Your Husband's Sexual Sin

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18


Because of the pervasive nature of sexual sin, I am writing a new book on the topic. It is for those who have been sinned against by a spouse who views pornography, has had an emotional affair or a physical affair. I began thinking about this book several years ago and because I have had so many counselee's whose husbands have been caught up in some form of sexual sin I thought I would take the wealth of their combined experience and put it together to help others. 


What I want you to know is that it was not your fault- you didn't make him do anything

Despite anything that has been said to you, what your spouse did was not your fault, it was his own decision.  Unless someone held a gun to his head, what your husband did was of his own volition.

He had a lust or desire of the heart that was not fulfilled.  The lust or desire was most likely illegitimate meaning it was not based in Scripture or was selfish and self-serving.  You must believe that if it was not “her” it would have been someone else, because this sexual sin is a HEART issue. 

I cannot and will not say that you as his wife had no culpability whatsoever, because I don’t know that.  There are some marriages that are void of any sexual contact; the couple lives together, sleeps together, spend time together, but there is no sexual intimacy. 

This is a violation 1 Cor. 7, which clearly states that married couples are to engage in sexual intimacy for precisely this reason! Men and women were wired for sex in the confines of marriage. Paul specifically says we are not to withhold our bodies from our spouse, in fact he says that when you marry your body no longer belongs to you, but to your husband or wife. When sex is withheld in marriage it provides the occasion for sin.  It is sin in the thought life, wandering thoughts that lead to wandering hands and wandering bodies. 

I would like to lay the blame squarely that the feet of Satan, but I cannot do that.  Jer. 17:9 says that the heart is deceptive, and desperately wicked. So wicked in fact that we cannot and do not know the depths of the depravity that lives there.  So wicked and so deceptive that we can rationalize our sinful desires and be lulled into thinking that our sin is justified, “Because she would not….” or “Because I don’t feel….”  and “God surely does not want me to live this way…”

I cannot say that you as the offended spouse have not been selfish, greedy, self-pitying, hateful or cruel to your husband. You have to examine your life, and ask God’s help in examining your own heart to determine what sin you have contributed to taking the marriage to this point of brokenness. 

Again, what your spouse did is not your fault; he is completely responsible for his own actions. You are responsible for yours.  At some point you must be willing to confess your sin to your spouse and ask his forgiveness for the sin that you have committed against him in the marriage. You must determine to change the areas of your life that are problematic.  Not change that makes you happy or your spouse happy, but change that glorifies God and further identifies you as His child.

It is also possible that you have had a great marriage.  It is possible that you and your spouse have had a great relationship that includes communication, companionship and an agreeable amount of sex that pleases both of you.  Like any relationship, yours has had its ups and downs but overall you thought your marriage was impervious to this sort of thing.  The revelation of sexual sin has completely blown you away.

You cannot comprehend the reality that your husband has been involved in sexual sin. You did not see the signs; you did not see this coming. What you saw was a bright future ahead which you now realize was an oncoming train that has run you over. 

You want to believe it was a mistake, a foolish and stupid mistake. A lapse in judgment or something he did in a moment of thoughtlessness or drunkenness or something, anything other than what it truly is. You want to believe him when he says, “It meant/means nothing.” 

The hard thing to accept is that no matter what he says, he truly wanted this on some level, because sexual sin is a heart issue, and reveals the contents of the inner man.  This is incredibly difficult to wrap your mind around and accept for some people.  It is sometimes even difficult for the offending adulterous person to accept. 

Because we are so adept at lying to ourselves, and rationalizing and justifying our behavior it is very easy to overlook this truth: sexual sin is never an accident.   A person cannot accidentally have sexual relations with another person, a car doesn't have auto pilot that drives the owner to the porn store or the strip club, or cruises for prostitutes.  There is always a decision to be made before typing “XXX porn” into the search bar on the computer, and then another decision to be made before clicking a link. Most likely there are other decisions to be made along the way as well, so to say that sexual sin is “unintentional” is a lie.

There is always, always thought, belief and desire that goes into making the decision to be immoral. It is not a decision that happens outside of yourself, nothing takes possession of you and forces your body to operate independent of your thoughts, beliefs or desires!  It just does not happen.

