God and Your Pain

No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.1 Cor 10:13 (NASB)

Our culture is one of avoiding pain.  It seems that every other commercial on television is one for pain relief of some kind!  Some of these are legitimate but I see far too many ad’s for things to relieve a person of a non-physical aspect of pain.

No one that I know of desires to be in pain; in fact, people who inflict pain on themselves are considered to be strange or even mentally unbalanced. For most people pain is undesirable and to be avoided at all costs.  This is evident in our society as abuse of alcohol and other drugs is increasing yearly. So many people are looking for relief from their emotional or mental pain and torment that prescriptions for psychotropic medications are at an all-time high!  Friends, this is not the answer.

I am not speaking from the position of a person who has no problems or troubles in life. In recent years I have experienced great pain and loss of things and people who I loved deeply.  Personal circumstances could have rendered me useless to God and to others if I would have allowed them to. By God’s grace and mercy I did not.

If you are like me, there may be times in your life where you believe you cannot bear what is happening. You think the strain is just too much and that you will crack under the heavy load that you must bear.  Maybe you cry out, “Stop it! I cannot take another thing happening to me!”  You may really think this is the case.

The truth is that in Christ we are equipped to endure the trials that come into our lives.

you, who are protected by the power of God through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ; and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, obtaining as the outcome of your faith the salvation of your souls.1 Peter 1:5-9 (NASB)

You may not like your trials and want to run away from them, but I encourage you to accept them and even by God’s grace embrace them, for they are His means to perfect you. He is using them to whittle away the rough spots of your character and conform you to Christ’s image and likeness.

I completely understand that some of you are facing unimaginable heartache today. You may have a wayward child, an adulterous husband, a loved one who is dying from a horrible disease. You may be ill and weak and physically miserable right now, sick with cancer or some life changing ailment.  I want you to know that even in this, God has enabled you to stand, because He stands with you.

He Himself has said, “I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you,” ⁶so that we confidently say, “The Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid. What will man do to me?” Heb. 13:5-6 (NASB)

Do you believe God is faithful? 

Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful; Hebrews 10:23 (NASB)

How has He demonstrated His faithfulness to you today? Think for a few minutes on all the ways that God has shown Himself to be a faithful God.

Do you believe God can be trusted?

But as for me, I trust in You, O LORD,  I say, “You are my God.” My times are in Your hand; Deliver me from the hand of my enemies and from those who persecute me. Make Your face to shine upon Your servant; Save me in Your lovingkindness. Psalm 31:14-16 (NASB)

The Psalms are a great place to go to when you need the encouragement of God’s trustworthiness.  There are more Psalms than I can possibly list that speak of God’s faithfulness and trustworthiness.  The men and women of the Old Testament found themselves in some major trouble spots and learned that God was trustworthy, faithful and true.

Do you believe that God is good?

The LORD is good to all, And His mercies are over all His works. Psalm 145:9 (NASB)

Be cautious to never deny the goodness of the Lord. To do so is to defame God’s character.  Do not believe the lies of the enemy as he seeks to fool you into believing that God somehow wants to withhold goodness from you.

Feeling Betrayed?

I saw this on someone's Facebook page a long time ago, and stored it away. They wrote, "Feeling betrayed? Have you been hurt by someone you trusted? Are you holding onto a grudge for something someone has done to you? Though these are natural and instinctive emotions, these feelings ultimately never lead to what God truly desires for us. In God’s Word, we find that only through forgiveness do we find the healing, comfort and peace that we so desperately need." 

I don't know who originated the words but I thought it was a great post. These are wise words we would do very well to remember. 

Being hurt goes with living this life. We live in a fallen world among fallen people who (like us) sin all the time.  When others sin we sometimes catch the fallout from it and it causes us to hurt inside. The pain that can be inflicted is unimaginable in some cases as fathers molest children, wives cheat on husbands, or a friend betrays a confidence. The depths and varieties of sin are only limited by the human imagination and so we frequently find ourselves on the receiving end of someone else's sin. 

When we are sinned against we have a decision to make; will we forgive and move on or will we cherish the hurt and coddle the pain.  To "cherish" the hurt means that you meditate on it, dwell on it; roll it around in your thoughts. You mentally play with the hurt turning it this way and that in your thinking and in so doing you ingrain the hurt deeper and deeper into your thought patterns.  The pain becomes a constant part of you and becomes an aspect of "normal" for your state of being.  You start to live "hurt" and "wounded" and as a "victim."

When a person cherishes the hurt they are making a decision to remain a victim and stay hurt and wounded.  There is no moving on or moving through when you cherish in your heart what sinful thing was done or said to you.  

Another byproduct of cherishing the hurt is the person becomes bitter. Bitterness and grudge holding are of the same idea family.  Basically, what it means is as the hurt is cherished the person begins to think they have a right to be angry and unforgiving toward the one who hurt them.  They begin a campaign of revenge through unforgiveness.  

Reminding the one who hurt them (repeatedly) of what they did, having angry outbursts, giving the cold shoulder and other displays of unforgiveness become commonplace and as sin increases so do the problems. 

This kind of response is the result of living by how you feel.  Feelings rarely can be trusted because they originate in the flesh and are contaminated by "self" and "self" is sin-sick.  Feelings are not to be obeyed or lived by; they are not to guide us through life.  While our feelings are a part of us and they help make us who we are they are not to rule over us.   I find many women who come for counseling are in such a rut, they have come to live by their feelings of anger, bitterness, jealousy, and even hatred and these feelings now define them.

If you have been betrayed by someone you love there is only one possible godly response, and that is to forgive them.  No, they may not deserve your forgiveness but I must ask you if you think you deserved the forgiveness that has been given to you by God in Christ.  

