Ultimately, It Is All About Worship

For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate. Romans 7:15 (NASB)

Time after time I am asked by those I minister to why we continue to struggle with sin. They ask why we just can't move on to the next thing and be done with the struggles. Most of us want to do what is right, we want to honor God, and we want to serve others- until we are given another option.  It is so easy to think all the right things, isn't it? It is easy to be objective and look at sin and tell ourselves and others that we never want to go there; we never want to go back when it is not staring us in the face.

What is it that leads us to return to the sinful actions we despise? Sometimes we want to fit in with our friends and family.  We think it will feel good to blend in and be one of them for just a little while.  The heart longs for that connection with our brothers and sisters and other family members who do not understand what our life in Christ is about.  Our friends have disappeared and we find ourselves alone more than we would like to be alone.  We succumb to the temptation to "be one of them again" in whatever form we have to take to do that. It doesn't have to be a major crash like drug use or drunkenness,  it can be viewing a movie or program that causes you to stumble or having just one alcoholic drink.

It is not always what is done, it is the reason and the heart behind the reason. Returning to old sinful behaviors is a result of having old sinful desires of the heart. Returning to things of old reveals that a person still struggles with worship in a particular area of the heart.

Our actions are the end results of things we want or desire and those desires begin in the heart. When you and I make decisions to do something or have something we are fulfilling the desires that are born in the heart; the immaterial part of us that the Bible talks about hundreds and hundreds of times.

When a person returns to old sinful actions to "fit in" or be a part of their old life in some way it is because they desire to please themselves or to please others more than they desire to glorify and honor God.  The desire for "self" is stronger than their love for God in those minutes or hours.  You might want to argue that with me and I understand that desire too... Sin hates exposure and there is nothing like having to look at the logs in your own eye to rile a person up with self-righteousness, justification, and rationalization.

Let me encourage you to take a different path with this realization. Take the path of self-examination instead. Check yourself in light of God's Word and see if He is your first love, if His will is your first thought, and His glory is your highest goal and desire.  Then follow the exhortations of James, the brother of Jesus:

But He gives a greater grace. Therefore it says, “God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be miserable and mourn and weep; let your laughter be turned into mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you. James 4:6-10 (NASB)

1.0 Demystifying Biblical Counseling

Finally Friday! Today you are being treated to a great post by my friend and former co-counselor, Pastor Bruce Roeder from  Missio Dei Fellowship, in Kenosha Wisconsin. He is "musing" on a great book by Jim Berg, Changed into His Image.  I suggest you check out his blog My Stuff That Interests Me Blog. I will be back on Monday! 

Over the years I've noticed that many people seem to be a bit mystified as to what a biblical counselor is and more importantly what he or she does.  Part of the reason for the mystification if I can put it that way is because of the use of the word "counseling." 

Culturally speaking, counseling suggests psychology and psychiatry, therapy and medications, recovery and emotional healing.  To some then, a biblical counselor is someone who, in some way, uses the Bible in a therapeutic way to assist in recovery and emotional healing.

Some conclude that a "biblical counselor" must therefore have training that is similar to that of a psychologist. Some biblical counselors in fact do have training in psychology. To what extent it influences their approach to what is called biblical counseling is a variable. (I had two courses in psychology in the interest of full disclosure.)

The way I attempt to demystify biblical counseling is to explain that counseling is nothing more than discipleship. This is often news to those confused about the terms.

I then explain that certified biblical counselors (NANC, IABC) and those who have been trained in crisis counseling (but are not necessarily certified) are usually sought out because the person is in some sort of a crisis. In this way, a biblical counselor is similar to the psychologist in that most people go to a psychologist because they feel they are in a crisis of some sort.

But that is usually where the similarity ends and that's because the true biblical counselor counsels out of their theological background and not through whatever psychology they have picked up on the way.

This is an important distinction and it means that the number one thing the biblical counselor is interested in is the progressive sanctification of the counselee, even in, especially in, the crisis they are experiencing. Thus, biblical counseling is nothing more than intensive discipleship, usually for a short duration of roughly 6-10 meetings. Keep in mind that many people who seek out psychologists can be in therapy for years.

In fact, after the crisis has passed or been dealt with scripturally the biblical counselor returns the counselee back into the mainstream of discipleship ministry, meaning whatever their church offers as a model of "normal" discipleship training.

Here's why.

People come to the biblical counselor because they are usually in some sort of crisis (not always though). They are seeking relief from fear, worry, anxiety, discouragement, rebellious children, adultery recovery, drug abuse, guilt, despair and any number of problems common to man.

What is it they need?

Let me submit to you that what they need is the application of the gospel so that they change to be more like Christ. That is progressive sanctification and in that way the biblical counselor is nothing more than someone trained to help disciple them through the crisis.

So, what is necessary for any person wishing to give biblical counsel to another?

1.       Knowledge of what progressive sanctification is and (is not).

2.       Serious application to one's life. (You can't give away what you yourself do not apply.)

I like Jim Berg's definition of discipleship: Discipleship is helping another believer make biblical change toward Christlikeness. Changed into His Image, Jim Berg, page 11.

Isn't that something we all should be striving to do?

Can I Do This?

Frequently I am asked this question: "Do you think I could do what you do?"  I believe we are all to have a one-another ministry so my answer to that question is, "Yes." I do think there are some things to think about in going forward and I have listed them in today's blog. 


If you are going to be involved in ministering to women, the first piece of advise I have for you is to be loving as you listen and talk with them. Imitate Christ who was loving as He dealt with struggling people. 


Be humble as you listen and evaluate the issues of the heart. Your thoughts will show on your face and in your body language. Think about this: if you were looking at you what would you see? Would you see an angry face, clenched teeth, or rolling eyes? Our reactions can indicate attitudes of pride and superiority to a counselee. Remember that you are as prone to sin the very same sins they bring to the table. If you were in the other chair, how would you want to be spoken to? What would prick your conscience? 