Whatever took your husband to commit sexual immorality was something he wanted and sought after.  He was someplace he should not have been, he was involved with someone in some way that he knew was wrong or dangerous to his marriage covenant.

There was time to think about where he was headed before the two of them got naked or performed sex acts with each other.  There was time as they chatted on line to close out the chat, delete the account, “unfriend” on Facebook, get in the car, call you, run away, sneak out the back of the store, or be honest and say he could not do this; he could not take this one step further.

The fact is…your husband did not.  I know that is brutal, ugly and heartbreaking. The truth is hard to look at but trust me when I tell you that you will benefit from these words however hard they are to stomach today. 

I will continue tomorrow and pick up where we left off. 

Book Review- Shame Interrupted

As a part of my service to you I occasionally agree to review books that I think might be helpful for some of you to read.  This month’s offering is another great book by Ed Welch, this time he writes on the topic of shame.

Shame is prevalent in our lives today, more than most may recognize.  Whether you have been shamed by someone else, or vice versa, this undeniable heart issue can get the best of anyone.  Dr. Edward T. Welch, in Shame Interrupted:  How God Lifts the Pain of Worthlessness and Rejection, has provided a piece of art that takes shame, with all of its ugliness, and brings it out into the light where truth can take root and overcome. 

Dr. Welch challenges his readers to join him on a journey that first exposes shame from the deepest and darkest of shadows, then takes the reader to the Gospel, to the very One who experienced the ultimate shame for our sake, and ends with the revealing hope that our Savior and the Word of God have to offer, cleansing and righteousness. 

What this book does not do, is disregard the real severity of shame and its hindrance on all of creation.  Ed Welch says it best himself,

“Since the common contains both the clean and the unclean, we can simplify it this way.  The universe exists in three categories:  unclean, clean, and holy.  Our goal is to get clean, stay clean, and then set our sights on the holy.  The holy can be intimidating, but only when we enter into that realm can we have true fellowship with God.  Whether we know it or not, that is what we truly want.  We aim to be holy and enjoy the presence of the Holy One.  That is the deepest answer to the problem of shame.” (p. 75)   

This book is a must read for anyone struggling with shame, and most likely that is everyone, at one time or another.  It is a book that I will pass on in the days to come and it is a resource that I will personally call on from time to time. 

No one should have to live in the disgusting depths of shame because Jesus Christ already paid that price and Dr. Ed Welch offers all willing partakers 325 pages of biblically sound insight into a future free from such brokenness.  

The Eyes of the Wounded

Then they sat down on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights with no one speaking a word to him, for they saw that his pain was very great. Job 2:13 (NASB)

As a teacher and counselor people come to me with burdens and woes of life. It can be as serious as an impending divorce, a prodigal child, or a diagnosis of cancer. There are times when there are no words that can be spoken, for the gravity of the situation goes beyond our language. In those times we fumble around, thinking we ought to say something...we reach into our Bible bag and mentally search for the perfect verse to comfort or console. We try to offer hope for a positive outcome or a better tomorrow for the one who suffers and when we put forth our effort it seems to fall flat. The eyes of the wounded one gaze upon us, filled with anguish and we wish we would have remained silent.

Take a lesson from Job's three friends- at least at the beginning of their visit with Job. They all came to comfort him and console him in his time of need and when they arrived all they could do was to sit down around him in silence and simply be there. It would have been better for all concerned had those three men continued with that type of consolation if you ask me. It was when they opened their mouths that they went from consoling to tormenting!

I think we can take a cue from the three friends of Job, and learn that sometimes the best comfort we can be to a hurting person is to simply be a physical presence in the room with them for a while. Silence can be a great comfort to a person whose life has been rocked by tragedy or pain. Words are not always needed, and certainly "dispensing" Bible verses like m&m's is not needed either.

In the above verse the expression, "his pain was very great" actually means that it was increasing as time went on. The pain and misery increased hour by hour, day by day. All Job's friends could do was to sit there in horror as they watched him grow more wretched in front of their eyes.

