The High Cost of Forgiveness Part 2 Repentance

Yesterday we began to look at the high cost of forgiveness. We could not discuss forgiveness without first learning about what confession and repentance consists of. Yesterday's post ended with this thought: When you seek forgiveness from someone, the expectation is that you have repented of your sin. To repent means to turn away from that sin. The Greek word, metanoia means a radical change of mind for the better; to abhor your past sin; hate it so much that you run the other way from it.

Repentance is not optional in the life of a true Christian, it is required. The Lord Jesus began His earthly ministry with the call to repent (Matt. 4:17) and the apostles were charged to preach repentance as well (Luke 24:47).

Sorrow is an important part of repentance. Paul discusses two kinds of sorrow in his second letter to the Corinthians.

For though I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it; though I did regret it—for I see that that letter caused you sorrow, though only for a while— I now rejoice, not that you were made sorrowful, but that you were made sorrowful to the point of repentance; for you were made sorrowful according to the will of God, so that you might not suffer loss in anything through us. For the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation, but the sorrow of the world produces death. For behold what earnestness this very thing, this godly sorrow, has produced in you: what vindication of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what longing, what zeal, what avenging of wrong! In everything you demonstrated yourselves to be innocent in the matter. 2 Corinthians 7:8-11 (NASB)

First let's deal with the sorrow of the world. Worldly sorrow is sorrow that is centered on self. It is the sorrow one experiences when they are caught or exposed for their sin.  It is the sorrow of getting caught with your hand in the cookie jar. A child is always sorry when this happens, but their sorrow is not repentant, it is punitive. The child knows they will be punished and that is what their sorrow is about. If the child had not been caught the behavior would have continued.  Worldly sorrow is really remorse and has no redemptive quality and will produce no good fruit in the life of a person. Typically when caught pride is bruised (because we think we are too smart for that to happen) the person is then denied what they wanted, and their lust goes unfulfilled.

Worldly sorrow is not redemptive and because it is not redemptive it leads to guilt and shame, despair and self-pity, depression and hopelessness.

When I kept silent about my sin, my body wasted away Through my groaning all day long. For day and night Your hand was heavy upon me; My vitality was drained away as with the fever heat of summer. Psalm 32:3-4 (NASB)

On the other hand, godly sorrow is redemptive and is first of all evidence of a person being united with Christ. Godly repentance proves a person's salvation is real.  Repentance is the result of conviction at the heart level that what they have been doing is wrong and sinful. They are cut to the heart and grieved at what they have done, and how their sin has offended a Holy God. Very often, a repentant person knows that confessing their sin will expose their activities and that other people will become aware of what they have done. While they regret the pain this causes people who may be hurt by their confession, they understand and accept this as a natural consequence of sinful actions.


I acknowledged my sin to You, And my iniquity I did not hide; I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the LORD”; And You forgave the guilt of my sin. Psalm 32:5 (NASB) 

When there is true repentance for sin there is evidence of that decision in the form of visible fruit or new results of that decision to change. This means the behavior does not continue. There is no return to the sinner's former way of life. The motive is to bring God glory by how life is lived. True repentance is visible as a person  now is pursuing righteousness in all aspects of their life. Their conversations are different, their actions are different, their goals are different, all because their heart has been changed.

Sin is no longer acceptable to them, especially the sin that led to the repentance in the first place. There is shame and anger at their previous behavior, a true disgust for all they were involved in. They may become crusaders for righteousness in the area of previous sin. Many wonderful ministries have been born as a result of repentance! I can think of several who out of their repentance began ministries to combat sexual immorality, drunkenness, pornography, rebellion...these are all fruit of repentance!

We will continue our discussion on repentance next time!

The High Cost of Forgiveness Part 1: Confession and Repentance

"I forgive you."  We all long to hear those three words from the person we have offended or sinned against. Being forgiven is critical in restoring relationships and healing wounds between friends and family members.

If you have been a reader of this blog for any length of time, you have previously read the biblical way to confess your sin to another person and ask their forgiveness. For the sake of those who have not seen those posts I will give you a brief outline here:

When you sin against someone in word or in deed and are convicted of your sin by the Spirit of God, you are obligated to go to them and confess your sin to that person (Matt. 5:23-24). An important caveat is that the one to whom you are confessing must already be aware of the sin.  You must never confess sin and seek forgiveness from a person who was not aware of being sinned against.

For example: If you gossiped about "Jane" to "Betty" you do not go to Jane and tell her you gossiped about her to Betty. The person to go to is Betty! Betty is the one you sinned against by gossiping with her, and she is the one who needs to hear your confession and she is the one from whom you must seek forgiveness.

Jane is blissfully unaware you have gossiped about her! To tell Jane you gossiped with Betty would only cause her pain, and that is wrong and unnecessary. You would actually be doing more harm than good by such an action. Now, if for some reason Jane would become aware of your gossip through other means and then confront you on gossiping about her, you would then have confess your sin of gossip and seek her forgiveness as well.

The principle is that the scope of confession is as great as the scope of offense. You only confess to the person you sinned with or against. You only seek forgiveness from the person you hurt or offended.

The correct way to confess your sin is: (Name) I sinned against you when I (state what you did). I was wrong, will you please forgive me?"  The absolute wrong way is to say, "I apologize" or "I'm sorry." To say you apologize leaves out any confession and is void of any accountability or measure of repentance. An apology also does not contain a request for forgiveness from the offended person. Apologies are essentially worthless to restore relationships.

Being sorry is nice, it is an expression of regret on your part that you hurt someone. However, simply saying "I'm sorry" does nothing to admit the sin, reconcile the relationship, or ask forgiveness for what you did wrong.

When you seek forgiveness from someone, the expectation is that you have repented of your sin. To repent means to turn away from that sin. The Greek word, metanoia means a radical change of mind for the better; to abhor your past sin; hate it so much that you run the other way from it.

Repentance is not optional in the life of a true Christian, it is required. The Lord Jesus began His earthly ministry with the call to repent (Matt. 4:17) and the apostles were charged to preach repentance as well (Luke 24:47).

When there is true repentance for sin there is evidence of that decision, there is visible fruit. We will pick up here next time.

Who is in Charge?

Dear Reading Friends, 

Please enjoy these posts by my friend and fellow Biblical Counselor, Pastor Bruce Roeder of Missio Dei Fellowship in Kenosha, Wisconsin. I am taking a few days "off" this week! 

Blessings. 

In 1976 Israeli commandos landed in Uganda at the Entebbe airport after Palestinian and German terrorists hijacked an Air France airplane and flew it to Uganda's airport at Entebbe. The commando's landed to safe the hostages in a bold move since Uganda was friendly to the terrorists.