Sometimes her problem will be one that you know you have but have not dealt with. God is gracious in that while you pray and prepare to minister to her you are also learning about yourself. You will discover more about your own heart than you ever imagined. 


You will learn to preach truth to yourself as the Lord uses your time with her to convict your own heart of sin. If you hope to be a good counselor you will need to be God's counselee. Therefore, you will get good at preaching truth to yourself.  


As a counselor people will see you as a light for the blind and as a leader. I know there are some people who believe that leaders should be bullet proof, that they should never show weakness or be vulnerable. I disagree with this idea. I think it sets us up as somehow superior to the people we minister to. I have found that people respond much better to my counsel when they know that I am a real person, with real problems, just like them! I do not ever want to present myself as a person who has it all together or as some super Christian who has "leveled up" over them. 

It is a good thing to help your counselee’s understand that you have burdens in your own life to bear and deal with. This will come out as you gain involvement, in talking and connecting on a peer level with them. This is an advantage we have to not being “professionals!” We are encouraged to connect with people on their level; which is the level ground at the foot of the cross.


I would encourage you to pray about these things if you are considering being a discipleship counselor. It is a ministry that brings great rewards. 

Sexual Immorality

One of the reasons I write so frequently on the topic of sexual immorality is because it is the number one topic that is searched for by those who find this blog. It is obviously an epidemic, even in the church.

One reason woman search is they have learned their husband has been involved in some aspect of sexual immorality and are looking for help, healing, and hope. If this is you today I know that you have no idea what to do with the heartache that has claimed your life.

Many Christian men involved in sexual immorality genuinely want to stop. They know it is wrong, and when they are not tempted to sin they want to stop. They also are disgusted by their behaviors when they are able to think about them objectively.

It is important you realize that sexual immorality (adultery) does not happen in a vacuum.  I don’t think there is ever a day that a man wakes up and says, “I think I will go and be sexually immoral (commit adultery) today.” There is always some underlying issue of the heart that begins long before he ever takes the step of physical adultery or clicks on that porn site on the computer.

The human heart is set on gratifying self, this is a universal truth and it applies to everyone. Those who have been regenerated by Christ and are fortunate to be in a good church are taught that they are to deny themselves, life is not about them, and they are to live and use their lives to glorify God.

However, we are still sinners and often we struggle with the gargantuan desires of the flesh. Ephesians 4:18-19 says sinful desires make a person’s heart hard to the truth of God’s commands and can lead even a Christian to act as an unbeliever does.

When a person does something they know is contrary to God’s Word they will experience guilt and shame. Despite the lies of the heart, a person involved in sexual sin does not have peace.

Some men who have committed physical adultery will say they never imagined themselves as the object of the desire of another woman. Their self-image led them to find it unbelievable that another woman besides their wife would find them attractive or desirable.

Often time’s men know they are the object of lustful looks by other women. Some were promiscuous before marriage and had other sexual partners right up to their wedding day. They enjoy the attention given to them by women and don’t think there is anything wrong with flirting after marriage.

Many adulterers will want to believe that they just “fell into” the relationship; that they did nothing to promote it or are not responsible for what happened.

Men who are caught using pornography will often give excuses for being found with it on their computers. They will say that they don’t know how it got there, or they were surfing the internet for something innocent and pop-up just appeared on their screen with no prompting from them. They may claim innocence saying they allowed a friend or their child to use the computer and this is how it came back.

Sometimes a husband will admit he has been watching pornography and blame his wife for his “need” to do so. Men will say that their wives are not satisfying them sexually or often enough. Some will even try to legitimize their use of porn by saying their wives have a lack of interest in sex so they don’t want to bother them with it.

People give a variety of reasons for sexual immorality and adultery; too many to list actually! Whatever the reason given you must understand there is really only one reason; he has a sinful heart. Please understand, you cannot order or command him to stop his sinful behavior and expect it to stop. No amount of threats or tears or emotional manipulation will reach the problem that lives deep within him, because it is a spiritual problem long before it becomes a physical problem.

Why Counsel?

I had a wonderful time last evening meeting with a young woman who is interested in beginning our training classes in January. She is completing her degree in Psychology and has no plans to use it! One of the things she said as we talked is that what she has learned in college really is of no value in helping people truly change the way they need to change. She is correct in her conclusion. 

That is one of the many reasons we chose to become biblical counselors instead of therapists or secular counselors. Biblical counselors are not therapists, we are conduit. I make no claim to offer psychotherapy or therapy to anyone! As a biblical counselor, my goal is to help the counselee to understand what needs to change is their heart and then help them to implement changes that apply to the wrong behaviors and attitudes. I don't change anyone. I don't have the power or the ability to change anyone, that is the realm of the Holy Spirit. I would never want such responsibility in the life of a person. 

Because of the pervasive attitude of “therapy” often counselee’s assume we are here to listen to them vent and that we are their sounding boards to bounce things off of. While talking is our methodology in biblical counseling, we do not encourage or even tolerate venting. If you tell me something and it contains unbiblical thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes I will challenge you. 

If you wish to counsel biblically, you must be confident in God’s Word. You must truly believe that God’s Word is enough to change the heart and life of a person. You must believe that it has the answer to every single problem man faces. You must believe that God’s Word is the only unchangeable source of material you have written by an infallible Author. There are certainly times you will be tempted to go to a secular source, but you will find no answers there that are long lasting. Also, the counselee has most likely already tried to go to a secular source for answers and found none! They may be nearly hopeless from that encounter. They come to us deeply desiring something different and something that will actually work! 

I have had counselee’s tell me they went to “Christian counseling” and the counselor never opened their Bible! These counselors used psychological theories and jargon and the counselee walked away as empty as they arrived. Do not apologize for making the Word of God your standard. Stand strong in the face of "the experts" who may intimidate you or try to intimidate you with their jargon. 

What is Needed?