While the people we comfort have the benefit of medicine like morphine if they are in physical pain from cancer or another ailment, it does not always completely remove the discomfort. At times they are left with significant pain levels, and all their loved ones can do is watch them suffer. We don't think of offering Bible verses to them at that time, or telling them "It's going to be alright" we sit buy them and hope our presence brings them comfort, knowing they are not alone.

There are some pains there is no medicine for. The heartache of an abandonment, the parents whose child is wayward, the loss of everything material due to financial ruin, the fear of being alone, being unwanted in your old age... what comfort can we bring to these people whose pain will only increase in the coming days and weeks and maybe months and years?

We can bring them ourselves. We can sit beside them and hold their hand, we can listen to them pour their hearts out to us- without response. Not to indulge self-pity but to comfort in silence. Often people in such a state are not even aware of what they are thinking or saying, they are simply spewing thoughts and random memories. This phase will pass and there will come a time for you to give input into their situation and possibly into their life in an ongoing basis. But you must bide your time for such things. Before you earn the right to speak into their life you must be a good listener and comforter in silence.

Memorial Day

Today is Memorial Day.  I am thankful for those who have served our country by enlisting in the military. So many have suffered and died so we could be free from the clutches of men and nations who would desire to rule over us.

I am thankful for my Dad, a Navy Vet who served in WWII and is one of the few remaining men and women of that great generation.  My Dad served aboard a Navy medical ship in Guadalcanal in the Pacific during the war.  I am thankful for the Honor Flight he was able to participate in last November that connected him with thousands of other heroes just like him.

I am thankful for other family members who also served in WWII.

I am thankful for my Father-in-law who served in both the Navy and the Army.  When the Navy discharged him for a medical reason, he got that taken care of and joined the Army where he served in the Korean Conflict (War).

I am thankful for my cousin Ron (Army) who was a radio operator in Vietnam and who returned home safely.

I am so thankful for my brother (Army) who is also a Vietnam Vet. He was a hero and received citations from the President. He also made it back alive.

I am thankful for my friend Barbara's husband Keith (Air Force) who is currently overseas serving in a very hot place that shall not be named. His selfless dedication amazes me.

I am thankful for Ben who today serves in the Air Force.

I am thankful for so many young men and women I watched grow up in the churches I have attended who joined the Marines, Navy, Army and Air Force after graduating high school.

I am thankful for Caleb and Seth who serve in the Navy.

I am thankful for my friend's dad who was in the Coast Guard and her husband who was in Vietnam.

I am thankful for my own child, the son of my flesh who served in the Air Force and is now in the Air Guard.

My heart breaks for those who have died, committed selfless acts of bravery and heroism so that on any day of and week of every year I can be free.  My heart breaks for your families who grieve your loss and miss you with every single beat of their hearts.

I will not take your service for granted, I will not cease to be thankful for you. I am in your debt and I honor you.

Stop Sexual Sin

“The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good; and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart.” Luke 6:45

Historically, sexual issues have been considered a man’s domain. What I want you to know, is that immorality is not just for men any more. Women are also struggling in growing numbers with many of the same issues men do, and for the very same reasons.

These are matters of the heart.

Why is it that not some people are not gripped by all sins to the same degree? What separates us? What makes one person what the world calls an addict, and the other a casual consumer? One day, science may have an answer, but to date there is nothing scientific that proves there is anything medical going on inside the body of an addict that makes them different than anyone else.

What each of them has in common, is that their actions are revealing what is going on inside, in the inner man, what the Bible calls the heart.

Many Christians involved in sexual immorality genuinely want to stop. They know it is wrong, and when they are not tempted they want to stop. They also are disgusted by their behaviors when they are able to think about them objectively.

They have periods of what I call white knuckle flying- they determine not to connect to the internet, or pass by that store on the way home from work, or they disconnect their cable tv. These are certainly a part of what needs to be done, but these actions address the fruit of the problem, the end result of what is really a much deeper issue, because sexual immorality is an issue of the heart.

The heart is the biblical word used to describe the inner man. The heart is the immaterial, non-flesh part of you that includes your thoughts, beliefs, and desires, mind, feelings, intentions, will, and emotions.

When a person is involved with sexual immorality, it is because their heart is focused on themselves.