The operation while bold was also very successful considering what could have happened. Unfortunately the leader of the raid  Lt. Col. Yonaten Netanyahu, older brother of Israel's Benjamin Netanyahu was killed during the later stages of the operation. Netanyahu's second in command took over the rest of the operation thus finding himself in the position of inescapable leadership.

As far as I know Pastor Doug Wilson coined the terms inescapable leadership in his book Reforming Marriage where he uses the concept to explain that the husband is the one who finds himself in the position of inescapable leadership once he marries.

This is not because the husband's officer has been wounded or killed and now he is in charge. It is because God has placed him in charge whether the husband wants to be in charge or not.

Wilson makes a central point in regards to this concept. He says that people often confuse imperatives (commands) in Scripture with indicatives (statements that describe the way things are.)

Husbands are commanded (an imperative) to love their wives as Christ loved the church (Eph. 5:25) but are already in charge of the home because God says so (1 Cor. 11:3).

For some reason the modern church does not even take imperatives seriously much less understanding the difference between an imperative and an indicative. I remember talking with a family, the wife in particular about the wife being submissive to her husband. She acted as if it were an option that she could take or leave. Her analysis was she could take or leave the imperative to submit as if obedience were some how items on a menu and one was free to chose only those items that had appeal.

Indicatives however just describe how things are. The very first indicative in Scripture is Genesis 1:1, "in the beginning God created the heavens and the earth." God is not saying how or why in the verse he is creating; he is just indicating (indicative) that he did create the heavens and the earth. It's a fact. One can object to the statement and say that creation came about through some sort of other process but saying that does not change the fact Scripture simply says God created, an indicative of biblical reality.

Sometimes men and women do not like the indicative fact that men are declared the head of the home. Frankly, the notion that men are the head of the home is not popular and like the woman above who accurately surmised that submissiveness was connected with her husband as head of the home she then goes on to some how deny it in practice. In her case it was pretending it was some sort of an option rather than a command (imperative) clearly linked to the indicative (1 Cor. 11:3).

And to add fuel to the denial fire feminism and evangelical egalitarianism further assists women men and men in denying what God says in practical ways.

In the case of worldy feminism the idea of the husband as being head of the family is clearly nonsense and a relic left over from a by-gone day when women were under the thumbs of a male-dominated culture.

In the case of evangelical egalitarianism the Scripture is reinterpreted to mean something more akin to their liking which always amounts to a watering down of what headship means.

These are significant obstacles to over come because they become entrenched as truth and unless a woman  is open to sound teaching the man is always going to have a battle on his hands since she will never see it the way Scripture sees it. As a counselor I can tell you that is a big deal since impasses do not amount to following the Lord.

But men too often do not like the idea of headship and treat it as an ignorable imperative. To acknowledge headship means to go against the grain of worldly feminism and evangelical egalitarianism and if one's wife is in one of those camps (or just plain disobedient) he knows a battle looms large.

The man then takes on a "fear of woman" attitude and simply lets her have her way. If he's spiritual about it he'll gloss it over by being a nice guy thinking it's better to be nice than it is to follow the Scripture. This is not speaking the truth in love (Eph. 4:15). It's cowardice.

But the question may still remain, why is inescapable leadership an indication of why it is like it is. The answer lies in the creation order. Man was created first (an indicative) and woman second (indicative) and Paul uses the indicatives to explain the commands (imperatives) in 2 Timothy 2:8-15.

Now once again, men and women may not like that for a variety of reasons which is why a considerable amount of ink is spent trying to redefine indicatives and imperatives for modern ears. But for those who see what Paul is after it can mean a relationship between husband and wife that is more in harmony with God's desires and that in turn can mean a more harmonious home in general.

Often times women do get what the Scripture means and says and how they should apply it but they suffer from being married to a dunderhead who either leads like an authoritarian jerk or does not lead at all. In either case she struggles to obey her own command to respect her husband (Eph. 5:33) because she realizes due to the creation order that he will always dominate the relationship.

If he dominates harshly like a dunderhead his home will be a home of fear and everyone will do whatever they can to avoid him and his harshness. If he dominates the relationship by not being there because he's a work-a-holic or play-a-holic he still dominates by virtue of his absence. It's not a healthy dominance but he is indeed the dominator.

Even if the husband is a chronic abdicator in his inescapable headship he still dominates the home with his wimpiness.

Paul gives a picture in Ephesians 5:22-33 where he compares marriage between a husband and wife to the relationship that Christ has with his church. This means that marriage, with the husband in the position of inescapable leadership is always saying something about the relationship Christ has with his church.

As the world looks on husbands, you speak for Christ. You either do that well as Christ loved the church or you communicate something else entirely. The choice is yours but either way you are in the position of inescapable leadership and are saying something about Christ and his church.

And wives, I do not know what it has been like in your home but you too must realize that your husband is in the position of inescapable leadership. You too have a choice. You can help him lead, you can be his best friend and lover, you can follow what God says for the glory of God or you can fight God's word and your husband every step of the way. Your home will either reflect the picture of Christ and the church or it will reflect something else and something else is never a pleasing aroma rising to the heavens (Eph. 5:1-2)

Inspiration for this series comes from the Bible and from Pastor Doug Wilson who wrote Reforming Marriage, Canon Press, 1995. Further inspiration also comes from my own pastor and friend Matt Henry of Missio Dei Fellowship in Kenosha, WI who faithfully and tirelessly preaches the Word every week. http://www.sermonaudio.com/source_detail.asp?sourceid=tbckenosha

Who is Responsible?

Dear Reading Friends, 

Please enjoy these posts by my friend and fellow Biblical Counselor, Pastor Bruce Roeder of Missio Dei Fellowship in Kenosha, Wisconsin. I am taking a few days "off" this week! 

Blessings. 

If my wife and I have a favorite restaurant it's probably Applebees. She loves the variety on the menu and I love the steak-shrimp parmesan and order it each time we go and we probably go to Applebees once a month for a treat.

But recently I had surgery and am immobile for six weeks meaning we’d have to skip our monthly visit. However, the last time we were there I noticed they had car side service where you could call ahead and still score your favorite Applebees dish. I thought that since our anniversary was coming up and I'll still be laid up it might be a good idea to use the car side service twice, once to try out and once for our anniversary.

So last Friday we decided to give it a shot and my wife called in our order. She tried something new which is kind of predictable while I went with my only choice of steak-shrimp parmesan. Yes, my wife is the interesting one willing to try new foods while I am the boring one quite content with my steak-shrimp parmesan.