"In Him you have been made complete."  Col 2:10


I am in the process of writing a new book, and a part of writing is research. I love research, but because of the topic of the new book I am spending more time than I would like to spend thinking about the “wisdom” and philosophies of this present age.

As I research I am examining the thinking and belief systems of various people. These are people with multiple college degrees, doctorates, and men and women who are respected in their profession. What I am learning as I look into their lives is they are almost exclusively immoral and their philosophy of life is built to suit their immorality. I find no wisdom of any value in any of them.

Where do we find our wisdom? Where do we find our knowledge?


Where is the wise man? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not come to know God, God was well-pleased through the foolishness of the message preached to save those who believe. 1 Corinthians 2:20-21 (NASB)


Everything that means anything is found in Christ and in the message of the gospel. All that we need for this life and the one to come is found in Christ. The answer to the sickness of the soul, the brokenness of heart, and the warpage of the mind are all found in Christ. We are complete in Him.


People who look for solace in the things of the world will come up empty again and again. There is no joy, there is no hope and there certainly is no peace in the philosophies of men or the world, only in Christ.


You have no need of Christ plus anything. No religion or ceremony, you don’t have to be good enough (because you could never be good enough), or have an “experience” of some kind.  The Bible says it is all about knowing Him and being known by Him. It is that simple. It is all about Christ, and nothing else.

A Reminder of Precious Truth

There are times in life where I have to remind myself of things I already know...


I delight in being an impoverished beggar. While not in the physical sense I certainly am in the spiritual sense! It was not always so! I am a competent and intelligent woman who loves logic and reason. I like things to make sense and I like to figure out what makes things tick. So becoming an impoverished beggar is/was not an easy thing for me but I have learned it is true.

I am completely dependent on someone else for my salvation. As a beggar I have no means to affect my own regeneration, forgiveness, or justification. I am incapable of accomplishing this in any respect. I had to surrender any belief that I could and I had to submit myself to the plan of someone else. I had to come hat in hand and humbly ask someone to do for me what I could not do and accept that it had cost them everything they had in the process.

Another thing I had to accept as an impoverished beggar was that even the purpose for my life was now not my own! I had different plans and dreams...but because I am a simple beggar who was redeemed out of the pit I am beholden to another, the One who has paid my ransom. I must now do the things that He has determined I would do for this is why He paid my debt, that I might serve Him alone.

The job is hard and often times it brings me sorrow for I am constantly giving up what I would rather be doing for His plan and purpose in each day. I have become sensitive and compassionate to the needs of others often placing my own wants aside for the purpose of serving them and assisting them as they struggle and wrestle with life.

The beggar has no rights and is submissive to the authority of the Master, realizing that everything I have and everything I am is because of Him and I am His. I can lay claim to nothing, not even my next breath...

Because of this, life has changed and I see that my strengths must be subjected to His will and His demands for my time and attention. A driving pursuit for God's righteousness has taken hold as I become more and more committed to honoring my Savior who I find I know so little about. The hunger of my soul is not satisfied with bread and wine, it can only be sated by filling it with Truth and the pure milk of the Word of God.

As a mere beggar I am in constant need of constant grace and mercy from my Benefactor. I must respond in like manner to those who offend and bruise me with hurtful words and actions. I must be able to accept and even to bear the sin of other people for that is what has been demonstrated to me. My ability to do so is an outward indication of the reality of my purchase, my being ransomed. My struggles to do so are an indication that I am in process; that this is a completely new way of life for a beggar who was used to a life of complete selfishness and self-indulgence.

I am learning this new way of life. I am a beggar-turned-princess, orphan-turned-beloved child of the King and this new way of life demands a new way of thinking. No longer can I dumpster dive into the filth of the world, I must now eat at the table of royalty. Although I am a beggar I have been washed and cleansed and I must now begin to think and believe that what I am in appearance I am internally.

The changes could lead me to a prideful spirit, but I must maintain humility and never forget I am always at the feet of my Master the King.

My King is not beloved by everyone, in fact some truly hate and despise my Lord. There will be times I will be called upon to make a defense for the changes within me and those that are visible. Not all people will accept that the King would love and accept a beggar such as I. My mere claim to belong to Him will lead some to hate Him all the more, and to hate me! As a grateful beggar I accept that I may be harassed and persecuted and even injured unto death for His Name's sake. I will accept this gratefully.

In all these things I will rejoice and be exceedingly glad for great is my reward both now and in eternity!

Matthew 5:3-12 in personal application format

The Necessity of Repentance in Change

Before any meaningful change will take place in your life there has to first be an awareness of sin and a desire for repentance.

I am sad to say that this is something that is not preached or taught in the majority of churches in our day. Too many pastors are fearful of offending people by calling a sin "a sin." Our church confronts on going sinful behavior and we do practice the ministry of reconciliation found in Matthew 18. However, I know this is not the case among many of you who read today. Your pastor does not confront sin in the church. He is willing to talk about mistakes and how to live a good life, and be a good person but out of fear of affecting the collection plate he will not talk about sin. Not being a pastor, I have the luxury of calling 'em as I see 'em (to use an old baseball phrase).

This is not a post of judgment, nor accusation of you as you struggle to deal with the sin in your life, it is a reminder that there is simply far, far, too much sin being condoned among Christians! I include myself in this because I too live in the world and am assaulted by my own sinful desires constantly! I am not so prideful I will say I have got this all down, because I don't. In fact, a recent situation is what encouraged me to write a blog on this topic.

Before you will cease sinning in your heart you must be convinced that what you are doing or saying is sinful and an unholy affront to God. If you are thinking you are going to stop a behavior pattern simply because someone is angry with you, or you have been rebuked, or even because it is going to cost you money- you are wrong. You may cease for a while, "be good" for a while, but unless change of heart accompanies and even precedes the actions you are simply rearranging your flesh.