"But the things that proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and those defile the man. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, slanders.” Matthew 15:18-19

When a person indulges in sexual immorality it is because their heart is focused on having their perceived needs met. The heart is set on self, getting what “I” want, doing what feels good to me, and fulfilling my desires.

All that is important to them is to have these things met and whether they realize it or not, they are placing the desires of their own heart above everything else. When a person begins to live for the desires of their own heart a cascade of sin begins to take place. When the desires obeyed are those involved in sexual immorality we can easily see the results. 

In reading Romans 1, we see how God gave people over to their own desires. While this passage is in reference to unbelievers, we can see how even believers in Christ can demonstrate some of the same behaviors when they are involved in sexual immorality. If you think these activities are not going on among Christians, especially teens and young adults you are mistaken.

They did vile and degrading things with each other’s bodies They deliberately chose to believe lies Acted on shameful desires Women indulged with sex with one another Men burned with lust for each other did shameful things with other men.

While God never abandons the believer, He does allow us to experience the consequences of our behaviors. Even in the area of sexual immorality. Having counseled people who were involved in an immoral relationship they inevitably say to me that they can’t believe what they have done. That they never thought they could sink so low. 

The heart that is focused on self does not set out to be so depraved, but as my sweet husband says, “Sin always takes you farther than you ever want to go.”

The actions that you see are results. They are not the cause of the problem; they are what flow over from the heart of man into their lives. Every perverted and immoral action began as a thought, the thought was fueled by a desire or a belief, and the desire or belief began in the heart. A person who views pornography has at the center of their heart “self” and the desire to please self at any cost.

Often they say they “have” to have pleasure; that they can’t stop looking or wanting to look. They believe they have a right to feel good. That somehow they have been cheated by having a spouse who is not interested in sex, or is not interested in what kind of sex they want to have so they go on line to get it.

Singles will say that God didn’t give them a spouse but He did give them a sex drive so they figure viewing porn is a way to have it all.

Often porn users will say they thought of their actions as victimless. They don’t think they are hurting anyone by these actions. In fact, some men actually nobleize it by saying they don’t want to bother their wives because they know their wife is really not interested.

If the activity takes place in secret it means no one knows, right? I have been told by porn users that they didn’t think anyone knew about their secret trips down to the next county, or to that gentleman’s club, or by their watching it on line in the privacy of their home. But someone always knows…God always knows, and eventually the problem grows too big to be a secret.

Fighting Panic Attacks

"I fight: not as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and bring it into subjection..."  1 Corinthians 9:26 (NASB)

Have you ever had a panic attack? Some people describe them as feeling like they have to get up and run, others say they feel like their skin is on too tight and have the feeling of suffocation. No matter how you interpret the feelings, a panic attack can be a frightening thing to experience. 

If you are a regular reader of this blog you know that I focus on the heart extensively here because the Bible has so much to say about it and how the heart determines our actions. It should not surprise you that the heart is a major player in a panic attack.

In Scripture the heart is the center of your core desires. Your mind, will and emotions are servants of your heart in meeting its needs. The heart is what causes the mind to think on what it thinks, the emotions to react the way they do, and the will to act the way it does. Matt. 6:21

Thoughts are what drive a panic attack. Something a person is thinking about is driving the emotions and triggering responses in the body’s endocrine systems. As an example of this, think about someone who thinks they hear footsteps in the house in the middle of the night. The simple thought of, “Intruder!” sets off a chain of events in the body. Physical systems are God-given and intended to warn us of danger, and give us the sudden bursts of energy and strength needed in an emergency situation. 

You may have heard of the “fight or flight” urge. This instant impulse is driven by the thought that you are in danger. Your thoughts race with that possibility and your body then releases a flood of various hormones into your bloodstream that accelerates your heart rate, allows you to increase lung capacity, and gives you in some cases superhuman strength! This all takes place in fractions of seconds, and it is all begun with a thought! It may be that there were no footsteps at all just the settling of your house. However, your body reacts the same way to imagined danger or stress as it does to real danger or stress.

A person who has panic attacks is operating the same way as a person who believes they are in danger even when there is no danger at all. The thoughts the person is thinking evoke such strong emotions that they are able to cause their body to think there is danger when in reality there is not.

