trials you have into your life and uses them as a tool to break down the pride of self-sufficiency and to remind you that no one can exist alone. Despite how you may feel, you need the church and her members to help you in sanctification (Col 1:28; Jas. 1:4).  

If you have been standoffish in your church, or holding yourself back from connecting with other people, I urge you to change that pattern this very week.  The next time there is a gathering, go and show yourself to be friendly and open. Remember, God created you with a genuine need for other Christians. Listen to Him.

Serving With A Single Mind and A Single Heart

I finished up yesterday by suggesting that those who are single begin to examine their hearts for the sin of rebellion if they are discontent in their season of singleness.

Part of what I have observed about those who are unhappy as singles is their perspective is skewed. Their focus is on the present and how they feel right now and what they want right now.  Nowhere in Scripture is anyone (married or single) told to live life by how they feel.  In fact, we are told just the opposite. A life that is lived denying self is God’s example and His ideal for all of His children.

“If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me”. Luke 9:23 (NASB)

Paul taught the Corinthians this lesson in Chapter 7 of his first Epistle.  His focus was on the eternal not the present temporary pleasures of the world.  In fact, he encouraged those who were married to live in service the God as though they had no spouse.

But this I say, brethren, the time has been shortened, so that from now on those who have wives should be as though they had none 1 Cor 7:29 (NASB)

Single women are able to devote themselves to eternal pursuits, kingdom pursuits and to have a committed focus on Jesus Christ.  As I consider the godly single women I know I think of all I know they do for Him. Several are school teachers, educating and influencing the next generation of Christians not only academically but by their strong character.  A few other single women have a deep devotion to praying for the needs of the church and her people.  They meet together at least twice a week for the sole purpose of praying, in addition to spending personal time appealing to the Lord for the needs of others.  I know at least three others who have dedicated their vacation time and their financial resources to missions. They have been around the globe teaching English as a second language, spreading the gospel as they built houses, taught principles of biblical change, worked in support roles for teachers and preachers, dug trenches for water pipes, cleaned tiny teeth, and immunized people against preventable diseases.  One woman I know has been to China several times teaching children about Jesus.  Two of the women who volunteer in this ministry are single, and frankly, I do not know what I would do without their help!

This is what Paul was talking about as he encouraged single people to remain single.  Singleness provides the time needed for Christian service that marrieds often don’t have because they have to be concerned about the needs of their spouse and home (1 Cor. 7:32-33) As I said previously, Christian singleness is not accidental; it is an intentional and purposeful tool in the hands of a loving and active God.

No one knows how long their season of singleness will last, or what God intends to do while they are in it.  The Lord in His sovereignty knows…

May I encourage you not to despise the place you have been placed? May I encourage you not to waste this time wishing things were different for you? May I also encourage you to use this time wisely, putting your hand to whatever service the Lord has placed in front of you for the glory of God? And finally, I gently remind you to do all that you do out of a grateful heart for the glory of God alone. 

A Season of Singleness

Many of you have been waiting a long time for this series on singleness. I have several unmarried friends who “suffer” day after day of postings on things related to marriage and family, waiting for me to post something relative to them.  It is with love and thanksgiving for your patience that I dedicate these posts to you.

My single friends struggle greatly with the married climate in the church. It seems that everything is geared towards couples and families, and there is precious little for our unmarried brothers and sisters in Christ. Most dread the Singles Group and see it as the place all the desperate people go to find a spouse. When matches are made in these groups, I am told it leads to a further sense of hopelessness for those who remain single.

Many have told me they feel like second-class citizens in their own churches, islands of isolation among the happy loving couples God has brought together.  They wonder if somehow they have missed the Love Boat, or have been misplaced by God. Far too many are discontent and unhappy with their lives. They have the view that true happiness in life is eluding them because they have no husband to share it with. They believe they are missing something and that God has cheated them.

The first thing I want you to know is that God has not overlooked you. You have not been misplaced, or lost in the shuffle. God has a purpose and a plan for you and for this time in your life.  Your singleness is intentional and purposeful; He intends to use it and to use you for your good and His glory. 

The second thing you should know is that as a single person, you are in great company! Mary, Martha, and Lazarus were all single people (John 11:30-45); the merchant Lydia (Acts 16:14) was unmarried, and the Apostle Paul was single (1 Cor. 7:8) as was Timothy (Acts 16:1). The Apostle John was single as a widower in his older years, and perhaps the best single man of all was the Lord Jesus Christ.

There is nothing about being married that makes a person a better Christian or more loved by God. We are all sinners standing needy at the foot of the cross; we all have the same need for redemption and sanctification (Rom 2:9-11).  

Being single does not make you less fortunate than your fellow Christians who are married.  You are exactly where God wants you to be right now!

But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I. 1 Cor.7:8 (NASB)

Only, as the Lord has assigned to each one, as God has called each, in this manner let him walk. 1 Cor. 7:18 (NASB)

God desires for you to glorify Him as a single person.  You have been gifted and enabled to serve Him uniquely and in ways that your married counterparts cannot. This season of your life may be temporary and He has things for you to do in it, people for you to minister to, ways to serve Him and His church.  Despite your thoughts or feelings on your marriage status the Lord instructs us all to be thankful for whatever state we are in (Col 3:12-17).

Begin today to look at your life through His eyes, and see the wonderful opportunities He has given you to reflect His love that is within you. Examine your heart and if you find you are discontent with His plan for your life you must repent of this rebellion. Begin to practice gratitude for this time of your life and seek to use the giftedness God has placed within you. 