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.   Ephesians 4:31-32 (NASB)

The Edge of the Wilderness

“For the LORD your God has blessed you in all that you have done; He has known your wanderings through this great wilderness. These forty years the LORD your God has been with you; you have not lacked a thing.”’ Deut. 2:7 (NASB) 

Today is a day I have waited for since I moved here. It is the day I give notice that I am retiring from my day job. In just a few short weeks I will be returning to full-time ministry and leaving behind my job in the medical field for what I think will be the final time. 

I have been wandering through this wilderness for nearly three years. No one enters the wilderness knowing what the journey will entail or how long they will be there. Many times we are not even sure we are in the wilderness until one day we look around and realize that is where we are! So much has happened in these three years... When I began this wandering I had no idea what it would look like. 

The wilderness is a lonely place, and rightfully so. There are times God has to get us alone to help us see what is going on in our heart. The Lord intends to strip away the things you rely on and hide behind while you are out here, bringing you to the end of self-reliance and self-deception. This has been true in my case. 

When I entered this wilderness my Mom was in the last year of her life. I realized that to minister to her I would have to set big parts of my own life aside. I did so gladly and made her care a part of my daily life. 

I wandered a little further in when my husband moved here ahead of me and we spent 6 months apart. God showed me many ugly things about my sinful heart over those months. I had no idea how willful I was, and how much I demanded my own way in circumstances I had no control over.  I had to do many, many things that I did not want to do over that miserable winter, and I was constantly frustrated that I could not make our house sell, and I could not control the never-ending snowfall we had that year.  Emotional kicking and screaming was pointless, I had to learn to submit to God's sovereign will. 

Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. Phil 4:11-13 (NASB) 

When Mom passed on I arrived at a place in the wilderness that a person only goes in a time of incredible loss. I learned here that God is truly able and willing to flood us with his grace and mercy in the moments we need it. 

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you. “For I am the LORD your God, The Holy One of Israel, your Savior; Isaiah 43:2-3 (NASB)  

My wilderness experience deepened when I moved to join my husband and took my first full-time job in a decade. I left behind my family, ministry and I dealt with the knowledge that I was adding to the loss and sorrow for my newly widowed Dad. I also lost the last year of High School with our last child, as home schooling changed dramatically. Whew...what I had experienced previously paled in comparison to what I learned here!


Remember that the purpose of the wilderness is you and God- alone.  Our gracious God allowed me to suffer and wrestle my way through a 15 month portion of the journey, surely the hardest, driest, and loneliest part of my travels.  I hated my job, missed "my life" and was experiencing sorrow without hope. All the people in my life became distant, my hardest critics were those closest to me and even things in my marriage were strained.  The Lord was once again dealing with my heart of discontent and it was a battle I was not sure I would survive intact. I knew what I wanted to do, and what I wanted to be about, and where I wanted to be. God had other ideas. 

who are you, O man, who answers back to God? The thing molded will not say to the molder, “Why did you make me like this,” will it? Or does not the potter have a right over the clay, to make from the same lump one vessel for honorable use and another for common use?   Romans 9:20-21 (NASB) 

It took me a long, long time (nearly another whole year) to move into the place where I was content with what God was doing with my life.  My sweet husband and I wrestled through our bumps in the road, and the other relationships that had hit rough spots also began to smooth out.  I had to recognize on a deeper level than ever before that it is God who is in charge of my life. I am to hold all things and all people loosely.  I had to admit that there were things that I had built altars to and idolized and loved and wanted more than what God wanted for me. 

My priorities were wrong, my affections were wrong, and I know that I sorely needed this time in the wilderness. Repentance, confession, restoration, and righteousness had to become part of my life again. It was at this point that I began to move toward the exit of the wilderness.

So, here I am.  The sands of the wilderness have thinned out, and I can see the green grass of civilization ahead of me.  The land is lush and full and I am lean and thin from this journey.  This has been hard.  “Hard” does not truly come close to accurately defining this time, but it will have to suffice.  But just because something is hard doesn’t mean it is bad. In fact, this has been a very good time of growing and changing for me and I look forward to what God has for me on the rest of life's journey.  I am not finished; this is just really an oasis, a resting place between wildernesses.  Because my heart remains sinful and God remains faithful I know I have more to learn and more to change.  For now, I am rejoicing that I am in this place and looking forward to a time of refreshment.


I do ask for your prayers. While this life-change is something we are looking forward to, it will not be without its challenges. I am anticipating greater avenues to serve, ministering to more women than ever before (by God's grace), and the opportunity to resume being a wife and Mom in the way I believe God has called me to be one.  I know I am abundantly blessed. 

What Were You?

Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God. Such were some of you; but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in the Spirit of our God.  1 Cor. 6:9-11 (NASB)

I meet with many women who have things in their past they wish had never happened. Some of the things are minor, but quite a few of them are major things like adultery, immorality, or drunkenness.  They live with “secret sin” hiding these issues underneath their Christianity, hoping no one will ever find out.  There is tremendous fear in every-day life wondering if something or someone will bring their past to light and ruin their present.

The shame that accompanies some past sins can continue to eat away at the joy a woman is supposed to have.  She can be living out her day’s activities and something triggers a memory and before she knows it she is thinking about what she did in the past and reliving the guilt and shame all over again.  Guilt and shame can seem powerful and overwhelming.  They can take even the brightest day and cloud it with doubts.

It is more difficult if there is a person in your life reminding you over and over what you have done.  Unfortunately, some husbands who know the past actions of their wives will use that knowledge to control or hurt them.  They seem to delight in dragging the past into the present and using old and forsaken sin to wound their wives or to gain the upper hand in an argument. This is in direct conflict with Scripture (Eph 5:25) but to some men that does not matter. Having that last word or that control over her is more important to them than honoring God. This is to their disgrace.