A person experiencing a panic attack does not understand that their thoughts are what bring on these attacks because it feels like something powerful and beyond their control sweeps over them. I have heard it described like something they can sense coming but cannot stop, and that it is like something lurking around the corner waiting to jump out and attack them. The sensations are so unpleasant that the sufferer will do almost anything to hold them at bay. Many times they alter their entire lifestyle to avoid a panic attack by discontinuing activities and even relationships to avoid experiencing those feelings. 

The world becomes smaller and smaller for them as more and more things cause a panic attack and what we ultimately see is a person develops a fear of the fear.

Often, people who struggle with fear, worry and anxiety react rather than think. Reacting becomes habitual and so the person falls into a pattern of habitual response and it becomes “second nature’ to “freak out.” What the person does not realize is that they have actually trained themselves to respond this way. By the time they seek help they usually have done it for so long they do not know how to respond differently. Their feelings (which are a normal part of life) have come to control their life. 

When a person is experiencing a panic attack the actual attack is the end result, not the beginning of the process. The process began with a series of thoughts that resulting in having the feelings of panic. Feelings are indicators of what is going on inside in the heart (inner-man). 

To overcome the habitual response of panic attacks you must retrain your thinking. You must be renewed in the pattern of your mind (Rom, 12:2) and learn to think about things that are true and real (Phil 4:8-10). 

It sounds so simple, doesn't it? The truth is that it will be hard work and you will need help. Ask a friend or loved one who can remind you to take your racing thoughts captive (2 Cor. 10:5-6) and speak truth to yourself instead of the lies that feed the panic. It may take time, but the more you practice this the less you will react the old way. You will be transformed by the renewing of your mind from a person who is overrun by feelings and emotions to one who is full of faith and confidence in the power of the risen Christ. 

...As I Imitate Christ

Paul said, “Imitate me as I imitate Christ.” Can you say that? I know that I shudder when I think of saying that to people. I want to… I want to be able to say that. I see I am so far from who Paul was at the time he wrote these words. I pray that I won’t have to wait until I am old and grizzled before I finally put off enough of my flesh to be able to encourage people to imitate me as I imitate Christ.

What gets in my way? It is those sinful desires again…my heart lusting after forbidden fruit that is as temporary as a ice cube on an August afternoon. It gives me some pleasure, maybe even some relief but all too soon it is gone and I am more miserable than I was before I had it, because I want more. My flesh is never ever going to be satisfied and why I don’t get that on a permanent basis I don’t know!

How can I encourage you to imitate me when I see the crud that is displayed in my life and is a revelation of what it is in my heart? When I hear the words coming from my mouth that are not edifying, or loving, or patient or kind? When I know my temper flares with impatience and I see myself behaving so selfishly?

(I cannot help but wonder if Eve had the same thoughts as she looked longingly back at Eden. Did she sit picking weeds in a field pondering what her life was like before she ate from that tree? How simple it was then, how delightful, how free she was before that blasted serpent made his appearance? She had actually been sinless!)

I want to encourage you to be better than me! Surrender now, all of it. Don’t wait another moment, or another day! Don’t play around with your sin for it wants more and more of you. It desires to master you and wants you to believe it owns you.

God is graciously allowing me to have those little glimpses inside my heart that I speak of from time to time on this blog. He is using various things right now to show me –again- how much change still must take place in my heart. I am hearing each cutting word; I am knowing each thought that does not bring Him glory. The Spirit of God is so very powerful and faithful to show me what must change! That quiet and non-condemning “voice” that “says,” “Ahh, did you hear what you just said? Is this what I am teaching you about right now?” I am so thankful! I am so humbled, and it is very good. Believe me when I tell you that seeing me in the light of His holiness is a very humbling experience.

It is my most fervent prayer that one day I will be able to tell you that it is ok to imitate me, because I am imitating Christ and have a clear conscience in doing so. I believe one day I shall because HE is faithful to finish this work that HE began in me. He is the one who is doing all this in my heart and even causing me to care about it in the first place. He will not fail in this transformation for He is the Master and the lover of my soul. He has determined that I will bring Him much glory and because of that I will not fail.