She was told to pick the food up in twenty minutes at 7:00 P.M.. We thought this was great since Applebees is only 10 minutes from our house and we'd be enjoying our order shortly.

At 7:45 I call my wife wondering what in the world has happened and praying she was not in an accident. She picks up her cell phone and tells me she is on her way home and had just left Applebees.

She explains our food order was twice delayed and she had to wait the extra forty-five minutes. She said she almost told them to forget it. I'm glad she didn't since even though it was late I had the craving for my steak-shrimp parmesan! Once she got the food home we noticed the order was slightly wrong and the steak was not cooked as requested. Our favorite restaurant lost something of the A+ rating we had given it.

My wife told me that the young car side server was beside himself making apologies and that she felt sorry for him. He even asked at one point if she would have liked to see the manager but she said no. She then made an interesting observation.

Why did the young server have to ask if she wanted to see the manager when the manager should have been the one out at car side doing what he could making the situation right? After all whose restaurant was it, the manager's or the 17-year-old kid making clumsy but heart-felt apologies?

Some may point out that perhaps it was the young server's fault the food was late because he was the one taking the orders and he underestimated the wait time. Perhaps this was so and if true the young man was guilty of the offense. However, it still was the manager's responsibility for the entire fiasco. Why? Because he is the steward of that particular Applebees and whatever happens at that Applebees reflects his stewardship of the resources he had been entrusted with, including the training of the young man and quality of the food.

The same is true in marriage. The wife or children may be guilty of some sin or bad behavior but it is the husband who is responsible for whatever fiasco results from the sin or bad behavior. Why? Because the husband is the head of home (1 Cor. 11:3) just as the manager is the head of an Applebees restaurant.

I know that this offends many ears. Feminism and other cultural influences have undermined biblical principles and commands to the point where men think their headship is some sort of option when it is not. When a man marries he is the head of the home. The only question is how. Is he the kind of steward of the home who lets the 17-year-old son cover for him or lets his wife stay in her sin or is he the kind of steward who takes responsibility and does what is in his power to make it right?

There are multiple reasons why this is biblically so. One is found in 1 Tim. 3:4-5 where Paul discusses the qualifications for being an elder. Paul writes:

He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive, for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God’s church? 1 Tim. 3:4-5. NASB

Paul is telling elder wannabees and teaching the church that an elder must have an exemplary life (not a perfect one). He must be exemplary in his personal life and one of the main ways to observe this is by looking at his family. Is the household managed well? If the answer is no then the apostle says the man has no business managing the church.

If we look at this passage and the headship issue and think, man this is harsh, then it only goes to show just how far we’ve slipped from embracing what God's word clearly teaches. The husband is the head of the home and responsible for what goes on there and for that matter what does go on and should not go on.

The terms "under control" are important. Paul is not saying the steward/manager is controlling. He is saying the household must be under control. There is a difference although some men don't grasp that.

Under control in the Greek has a military connotation. At the time of the apostle's writing the prime example of a disciplined "under control" army was the Roman legion. The smallest maneuver unit in the legion was a century of 80 soldiers. To keep each century under control each century had a centurion and it was his job to make sure the century did what it was supposed to do. If he did not then guess who was responsible? He was!

We get a nice glimpse of what this means in Matthew 8:5-13 where a centurion, commander of 80 seeks Jesus out in order to ask Jesus to heal his servant (probably one of his soldiers). Jesus agrees to come but the centurion says that he knows what it means to be under authority since he is responsible for 80 soldiers who respond to his authority. That's how he keeps order in the century. Jesus is impressed by the centurion's faith saying he has not found such faith in all of Israel and so heals the servant from a distance.

Much could be said about the centurion including the fact the man had compassion on his soldiers just as he had authority over them. The Scripture does not say but I dare say his men probably followed him gladly and with enthusiasm because they knew how serious he took his responsibilities and how he had their best interests at heart.

And so it ought be with the Christian husband. Yes, he has authority but it is a delegated authority from God who declares him head of the home. Like the centurion that headship and authority are not mutually exclusive from compassion and a tender warrior style of leadership in the home.

Titus 1:6 adds a bit more to what the end goal looks like:

 "...namely, if any man is above reproach, the husband of one wife, having children who believe, not accused of dissipation or rebellion. " Titus 1:6, NASB

Here the apostle tells us that the cumulative effect of a exemplary personal life is to be above reproach.

This does not mean "mistake proof" nor "sin proof." It means that the above reproach husband-leader-manager takes responsibility for his sins and mistakes and for the order of his family-military unit-restaurant and seeks to make things when right when it is within his power to do so.

This is contrary to many men who either abdicate (very common) their responsibilities or act in an authoritarian jerk mode (less common but common enough).

On the receipt we received from Applebees there was an invitation to go to their website and take part in a customer service survey. Ah, ha I thought, here is the corporate manager seeking to hold his store managers accountable for something. I think I'll speak my mind (in love of course).

The website also said that if you take the survey you might win an Ipad so I thought well that would be a bonus and a fine way for them to make it right.

 I took the survey and related the story of the sorry car side service we received from our local Applebees. I have not heard from them yet apart from knowing I did not win the Ipad. I am hopeful that someone steps up and does what they can to make it right even if that just means an apology from a manager who should have stepped up in the first place and set an example for his restaurant help including a 17-year-old car side server who could not stop apologizing.

Men, our responsibility is before the Lord. Step out in faith like the centurion and lead your family in such a way that all see you are above reproach an follow Christ.

Inspiration for this series comes from the Bible and from Pastor Doug Wilson who wrote Reforming Marriage, Canon Press, 1995. Further inspiration also comes from my own pastor and friend Matt Henry of Missio Dei Fellowship in Kenosha, WI who faithfully and tirelessly preaches the Word every week. http://www.sermonaudio.com/source_detail.asp?sourceid=tbckenosha

What's That Smell?

Dear Reading Friends, 

Please enjoy these posts by my friend and fellow Biblical Counselor, Pastor Bruce Roeder of Missio Dei Fellowship in Kenosha, Wisconsin. I am taking a few days "off" this week! 

Blessings. 

Our condo association sits adjacent to a large park and field that the train tracks run through. We're not rural but there is enough woods and fields around to sometimes give the feel you are outside the city.

When the windows are open we get to listen to the sounds of the city and the country. We can listen to the trains headed to their far-away destinations or we can listen to the airplanes either landing or taking off from nearby Mitchell Field.