If you are a Christian woman with “a past” I want you to revisit the passage at the head of today’s blog posting.  Go ahead, take a minute. Read it, savor it, take it in slowly, and meditate on the words of God written to you.

Yes, you may have been immoral or one who worshiped things or people other than God. You may have had an abortion or committed adultery in your past, but what I want you to remember is what verse 11 tells you.

Such were some of you; but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in the Spirit of our God.  1 Cor. 6:11 (NASB)

Because I too am a woman with a past I revel in the fact that I am washed clean from my sin, and so are you.  We have been washed by the blood of the Lamb and exchanged our filthy garments for linens that are as white as snow (Isa. 61:10)

“Come now, and let us reason together, Says the LORD, “Though your sins are as scarlet, They will be as white as snow; Though they are red like crimson, They will be like wool. Isa. 1:18 (NASB)

We have been sanctified (Heb. 10:10). This means that we have been purified from the deeds of the past. We have not been imperfectly purified; we have been completely purified by Christ for the glory of God.  

For Christ did not enter a holy place made with hands, a mere copy of the true one, but into heaven itself, now to appear in the presence of God for us; nor was it that He would offer Himself often, as the high priest enters the holy place year by year with blood that is not his own. Otherwise, He would have needed to suffer often since the foundation of the world; but now once at the consummation of the ages He has been manifested to put away sin by the sacrifice of Himself. Hebrews 9:24-26 (NASB)

We have also been justified in the name of Jesus, our Lord (Rom. 5:1). In Christ, it is just as though we never sinned in those ways. We have been saved from wrath because of the sacrifice of Jesus Christ (Rom. 5:9) and we have no reason to fear. When God looks upon the Justified, He sees Christ not our old sin.

Please be encouraged today; you belong to God in Christ and your sin has been separated from you as far as the east is from the west! 

Is Venting Sinful?

I am often asked if “venting” is an okay thing to do in counseling. Because of the pervasive attitude of “therapy” often counselee’s assume we are here to listen to them vent and that we are their sounding boards to bounce things off of.  It begins with the phone call when the caller tells us, “I just need someone to listen to me.” 

What I find they really want is a trash receptacle for words and their feelings.  They want to be able to say to us the things they wish they could say to the person who has hurt them.   Venting is usually laced with malicious and slanderous talk about another person who is not there to defend themselves or to present the other side of the story. Venting is also gossip because the person being talked about is not there and is most likely unaware they are being spoken about.  It is for this reason that marital counseling is done with both husband and wife being present.

The expectation of the person who wants to vent or tries to vent is that we will offer no counsel or rebuke or correction on this practice.  Our counselee's quickly learn this is not the case in our counseling center.

While talking is our methodology, we do not encourage or even tolerate venting.  If a counselee tells me something and it contains unbiblical thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes I will challenge them. 

Is anything profitable or edifying said when a person is "venting?"  Usually it is not honorable or glorifying to God to be a part of a venting session.  The person doing the venting often does not see their own responsibility for their part of the problem, and unfortunately they don’t like to accept any blame either.  The person doing the venting is frequently justifying themselves and blameshifting the responsibility onto another.   

The practice of venting is a creation of our psychological friends who wrongly believe that "getting it off your chest" is necessary for healing and growth.  In this methodology, venting is encouraged in a variety of ways including writing a letter you never intend to deliver, and in that letter saying whatever you desire to say to someone who has hurt you or angered you.  Another method is to set an empty chair in the middle of the room and picture the object of your wrath is seated there and verbally let it rip.  What a cowardly method to deal with people. What an unbiblical method to deal with sinful anger, hurt, and pain. 

Christians are to deal with emotions biblically, and we are to hold each other accountable when we see sin living large in the life of a fellow Believer in Christ. This does not mean we become spec inspectors in the eyes of our brothers and sisters in Christ without going logging in our own first (Matt 7).

Our goal is to help the counselee to understand what needs to change is their heart and then help them to implement changes that apply to the wrong behaviors and attitudes. We do this by the use of the Word of God in a practical and accurate manner.

If you wish to do so, you must be confident in God’s Word. You must truly believe that God’s Word is enough to change the heart and life of a person. You must believe that it has the answer to every single problem man faces and you must believe that God’s Word is the only unchangeable source of material we have written by an infallible Author. I encourage you not to apologize for making the Word of God your standard. His Word is all we have that is concrete and applies across the board.

Book Review: Real Marriage The Truth About Sex, Friendship & Life Together By Mark and Grace Driscoll

It was with just a little bit of fear that I began to read Mark and Grace Driscoll's new book, Real Marriage The Truth About Sex, Friendship, & Life Together. I know Mark Driscoll is controversial, and I had heard tidbits about the content of this book over the past year as they were writing it. I wanted to read it because I am always on the lookout for material to use with my counselee's. I also wanted to know if I should steer them away from this book.

I was very impressed by the first half of this book. The author's are very honest about their own trials and difficulties both before and during their marriage. Neither arrived to their marriage bed pure and both admit they brought a few trunk loads of baggage down the aisle with them on their wedding day. The beauty is in their overcoming the many challenges they faced through their married years. 

Here are a few highlights I found in the book. Space does not allow me to give you all of what I found, but only a few snippets. 

In the chapter titled: Friends with Benefits they talk about the critical aspect of being best friends in your marriage. They take the word F-R-I-E-N-D-S and devote a short portion of the chapter to each aspect of marital friendship. In the R-Reciprocal section the author says, "Christian marriage is reciprocal acts of covenant love." (pg 30)  They go on to list a great number of quotes that detail the ways people demonstrate reciprocal acts of love toward one another. Some of the examples brought me to tears they were so tender and loving! 