Seeing the Discontented Heart

Today we continue to look at the discontented heart. I wanted to write about the expectations we place upon each other when we see someone struggling with discontent. 

Keeping the stiff upper lip and not letting anyone see the inner turmoil that is going on within you because it does not look Christian to let other people know or see that you are struggling.  This has unwittingly (I hope) become a common teaching in evangelical churches.

It is not acceptable – especially for women- to admit that you don’t have your Christian act together in some churches, particularly for people in church leadership or as biblical counselors.

A few years ago I was told that “I should know better” and asked, “What is the matter with you?” because I was honest about my struggles, unhappiness, and discontent with my situation after my Mom had just died, and my husband and I had been living 555 miles apart for 6 months due to a job change!

The expectation was that I would slap on the Christian happy face and pretend I was content with my circumstances when I was not. Yes, I was praying, reading the Bible, and trusting God.  But what no one wanted to see was the private hell, and the agony I lived with day after day. I lived with a constant level of frustration inside as I tried to accept my circumstances and reconcile myself to God.

Many people try to “suck it up” and move on with life by attempting to control their emotions and pretend that what is affecting them is not! It doesn’t work and I don’t believe God asks that of us either.

One only has to read the books of Job, Psalms, and Lamentations to know that our predecessors talked to God in the midst of their struggles. Sometimes their talking was moaning or groaning, and sometimes it was complaining to God about their lack of understanding as they suffered.

Even Jesus voiced His inner turmoil at the suffering He was about to undergo as He prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane (Matt 26:36-46).

Does this reveal a lack of contentment in our Lord? Hardly!

He was about to undergo the worst form of human suffering in the scourging and crucifixion, and knew that He would be separated from His Father for the first time in all of eternity when He bore our sins on the cross.

He was content with God’s will in his life in being our redeemer, but we see that he did not put on a stoic front, He was real with the Father, He was human as He asked if there was any other way to accomplish our 

redemption.

He knew there was no other way, and so He proceeded with the plan knowing that God was accomplishing His divine will in the midst of His suffering. He was content and accepted God’s will and trusted that the Father would be with Him as He suffered.

There is a great difference between lamentation and grumbling and complaining.

The difference is in the attitude of the heart.

A Peek Inside the Heart of Discontent

“Contentment in every condition is a great art, a spiritual mystery.  It is to be learned, and to be learned as a mystery.” Jeremiah Burroughs.

Many people are looking for contentment in our world. In a recent search of a Christian book catalog if found 42 books on contentment for the Christian.  Many of them contained things like “12 Steps to Contentment” or “Ten Steps to Victory” over discontent.  They are looking for a psychological explanation for why they are not content in life, and what to add or subtract to become content.

Sadly, as a biblical counselor I find that this is what people are looking for when they come to a seminar on the topic of contentment or when they are looking for something to read to find contentment.

 We have become such an instant society that we now have an expectation of instant spiritual maturity, instant change, immediate relief from problems, and instant contentment. The maturing Christian will understand that nothing of any spiritual value (outside of our redemption) is immediate. The best growth and change comes with time and is aged like a fine wine or a perfect cheese.

The process begins with our being pressed, squeezed, and mashed by struggles and trials. Through these adverse situations we experience the goodness and grace of God, and we learn that even when all else around us crumbles and fails that He alone can be trusted to meet our needs.

Ultimately we learn that our contentment is found in Christ alone. “Christian contentment is that sweet, inward, quiet, gracious frame of spirit, which freely submits to and delights in God’s wise and fatherly disposal in every condition…”

This is a wonderful reminder that before contentment is displayed in our lives through our words and actions, it is an issue of the heart.

Contentment begins in the inner man. I believe this is why so many people who are trying to work those 10 Steps give up in discouraged failure.  They are trying to fast forward to seeing results in the outer man before they ever have changes in the inner man. This is why the role of the heart is critical in dealing with discontent.

We have to understand that discontentment is a result of wrong thinking, wrong beliefs, and wrong desires.  The actions we take to relieve our discontent, or in other words the things to do that are intended to bring us contentment are the results of taking the wrong approach to contentment.

If we are to believe what the Bible says about the heart and about contentment, then we must understand and consent to this truth: Before we can change what we habitually do while we are discontent, we must change our thinking patterns.  This is why transformation of the mind is so critical in dealing with discontentment.

Do not be conformed any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Romans 12:2 (NKJV)

Before we can change what we do, we have to come to believe or think differently, and that requires a renewing of the mind; in essence, a change of heart.  

All quotations are from Jeremiah Burroughs The Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment, Banner of Truth Trust edition, 2005 reprint.

Habits in Troubled Marriages

"Consider others better than yourselves..." Philippians 2:3 (NASB)

Many marriages so south because sinful habits and practices have developed and gone unchallenged. These begin to erode the oneness in the relationship and chip away at the foundations of the marriage. Because few marriages are truly Christ-centered these days it does not take long for the foundations to crumble. Remember Jesus illustration of the houses built on solid ground or sinking sand? It obviously applies to marriages as well! Marriages that are based on how the other person "makes me feel" or on a constant demand for affection and attention from the other person will struggle. However, I find that most marriages today are based on just those ideals.

Sinful attitudes and practices in a marriage can and must be overcome. Marriages have been healed and restored to better than new condition when one or both people determine in their hearts to honor God and live by what His Word says.

