He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3
Today I am continuing the post on your husband's sexual sin. I received many responses both public and private on yesterday's post. I know this is an important topic to you, because it is the number one thing searched for when finding my blog. This is tragic, yet I am thankful that you found this blog, because you will find help, healing and hope here from the Word of God.
When a person is involved in sexual sin it is easy to overlook the critical role their heart plays in the matter. It is easier to blame something or someone else for our sin. Because we are so adept at lying to ourselves, and
rationalizing and justifying our behavior it is very easy to overlook the truth that the human heart is set on gratifying self.
He followed the lust of the heart, the lust of his flesh and he has to own that. He has to get honest with himself and with you.
Because until he owns that, he wants to think of himself as a victim. The adulterer who wants to think of themselves as a victim of the person who “lured” them, “tricked” them, “lied” to them is at great risk to repeat their offense because they continue to lie to themselves about the reason they committed sexual sin. It is part of the sinful nature to want to place the blame solely on the other person; after all, who wants to look at themselves the way one must when they have done something so horrific to the person they claim to love?
The adulterer must see that at the roots, this was not about anything more than fulfilling their sinful desires, unholy desires, ungodly desires. Despite anything that has been said
to you, what your spouse did was not your fault, it was their decision. What your husband did was of his own
volition. He had a lust or desire of the heart that was not
fulfilled. The lust or desire was most
likely illegitimate meaning it was not based in Scripture or was selfish and
You must believe that if it was not “him” it would have
been someone else, because this sexual sin is a HEART issue.
Those who have been regenerated by Christ and are fortunate
to be in a good church are taught that they are to deny themselves, life is not
about them, and they are to live and use their lives to glorify God. However, we are still sinners and often we struggle with the
gargantuan desires of the flesh. Ephesians 4:18-19 says sinful desires make a
person’s heart hard to the truth of God’s commands and can lead even a
Christian to act as an unbeliever does.
Some of the men who have committed physical adultery will
say they never imagined themselves as the object of the desire of another
woman. Their self-image led them to find it unbelievable that another woman
besides their wife would find them attractive or desirable.
Often time’s men know they are the object of lustful looks by other
women. Some were promiscuous before marriage and had other sexual partners
right up to their wedding day. They enjoy the attention given to them by women
and don’t think there is anything wrong with flirting after marriage.
Many adulterers will want to believe that they just “fell
into” the relationship; that they did nothing to promote it or are not
responsible for what happened.
Men and women who are caught using pornography will often
give excuses for being found with it on their computers. They will say that
they don’t know how it got there, or they were surfing the internet for
something innocent and something just popped up on their screen with no
prompting from them. They may claim innocence saying they allowed a friend or
their child to use the computer and this is how it came back.
Sometimes a husband will admit he has been watching
pornography and blame his wife for his “need” to do so. Men will say that their
wives are not satisfying them sexually or often enough. Some will even try to
legitimize their use of porn by saying their wives have a lack of interest in
sex so they don’t want to bother them with it.
People give a variety of reasons for sexual immorality and
adultery; too many to list actually! Whatever the reason given you must
understand there is really only one
reason; they have a sinful heart.