In the I-Intimate section the author outlines three basic forms of marriage: back-to back, shoulder-to-shoulder, and face-to-face (pg 32). In this portion they bring out the importance of intimacy beyond the bedroom where a husband and wife know each other deeply. They share feelings, are vulnerable with each other, and hold each other accountable. 

The Third and Fourth Chapters of this book were my favorite. Chapter Three is titled Men and Marriage. While it is written to men, Mark Driscoll invites women to read it too. He speaks lovingly yet is quite honest about the condition of manhood in the 21st century; it is not good. He then gives the men A Wife's Perspective and outlines 5 different ways to honor your wife. This is only a portion of the material in this gem of a chapter, and I really thought all of this is done with excellence. 

Chapter four is written by Grace Driscoll and is called The Respectful Wife. She biblically defines respect and fleshes out the definition through small sections that encourage women to have Heads of Respect, Hearts of Respect, and Hands of Respect. She goes on to instruct women on how to disagree, counsel, encourage, and submit respectfully. I was greatly encouraged by this chapter as well! 

Mark and Grace address bitterness and forgiveness biblically, and even encourage struggling spouses to enlist the help of biblical counselors for help if needed. This was very refreshing for me, as most Christian books these days are quick to refer people to "professionals." 

The second part of this book I am less excited about; it is the section that addresses sexuality. I will say that the majority of this part of the book is tastefully done in my opinion. The information in this section is certainly informative and includes statistics that are eye-opening in some cases. A married adult in our culture should not be shocked by anything they discuss with one exception, the chapter entitled Can We_______?  

This chapter consists of questions that Mark and Grace Driscoll have been asked over the years regarding sexual acts within marriage. They state, "...we are explaining what a married couple may do, not what they must do." They frame each sexual topic with the questions: Is It Lawful? Is It Helpful? Is It Enslaving? Within this format they defend or debunk each sexual act with the use of Scripture.  I personally found this chapter a little bit "gritty" for my taste, but I was not overly offended by it. 

Overall, this book is excellent and despite what you may think about Mark Driscoll or his preaching and teaching at Mars Hill Seattle, this book is well worth your time to read. It gave my husband and I many hours of discussion about the strengths and weaknesses of our own marriage. If you were to purchase this book, I would do so with the intention of reading it with your husband and having some very honest discussions as you do so. 

The Dangers of the Hardened Heart

Take care, brethren, that there not be in any one of you an evil, unbelieving heart that falls away from the living God. But encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called “Today,” so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. Hebrews 3:12-13 (NASB) 


There is little more difficult in counseling than ministering to a counselee with a hard heart. Our counseling methodology is built around the change of heart in a person. We believe that the Holy Spirit must effect salvific heart change (Ezk. 26:26, 11:19-20; Jer. 32:39) for any further change to take place.  When a person professes to have been regenerated (saved, born-again, redeemed) it means to the Biblical Counselor that God has given them a new heart that is able to submit to God and to obey Him. 


Each and every Christian has been enabled to change their mind, thoughts, desires, intentions, emotions, beliefs etc) through the Person of Jesus Christ. The Lord has enabled us to make practical changes in our lives because of the changes He has brought about in the heart; so when I am confronted by a person who remains unchanged and unaffected by the application of the gospel to their heart and their sin issues I have great concern. 


seeing that His divine power has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness, through the true knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and excellence. For by these He has granted to us His precious and magnificent promises, so that by them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world by lust. 2 Peter 1:3-4 (NASB)


This verse teaches us that we have everything we need in Christ to be godly internally and to reveal that godliness externally. When a person consistently fails to do this and persists to live in their sin it is not the counseling that fails, it is not the gospel that fails, and it is not the Lord Jesus Christ that fails. It is most often the counselee has hardened their heart and is refusing to repent from their sin and change. 


A hard heart is the result of refusing the promptings and urging of the Holy Spirit and the result of great self-deception. Self-deception blinds the person to the dangerous waters they are in. 


Very often they exhibit more love for themselves than they do the Lord. This is evident by their love of the sin they are involved in. Of course, they don't come out and say they love their sin, but the refusal to repent and forsake it speaks more than their words could ever say. Loving anything more than God is idolatry so in essence the hard-hearted person is an idolator. 


Sin compounds sin and once self-deception sets in the person is opened up to all manner of ungodliness. Pride, unforgiveness, bitterness, rage, selfishness, bragging, and many other things. The counselee will at some point find themselves involved in more sin than they ever could have imagined. Sin always takes you farther than you ever wanted to go. Those who have been there have told me it was almost as though they looked at themselves one day and where they were at in life and wondered, "How on earth did I get here?" 


A person who is hard-hearted must be confronted about the sin they are immersed in by loving, caring, and compassionate Christians who understand all that is at stake in the person's life and in the church.  The sinning brother or sister must be confronted for the sake of their soul. 


Sadly, some refuse to hear the loving rebukes of brothers and sisters in Christ and persist in their folly. Their lives will be unfruitful and they will be miserable. I have been involved in these situations many times and I am always surprised by the responses from the person being confronted. When repeated rebukes are met with consistent resistance the church has no option other than to go forward with the discipline process. 

More on Self-Esteem

I am revisiting the topic of self-esteem because of a reply I received to a blog post I wrote on the topic a little while back. The self-esteem message is pumped into us from pre-school onward and most people have completely bought the lie that we have to think better of ourselves than we do presently. “Low self-esteem” in a person is blamed on every behavior from unbiblical anger to homicide.  

The biblical understanding of low self-esteem is self-love. Jay E. Adams, in his book, The Biblical View of Self-Esteem, Self-Love, Self-Image says that the Bible assumes self-love.