Communication is one of the weakest areas of most marriages. It seems people just don't learn how to talk to one another anymore and so corrupt communication is rampant. Either it is is limited to texting, twittering, and emailing or it is non-existent. Women complain all the time that their husbands don't talk to them. I also hear that when they do talk there is a lack of honesty and integrity and too often there is cursing and abusive speech. Communication is more than words! Our counseling center has an entire module on Biblical Communication. If this is an area you struggle with, get some training and help in this area!

Another common area of marriage breakdown is selfishness or self-centeredness. Nothing destroys a marriage faster than selfishness. Scripture tells us to be others focused not self-focused. Learn the One Another's of Scripture and practice them toward your husband.

Another troublesome area is a lack of discipline on the part of one or both of you. This is revealed in many ways; poor house keeping- dishes piled in the sink, laundry everywhere, poor bill paying and record keeping, how you spend the money you earn, debt and so on. When these are out of order it reveals a lack of discipline. Living this way is very stressful because it seems you are always a day late and a dollar short, and running around like your hair is on fire. Discipline is an aspect of godliness. If you are not a disciplined woman you need to work on developing this aspect of sanctification.

A huge area of discord right now is financial. With the economy in such bad shape many couples are finding they just don't have enough money to meet their obligations. It is causing a tremendous rise in abuse and divorce because marriages that were fragile before are now stressed to the breaking point. Consider getting in a financial recovery program. I would suggest Dave Ramsey because I have found him to be reasonable, down to earth and accurate.

Now it is important to point out that all these problems are symptoms of a greater problem. They are what I consider to be fruit issues because they are resulting from something else that is out of line. When a tree begins to produce bad fruit that is not good to eat because it is bitter or wormy or mealy we know there is a problem elsewhere with that tree. We must go to the roots of the tree and determine what that tree is taking in through the soil, or what is attacking the tree and causing it to bear bad fruit. Only by attacking the real issues of the heart will changes take place.

Carrying His Secret Sin

Yesterday in Part One of this mini-series we looked at Addressing His Secret Sin. If you missed it, I suggest you take a peek! Today we will examine the effect on a women whose husband grievously sins and repents on his own without the intervention of the church or even his wife.

In today's example, the wife, through providential means learns of her husband's past sin and repentance. When she confronts him he confesses his sin to her and asks her forgiveness, which she by God's grace gives him.  Together they agree to keep this between themselves and move forward with healing their marriage.

Their reasons for keeping it between them is that he ended the sin on his own and demonstrated the fruit of repentance in that area over many months without his wife ever knowing of the sin. Since the revelation of his sin, they have put many hours of discussion and prayer into their reconciliation. He is willing to answer any questions she has about what took place in his sinful time; and while he is considerate with his answers, the knowledge of the details is painful to the wife.

While things are moving in the right direction for them as a couple, the wife is struggling with the knowledge of the depths of his sin. She lacks trust in him, wants to check up on him, and verifies what he tells her as truth before she believes him.

The wife also grapples with the emotional components of knowing his past sin. She fights anger at the realization of what his sin has done to her and their marriage. She also fights against bitterness at times when she thinks of how this has changed everything. Most of all, what she struggles to deal with is the loneliness that  comes with the secrecy, of bearing his secret sin.

Women who are the keepers of such secrets walk a lonely road for there is no one they can share their burden with but God. Very often they have questions about what to "do" with various emotions and thoughts and there is no one to whom they can go without revealing their husband's past and his sin.

She lives with the fear of a repeat episode, the reality of what he did, the betrayal she feels, and the knowledge that she has forgiven him and sees repentance in his life. If his sin was with pornography, she frets over her sexuality and appearance; wanting to "measure up" to a standard she will most likely never attain. If his sin was adultery she worries "the other woman" will resurface, or that somehow she will fail to please her husband and drive him back into her arms.

There is great temptation to live beyond today and forget the Scriptural admonitions to trust God, be thankful, and pray without ceasing. A wife can triumphantly live with the knowledge of her husband's secret sin, but she must do so in the shadow of the cross.

She must understand that her sin is as great in the eyes of God has her husband's sin. She must continue to humble herself before God as she trusts God to lead her husband and to reveal anything she must know about any "secret" goings-on in her marriage. She must continually keep her focus on her need for the message of the cross in her life.

The Lord is great and powerful enough to heal her hurts and her marriage; even as she bears his secret sin.

Addressing His Secret Sin

When I attend conferences and public events I am frequently approached by women who want to speak with me about a situation they are dealing with in their lives. These are issues of sin that their husbands are struggling with, and due to a pastoral position or some other position of leadership in the church they believe there is no one in their circle of influence they can talk to.

Very often this is true as church members and attenders tend to look upon leaders as people who have their spiritual and familial acts together. Many people cannot bear the realization that Pastor struggles with anger, or Pastor's wife is depressed. They think church leaders are above the trials that "normal" people experience. When a leader reaches out for help within their peer group there is often shock and disappointment. Even more tragic, there is judgment and ridicule and reaching out for help becomes a weapon in the hands of the church.

It should not be this way, but it is. I have heard this story time and time again; and so while at a recent conference I was not surprised to hear of another woman whose Pastor-husband has a pornography problem. She lives with his secret sin every day of her marriage.

Another woman lives with the knowledge her husband -who serves in their church- has quietly committed adultery. While he has repented and returned to her, she bears his sin daily in her heart. She cannot share what has happened to her as a result of his infidelity, and so she lives in a silent world of pain.

Both of the women outlined in these examples live with the pain and misery of bearing their husband's sinful actions. They love their husbands, they want to honor God, and they want to protect him and their family from scandal.  They understand that sin has far-reaching consequences, spilling over into the lives of innocent people who never thought they would be hurt in such a way by the man they love.