At night other sounds waft their way into the house. It's not infrequent for us to hear the coyotes fighting over something right around the time the 1:00 A.M. train rumbles through. Maybe they are irritated that the train woke them up.

These sounds can be minor irritations at 1:00 A.M. in the morning but there is something else that can come through the window that is not a sound at 1:00 A.M. and goes way beyond a minor irritation and that is the smell of a skunk coming through the window.

In his book Reforming Marriage Pastor Doug Wilson asks Christian husbands what the odor of their homes is. He uses the analogy of people visiting your home and asking what do they smell when entering; the pleasant odor of baking bread or does it smell like something crawled under the efrigerator and died (like one of those nasty skunk odors coming through the window).

He uses Ephesians 5:1-2 to make a spiritual point:

Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. 2 And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. Eph. 5:1-2, ESV

Wilson said that it's the husband's responsibility to account for whatever odor the house smells of. This doesn't mean the husband needs to be a baker although he certainly could be! What it means is that the husband as the head of home has the responsibility to be an example of Christ-like love. To walk in Christ is to walk in love and when that is done it sends up a fragrant aroma offering to God as well as

driving that nasty skunk from the premises.

The question of "how" usually comes to mind when we receive a command to walk in love. Men seem particularly clumsy with the idea since we sometimes simply identify love as some kind of touchy-feely thing we need to conjure up.

But biblical love is action oriented; it has more to do with doing than it does with feeling. Not surprisingly the Bible gives us action verses that help define what it means to walk in love.

Take for example Ephesians 4:15:

Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, Eph. 4:15, ESV

What this means is that within the home the action of love looks like speaking the truth. The problem in many Christian marriages is that the husband knows little to no truth so how is he to speak truth to his wife and children? Why is it men that often it is our wives who attend the Bible studies and make the extra effort to learn truth? As head of the home men it is your responsibility to speak truth but you have

to know truth before you can speak it effectively.

Hebrews 6:10 shows us another action of love in action:

For God is not so unjust as to overlook your work and the love that you showed for his sake in serving the saints, as you still do.

Men often confuse leadership with command, as in pushing others around. This is not love. It's stupidity at best and destructive to relationships at worst. The husband loves by serving the saints and in the home this means serving the wife and the children with his leadership. Like his Savior's leadership his love in serving is not harsh, vindictive, mean-spirited or crabby. Like the Savior's yoke, the husband's

yoke is easy. Husbands, if your wife is not following nor your children obeying then first check the kind of yoke you've placed around their necks.

Love as an action also covers other people's faults:

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Pe. 4:8, ESV

The love action of overlooking anther's sin can be abused as a husband abdicates his responsibility to lead his wife and children. Too many husbands take the path of least resistance when it comes to confronting their wives or children when serious sin needs to be confronted. This is not love; it's cowardice.

The verse does not relieve husbands of their responsibilities, rather it teaches the husband to hold his responsibilities with an eye of discernment. Not everything needs to be confronted. Some husbands are so confrontational about others faults their homes smell like gulags. To overlook anther's sin means to overlook sins against himself if possible and always be willing to be quick to forgive (Eph. 4:32).

1 Corinthians 3:7 speaks of the degree in which love is an action:

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Cor. 13:7, ESV

Let's face it; others can be annoying, even a wife or children can be annoying with their countless problems and quirkiness. Paul says that the action of love endures the countless problems and quirkiness of others. This of course is not always easy nor should the verse be taken to mean that chronic problems or quirkiness that is downright sinful be over looked.

What it does mean is that a husband must realize that he too is annoying and that he too has countless problems and that he, like the apostle ranks as the chief of sinners. The husband leads from the position of humility that understands that annoying does not necessarily mean sinful.

The husband leader is called to exemplify Christ and follow Him:

Greater love has no one than this that someone lays down his life for his friends. 14 You are my friends if you do what I command you.

Jesus laid down his life for his friends; he sacrificed himself on their behalf. This speaks to the degree of love expected of husbands to their wives. If laying down his life is that ultimate sacrifice then how much easier is it for the husband to endure all things, bear all things, believe all things and hope all things?

It is love in action that produces a fragrance that rises to heaven and pleases God. It's ignoring the how-to's of love in action that produces the smell of a skunk under your refrigerator.

Husbands, which are you providing?

Inspiration for this series comes from the Bible and from Pastor Doug Wilson who wrote Reforming Marriage, Canon Press, 1995. Further inspiration also comes from my own pastor and friend Matt Henry of Missio Dei Fellowship in Kenosha, WI who faithfully and tirelessly preaches the Word every week. http://www.sermonaudio.com/source_detail.asp?sourceid=tbckenosha

Want to Change Lives?

            Christian leaders, pastors, counselors, and educators are passionate about equipping God’s people for every-member-ministry. However, they’re tired of seeing great effort expended on “programs” that don’t launch, don’t last, or don’t result in leaving a legacy of loving leaders.

            That’s why Dr. Bob Kellemen wrote Equipping Counselors for Your Church so leaders can implement a biblical, field-tested, best-practice approach to equipping God’s people for one another ministry. His “4E” ministry training strategy of envisioning, enlisting, equipping, and empowering godly ministers for one-another ministry is not another program, but a relational, biblical GPS that each ministry can use creatively in their unique setting.

Changing Lives with Christ’s Changeless Truth

      Pastors are hungry for a comprehensive, real-world approach to equipping God’s people for the personal ministry of the Word—as biblical counselors, care-givers, spiritual friends, elders, deacons, small group leaders, disciplers, or mentors. Leaders want to change lives. However, for most church leaders, the training process can seem overwhelming—vision casting confusion, change management struggles, recruiting headaches, quality of care matters, training material questions, supervisory difficulties, legal issues, and other legitimate, complex concerns often derail the equipping process.

      Equipping Counselors for Your Church assists leaders to equip people confidently, wisely, lovingly, and biblically. The book is like a personal conversation with a private consultant—coming alongside readers, walking step-by-step, hand-in-hand, to equip leaders to fulfill their Ephesians 4:11-16 calling to empower the Body of Christ to change lives with Christ’s changeless truth.

      God’s people long to be unleashed and mobilized for the personal ministry of the Word. Increasingly, they are committed to doing the work of the ministry. God’s people want to change lives. They care, but they feel ill-equipped to care like Christ. They want to know what to do after the hug. They know the Bible says they are competent to counsel (Romans 15:14), but they also know that the Bible calls them to be equipped to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:11-16).