Adams says, “The command is to love your neighbor as you already love yourself. The verse could be translated literally, ‘You must love your neighbor as you are loving yourself.’”

Paul makes the same point in Eph. 5:28-29

So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, Ephesians 5:28-29 (NASB)

The Scripture makes clear that we are born with a bend toward loving ourselves and because the desire to love ourselves is so strong, we have to be exhorted to love even our spouses as much or more than we do ourselves.  For the man or woman who is indwelt by the Lord Jesus Christ it is not only possible but it is commanded.

Self-love to the point that is promoted in society is ungodly and unbiblical. It wreaks havoc on marriages and other important relationships because in most cases, self-love or self-esteem is selfishness on parade.

To be clear I am not saying that you must never think of yourself or think poorly of yourself for that is equally unbiblical. The Christian is most certainly something special! We were once desperately lost and hopeless people without an ounce of righteousness within (Jer. 17:9, Rom. 3:10-18).

In Christ we are new people, the old ways are gone and the new ways come 2 Cor. 5:17 (NLT).

Because of Christ we have been indwelt by the very Spirit of God! We are now living tabernacles set apart by God to do what He as designed and predestined us to do (Eph 2:10).  

Why though does Paul tell us this? Is it to make us “feel good” about ourselves? Is it to raise our self-esteem” or give us “positive vibes about me?”  His purpose is to “urge us to become in everyday living what we already are counted to be in Christ.” In other words, he wants us to see that in ourselves we fall short of what we are in Christ.

What’s the harm someone might say in taking a positional truth and applying it to our ego’s so we feel better about ourselves?  At the very least we think to highly of ourselves in Christ.

As God’s messenger, I give each of you this warning: Be honest in your estimate of yourselves, measuring your value by how much faith God has given you. Romans 12:3 (NLT)

Adams notes that Robert Morley, (another psychology type) who wrote this passage proves “we must view ourselves as uniquely wonderful, intrinsically valuable.”

We are “intrinsically valuable?” Paul is asking us to give a sober appraisal of how far we still fall short of who we positionally are in Christ. This is a blow to our pride, not an encouragement for it!!!

It is certainly true that mankind is made in the likeness of God in some sense; (James 3:9. Gen 1:27, 9:6) though the moral and intellectual image has been do defaced it must be restored.

However, these passages are used by self-esteem writers, teachers, and advocates to proof that we are of invaluable worth. This quote from H. Norman Wright illustrates how the lens of faulty interpretation clouds the application of “likeness” passages.

 “Sinful men are valuable to God. If God loves sinful men for the redeemable value He sees in them, then we ought to love these men too, including ourselves.”

Here is the major issue and major heresy that it implied by the misuse of these passages.

God did not love us redeem us, save us, because we are lovable.  As Adams notes quite accurately, “God’s love was not a response to man’s loveableness.”

Westminster Confession of Faith represents the accurate, historical view of Christianity on this topic: “God…has chosen, in Christ, unto everlasting glory, out of His mere free grace and love, without any foresight of faith, good works, or perseverance in either of them, or any other thing in the creature as conditions or causes moving Him thereunto: and all to the praise of His glorious grace.”

“Let’s not underestimate the consequence of this faulty belief system. If we believe we are lovable despite the fact we are fallen creatures who sin every single day we misunderstand the very nature of what grace is. Not only that we insult Christ, who died for our sin, not our minor blemishes that could be over looked. Brokenness and humility and  honest of assessment of our own sin nature is the way to the cross. It is not believing that you, because you retain something of God’s image are worthy of redemption or lovable. God saves because of His love, mercy and grace.”

The path of self- love that is being taught is a teaching that is leading many astray.  

Self-Esteem Revisited

Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” And He said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ “This is the great and foremost commandment. “The second is like it, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ “On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets.” Matthew 22:26-40 (NASB)

Recently someone left a comment on a previous post I wrote on self-esteem:

Blog Reader said: "Self-esteem is your opinion of yourself. High self-esteem is a good opinion of you and low self-esteem is a bad opinion of yourself. Self-esteem is crucial and is a cornerstone of a positive attitude towards living."

I thought I would revisit this topic because it is so very important for us to understand. In many Christian circles there is little difference between Christian psychology and the humanistic, man-centered psychology of Maslow. This can be seen in how Christian psychologists define self-esteem and write about it: “The Christian psychologist, H. Norman Wright, describes self-esteem as one's sense of personal worthiness, as the feeling of "I am good."

"...self-worth, the feeling of significance is crucial to man's emotional, spiritual, and social stability, and is the driving element within the human spirit. Understanding this single need opens the door to understanding our actions and attitudes" –Robert McGee. Rapha Hospitals

"People have one basic personal need which requires two kinds of input for its satisfaction. The most basic need is a sense of personal worth, an acceptance of oneself as a whole, real person."

"The essential factor in Maslow's theory is that people are not motivated to meet the 'higher' needs until the 'lower' or more basic ones are met."  "...the last need of self-actualization allows for a non-egocentric other-centered motivation to give rather than to get." "In order to be well-adjusted, you must reach the stage of self-actualization"  (--Larry Crabb. Effective Biblical Counseling, Zondervan, 1977,)

The drift into the humanistic gospel of self-worth, self-esteem, and self-fulfillment should not surprise us as pragmatism drives the church growth movement.

Bill Hybels (Willow Creek) and Rick Warren (Saddleback) represent the tip of the spear that had morphed the gospel into preaching that meets “felt needs” and as we’ve seen the major “need” is for more self-esteem. This type of preaching “works” in that it appeals to our self-centered nature and people who lack discernment fall right into it. It fills up churches and it’s called evangelism.