This two-part blog will address his secret sin. Today we will look at women whose husbands have ongoing secret sin. These women have no alternative other than the process outlined in Matthew 18 that begins with private biblical confrontation (Matt 18:15).  A wife is to urge her husband to repent for Christ's sake and the sake of His church. If he refuses to repent after a reasonable number of attempts and confrontations, she brings in one or two other men who would urge him to repent and forsake his sin. If after a reasonable number of attempts and confrontations he still refuses to repent, should offer to go with him to the other leaders of the church and confess (Matt.18:16-17). If he still refuses she must inform him that she has no choice but to go with the other men to the leadership of the church and tell them of his unrepentant sin. She should of course offer to go with him and stand by his side in support. However, if he refuses she must warn him and then go herself and tell the truth.

A wife cannot condone her husband's sin, especially if he is in a position of leadership in God's church. She can stand next to him and urge him to repent, she can walk with him through repentance and be his loving helpmate. She must rebuke him and she must correct him (2 Tim 3:16) and hold him accountable. And as hard as it may be, she must be willing to go to the church leaders alone and elicit their help for her unrepentant and sinning husband.

This does not make her unsubmissive, for a wife cannot obey her husband if he asks her to sin. God's commands supersede her husband's orders or requests for silence. At this point his sin is no longer secret and the couple should be surrounded with the love and compassion of the church. The ideal scenario is both people will enter into biblical counseling and accountability will be in place for the husband.

I wish I could say this is how things usually work out, but I can't. All to often the husband makes a false repentance or denies his sin altogether. Without evidence nothing can really be done to confront him; suspicion is not enough for an accusation to stick. The wife has to learn how to live with him the way he is until such a time he is exposed in his sin or he is proven to be repentant.

The wife should seek biblical counseling to help her to deal biblically with her responses to his sin. Very often a wife is tempted toward anger and bitterness toward him and toward God for allowing this to take place in her life.

If you find yourself in such a place today I recommend you go to our website and download the free pamphlet entitled, "The Victims Heart." It will help you to understand many of the pitfalls women encounter when dealing with issues like these.

Tomorrow we will deal with the other side of this coin- Carrying His Secret Sin.

There is No "Me" in Marriage

In my counseling and discipleship ministry I usually get the marriages that are in trouble. People don’t come when things are good. Typically, things have disintegrated to a point where one person may even be contemplating divorce. There are a plethora of reasons for marital discontent and I am trying to address a few of the common ones here.

In this “me” generation everyone is concerned with themselves. How can my needs be met? How can you please me? How can you serve me? Too many women go into marriage with the wrong believe that he is going to make them happy. When she realizes he is only human and a sinner just as she is and oh my word he is truly NOT concerned about meeting her needs all the time (because he is concerned about his needs being met) trouble brews quickly!

If this describes you, the first thing to understand right now is this: you are not obligated to receive but to provide for him. You are expected to be the giver of affection, grace, mercy, kindness, love, service, and everything else. The good news is that God requires the same thing of your husband toward you.

Your obligation in marriage is to provide for your spouse. A common complaint in difficult marriages is that he or she is not meeting my needs. What they are saying in part is he/she doesn’t spend time with me! Ladies, as gently as I know how I want to tell you that this is not a choice. Marriage is an act of live where you vow to meet each other’s legitimate needs for life.

We all have legitimate needs. We expect that when we marry that our spouse will love us and care for us and provide for us. We expect they will be our life-long mate and will be there when things are going wrong or we need help.

When you agree to marry someone, you are committing yourself to do these things for the rest of your life. This is not something to enter into for the supremely selfish. The problem for the marrieds we see is that maybe no one ever told them that! Each person goes into the marriage with an “it’s all about me” attitude and is unwilling to be the initiator in giving.

Contrary to popular belief, marriage is not a 50/50 relationship. It is a 100/100 relationship. Each of you has to be willing to give it all away. You have to give it all away and expect nothing in return. You do it because you agreed to in the beginning, and because doing it glorifies God.

Fundamental question: How can I glorify God and please Him?

You will glorify God by rightly pleasing your spouse. Sacrificial living for your spouse glorifies God. I have told women I counsel that to serve their husband no matter how ungrateful and selfish he is; brings God glory. They are to look at serving him as though they are serving Christ.

As I have said in previous posts, marriage is a Covenant of Companionship- it is a covenantal agreement to meet the real needs of your spouse for life on every level- sex, social, spiritual, etc. The Covenant of Marriage is a final binding act! (Ezek 18:8b) It is also a Covenant of God (Gen. 15:8-21).

Very often the couple went into marriage with the wrong idea or concepts of love and marriage.

Wrong idea of love- romantic love is not necessary for a strong biblical marriage. I know, that is very hard for some women to deal with, but if you want to think biblically you will have to accept this as truth. It is mostly women but an occasional man wrongly believes that love is strictly feeling oriented. They wrongly think that when the initial warm and fuzzy I-can’t-wait-to-be-with-you-every-moment-of-the-day feelings dissipate that there is no love left.  Nowhere does the Bible make romantic love grounds/basis for marriage.

This is true for entering into marriage and remaining married. Romantic love is largely the things fairy tales are made of; it is unsustainable over the long term because it is a feeling! There has to be more to a relationship than feelings of romantic love or the relationship will not survive.

Acts of love are permanently required despite how you feel about him. The word “love” is a verb. In 1 Cor 13 the word agape is used. Agape is love that is void of self.

Love, that is, affection or benevolence; specifically (plural) a love feast:—(feast of) charity ([-ably]), dear, love.