Heart change begins with conviction. This is why I believe so much counseling fails. The counselor is more concerned with being a friend than pointing out what the Bible says about our thoughts, beliefs, and desires as being sinful. I maintain that if I am your friend I have the responsibility to teach, rebuke, correct and train you in righteousness by the Word of God and you as my friend have the same duty toward me. Mutual accountability in the Body of Christ is necessary for our growth and change, because it is a tool leading to conviction of the heart.

How do we describe conviction? Is conviction a feeling? Is it a sensation of sickness in the pit of your stomach? Does it bring shame and condemnation? Conviction of sin arises when we are convinced that something we have said, done, or thought is wrong. It is a work of the informed conscience regarding something the Bible teaches or something we have been taught the Bible or our religion teaches.

The closest I can find in the Bible to what I am trying to say is in Romans 2, a parenthetical verse which is in reference to Gentiles who obey the law even though they are not bound by the law. Look here:

Indeed, when Gentiles, who do not have the law, do by nature things required by the law, they are a law for themselves, even though they do not have the law, since they show that the requirements of the law are written on their hearts, their consciences also bearing witness, and their thoughts now accusing, now even defending them.  Romans 2:14-15

My definition of conviction would be: When "right" is inscribed upon our hearts through the ministry of the Holy Spirit, and our moral conscience testifies with our thoughts, intervening or adjoining with our thoughts and conscience that what we have done is wrong, we experience the knowledge that we have offended a Holy God.

Our response to such conviction further reveals the condition of our heart. If our reaction is like that of Peter who went out and wept bitterly (Luke 22:62) we are on the right path. If our response is like that of many who determine to justify their sin, qualify their apology, and set aside the biblical command to confess and repent there will be further trouble to come.

This is why I maintain that repentance is required for change. If a person refuses to repent of their sin there is no reason to believe they desire to live their life to glorify God.

Grace is Sufficient for You

And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that always having all sufficiency in everything, you may have an abundance for every good deed 2 Corinthians 9:8 (NASB)

And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NASB)

Grace is sufficient. So many times I hear people say they don’t think they can do it - they can’t bear up under the strain or under the persecution. They tell me how weak they are, and I tell them to rejoice in that weakness! Because then they can really see that it is not them doing it--it is Christ! The grace of God is enough to carry them through!

Grace is sufficient, and it is enough. If it were not enough, God would have made a better provision. 

I also have to remind myself that God’s grace will be present in abundance when I need it and not before. I cannot store up grace for a rainy day like I can my pennies; it will be sufficient and not lacking anything in that moment.

For sin shall not be master over you, for you are not under law but under grace. Romans 6:14 (NASB)

I really love this passage of Scripture. When I first realized this, I think I about flew out of my seat! 

Romans 6:1 says, “Are we to continue to live as though we are still slaves to sin? How can we who have been freed from sin still live as though we are still owned by it.” 

Realizing that grace is in my life changes my perspective on things, people and circumstances. When I view all of life through the lens of God’s grace demonstrated toward me, I have no other alternative than to change how I live.

Some may disagree with my statement because of the issue of free will. My position is that a true believer will change because of the Spirit-life within.  No mere will of man can overcome the power of the living God. Yes, some of us may change slower than others, but all of us will be changed.

When the sinner, through the power of the Holy Spirit, begins to understand the enormity of what grace has done for them, their desire becomes one of change to bring Him glory. If there is not a lifestyle of desiring to change (even though struggling or failing as change is attempted), then I have to question the validity of the salvation testimony.

When we realize that we are now free from all of the “have to’s” in obeying sin, our perspective on that sin changes immediately.

I have no choice but to conclude that I sin because I like its temporary results; I like the rush, the immediate gratification, and the clandestine feeling that I am getting away with something. I deceive myself by thinking sin brings me pleasure when in reality it does not - not true pleasure, not pleasure without guilty feelings. This is because always after the immediate gratification comes the immediate understanding that I have taken this wonderful grace and abused it and trampled it carelessly. 

This is the realization of grace--the understanding that God has given us this wonderful gift that I surely do not deserve and has not given me all the misery I do deserve. He has brought me into His kingdom as His child and given me the riches of this kingdom, having lifted me out of slavery and misery and given me His inheritance. The realization that these things are true about me and cannot be revoked or taken away by anyone causes me to fall down and worship Him, and to live out this worship in life and demonstrate it to others.

The Wilderness of Trusting Man

Does it seem that you are always struggling with various circumstances in life? Does each new day bring serious decisions to be made? Allow me to encourage you to seek wisdom, direction, and comfort from the Lord in your trying times.

As you wrestle with things be careful not to make the opinions of man more important that the Word of God.  As I sat down with my Bible today I was reminded of the verses in Jeremiah 17:5-8 that begin in this way:

"Cursed is the man who puts his trust in man, and makes flesh his strength, whose heart departs from the  Lord…”

The passage goes on to say that putting your trust in man and taking pride in your own strength is like being like a shrub in the desert that inhabits the parched places in the wilderness. I can tell you from experience that there is nothing good that comes from trusting man over God. 

Does it seem that (like me) you start out strong with the Lord, looking to Him for your answers and putting your trust in His word but you tend to fade in the long stretches...when the road gets long and rough?

In discussing this with other women the consensus is that in general we begin by praying and wanting what God wants for us, but over time we become wrapped up in the opinions of other people as to how we should go through troublesome times. We make their opinions more important than Scripture, and we adopt sinful attitudes with respect to our afflictions.

Remember that all that is of this world - including your suffering and affliction- is temporary. 

“For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison.” 2 Corinthians 4:17

While Paul describes the afflictions of this life as “light” and “momentary” and our sufferings as temporary and designed only for this lifetime there are times I certainly struggle to focus on the eternal weight of glory they are producing (Romans 8:18)

Do you have a hard time with the thought that your present suffering will cause future glory? This is a tremendous promise! All of the difficulties, and trials, and sorrow and suffering that you and I endure in this life is affecting a change in the image of who we will become in eternity! This makes every single moment of our suffering very significant.