In order to get away with this however, a church has to be willing to chuck doctrine and hermeneutics (how to interpret Scripture in a way that is faithful to what it meant to the original “hearers.).  In the seeker churches there is a near total absence of any substantive doctrinal teaching as well as an absence of a sound hermeneutic.  As a result, the theology of the lowest common denominator prevails and psychology becomes the substitute for sanctification.

The doctrine that has been sacrificed on the altar of church growth and pragmatism and had the self-esteem gospel substituted for it is the doctrine of Total Depravity.

The main commonality between secular psychology via Maslow and others and its Christian variants is the need for self-love. For the Christian to make this so-called need “biblical” a new hermeneutic had to be employed.

Jay Adams noted back in the 1980’s in his The Biblical View of Self-Esteem, Self-Love, Self-Image, that Christians who propagate these teachings do make a feeble show at finding self-esteem principles and practices in the Bible.

The key point to remember here is that in doing so, the approach to Scripture is backwards. We’re supposed  to go to the Scriptures to draw out what they say about this or that. In Christian psychology’s attempt to justify their teachings they go back to the Scriptures and read into them their theories and then say, “see, it’s in there.” It is a dangerous method.  (see Jay E. Adams, The Biblical View of Self-Esteem, Self-Love, Self-Image)

 Any system that proposes to solve human problems apart from the Bible and the power of the Holy Spirit is automatically condemned by Scripture itself.

Jesus plainly says the TWO greatest commandments are these; yet, psychologists like Trobisch add a third and give it precedence without so much as a bat of the eye.

There is no command in Scripture to love yourself! None.

Love God and love neighbor-two commands.

Christian psychology’s novel interpretation of Matt. 22:36-40 is based on accepting Maslow’s hierarchy of needs as gospel truth. Lower level needs need to be met before higher level needs. So, self-esteem (self-love) needs have to be met before self-actualization.

Another Christian psychologist (Philip Captain) puts it simply: “Love for God is dependent on love for neighbor, which is in turn dependent on love for self.”

There is no dependent relationship set up between the two commandments.

More next time.

Adapted from Reigning Grace Counseling Center Track 5 Training Program copy write  Bruce Roeder and Julie Ganschow. 

Enjoying A Difficult Child

Before I leave this topic, I thought I would tell you some things you can do and ways you can find enjoyment with your child even though you will be in the corrective process with him or her for quite some time. It is really important to let the child know that you want to be with him, that you actually enjoy his company! It would not be good for either of you to have the only attention he receives from you be correction and reproof.

Make time for fun and enjoyment. Allow the child to select something he or she really enjoys and make it happen. While you are engaged in the activity is not the time for general teaching on his sin issues, it is time for enjoying each other's company. Of course, you can't allow rank sin to go unchecked but be careful not to overreact to childish behavior. I'm sure you have heard of having "quality time" with your children, but I think that was invented by people who felt guilty for not spending time with their kids! Your children (even the difficult ones) must have time where you interact with them for no other reason than because you love them and are interested in them as people.

Hug and kiss your little one- a lot. I see parents who threaten and do withhold physical affection from their child because they are not meeting behavior standards. This is cruel. Your child equates your touch with love and if you refuse to hug and kiss them or even touch them because they have not behaved to your satisfaction you are giving them a very bad message.

Focus on their strengths. They are good at something, so find out what it is and spend time doing it with them and encouraging them to do it on their own. It is not about rewards and ribbons of achievement, although those are nice perks, it is all about you developing a relationship with them.

There will be times you will need to do things you simply don't want to do in developing a relationship and enjoying your child. I am not much of a game player, but there have been times I have sat on the floor and played "the dinosaur game" or matching the cards with my child even though I would have rather been doing anything else! Remember, it is not about you, it is about bringing glory to God and in this incidence developing relationship with your child will bring Him glory.

If your child is easily wound up or distracted, outside activities will be a great way to run off some of that energy and enjoy being together. What child does not enjoy a playground with swings and a slide, or a patch of grass to kick or throw the ball around on a sunny afternoon? Even a simple walk or jog with your child will mean the world to him or her. As you spend time together you will find openings to talk and bond over every-day things that are not related to behavior or problems the child has.

Each day will have its challenges of course, and there is no better way to face those challenges than to spend time in the Word of God. It is better if you can do this with your child! What I mean by this is to get down to your child's level of understanding and minister to his soul.  While I would not suggest this as an ongoing practice, there are Bibles that are done in cartoon format that a young child might be more interested in reading and looking through with you. As the child grows and matures in his or her understanding of the Bible you can move into a difference translation that is easy to read and understand. Please...do not expect your child to gravitate toward a version of the Bible such as the King James. Whatever your thoughts on this translation, few reasonable people would expect a young child or even an adolescent to understand the archaic language.

"I have hidden your Word in my heart that I might not sin against you." Psalm 119:11 (NASB)

You will begin to see changes in your child as you spend time with him or her. It is a given that everyone want to know they are loved and important, and when a child has a difficult personality or difficult behaviors they need to know that the most important people in their lives- their parents- are in their corner and on their side in life.

Other Reasons for An Angry Child

While the sinful heart is always in play in our lives we cannot deny there can be other factors that will promote anger in a child. These have to be examined in light of his or her regeneration and cannot be dismissed or ignored.  The world our children live in is much harsher, colder than the one you and I grew up in and I would also say it is a lot more dangerous. 


One possible reason for a child to be angry is difficulty in school. Children who struggle to learn battle more than just poor grades, they also are confronted by their peers who can be so cruel and mean.  Slow learners are made fun of and ostracized and school becomes a place of emotional torture for some.  