      Equipping Counselors for Your Church seeks to launch a revolution in every-member ministry. The book’s 4E Ministry Training Strategy offers a 21^st Century best-practice manual for Christ-centered, church-based, comprehensive, compassionate, and culturally-informed mobilization of the priesthood of all believers. It assists churches to become places not simply with biblical counseling ministries, but of biblical counseling. The goal is not the production of yet another program or yet another ministry on the sidelines. The goal is the promotion of a congregation-saturated mindset of every-member ministry with an entire congregation passionate about and equipped to make disciples.

Equipping Counselors for Your Church: The 4E Ministry Training Strategy

By Robert W. Kellemen, Th.M., Ph.D., LCPC and P & R Publishing

Book Review: Equipping Counselors for Your Church: The 4E Ministry Training Strategy

I recently had the pleasure of previewing a fantastic new resource for those interested in how to equip others for the work of Biblical Counseling and Discipleship. Our work goes by many names, but it is essentially intensive biblical discipleship. 

Bob Kelleman's new book may just be the most complete resource I have encountered on how to equip others for this task.  Here is an interview with Bob regarding his new book! 


Question: “Bob, what’s the big idea behind Equipping Counselors for Your Church? What would you like readers to take away from the book?”

BK: “I had two assumptions as I wrote the book. First, pastors, counselors, and educators are passionate about equipping God’s people for every-member ministry as biblical counselors. Second, they are tired of seeing great effort expended on ‘programs’ that don’t launch, don’t last, or don’t result in leaving a legacy of loving leaders. So am I. That’s why in Equipping Counselors for Your Church I offer a biblical, field-tested, best-practice approach to equipping God’s people for biblical counseling. As a result of reading the book, readers will be able to apply to their unique setting the ‘4E’ ministry training strategy of envisioning God’s ministry, enlisting God’s ministers for ministers, equipping godly ministers, and empowering godly ministers for ministry.”

Question: “What motivated you to write Equipping Counselors for Your Church?”

BK: “By God’s grace, I’ve had the joy of launching and leading biblical counseling equipping ministries in three very diverse churches. Then, for the past fifteen years I’ve had the privilege of teaching pastors and counselors the ‘4E’ process as a professor at Capital Bible Seminary. Additionally, for the last decade I’ve consulted with scores of churches about the launch process. In each situation, people kept saying, ‘Dr. Kellemen, you need to turn this material into a book. There’s nothing else out there like this that provides a practical map without becoming a one-size-fits-all strait-jacket.’ So, it was really pastors, church leaders, biblical counselors, and students who motivated me to write Equipping Counselors for Your Church.”

Question: “Is the book only for equipping ‘biblical counselors,’ or is there a larger, broader focus? Who should read Equipping Counselors for Your Church?”

BK: “In my classes and consulting, I’ve had students and church leaders use these ‘4E’ principles to plant churches, to launch small group ministries, to start women’s ministries, to begin para-church organizations, and more. The comprehensive, field-tested, best practice principles fit for anyone who wants to move from any ministry launch to ongoing ministry leadership. While the focus is on ‘biblical counseling,’ the broader emphasis is on equipping for one-another ministry so that every member is not only a minister, but a disciple-maker. Anyone interested in applying the 2 Timothy 2:2 process in their ministry would be the right ‘audience’ for the book.”

Question: “You note that in one sense you did not write this book alone, but with twenty-four best practice church partners. Tell us about how these two dozen leading churches impacted the book.”

BK: “I’m convinced that no one person can possibly outline a comprehensive approach to church equipping. So, I enlisted twenty-four friends to share their insights—in a multitude of counselors there is great wisdom. Among these two dozen churches are ‘mega-churches’ and ‘average size churches,’ and ‘small churches.’ There are churches that are predominantly Caucasian, African American, Asian American, and multi-cultural churches. I included urban, suburban, and rural churches. In every chapter I weave in their diverse insights that provide readers with a robust, relational GPS. In this way each church can apply the ‘4E’ principles in a way that uniquely fits their specific calling in their particular congregation and community.”

Question: “You’re not writing out of academic theory, but out of real-life pastoral experience. How has your experience equipping believers in three churches impacted your writing of the book?”

BK: “Mainly I’m seeking to help readers not to make the same mistakes I made! For example, my first church was a ‘mega-church’ of over 3,000 in an urban setting with a long history of extensive equipping ministries. My second church was a smaller rural church with little history of equipping the laity. Initially I made the huge rookie mistake of trying to plop down the ‘mega-church’ model on my second church. I quickly had to backpedal. That’s why in the book I teach ‘relational change management and biblical conflict resolution.’ Big picture—this is not a pie-in-the-sky book. I know personally the struggles and joys, the downs and ups of launching and leading equipping ministries—in three very different churches. I’m trying to share that ‘wisdom’ with my readers.”

Question: “Big picture: what are the ‘4Es’ and could you briefly summarize what happens if any one of them is neglected?”

BK: “God ‘wired’ my brain with a focus on being comprehensive and ‘both/and.’ I’ve found how important this is when launching and leading biblical counseling ministries. In fact, in my consulting, I’m often asked to help churches to re-launch their ministries because something just didn’t ‘take.’ Once we start interacting, inevitably we discover that at least one of the 4Es was missing or minimized. Those 4Es are: 1.) Envisioning God’s Ministry: Jointly creating mission, vision, passion, and commission (MVP-C) statements that nourish the compassion, conviction, and connection needed to launch flourishing biblical counseling ministries.” 2.) Enlisting God’s Ministers for Ministry: Mobilizing ministers by nurturing a family and building a team prepared for change, skilled in conflict resolution, and connected to the MVP-C Statement. 3.) Equipping Godly Ministers for Ministry: Applying transformational transformational training strategies that comprehensively address the “4Cs” of biblical content, Christ-like character, counseling competence, and Christian community. 4.) Empowering Godly Ministers for Ministry: Overseeing the ongoing ‘organizing of the organism’ by leading ministries that are built to last, that grow from good to great, and that leave a legacy of loving leaders.”

Question: “Equipping Counselors for Your Church has a built-in discussion-application guide. How do you envision churches using the book?”

BK: “I like to say, ‘This is not your father’s equipping manual!’ Past approaches tend to be too academic (not written from the ‘trenches’ of real-life ministry), too uniformed (not written with the realization that every church and community is unique), and too ‘secular’ (not written from a biblical theology of equipping). Thus, I envision churches using Equipping Counselors for Your Church as a workbook that a ministry leadership team walks through together. Launching and leading ministries is a relational process that God’s people share in a collegial way. The discussion-application guide helps ministry teams to interact in relational, practical ways so that they experience one-another community as they launch a one-another ministry.”