Even the worst of our sufferings are light compared with that “eternal weight of glory” which they are producing (1 Peter 5:10; 1 Peter 1:6; 2 Cor. 4:17.) They are nothing in duration!

Because of our finite abilities, the human mind really does not have any concept of how long eternity is.  We have to take by faith that our sufferings are but for a moment; but the glory we will experience will be eternal. Our sufferings will soon pass away; but the glory we will one day experience is never going to end. 

Paul wanted us to get two ideas in as emphatic a manner as possible; first, that his afflictions were light, and, secondly, that they were momentary, and soon passing away. His object was to contrast trials with the glory that awaited him, as being heavy, and as being also eternal. He may not have understood it either, but he believed it by faith. He tells us that he learned to trust God through trials that began the moment he began to preach Christ.

In the same way, your afflictions are working, producing, and affecting future glory. This is why we are to set our minds on what is to come. Not on the problems, the suffering, or the afflictions but the glory that is to come! Think of what God is accomplishing and the changes that have been made in your heart and life. Think of how your perspective has changed on things as a result of your trials, and by all means, stay out of the wilderness of human opinion. 

The Public Face of Private Sin

Sin is never isolated and it never affects only the sinner. If there is one thing for sure and for certain it is that individual sin reaches far and wide into families. Much like the rings that emanate from a pebble tossed into a still pool of water, the ripple effects of the sin of one person affect many other people.We see this pattern in Scripture (Rom 5:12) where one man sinned and it affected the whole world

We don't tend to think of our clandestine and private sins in that manner. Our deceitful hearts convince us that "no one will know" or that we are not hurting anyone else by what we do in secret but in reality nothing is further from the truth.

When a man or woman views pornography they are on some level affecting their spouse. Their thought life becomes perverted, their desires turn toward unholy things, and the Spirit-life within them is dulled so they no longer desire to fellowship with God. These consequences affect marriage on numerous levels outside of the bedroom! Communication is stunted, relationships suffer, tempers flare; all because of a sin "that won't hurt anyone."

When a woman lies about spending or money, hiding purchases or having credit card bills sent to other addresses (yes, this is done all the time!) she may deceive herself into believing that it is better than having constant fights with her husband over money or worrying him about the budget. This is also revealing the foolishness of the heart. Obviously how money is spent does affect the whole family! Everything from bill paying to food purchases is affected on a practical level, and those important relationships are affected because secrets are a fertile breeding ground for sin! One lie leads to another lie that leads to omission of truth that leads to ongoing deception. There is no openness or oneness in such relationships.

Couples that decide to live together before marriage also think that what they are doing won't hurt anyone. If this is true, then why do many hide the fact? In Christian and other religious families it is particularly devastating when it is learned that children have forsaken all the morals and values they were raised with to shack up before marriage. It ruins trust and calls into question the true regeneration of our kids when they so blatantly disregard Scripture.

Additionally, living together before marriage has long lasting consequences on that marriage. God will not be mocked, and pretending to be married and living as though you are will bring tragic and heartbreaking results to your relationship. A lack of trust, disrespect, a lack of oneness, poor communication, a lack of desire for intimacy on the part of the woman and more sorrowful consequences than this particular post is intended to list.

Becoming involved with an unbeliever also will affect entire families. Even though the disobedient Christian will bear the most direct results of this sin (2 Cor 6:14) others are also hurt by this relationship. When a believing child decides to disregard Scripture and marry an unbeliever it causes strife within the family, heartache for the parents, and separates siblings. If and when the marriage crumbles the children suffer as their parents split up and split them up through divorce.

While sin can take place in private its affects are far reaching and often tragic. Never be so foolish to think that your sin does not hurt anyone else.

Thinking of the Past

Have you ever noticed how many stories there are in the Bible?  There are so many life stories of those who have gone before us.  We can read about many people from beginning to end. There are stories of their families, battles, triumphs and tragedies. Why has God given us these historical records to read and review? Is it because He is a good story teller? Does He want to give us something to read beside doctrine?

The answer is that those records are there for us to learn from, to help us learn from their mistakes. You may be familiar with the saying, “hindsight is 20/20” and through the Bible; we have the benefit of seeing how decisions at one end of their life have affected them at the other end of their life. Sometimes there were devastating results, and other times there were glorious ones.

I want you to understand that your past can be of great benefit to you.

For example, you can use the victories God has given you in the past to go on to another victory in the future.  Previous victories help you to face challenges with strength and confidence.

Take a minute and recall the story of a young man named David.  David took his sling and told the King he would go and fight Goliath.  Saul was not in favor of this, as David was just a boy but David was very confident he would prevail. He told King Saul about the time he saved one of his sheep from a lion and a bear.  He said to King Saul:

“Your servant used to keep his father’s sheep, and when a lion or a bear came and took a lamb out of the flock, I went out after it and struck it, and delivered the lamb from its mouth; and when it arose against me, I caught it by its beard, and struck and killed it. Your servant has killed both lion and bear; and this uncircumcised Philistine will be like one of them, seeing he has defied the armies of the living God.” Moreover David said, “The Lord, who delivered me from the paw of the lion and from the paw of the bear, He will deliver me from the hand of this Philistine.” And Saul said to David, “Go, and the Lord be with you!” 1 Samuel 17:34-37 (NKJV)

Recalling the past was of great benefit to both David and ultimately to the nation of Israel.

Recalling the past can also help us to handle trials in the present. As Job grappled with the loss of all things and nearly all the people who he loved in his life, he thought about the goodness of God.

Shall we indeed accept good from God, and shall we not accept adversity?” Job 2:10 (NKJV)

Job was able to speak honestly to his wife in spite of the grief and heartache because he remembered the goodness and the kindness of God.  He understood God’s faithfulness, and this carried him through the otherwise unbearable trials of the present.