These actions of love are to be permanent. There is to be a continual stream of selfless love toward each other. Not ceasing when you don’t feel like it. A misconception born out of the idea that love is a feeling is that flowers and candy equal love. That sex equals love. Men and women do not routinely think of acts of service as loving or as necessary after marriage.

Unfortunately what we usually see is dating ceases after marriage, special days like Valentines and Sweetest Day go by the wayside, and eventually anniversaries are ignored. I have heard of couples who buy their own Christmas and birthday gifts and tell their spouse what they bought!

Women take out the trash because the husband won’t. Husbands wash and iron their own clothes because their wife won’t. Now some might say these are not necessarily acts of love, but responsibilities. I think it is both. It is loving to do what is right and what is good for the other person you professed at one time to love for all time. A successful marriage requires giving of self toward the other person.

Think of the difference it would make in marriages if each person would put forth the effort to show acts of love daily. My husband brings me tea in bed every morning. It is his act of love toward me. It is a sacrifice for him, to take the dogs out at 5 am too, and at midnight. But these are acts of love toward me and he expects nothing from me in return.

Giving of self is much more than giving of stuff. Giving of self is a willingness to be engaged emotionally with the other person. It means being open, honest and vulnerable. It means you will take a risk, and trust them with all that you are. In a marriage, it is the only way. 

Remove Your Own Logs

When dealing with a couple in marital difficulty, our goal is always to uncover the heart level problems that brought them to counseling. It is helpful for us to attempt to see the situation from their viewpoint.

I typically ask many questions of both people to get their perspective and opinion on issues. I may ask:

What do you think the cause is for problems in your marriage?

Each person has their own ideas on this and this question can be the catalyst for uncovering the whole smelly mess. I sure don’t want to initiate the blame game, so if you are going to try this you must talk only about yourself and not your spouse. Don’t get stuck in the “he said she said business,” and by all means, don’t make personal attacks on each other, but just state facts.

What episode was the last straw? Are you dealing with long standing issues or something new?

And what I want to know from both people I counsel is: What is your responsibility in this situation? Even if you don’t think you bear any responsibility, you do. Here is a way to approach this:

Draw a circle on a piece of paper that represents the total of the problems in your marriage. Then draw your percentage of responsibility for the problems in your marriage. Is it 20%, 40%, 80%? I find most people are reasonable; they are fairly split close to reality. I have had a few cases where one party was unwilling to accept little to no responsibility for the mess their marriage was in.

This circle exercise will give you a pretty clear idea on Matt 7, and how big the logs and specks issue is in both of you. Try making a list of your own “logs” rather than digging at the specs in your husband’s eye! As “helpful” as we want to make that whole issue of picking specs out of the eye of the man we love that is not our job. We women must stop playing Holy Spirit in the lives of our husbands and focus our attention at the sequoia trees floating down our own personal stream of life.

If you have a reasonable understanding of your responsibility then you can move on to correcting the issues you have.

If you have wrong ideas or understanding about things then the obvious solution is to correct them with Biblical truth. It is imperative that the Bible be your standard for responsibility, not personal experience or how either of you feels about it. There has to be an absolute standard that is unchangeable and the only one of its kind is the Bible. The Bible addresses all the problems of life and marriage and that is where you need to take them to discover the answers and correct error.

To try and correct your marital issues based on feelings, or current societal trends will not give you long term solutions, but will instead being like applying a band-aid to a cancerous sore. It may look better, and feel better, but the underlying problems remain and will only grow worse with time.

To simply modify your behavior, or grit your teeth and determine to just bear his wrongs or your misery is also no solution. If you truly wish to have a marriage that glorifies God and is full of rejoicing and wonder you will have to learn and apply biblical principles to your heart and life.

I must also say a word about the case of a person who knows right from wrong and is unwilling to change. How can such a person be helped if they are involved in willful sin? The truth is, all of us are involved in willful sin of one kind or another. The Christian has no legitimate excuse because we have been enabled not to sin by the Lord Jesus Christ. This is the blessing of grace and mercy in the life of a believer. God uses even our sinful actions and attitudes to change us into the image of Christ. However, as Paul says in Romans 6: 1-2 that we are not to keep on sinning that grace may abound.

Part of our transformation is to be in the process of putting off those old actions and attitudes of the heart (Eph. 4: 22-24) and put on the ones that reveal the Christ-likeness within us.

In the case where one person in a marriage knows what is right but refuses to change the willful sin must be addressed. Matthew 18 is the passage for correction and the results of refusing to repent and change from sin. The goal of Matt. 18 is always restoration not punishment. I personally find this heart-wrenching when there is one person in the marriage who wants to work hard at changing things and the other who says they do with their mouth but there is no actual willingness to make changes in long standing patterns. 

continued.... 

Marital Problems in Counseling

Much of the counseling we do at our center has to do with marital problems. In one respect or another it comprises 50-75% of our counseling.

I doubt you will be surprised to learn that Christian marriages have just as many problems as non-Christian ones which is a shame. The good news for us is that we have the answers in God’s Word that unbelievers do not have, we have the resources for change that they don’t have and the ability to change they don’t have.

It is great news for us that the Bible addresses the specific causes of marriage problems. God’s Word also has much to say about marriage and how it is to be conducted. Because sin or a sinful response is the root of all problems in marriage we can find the causes and the solutions in the spiritual realm rather than in psychological methodology.

There are some really obvious reasons we get marital counseling cases, and there are other reasons people tend not to think of until we bring them to the forefront.