Question: “Equipping Counselors for Your Church has an extensive Appendix with dozens of practical, user-friendly resources. Introduce our listeners to some of those resources.”

BK: “People who have reviewed and recommended the book have made the proverbial comment more than once, ‘The Appendix is worth the price of the book!’ It is extensive: over 125 pages! It is practical: sample Mission-Vision-Passion-Commission Statements, sample Congregational Analysis Forms, sample Informed Consent Forms, sample Confidentiality Statements, sample Church Discipline Statements, and much more. While I’m convinced that every church must apply biblical equipping principles to their unique setting, I’m also convinced that there’s no reason to ‘reinvent the wheel.’ The extensive Appendix provides ministry leaders with the head start that I wish I had in my three church equipping ministries.”

Question: “How can people learn more about Equipping Counselors for Your Church?”

BK: “They can visit P & R Publishing http://www.prpbooks.com/. They can order the book at all the typical online sites such as Amazon and CBD. They can download a free sample chapter, read reviews and recommendations, watch the video book trailer, download materials from the Appendix (after the book is released in September 2011), and they can order the book at the RPM Ministries Equipping Counselors page http://bit.ly/EC4YC4E.” 

Worry is Idolatry

Have you ever considered worry to be an idol in your life? I imagine few people have thought this! Worry seems to be a part of most everyone's lives these days, with the economy being so terrible and so many future's being uncertain. Isn't it normal and expected that we are worried about troublesome things?

Jesus, who is the Wonderful Counselor, tells us that as Christians we have no reason or right to be worried.

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."   Matthew 6:19-21 (NIV)

This passage is dealing with worldly things, which happen to be the things we work all our our lives to get. Our homes and their contents, our cars, our jewelry, and other possessions. These would be the treasures Jesus speaks of and are the things many of our worries are made of. Other treasures might be good health, a happy marriage, good relationships, and peace in the home or heart. Essentially, anything that you long for, seek out, or lust after is a treasure.

We focus our days and our efforts on attaining these things and we come to believe we must have them and if we have them, we must protect them because they are "mine." These things compete with God for our attention. As we focus on the stuff we want the heart becomes deeply involved and we soon form an emotional attachment to them. Once we form a heart level bond with them (based on our desires) we begin to fret and worry that they will be taken away from us. Our goal becomes hanging on to this stuff that we believe is so important. We become captive to the idea of losing it.

To keep from losing our heart's desires we try to manipulate them. Because they demand such a high price from us, there had better be a payoff for us from them. The payoff is a temporary reassurance that we have some control over our stuff. In reality the stuff we idolize controls us. The things you value the most will rule your life. Those "treasures" rule your every move.

What do you treasure most? Is it Christ? If not, then worry will rule your heart as you are living for all the wrong things and doing what you do for all the wrong reasons. A life that is dominated by the idols of the heart does not have a kingdom focus and a consequence of that idolatry is the darkness of chronic worry.

A person who worries finds their thoughts clouded, their focus limited because they are working on preserving their idols. As a result they are ineffective at their daily tasks and responsibilities because the idols are demanding to be worshiped. (The "stuff" must be kept somehow, the peace preserved, the people appeased.) This is a troubling way to live. It is no mistake that Jesus said:

“No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money. Matthew 6:24 (NIV)

Money was the representative of anything that we can idolize. You can insert any word in the place of "money" and it applies. Pay attention to the idea that the masters are in competition with each other! Masters demand allegiance and you cannot be loyal to two masters at the same time.

The things you worry about are revealing the idols of your heart.

Worry and Fear

“He led you through the great and terrible wilderness, with its fiery serpents and scorpions and thirsty ground where there was no water; He brought water for you out of the rock of flint. “In the wilderness He fed you manna which your fathers did not know, that He might humble you and that He might test you, to do good for you in the end. Deuteronomy 8:15-16 (NASB)

These words are contained in the second address by Moses to the people Israel at the end of the 40 years of wandering after the Exodus. Deuteronomy means "second law" and in the first chapters of this book Moses recounts all that God has done for them.

Moses knows these people very well. He knows they complain about everything and they are strong willed and rebellious. God often refers to them as "stiff necked." Israel also struggles with worry and fear.

Personally, I can understand their fear and anxiety to some degree. Many of those who left Egypt were not religious, but more like people you and I know today. They have a form of godliness but God is little more to them than someone who they love when he gives them what they want, and the one they blame when things go wrong. They had no real relationship with God before the Exodus and only learned God's character as they traveled away from Egypt. As a result we see in the pages of Scripture that in addition to worry and fear, they were an anxious people.

Throughout the 40 years of wandering God constantly reminded them that He had used every circumstance in their history. Not only that, but He caused those circumstances to take place. He brought them into Egypt and exactly 430 years later to the day, He brought them out.

What did they have to worry or complain about? They were fed and clothed, their shoes never wore out, they were protected and safe as long as they obeyed God. Why were they so fearful and anxious all the time? Why did they fret?

Like you and I, Israel had heart problems that caused them to doubt the goodness of God. They did not believe God was truly good, or that He would provide for their needs. They doubted God's divine plan for their lives was good. (Do you see yourself in here anywhere?)  In Deuteronomy Moses was reminding them of how far they had come by God's strength and today our completed Bible tells us of the same.

Just like Israel, our doubt feeds the fears and the desires of the heart, that is, what we really worship, and that doubt forms a vicious cycle of out of control emotion and fear. This where we get all tangled up!

Here is a daring question; What if you and I really lived like we believed God's Word is true? What if we decided to stop second-guessing and did what we believe to be the right thing to do and refused to act or react out of fear or doubt? What if you took that bold step of faith because you are firmly convicted or convinced it is the direction you are to go in?

I am not advocating irresponsibility here, but I am saying that I think we often stay in situations we should not be in out of fear.  Our lives are not to be dominated by fear but by faith.

You might be wondering, "Is it really that simple?" You may be thinking up all sorts of objections that begin with, "What if...?" and "But what about...?"  Yes, it really is that simple. Those "what if's" are irrelevant in the plans the Lord has for us.

He is good and sovereign and intentional and purposeful in His plans for us. Trust Him, not your feelings. Trust His Word, He is faithful.

Truth Matters

One of my personal battle cries is that truth matters and there is only one truth- the truth of the Bible. This is especially important in the present age when everyone seems to have their own truth. As a biblical counselor, I am obligated to give those I am blessed to disciple the gospel truth and to counsel them using the Word of God. I am often amazed at how many people don't want to hear or believe it. I am equally amazed at how many hear it and want to make their own personal Jesus, and their own personal truth.