Thirdly, looking at the past helps us to forgive.

Therefore the kingdom of heaven is like a certain king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. But as he was not able to pay, his master commanded that he be sold, with his wife and children. The servant therefore fell down before him, saying, ‘Master, have patience with me, Then the master of that servant was moved with compassion, released him, and forgave him the debt.

“But that servant went out and found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii; and he laid hands on him and took him by the throat, saying, ‘Pay me what you owe!’ ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you all.’ And he would not, but went and threw him into prison till he should pay the debt. Then his master, after he had called him, said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you?’ And his master was angry, and delivered him to the torturers until he should pay all that was due to him. Matthew 18:23-35

As we look at this parable, we can see that along with mercy and grace there is justice. What we learn from this poor fellow’s story is that we are to be forgiving; demonstrating mercy as we have been shown mercy.  Those who have trouble forgiving are not benefiting from their past.

A woman who focuses on the good that has resulted by what God has done in her past is most likely applying truth today out of love and thanksgiving.

So let me ask you; how much do you apply the truth of what you know to your life?  Do you take Bible verses such as Romans 12:1-2 and practically apply them? Do you consider yourself a living sacrifice?

Are you excited about growing and changing?  Does progressive sanctification excite and energize you?  

I hope you are, because the degree to which you are excited about growing and changing; that is the same extent to which you are been a steward of your memories and the lessons of your past. 

The Importance of Premarital Counseling

One of the joys we have in our counseling center is doing pre-marital counseling.  It is a very uplifting and encouraging thing for our staff to be in on a pre-emptive strike against marriage counseling.  One of the questions we ask our marriage counselees is if they had any pre-marital counseling.  Sadly, most tell us they had 1 or 2 sessions with the person who was to marry them right before the wedding which explains in part why they have need for marriage counseling.

It is appalling that there is so much focus on the music and the dress and the reception and so little on what happens in the marriage ceremony. It is a set up for disaster and any pastor who is willing to marry a couple without pre-marital counseling is complicit in the marital mess that follows.

A couple of the best books on marriage basics I know of are Wayne Mack’s Strengthening Your Marriage (1977) followed by his Your Family, God’s Way (1991). We use both of these extensively in our ministry.

There are a few specific common issues that bring people to the counselor’s office and I will outline them for you here.

The first has to be a misunderstanding of what marriage truly is.  It is not a partnership; it is not based on a contract. Marriage is a permanent covenantal relationship between a man and woman.

But from the beginning of the creation, God ‘made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’; so then they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” Mark 10:6-9 (NKJV)
 

Notice that there is no room in the marriage for a parent, “the boys”, “alone time”, “my girlfriends” or other people inserting themselves into the marriage.  Marriage is intended to be 1 husband and 1 wife.  In biblical terms it means they leave and cleave.  The spouse becomes the primary relationship for husband and wife.

This is not always the case.  Parental relationships and friendships are to take a back seat to the marital one.  Opposite sex friendships must not be a part of married life because it is extremely dangerous and leads to adultery. This includes work friendships and Facebook friendships! Your spouse must be your best friend and the one you cleave to! If you do not have a close relationally intimate bond with them before marriage, what makes you think you will after?  The husband-wife relationship must be primary.

When there is no cleaving or oneness in a marriage there are going to be problems. In his book The Heart of Anger, Lou Priolo says, “Virtually all marriage and family problems can be traced back to a failure to leave one’s parents, cleave to one’s spouse, or become one flesh with one’s spouse.” (Lou Priolo, The Heart of Anger, (Calvary Press, 1997), pg.25)

Another marital problem is poor communication with respect to finances. We strongly discourage couples from having separate finances. In fact, to do so is a clear indication that there are underlying issues pertaining to trust, self-control, selfishness, and submission just to name a few things.

In a biblically centered marriage there is no “my money” and “my stuff” because it all belongs to God (Ps.24:1) and because when two people become one there is no more “mine” and “yours” because it is now “ours.”  Together husband and wife are stewards of God’s financial blessings and so they must trust each other to honor God with earning, spending, and saving.

A couple must develop a biblical philosophy of money. We know it is important to God because it is mentioned more than 2000 times in Scripture!

These are only two of the important issues covered in pre-marital counseling. If you know a couple planning a wedding, love them enough to insist they get good, solid counseling on all the aspects of marriage before they get too far into planning the big day.

Don't Quit!

I have been a little under the weather and so I have spent some time thinking about various things. One of which was a line from a poem from long ago.

Many years ago when I hit a rough patch in life my Mom gave me a little wallet-card with a poem on it entitled, “Don’t Quit.”  I lost the original, but picked up somewhere another along the way because the message on that little card made such an impact on me.

Don’t Quit

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don’t you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don’t give up though the pace seems slow–
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor’s cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out–
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit–
It’s when things seem worst that you must not quit.

- Unknown Author

There is nothing overtly Scriptural about this poem, but as I ponder the lives of some of our Old Testament heroes like Elijah I can identify with his emotions as he was discouraged and ready to give up.  The Lord was not done with him and sent him on to minister anew (1 Kings 19).

Our New Testament heroes also had times of discouragement. I have said before that when Paul was bobbing a day and a night in the sea I would think he had times of wondering if he was finished (2 Cor. 11:23-28). Peter went back to fishing after his denial of Christ and the crucifixion, thinking he was washed up in ministry (John 21) until Jesus re-commissioned him.

Yet Peter is the Apostle who penned these words:

…seeing that His divine power has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness, through the true knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and excellence. For by these He has granted to us His precious and magnificent promises, so that by them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world by lust. Now for this very reason also, applying all diligence, in your faith supply moral excellence, and in your moral excellence, knowledge, and in your knowledge, self-control, and in your self-control, perseverance, and in your perseverance, godliness, and in your godliness, brotherly kindness, and in your brotherly kindness, love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they render you neither useless nor unfruitful in the true knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.  2 Peter 1:3-8 (NASB)

These times are normal and to be expected in our lives but take heart, we have been equipped to withstand times of discouragement through the precious promises of God!  God is glorified as we persevere through the tough times, being determined to fulfill our responsibilities in spite of how we feel emotionally. 