Children who are not gifted with an ability for sports are also ridiculed. Some kids are just not agile or built to play sports! One of my sons had the height for basketball, but nothing else that he needed to be a good player. As hard as he tried he was more of a hindrance than help on the court and it was discouraging to him! No one likes to be the last one picked in gym class or for a sports team.  When other players equate your reason for living with your ball handling skills it can be very upsetting.  


Children who are overweight, underweight, or with distinguishing features also have a hard time in school and anger can result. As I said, kids can be very cruel and when a child is the daily recipient of cutting remarks and other hurtful things anger becomes a lifestyle for them. 


Is the child overtired? When a child is tired it is a sure thing that crankiness will be the result. It is not reasonable to expect a young child to be shopping at midnight on Thanksgiving night! Yet I saw too many kids out with their parents getting "the deals" that could not wait, kid howling in the cart and parent yelling at them to "shut up."  


Is the child hungry, or bored, or in some other discomfort? Yes, these are all reasons kids get angry and there are heart attitudes to address in each one. 


The child who struggles in school for academic reasons; in addition to getting the child the help he or she needs I would suggest dealing with the heart issues as well. This child knows he is different, he knows he can't keep up and it is a cause for embarrassment for him. He does not understand that he is fearfully and wonderfully made (Ps. 139) and that God did not make a mistake when He put him together. You will have to deal with the issues of self-pity and possibly sorrow without hope (what the world calls depression) in addition to the outbursts of anger. Taking each sin issue and dealing with it on the heart level will help you and your child to understand that the anger problem is not only external, but internal first. 


What an opportunity to help your child understand the message of the cross!  Teach him to live his life to glorify God in whatever ways he can. Not everyone is intended to be an Einstein and that is ok! He needs to focus on glorifying God with his thoughts, beliefs, and desires and as he does his school work for the glory of God instead of A's and B's his attitude may change. 


When the kids in his school or neighborhood are cruel and mean he has a great opportunity to demonstrate Christ-likeness toward them. Teach him to live out 1 Peter as he suffers. 


For you have been called for this purpose, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in His steps, who committed no sin, nor was any deceit found in His mouth; and while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously;  1 Peter 1:21-23 (NASB)


This is a valuable lesson to learn at a young age! This change has to begin in his heart before it will be visible in his life. Continue to encourage him to show love to those who don't deserve it as Jesus has done for him. 


You must confront the sin of the child biblically. Keep addressing the root of the issues you see, not only or even primarily the behaviors. Ask questions instead of making statements at them. Seek to learn what they are thinking about, ask them what they believe to be true about something or someone who is troubling them. What do they believe to be true about themselves? These questions can open doors for you to see in your child's heart and develop biblical strategies for change on that level.  Just like adults they must also be transformed by the renewing of their mind (Rom. 12:2). 

January 13, A Lasting Legacy

Three years ago today my Mom went to heaven. Today's post is partially composed of what I posted the day she left us. As it was then, I am experiencing a great bundle of different emotions. It is hard to believe in one sense that it has been three years and in another way I cannot believe how much has changed in the span of only three "short" years. 


I helped my Dad take care of my Mom in the last few years of her life. My siblings were also of great help, but because I didn't work a traditional job I was most available and spend considerable time with my parents at doctor visits and later on when hospice became involved. 


From January 13, 2009: 


My desire in all this from the beginning was to glorify God in caring for and ministering to my mom. I made her certain promises along the way, and by God's grace I kept every one. I already miss her, but I have been missing her for a long time already. What was left of her in the end was not at all who my mom "is" but just remnants of her. In spite of the misery she experienced daily living with emphysema and COPD and arthritis, occasionally we would be treated to a little of the old mom. She would pop off a one liner that really cracked us up! My mom had the greatest sense of humor! 


My mom taught me how to be a wife and a mom, and I think that is her lasting legacy in my life. It was because of what I saw in her that I really only ever wanted to be a wife and mother rather then pursue college or a career. I watched how much she absolutely loved everything about both of those things and it made me want what she had. Mom loved to cook and bake and clean the house. She loved and excelled at the tasks many women frowned on. To her they were not drudgery, they were love. She fussed over the details of meals, making sure all the colors were on the plate. She loved to make the food look nice on the plate. When it was time to plan the Christmas or Easter meals, she would plan out every detail. She had a pile of cookbooks and would pour over them looking for ideas. 


She loved gadgets and had just about every one there was. Not many people can boast they have an electric potato peeler! Sometimes she would buy something for the kitchen just because it was cute! 


My mom was sacrificial. I remember her buying something for me that I only wanted and forgoing something for herself that she may have needed. Many people have commented on how we have cared for our parents during mom's illness, and this too is a testimony to things that were instilled in us. 


My mom was one of my best friends. She and I just hung out together. We enjoyed many of the same things and until the past few years we spent many hours a week together. We made Christmas ornaments, cookies, painted things, shopped together and ate at our favorite Red Lobster whenever we could. 


She is a part of me, in more ways than the usual mother-daughter relationship. I valued her opinion and perspective and I learned so much from her. Her influence in my life cannot be overstated nor can it be replaced. 


I will miss you Mom...as I told you (today) as you were taking your final breaths, for you and me this is not "goodbye" it is "see ya later." Because you chose to trust Christ as your Savior we will meet again in His presence one day. Tonight as I write this, you have been with Him for 12 whole hours. The first 12 of eternity! I know you know now that I was right about all I taught you from the Bible about salvation. That brings me more joy than you can understand! It makes the loss of your presence more bearable to me.


My kids tell me all the time that I am the best mom ever...if that is the case, it is because I learned it from you, the best mom ever. 


Three years later, I still miss you Mom. I know we will see each other again one day. 