I am saddened by some of the women that I counsel. Their only goal in coming for counsel is to feel better. Feeling better has come to rule their lives and it is what they seek after more than any other thing. Sometimes they come angry because they tell me they have done all the right things, said all the right things, and prayed all the right things and in spite of all that they still don't feel good or happy or fulfilled or joyful. They complain about how God is not hearing them or answering their prayers.

Jesus has become their own personal genie in the bottle and the Bible is their book of incantations. Of course, this is not how they intend it to be, but their lives bear out that they have created their own truth.

Several years ago I met a young woman who believed God spoke to her and led her by dreams and visions. She told me God wanted her to marry a certain man, and that she was to be wealthy and carefree. She dutifully followed these "leadings" and came to me for counseling because "God told (her) to."

For many weeks we met together and I showed her the truth from the Word of God, which she insisted needed to be mixed with her experience. The Word was not enough to stand on its own in her life.

And then there's this...I remain utterly astonished at professing Christians who have bought into the health and wealth movement popularized these days by certain charismatic men who preach a different (and heretical) gospel.  Theirs is the gospel of positive self-image, positive self-talk, and name it and claim it theology. Put an end to your negative thinking because you really should have your best life now...

If this is the best life gets- we are in serious trouble both presently and eternally. This is most certainly not the gospel.

Then he said to them all: “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. Luke 9:23 (NIV)

THIS is the gospel. There are no promises in Scripture about happiness, being fulfilled, getting rich, satisfied, or having your best life now. What we find in the Bible from the mouth of our Savior is that once we are redeemed and regenerated that the remainder of the time we have here on earth is to be one of self-sacrifice.  Following the Jesus of the Bible is hard. It is hard because He demands all to the point of leaving our families behind, forsaking our homes and loved ones, creature comforts, our freedoms, and even the giving of our lives.

It is a difficult thing to tell a woman her circumstances may never get better. It is hard to tell her that fairy tales are fiction, the frog is not a prince, and there are no happily ever afters here in this world. My duty is to help her understand that in spite of her difficulties and woes that Jesus is enough. He is enough because what He did was enough. He is enough because the gospel says that He ransomed us from an eternity in hell. Jesus is enough and the true gospel is enough- no additions needed.

Worldly "Joy"

Do you work in the secular world? If so, how do you determine what is fun and acceptable? Many of things Christian men and women are indulging in these days are things that only a decade or two ago would have been considered "off limits" for Believers. We see this in the explosion of premarital sex, cheating, swearing, lying, adultery, disrespect for authority and other things the Bible calls sin. Our world now glorifies rebellion, unwholesome speech, drunkenness, immorality and impure thoughts. Many "seasoned" Christians see little to nothing wrong with these things, and in fact, they endorse and approve of them!

The spiritual lives of those involved in these things obviously suffer, and before long they are looking for joy and happiness because they discover that it is not to be found where they have been looking.

True joy and peace come from a relationship with Christ, no Christian will dispute that. However it appears they are trying to have a relationship under false pretenses! They want it all, fellowship with the world and fellowship with Christ.

If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth 1 John 1:6 (NASB)

To "walk in darkness" means to habitually live as an unbeliever. True joy will not be found until and unless that peace comes from God through a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Many believe they are redeemed because they prayed a prayer or walked an aisle and yet their hearts remain darkened and they are enemies of God.

And you were dead in your trespasses and sins, in which you formerly walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, of the spirit that is now working in the sons of disobedience. Among them we too all formerly lived in the lusts of our flesh, indulging the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, even as the rest. Ephesians 2:1-3 (NASB)

You adulteresses, do you not know that friendship with the world is hostility toward God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. James 4:4 (NASB)

True joy cannot be found without repentance toward God and humble submission to His working and authority in your life. The joy, contentment and happiness people search for comes from fellowship with Christ, and Christ alone. A humble dependence upon Jesus will result in these peaceable fruit in spite of your circumstances.

But, there has to be a determination to change- to allow God to access those areas of your heart that are currently off limits to Him and then commit to a new course of action. Yield to the Lord your entire life, and make His glory your purpose for living.

Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.
Romans 12:1-2 (NASB)

What is the perfect will of God? It is to live your life in a manner that brings Him glory! This is what the Bible calls the beginning of true wisdom. When you can honestly examine yourself and determine you are ready to make those needed changes in your heart, and change the way you view sin and the way you live your life; you are developing wisdom. And from godly wisdom comes joy.

A Genuine Desire for the Cross

It has been 10 years since the attacks of 9/11. Our nation spent weeks in advance of this "anniversary" recounting all the details of essentially everything that went into that horrific day in our nation's history.  One immediate effect of the tragedy was a 20% increase in church attendance as stunned Americans sought hope, comfort, and a reason for these attacks. The seeking did not last long unfortunately. Within months church attendance returned to pre 9/11 figures.

Similarly, Mel Gibson's movie "The Passion of the Christ" hit the country with a thunderous crash. It was all the rage among Christians and those who were curious about Christianity. It was used as an evangelistic tool by thousands and thousands of churches across the United States, and even had its own evangelistic kit that came with it!

I saw the movie a few times. The first time I was struck dumb with literal horror at the brutality depicted against Christ. I felt every lash, and recoiled at what was done to him, knowing that in reality it was probably much, much worse. I think many people personalized what they saw, and it made a huge emotional impact on those who saw it. It was a very well done movie about how Christ died.

However, its long term impact has been minimal for it did not adequately address why Christ died. There was nothing to address the sinfulness of man, nothing to address our depravity, nothing to tell the viewer that we need to be saved from that sinfulness, and nothing to show the viewer that the purpose for Jesus' death on the cross was our redemption because of that sinful and depraved condition we are all born into.

So faith comes from hearing, and hearing by the word of Christ. Romans 10:17

This was the crucial element missing from this powerful movie. There was no preaching of the gospel, nothing to prick the conscience as to the need for salvation. Plenty of guilty feelings, I am sure, as those who are religious understand that the death of Christ was for the sins of mankind- but it was not a personal gospel!

Too often our presentations of the gospel lack that same element. We present the Condemning Jesus, the Fluffy Jesus, the Stoic Jesus, the Loving Jesus, but rarely do we present the Biblical Jesus when we are speaking to someone about salvation and the centrality of the cross in it.

But He was pierced through for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; The chastening for our well-being fell upon Him, And by His scourging we are healed. All of us like sheep have gone astray, Each of us has turned to his own way; But the LORD has caused the iniquity of us all To fall on Him. Isaiah 53:5-6

This is what was done at the cross and why. Notice the pronouns in this verse are He/our, His/we. Because we (you and I) are sinful, God laid our sins on Jesus.