No, it is not always easy and in face it can be very hard to set discouragement aside and press on as you know you should. The benefit will be growth both in character and in spirit. In the process you will be useful and fruitful in the knowledge of Christ.

Quitting is easy. Persevering is honorable.

In Sync...

There are times I wonder if God's will and mine are in sync.  I know I can't be alone in this. There are times when I embark on a plan that I have prayed over and sought counsel over then moved ahead in the direction that seems right only to learn I may have been wrong after all. I am in one of those times now. 


Knowing the will of God is not an exact science. There are no tea leaves, no smoke signals, and outside of the Bible no mysterious writings that will unearth the secret knowledge of God. The good news is that God wants to reveal His revealed will to us in the Scriptures. The best news is that He has revealed more to us than we think! 


First, it is the will of God that I am regenerated (2 Tim. 2:4). I am confident in my position in Christ, by grace through faith (Eph. 2:8).  Because I am regenerated I am indwelt by the Spirit of God. The amount of time I spend meditating and reading and studying the Word will determine the filling of the Spirit in my heart (Col 3:16). I confess I am not always saturated in it; spending time only between it's covers... I meditate upon it's truths and listen to it daily, but I can always spend more time than I do. 


It is also God's will that I am set apart (sanctified) for Him and for service to Him (1 Thess 4:3).  This means I keep my thought life free from immorality. I honor God by how I treat my body and what I do with my body. I abstain from sexual immorality. I don't read romance novels, and I avoid movies that make a mockery of what God intends sex to be. I dress modestly so as not to cause another to stumble, and try to honor God with my eyes and ears.  


I am doing God's will when I am treating others justly, when I don't use them or abuse them to meet some selfish or self-centered desire I have (1 Thess 4:6).  Being in a ministry where I am dependent upon the will and generosity of other people to donate their time and sometimes their financial resources gives me a great reason to ponder this verse. I endeavor to always be careful in how I treat those who so graciously give of themselves to the ministry. Ultimately, I represent Christ (just like every other Christian) to those around me.  Abusing or demeaning people is not only unkind but it is also ungodly.  The Lord's will is that I treat others with respect and honor as His children, children of the King. 


I am doing God's will when I suffer. Wait a minute. What? It is God's will that I suffer? 


Therefore, those also who suffer according to the will of God shall entrust their souls to a faithful Creator in doing what is right. 1 Peter 4:19 (NASB) 


Suffering for the sake of Christ comes with the territory of being a Christian who desires to honor God and life a sanctified life. It is not easy to do in this corrupt world, but it can be done when the person truly wants to do it.  It means inconveniences, and not fitting in and speaking boldly when God's truth is not popular or even welcomed.  


Sometimes it means doing without new things or even without certain things at all. Suffering may also mean surrendering a dream or the hope of something you desire because it does not fit into what God has planned for your life. Sometimes, we don't really know until we take the steps to bring the dream to life only to be turned around and headed away from it by other things the Lord allows into our lives to redirect us. 


What a Christian can be sure of is that God is completely in charge of our lives. In His perfect sovereign plan we will arrive where He intends for us to be, we will arrive in exactly the condition we were destined to arrive in and at the moment in time He determined in eternity past.  I find great comfort in the truths I listed in today's posting; especially when I began writing wondering about God's will for my life.

Are You Co-dependent or Selfless?

Therefore if there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose. Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus… Phil. 2:1-5 (NASB)

In the mid-1980's the term "co-dependency" began to be used in various self-help groups to describe behavior patterns in people who were in relationships with self- destructive people. Typically, their spouses or family members were addicts or alcoholics who were irresponsible and the "co-dependent" stepped in to shield them from consequences or had protecting them from harm.  

I do not think it is godly to shield someone from the consequences of their actions; a person who is involved in sinful behaviors needs to repent and change for the glory of God! I also agree that some people can take "love" too far and become idolaters of others. These people too need a balanced view of what loving one another looks like. 

Ed Welch calls co-dependency behaviors "fear of man" in his books (When People are Big and God is Small and What Do You Think of Me? Why Do I Care?) I agree with his conclusions on the matter. There are people, more women than men who desire the approval of others so deeply that they are willing to sin to get it. 

My concern is centered on the thinking that includes the biblical roles of mothers and wives as being "co-dependent." The balanced view will always be found in Scripture, and for the Christian that is our ultimate authority.

Oneness is not co-dependency

Then the LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.” Genesis 2:18 (NASB) 

Adam found that he was incomplete without a woman. God created the woman as the only suitable helper for a man, she is his counterpart. Man and woman are biblically designed to meet each other’s legitimate needs and to address the physical deficits in one another. The Bible says that two individuals become one in marriage; one in the most intimate physical sense and one in several other ways as well. 

Very often in marriage husband and wife are so well connected and in tune with each other that they often know each other's thoughts, beliefs and desires. For instance, I can always tell when my husband has something troubling on his mind.  I am so aware of his movements and characteristics that I can tell when something is amiss. When I hurt, he hurts; when he rejoices I rejoice too! We share a connectedness that goes beyond sharing a home and a bed; we are literally soul-mates. 

This is not unusual for a couple who has been married for a number of years. They are one in heart and soul, especially when they share a love of Christ through salvation. They can anticipate each other's needs and actively work to place the other before themselves. 

When children come along the family dynamic changes as both mother and father now include the needs and desires of the little ones along with those of their spouse. The greater share is taken by the wife and mother as she is the primary care-giver in the traditional family. She sets herself aside for the well-being of her child. Mothers are considered to be the nurturing parent and she is usually more in tune with the cries of the baby and the "language" of the toddler.