For instance, could the problems stem from the reality that you really don’t know what is expected of you in marriage?

If a young couple doesn’t get good premarital counseling they are not going to know or understand the roles of the husband and wife in marriage. If they got saved after marriage they also won’t know what is expected of a godly husband or wife. By getting some good teaching and discipleship they will not only learn some new expectations but unlearn some old ones. If one or both people have not had good modeling at home they may not have a clue as to what is expected in a Christ-centered marriage. It is entirely possible in our culture that their only references for relationships are soap operas, MTV and bad movies. So the reasons may vary, but the end result is that husband and or wife may not know what is expected in marriage.

Do you know what is expected but don’t know how to do it? I have heard this many times in counseling. There is a breakdown in the transfer from understanding to action.

Because our country has emasculated our men, many of them have no idea how to be leaders of their families. Many young boys today are being raised by women so their only strong role models are women. They don’t know how to be men because no one ever taught them!

Another negative influence on our boys and men is that rap gangster culture so objectifying women and abusing them often also needs to be undone.

Overall, men are fearful of taking the headship role because they fear being accused by the feminists of holding women down. Sometimes it is because the man is just too lazy to learn how to lead.

A wife may have heard about submission and have no idea how to submit to her husband, even if he is a good leader. She may know about the external behaviors but not understand that it is a heart issue before it is a behavior. 

Is the cause that you do know what is expected but you are refusing to do what is right?

I wish that the usual reason for marital trouble was not knowing what is expected or how to do it, but unfortunately that is not the usual scenario. Often the cause of trouble in marriage is that one or the other knows what is expected of them but is refusing to do what is right. Willful disobedience to God and His commands for husbands and wives is a major problem in marriage.

Is the cause that you are struggling to overcome a sinful habit and you are not being successful?

Sometimes instruction in doing what is right is not enough and a person needs more intensive discipleship. It is very important to this process of change to understand that some people just need more time and attention than others. They may have the understanding of what to do, but not truly understand how to make it come to life. 

To be continued... 

(This series is adapted from RGCM's Track Training Material) 

My husband and I were recently in the greeting card section of a store and while browsing my eyes fell upon cards marked with headers to be given in situations like these:  "For Troubled Relationships," "Marriage In Trouble," "I Wish I Could Take That Back," "I Wish I Knew How To Say This" and various other headings along the same lines.

I suppose I should not be stunned by anything anymore, but I was at seeing this. How far away from God's ideals in relationships have we come when we send greeting cards to communicate our thoughts in the midst of difficult times? Have we truly come to the place in society where we have forgotten (or never learned) how to discuss our problems? Aren't we teaching kids how to make a confession?  What about courage and honor, and righteousness in people, does it exist anymore?

What are the marks of a healthy relationship?

• A healthy relationship has good communication. Good communication is both verbal and non-verbal, it is honest and open, it involves both listening and speaking.  Communication involves exchanging ideas and thoughts in a respectful and truthful way.

Talking is the primary method of communication and is to be done in a way that honors God.

Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person. Col. 4:6 (NASB)

How much of your speaking is gracious? Does your speech reflect the Lord's working in your heart? We all know the incredible power of the tongue, Scripture reminds us how we can build and destroy with it (James 3) and that it must be kept under the control of the Holy Spirit. Your mouth must be in submission to the Holy Spirit if you are to speak graciously to others.

There are times when you will have to say something very difficult to someone you love. You may have to confront them on sin or make confession of your own sin to them. In either case, what you say and how you say it will make all the difference in the outcome.

• A healthy relationship contains trust.  A belief that God will enable you to handle anything that must be addressed.  1 Corinthians 10:13 tells us that we will be enabled by God to deal with various trials of many kinds. This means the many "multi-faceted" issues that are described as common to man.  These would include everything from a confession of a little lie all the way to to adultery and murder. 

If two people in a relationship have so little trust in each other that a "greeting" card is the only way to communicate difficult or humbling things to the other, well then, there are some very deep issues that must be dealt with beyond the presenting problem!

Trust is initially granted and then maintained as each person proves themselves worthy of it. Trust is deposited and withdrawn according to the honestly and faithfulness of a person. Even so, I cannot believe there is ever a situation that would require a married couple to give a card in place of a verbal confession or humbling apology. Not among us, not among God's people.

Our calling is much higher than that, we have a great and mighty Savior who has enabled us to overcome anything and everything this life has to throw at us. In the end, we will even overcome death!

Relationships with other sinners require a relationship with the living God. Without Him we will be unable to rightly relate to others. The cross is the answer to our deepest and greatest need, redemption from sin and spiritual death. If you do not know Him, seek Him. Learn about Him, and pray you will be found by Him.

Reflections on Sin and Grace

But may it never be that I would boast, except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, through which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world. Galatians 6:14 (NASB)

We had communion in church Sunday and I was glad for it.  as I sat and listened to the Pastor talk about Jesus and His sacrifice for my sins and those sins of the people around me I was once again reminded, "I am not worthy of this."

In a world that is so focused on promoting how great we are, how wonderful we make ourselves out to be; I was profoundly thankful that I was reminded of exactly who and what I am: a terrible and wicked sinner in need of a Savior. My sin, were it piled up would reach to the outer limits of the galaxy and beyond.

My thoughts still run happily in the direction of wickedness, despite my 26 years of His life in me. Yes, He has changed me and yes, I am "better" than I once was but I am still far too sinful in my thought life. I remain critical and harsh, cynical and condescending... I am still so far from who I should be...I think.

Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellent and if anything is worthy of praise, think on these things. Philippians 4:8 (NASB)

My desires remain more worldly than I would like. Over the past several years I have trended toward simplicity, de-cluttering my home and curbing my desires for many things of the world.  This looks like having less and wanting less, buying only the necessities while still enjoying the fruits of our labor.

The greater concern I have are the spiritual desires. My heart is so fickle and idolatrous! I seem to chase one "love" after the next, despite my best intentions to read more, pray more, meditate more.  I follow my own way over and over again.


delight yourselves in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4 (NASB)

I love this verse because it contains a hidden promise. As I delight myself in Him, I will desire my own agenda and my own way less and less. He will replace my selfish desires with His own and as this happens my desires become His desires. My heart will desire the things of God.

My beliefs have certainly changed over these years! I am convinced of the sovereignty of God, His perfect plan for each of His children, His love, His faithfulness, and His goodness. I believe He is exactly who He says He is and that He will do what He promises to do.

Then why do I doubt? Why do I fear? DO I truly believe?


If I told you earthly things and you do not believe, how will you believe when I tell you heavenly things? John 3:12 (NASB)

I am not aware of a Christian who has not struggled with these questions of the heart. Our loving Father-God is so good to remind us of His faithfulness to us, in spite of our failings and sin.  Communion is always a precious time to examine ones heart and see what ugliness lurks there. It is a stark reminder of the blood and gore that paid the price for our sin. It brings us back down to reality.

It reminds us that we Christians need the gospel every single day. We need that cross...we need that cleansing blood specifically because we are not worthy. It is a blessed gift to us from Abba Father. We do not deserve it, we cannot earn it, we will never warrant it. It is all of sweet wonderful grace.


for the word of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved, it is the power of God. 1 Corinthians 1:18 (NASB)

Amen. 

Mind Reading

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:2 (NASB)

I do quite a bit of marriage counseling and addressing of relationship issues. One thing that is fairly consistent in troubled relationships is the problem of  mind reading. Mind reading is how I refer to the practice of assuming you know what the other person is thinking, or what they mean by what they say, how they say it, a look they give, or any other interpretation of an action.

This usually leads to one person being offended or angry at "what you meant by _______."  This begins the cycle of accusation, angry denial, attempts at explanation, refusal to accept the explanation and ultimately leads to secession of communication and a fractured relationship.

Women are fairly adept at coming to the wrong conclusions without all of the facts, a practice known as beguilement. Beguilement is a problem that plagues many women and is the culprit in more counseling problems than this one.

It is impossible to "know" what another person is thinking. To think or believe you "know" this information means you have the ability to read the mind of another person which is an aspect of divination or witchcraft; something the Bible expressly forbids!

I do understand that after living with someone for a number of years you grow to know their habitual responses and behavior patterns. It is reasonable to want to think you will always know what they mean by "that look" or a certain inference they give you. But those who are in a biblical counseling relationship are supposed to be engaged in the process of biblical change! This means that their thoughts, beliefs, and desires are being transformed and you cannot assume that you are correct in your conclusions about them any longer.

What I teach my counselee's who struggle with mind reading is to learn to ask questions of the other person. Rather than assuming you know what is on their mind, ask a question such as, "Can you tell me what you meant by what you just said? I am not sure I understand you."

This gives the other person the opportunity to explain what they meant, giving you information that will fill in the blanks in your thinking. It removes the need to assume.

Another way to go about it would be to say something like, "I thought I heard you say (repeat what you think they said), is that correct?"  This gives the person an opportunity to clarify or restate their sentence in a way you will understand.

When the other person tells you what they meant by what they said you are obligated to accept their answer as the truth. To do otherwise is to call them a liar, something Scripture also forbids.

These are such simple things to do yet so many of my counselee's struggle with it. We have forgotten or in most cases never learned how to ask questions of each other. Questions prick the conscience and cause us to look inward and examine our thoughts, beliefs, desires, and motives. Questions are an integral part of good biblical communication. Developing the skill of asking good questions takes much more time and effort than making assumptions and statements.

If upon self-examination you realize you have practiced this form of mind reading I encourage you to confess your sin to the person you have sinned against in this way. Ask their forgiveness and ask them to hold you accountable for the future. Be willing to submit yourself to accountability in this area as you ask the Lord to help you to glorify Him.

Salt and Light in a Bygone Age

I am pleased to present another post by my favorite guest-blogger, Pastor Bruce Roeder. He is a fellow Biblical Counselor and dear friend of ours. Bruce is Pastor of Discipleship at Missio Dei Fellowship in Kenosha, Wisconsin. 

I believe you will find these words challenging and encouraging! Recommend your husband to take a look!

Blessings...

This week our pastor started a series on biblical manhood. One of the things our pastor said is that he grew up in a Christian household at a time when biblical manhood was better modeled within the culture as a whole.

I think this means that intentionally or not men still had the idea that men and women were different and had different roles. For example in our day (my wife and I are in our 50’s) we knew “ the man is the head of the home.” We “knew this” because our parents “knew this” and even if they didn’t know what that meant biblically nor how to apply it fully they at least “knew it” as a principle.

I think there were lots of things our parents “knew” even if they didn’t specifically know what the Bible said or where it said it. It seems that back in their day the culture was more “Christianized” than secularized.

Here’s some positive examples.

1. Our parents did not, would not divorce.

Without going into details there were circumstances on both sides of the family that could have easily led to divorce. In each case the scenario involved one of the partners being the stronger and sticking with the weaker. To them this meant coping or in biblical terms being long suffering. In both cases the Bible was not used; yet the principle of stick-with-it-ness was in force. This is in deep contrast to today when people divorce (if they bother to get married in the first place) for the slightest of self-centered reasons.