I love you, 


Julie

Understanding the Angry Child

Yesterday we began looking at the issue of having an angry child. I pointed out that children are sinners just like the rest of us and struggle with sin too. The sin of anger in a child does not begin with the behavior, it begins in the heart of the child. The child's desires are being denied, his perceived rights are being violated, he believes he is entitled to something he cannot have so he explodes in anger. 

I ended the last post by pointing out another of the possible reasons children become angry; their parents. What I mean by that is while each person is responsible for their on sin, parents have a primary role in the lives of their children and our sin can affect them! I suggested that parents follow the Scriptural admonition of Matt 7:3-5 and examine themselves and in so doing get the log out of their own eye. When a parent realized they have sinned against God and their child, go to that child and confess the sin and ask forgiveness of the child. This demonstrates great humility and will make a huge impact on the child.  Make this an ongoing practice in your life with everyone you know, not just your kids. 


You must understand that the best thing you can do for your child is to help him or her understand that anger isn't something that just "happens" and they are not a hapless victim of some unseen or external force that "makes me mad."  Help them understand that anger is a response, it is a result of what they are thinking, believing, and desiring in their heart. It is very common for people to want to shift the blame for sin onto something outside of themselves. The child will want to blame you as the parent, their siblings, the teacher, the bus driver, being tired, and any number of other things for his anger.  You must begin to teach the child that he and he alone is responsible for his anger. 


Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by God”; for God cannot be tempted by evil, and He Himself does not tempt anyone. But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust. Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death. James 1:13-15 (NASB)


No one can force another person to become angry or to sin in any way. It is always a choice, and it is always a result of the thoughts, beliefs, and desires of the heart. 


To begin to help your child with this new way of thinking, you must teach him or her biblical truth. Even young children can be taught that sin does not glorify God, and this is where the teaching should begin. Teach your child that their purpose in life is to bring glory to God. 


Therefore we also have as our ambition, whether at home or absent, to be pleasing to Him. 2 Cor. 5:9 (NASB)


Teach your child that when he sins in his anger he is sinning against God. This will help you take your focus off of the behavior and put it on what is motivating the behavior, the issues of the heart.  


You will need to learn the art of asking good questions, and be able to employ them when your child is becoming angry. For example, when you see anger building or you know from experience that how you respond to the child will normally result in his being angry you could ask the following questions: 

• Do you realize that you are becoming angry?
• What do you think would be a better response instead of getting angry?
• What could you do instead of becoming angry?
• What do you want that you are not getting?
• What are you getting that you do not want?
• Does your anger glorify God?  
• What kind of response would glorify God? 
• What specifically are you thinking about right now?
• Do you think you are "owed" this thing (if he is being denied an object or treat)
• Are you thinking of yourself right now?
• Are you thinking of others right now?

Asking questions like these will help you to see what is going on inside his heart and will help you to know how to respond on the heart level. Now you must also realize that your child may not like these questions and may try to avoid answering or may even try to respond in anger as you ask them. Be patient and gently persist  by talking with him and asking the questions.

You will be teaching your child as you talk with him in these precious moments and he is learning much more from how you handle his anger than you can ever teach him by only talking. Your responses are also revealing your heart. You are hopefully modeling godly responses and your child will learn very much from you in this way.

I will have more on this next time. 

The Angry Child

Parents of angry children are frequently at a loss as to what to do with them and for them. Life is somewhat of a whirlwind in the family, as everyone tries to keep the child from exploding into a fit of rage. 


Angry children tantrum, break and smash things, throw things, scream, hit others and themselves, destroy harmony in the home, cause friction in marital relationships and in sibling relationships.  Typically other family members will walk on eggshells around the angry child and this raises the already high levels of tension and misery in the home. 


The root of anger in a child is the same as the root in an adult; it is an issue of the heart.  The Bible is clear that evil thoughts, beliefs, and desires come from the heart (Matt. 15:19; Gal. 5: 19-21). 


“The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good; and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart. Luke 6:45 (NASB) 


Because anger is an issue of the heart, "managing" the child's anger is an ill-fated course of action. Sin can not be managed, it must be repented of! Please don't be discouraged by this news, it is actually wonderful news! If what your child is dealing with is sin, then he or she can change and in Christ the change can be lasting change. This should fill your heart with hope for your child's future! 


You might be wondering where all this anger came from in your little one. While he or she was born with a sin nature and with a propensity toward sin (Romans 5:12) when a child demonstrates out of control anger as a habitual behavior there may be more to it than meets the eye. 


Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Eph 6:4 (NASB)


While each person is responsible before God for their own sin (children included), parents have a primary role in the lives of their kids and our sin can affect them and actually contribute to the sin problems our children have. This demands that we as parents begin by looking within, examining ourselves in the light of Scripture, and taking the log out of our own eye (Matt. 7:3-5) before we can begin to really address the issues of the child. 


You must deal with your own sinful heart and ask the Lord to reveal your sinful issues in dealing with your child. Some questions to ask yourself would be: 

• Are you consistent in disciplining your child? 
• Are your expectations age-appropriate and have you clearly communicated these expectations to your child? Do they honestly understand your expectations?
• Do you discipline in anger? 
• Do you compare your children to each other?
• Do you yell or scream when angry?

These are just a few of the ways that parents sin against their children and foster anger in their heart. The remedy is the same for you as it is for them, bring your sin out in the open by confessing it to God. Bring it to the cross and deal with it in light of the gospel. Admit to your child that you too struggle with sin and in the ways that you know you have sinned against him or her confess and ask for their forgiveness.  In doing so you will find freedom from the sin that has held you captive and you will also soften your child's heart toward you. 


One of the best things I ever did was to confess and ask forgiveness when I sinned against my kids. The first time they were astonished! They could not believe that their Mom was humbling herself in this way and it went a long way to furthering our relationships. 


More tomorrow!