I think because of the unique physical relationship we share with our children as we provide food and shelter for them within our bodies we have a God-given understanding of them from even before they are born. Mothers will say they are aware of what the baby's cries mean, what a certain gesture means, or a facial expression is communicating. 

I am thankful that many Christian women have returned to the home and are fulfilling the biblical mandate of Titus 2:3-5:

Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored. (NASB)

What is concerning to me is how these God-honoring attitudes and actions are being labeled as co-dependent and how women are being discouraged from a life of serving others in the name of "mental health!" I maintain that it is simply living the gospel to be selfless and to put others before self. In so doing, we are following the example of Christ and the other heroes of our faith who lived and died for the benefit of other people.  There can be no higher calling than that.

Is this yet another attack on biblical principles and the roles of women from those who would discount the Bible as relevant and applicable in today's world? What do you think?

And There They Crucified Him

At that time two robbers were^* crucified with Him, one on the right and one on the left. Matt. 27:38 (NASB)


I have been meditating on a Good Friday message my pastor once preached and wanted to share it with you. He read from Mark's account of the crucifixion of Jesus Christ and made a point I had never heard before from the Gospels. The writers of the account did not major on the blood and gore of the death of Jesus.

• Matthew 27:35 "when they had crucified him"
• Mark 15:24 "and they crucified him"
• Luke 23:33 "and there they crucified him"
• John 19:18 "here they crucified him"

Where are the Mel Gibson-like special effects in the narrative? Why are there none of the details we have become so familiar with listed in Scripture?  The writers could have easily loaded the narrative with the realism and blood and brutality of the event and under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit they did not.

My pastor said that they were not after the emotional response such a description would bring. Think of watching The Passion of the Christ for a moment. Those of you that saw it were most likely crying your eyes out or too horrified to watch parts of it like I was. I vividly remember thinking how He did this all for me...it evoked an incredible emotional response and made you want to do something. Be a better Christian, read your Bible more, appreciate Jesus more, and for some it made them want to "get saved."

Pastor said that many of those theatrical conversions were emotional responses and did not bring about true regeneration, and I have to agree with him on that. The Gospel writers knew that, God knew that, and so the Lord wisely left out all the gruesome details of that horrifying event from the Bible. Take some time and just think about the reality and enormity of this truth. All that we focus on each year on Good Friday the Bible does not even mention. This means no stations of the cross, no dramatic re-enactments, no musicals featuring the crucifixion scene...It is not to be our focus!

The victory over death and Satan, sin and hopelessness, the ability to be in the presence of God- those are the real focus of this season.

The Gospels are about presenting Jesus, the Bible is about presenting Jesus, and indeed the creation of the whole world is about presenting Jesus.

Do you know Jesus? Have you been called and adopted into His wonderful love? Celebrate Jesus today those loved by God! He is risen! He is risen indeed!

This Resurrection Sunday rejoice in Jesus! Rejoice in what He has done and in Who He is! Jesus, God's Son, the Lamb of God who has taken away the sin of the world!

Is Repentance Emotional or Theological?

For though I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it; though I did regret it—for I see that that letter caused you sorrow, though only for a while— I now rejoice, not that you were made sorrowful, but that you were made sorrowful to the point of repentance; for you were made sorrowful according to the will of God, so that you might not suffer loss in anything through us. For the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation, but the sorrow of the world produces death.  2 Corinthians 7:8-10 (NASB)


Last time we started looking at some issues of and with repentance. I know many Christians who say they have repented of a particular sin yet still struggle to overcome it. They say they hate their sin, they are sorry for their sin, they don't want to sin, and they repent of the sin but still commit that very same sin! Is repentance an emotional response or a theological one?

Our culture encourages people to only feel good. We are consistently given the message that feeling bad is unacceptable, and we are also presented with many options to "feel good." Some of those options lead to more sin and a hardening of the heart. Other options are designed to help a person to not feel much of anything at all. Various treatment methods are available in the secular world that teach that a person has no need to repent from sin because there is no such thing as sin. There is no soul and no conscience to violate.

There is no doubt that committing sin causes negative reactions in a person's life.  People have feelings about their sin and those feelings are generally not positive. Many have sorrow about their sin and how it affects them and other people they love. The secular remedy is to either stop their (sinful) behavior to feel better, or shut off their conscience and feel nothing.

Christians believe there are such things as sin, a soul, and a conscience. These are theological realities for us, and we accept them as fact. We also understand that committing sin is an affront to a holy God and should not be accepted as being okay or tolerated as a lifestyle choice. We believe that sorrow resulting from sin has a purpose and part of that purpose is to lead the person to repentance.

When a counselee is not demonstrating the fruit of repentance it is because they are engaged in behaviorism, or change that may not be heart level. Their sorrow may be more self oriented, or they may have remorse over how their sin causes pain for other people. Remorse and feeling sorry are not enough to bring true change

The theological answer to both the sin and the sorrow is to address the root of the problem at the heart level; understanding that simply stopping the behavior is not enough. The heart must be affected by the indwelling Spirit of God and enabling them to change.

A.W. Pink says a person must have,

"A real hatred of sin as sin, nor merely its consequences. A hatred not only of this or that sin, but also of all sin, and particularly of the root itself: self-will. “Thus saith the Lord God, Repent, and turn from your idols; and turn away your faces from all your abominations” (Ezek. 14:6). He, who hates not sin, loves it. God's demand is, “Ye shall loathe yourselves in your own sight for all your evils that ye have committed” (Ezek. 20:43). One who has really repented can truthfully say, “I hate every false way” (Ps. 119:104). He who once thought a course of holy living was a gloomy thing, has another judgment now. He who once regarded a course of self-pleasing as attractive, now detests it and has purposed to forsake all sin forever. This is the change of mind which God requires." 

This is evidence that repentance is more than an emotional decision, it is a theological one!