Years later when my wife and I married and not yet Christians the principle of stick-with-it-ness would come into play. By the grace of God we held it together but it was our parent’s attitude of stick-with-it-ness that God used. In this way they were salt and light.

They would have also seen marriage as between one man and one woman. They would have also seen that sex within marriage was the only proper expression of sex. I do not know whether they were chaste or not before marriage. What I do know is that if they were not they would have known it was wrong.

This is not the case today where many grow up in the shadow of the relativism of my generation, an “ism” that my wife and I also experienced in the late 60’s and 70’s.

2. Our parents always had jobs and our fathers were always considered the main bread winners.

Our parents were products of the Great Depression and World War 2. Tom Brockaw called the generation the greatest because of the sense of responsibility, the sense of patriotism, the sense of sacrifice and the sense of “common sense.”

My mom was too young for WW2 being just 15 when the war ended but the other three parents all served in the US Army. The country as a whole saw there was a job to do and they did it.

This meant that the whole country had a stake in the war. Everyone sacrificed and everyone knew someone in the military. The goal was to win, to come home and raise a family.

Today we are isolated from war. Our wars are fought by volunteers and the folks back home have little idea of sacrifice, nor is the goal necessarily to win the war and come home and raise a family. (Thank God for our brave volunteers.)

When the war ended our parents all got jobs although there were periods of time in both cases where mom was at home with the kids. In my case, my mom stayed home with my sister and I until I was well into my teens. The “work and responsibility” principles were instilled in both my wife and I. She had a job at 14 and I had one at 15. If we wanted to go to college then we’d better pay our own way. Our parents simply didn’t think in terms of “free lunch” and they passed on the work ethic to us.

I remember that I wanted to play baseball in High School. My mom thought I should have a job. I was also interested in girls. My mom helped me decide between job and baseball by telling me in no uncertain terms that my parents had no intention of paying for my dates. Prior to this conversation I had no idea that money had something to do with going on dates!

The principle of “you work” then “you play” was part of their way to teach their idiot son the responsibility of work and paying your own way in life.

One of the other biblical principles our parents handed down was an aversion to debt and a corresponding plan to have something in the bank. In their day the goal was to save for a house and to make as large a down payment as possible. The government was not going to help you unless you were a G.I. and could get a G.I. loan. This was meant as a thank you from a grateful country for their service.

Even with that kind of help the mentality of save what you could encouraged hard work and responsible home buying just as it discouraged impulse buying and credit card debt. I recall my folks telling me at age 18 to get a credit card but only to show I had a good credit rating. They further counseled that I should pay the card off within 30 days as this would avoid interest. This is a practice we’ve continued to this day. The credit card companies make little from us.

I also remember buying our first house. Conventional wisdom was you had to have at least a 10-20% down payment and that your payments including property taxes should never exceed what you take home in a week. The reasoning was buy only what you need and buy only what can you afford within the above boundaries.

This is in contrast to when we sold our first home and moved into a condo. We needed to roll over very little by the way of a loan and we were flabbergasted when the bank officer encouraged us to borrow all the way up to what we could have borrowed-a number 5x what we needed! Her counsel was, “you know you can afford something much bigger.” Huh?

Our parents were salt and light in their financial priorities and my wife and I benefitted from them.

3. A third area of influence was religion.

Our parents were influenced by the prevailing cultural norms of their time and one of those norms was “there is a God” and unless you were Jewish you were a Christian of some sort. What that meant to any degree depended on the individual and the seriousness by which they thought it through. Never-the-less, there was a God and that meant something in-so-far as right and wrong was concerned. There was a prevailing Judeo-Christian ethic drawn from the Old and New Testament. Our parents could not have said where it was but they did know it was there and they had a sense that ethic was of God.

This did not mean they always did right. What it did mean is that they had some idea of what right and wrong was and our parents modeled this knowledge in an imperfect way just like everybody else.  But at least the ethic was there and it was known.

Today ethical lines are blurred so much that many do not even know there is a right and wrong so everyone does what is right in their own eyes.

I remember clashing with my father on this issue. My wife and I grew up during the Vietnam War and the great social upheaval in the period. As teenagers we would have thought Woodstock was cool and all that meant and would have thought favorably on hippies and whatever that meant to our juvenile minds. Suffice to say that much would clash with the Judeo-Christian ethics of our parents.

I remember an English teacher in 1969 telling us that “values are relative man.” This essentially meant to do what is right in your own eyes because everything is relative. I remember spouting this nonsense to my dad (probably in regards to me getting a job) and I also remember him blowing his cork and him telling me that as snotty nosed 15-year-old that I didn’t know anything and that hopefully when I grew up I’d know better. My dad was tough, but fair. I got the job and had to contribute something to the car insurance after I got a license as well as pay for my dates and gas.

Our parents religious values for the most part reflected what we’d call traditional values and many of those values were rooted in Scripture whether they knew it or not.

All this adds up to say that things are different today and certainly our story is not exactly the same as others in our generation. I think it also adds up to mean that the culture as it has changed over the last 50 years has influenced the church far more than the other way around.

In other words the church has lost much of its saltiness (influence).

“You are the salt of the earth, but if salt has lost its taste, how shall its saltiness be restored? It is no longer good for anything except to be thrown out and trampled under people's feet.“You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. [15] Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. [16] In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.(Matthew 5:13-16 ESV)

I’m glad to go to a church that seeks to be salt and light. The men is an excellent place to start.