John Calvin says, "When we behold the disfigurement of the Son of God, when we find ourselves appalled by His marred appearance, we need to reckon afresh that it is upon ourselves we gaze, for He stood in our place."

When I realized that the battered Christ is representative of me, torn by the power of sin, ripped, marred, battered, and maimed by the price of my sins...I realize the cost of my sin, the price exacted to pay for my sin, and I cannot fail to see what sin actually does.

It is then I can begin to love the cross.

The Reality of the Cross

What is the cross to you? When you see it in your church or in your minds eye what do you see? As a child in my former religion the cross always had a "Jesus" hanging on it looking tortured and grim. When I became a Christian I learned that Protestant churches typically don't have a "Jesus" hanging on the cross because we believe that He rose again and that is our focus.

Historically, the cross was a horrific instrument of torture designed to prolong suffering and death. The intention of the crucifixion was to keep a person alive and in agony while they slowly suffocated due to the pressure on the diaphragm from the crucifixion position, and bled to death from their wounds.

The cross was a shameful thing to a Jew (Deuteronomy 21:23) so to read the words of Paul as he centralizes the death of the Lord Jesus Christ on the cross and determines to "know nothing among you except Christ Jesus and Him crucified" (1 Cor. 2:2)is simply amazing.

In the little book, Living the Cross Centered Life author C.J.Mahaney says: " For Paul, the gospel- this "word of the cross"- was no cold theological formula. Paul lived a cross centered life because the cross had saved and transformed his own life." I can completely agree with Paul on this! Like Paul, I was also a blasphemer, persecutor of Christians, insolent, rebellious, prideful and wicked. I never forget who I once was because it reminds me of the wonderful cross that brought grace to a wretch like me.

Not too long ago, I was speaking with a Catholic woman who is "religious" but also very liberal. She told me she hates the song Amazing Grace because of the line in the song that says that grace "saved a wretch like me." She proudly proclaimed to me that she was no wretch! Once I got over the shock of her statement I wondered, what need is there for the cross when you think you have eternity already in the bag?

When my children were small, the whole idea of promoting and enhancing self-esteem was all the rage in parenting. We were taught to prop them up at every opportunity and to tell them how good they were. When I began to learn about Biblical Counseling and the condition of the heart of man, I stopped doing that. In fact, to my husbands horror I started telling our son what a sinner he was!

How else will they know they need the Savior? Too often I think we seek to spare the feelings of those we love and we are not honest with them about their abject depravity. We seek to soften the blow, and gently tell them about Jesus and this salvation we are offering them is often false! We are on some level ashamed of the cross and our need for it, so we present a warm and fuzzy Jesus who loves them and has a wonderful plan for their lives.

It amazes me that we withhold the truth of our sinful condition from those we love. Only when we realize the depths of our sinful condition we can see that we need to be saved from it. Only when we understand that we have been judged as guilty before God can we understand we see we need redemption. Only when we conclude that we cannot save ourselves can we gratefully take hold of the One who has taken hold of us. We then appreciate forgiveness of all our sins - past, present and even those we have not thought of yet! We comprehend grace and mercy and see them as God's lavish gift to us.

None of this is possible without that wonderful cross. Don't shy away from it beloved, run to it, cling to it, and worship the Lord who died on it for you.

The Deep Grief of the People Helper

Today there is a deep grief in my soul.

I am aware of a situation in which someone close to me has been deeply hurt (the "rock your world" kind of hurt) and this hurt has revealed many other issues. These are all issues the world would and does refer to as "illnesses" and "disorders" and would apply their standard "therapy" of behavior modification and psychotropic medications to these issues.

While I understand that these people are well meaning and intend to help and believe they are helping, I deal with the fallout from their "treatments" every week in my office. Christians who have been led in the direction of this kind of counseling who have found no real answers, only more heartache and hopelessness.

When they get to my office they are often convinced that there is no real help or hope for them, they have been on numerous medications or maybe just one, and found that in spite of the pills, and the talk therapy, "getting it out", and "dealing with how they feel" they have found no release from the torture that has become their lives.

This is what I hope and pray does not happen to the one I know. She professes Christ, but those around her have never had need of Him before, they are self-made and self-sufficient. In my conversations with them, I have gently prodded and provoked their thinking about the "real" causes for some of these behaviors, spoken of the issue being of the heart long before it is of the activity and given them the hope that their loved one does not have to live like this forever. There is HOPE.

But I find myself up against the stiff competition of "the professionals" and the paralyzing fear that these good people close to her have of getting it wrong. They are experiencing a maelstrom of emotions and are caught in a horrific situation not of their making.

We all want what is best for this woman. We all want to help. Were it not for Christ and His ability to change hearts and lives I would have no hope to offer either; but I do have hope and help to offer!

I so badly want to reach into your life, I want to show you Christ and how nothing is beyond His reach. I want you to know that despite your confusion and despair that Jesus is with you in the midst of it. His truths have not changed, His love has not changed. He has not changed and He is still able to be your defender and advocate.

I want you to know that this way is not easy, it is demanding but worth it. You will experience freedom to be who He has created you to be and you will find that you do not need the trappings of the world to define yourself. You will know Him and the power of His resurrection which you will come to understand is more important and worthwhile than analyzing yourself. You will see that the more you do know Him, the more you will learn about who He has already created you to be. You will learn to live your position- not the position of worldly privilege but your position as a daughter of the King. You will soon understand that it is not "self-esteem" that you need, but God-esteem!

I want you to know that you don't have to live as a slave to your former way of life, that sin will lose its luster and that you will come to desire righteousness and holiness greater than fulfilling those desires of the flesh.

And I want you to know that God is sovereign. As hard as it is to grasp right now, God was completely aware of these circumstances before the beginning of time. He knew what would happen and He allowed it anyway. This does not make God cruel or mean- He operates in ways that are beyond our understanding at times and this is good! Would you want a God you could completely understand? God does intend to use this for good, He does intend to bring you through it, and He does intend to glorify Himself in the midst of your tragedy. And the glory He intends to bring Himself is through you're becoming more like His Son, Jesus Christ.

This is what I want you to know, and why I believe I have the answers. Certainly not because I am something, I am nothing but His servant and a messenger of truth. And I am frustrated that I am not helping you. My good friend reminded me that if God does not open the door for me, then He is telling me He does not want my help and that of course He has a better plan.

I hope and pray someone will give you these truths, for there is HOPE!