Gossip and Slander

I was recently asked about gossip and slander and was going to write about it this week. Then I remembered this wonderful piece by my friend, Pastor Bruce Roeder and thought I would re-post it for you.  Bruce is Pastor of Dicipleship at Missio Dei Fellowship in Kenosha Wisconsin. 

Have you ever been the victim of gossip and slander? Have you ever victimized others with your own gossip and slander?

To put it another way, have you ever said something you wished you had not? Have you ever spewed forth the deadly venom of gossip and slander? Have you ever been on the other side of gossip and slander and experienced how that felt? Unless you are a hermit of some sort you have no doubt been both the purveyor and recipient of gossip and slander.

Consider how the Scripture treats the two-way street of gossip and slander.

Whoever slanders his neighbor secretly I will destroy. Whoever has a haughty look and an arrogant heart I will not endure. Psa. 101:5, ESV

Gossip and slander are two of the most “respectable sins” in the church today. Jerry Bridges in his excellent book Respectable Sins defines gossip and slander like this:

“Gossip is the spreading of unfavorable information about someone else, even if that information is true.” (Respectable Sins-Confronting the Sins We Tolerate, Jerry Bridges.)

“Slander is making a false statement or misrepresentation about another person that defames or damages the person’s reputation. We slander when we ascribe wrong motives to people, even though we cannot see their hearts or know their particular circumstances.” (Respectable Sins-Confronting the Sins We Tolerate, Jerry Bridges.)

Gossip and Slander Breeds More Gossip and Slander

One of the fall outs from not dealing with gossip and slander is that it breeds more gossip and slander and includes more and more people. There is an infinite regress to gossip and slander and James’ words show us what can happen if it’s not dealt with:

For we all stumble in many ways, and if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things.

How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water. James 3:2-12, ESV

James compares sins of the tongue to a fire and if you’ve ever seen a forest fire you can realize the devastation that it causes. This is why gossip and slander should be nipped in the bud and never tolerated in the church of Jesus Christ. We should want to pour the sweet water of biblical peace making on the spark of gossip and slander well before it becomes a forest fire that rages out of control.

James 3:1 indicates that church leaders have the greater responsibility to prevent gossip and slander from becoming a forest fire of conflict.

Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness. James 3:1, ESV

Are You Lonesome Tonight?

The man gave names to all the cattle, and to the birds of the sky, and to every beast of the field, but for Adam there was not found a helper suitable for him. Genesis 2:20 (NASB)

The problem of loneliness plagues us in our culture. While we are surrounded by people all day long, can distract ourselves with television, internet, and talk-radio many people are very, very lonely. Single people are lonely, parents are lonely, elderly are lonely, and married people are lonely. This means that the problem of loneliness is not one of "being alone," it has to be something else.

Adam had none of the things we have today to divert his attention, and there was no one else like him on the entire planet. Yet, I am not sure we could describe Adam as "lonely." It is true that there was no one like him, but Scripture tells us that God was with Adam in the Garden. Adam was used to the fellowship of the Lord as he went about his day in the Garden of Eden. He could not have been lonely in the same way you and I experience it, for he had all he needed in God! Every physical need was met, every emotional need was met and still God said it was not good for Adam to be alone on the earth. In giving him Eve, God gave Adam a companion to share the work of the garden, a partner in his human life and the ability to procreate.

I know people who struggle with loneliness every day of their lives and they are surrounded by family and friends, and I know single folks who live alone, have little companionship but are content and fulfilled and would not describe themselves as being lonely.

Part of it is certainly in the attitude, choosing to embrace the life God has for you and trusting that He has given you His best for this point in your life. God is always intentional and purposeful with what He brings and allows into our lives, and He makes no mistakes. The trouble comes when we decide that what we want (companionship of some sort) is of more importance than what God wants for us. The discontentment that comes from thrashing against God is nearly indescribable and this is where many of my counselees find themselves.

Discontent, pain, and misery are all a result of fighting against what God wants for your life and who He wants in your life. It ceases when you decide to become content with your life as it is right now. Paul said, "I have learned to be content." (Phil 4:12) This means Paul was not always content, but by God's grace and with His divine enablement he learned how to become content despite his sometimes miserable circumstances of life. Remember, when Paul penned those words he was in prison!

You are most likely not in a physical prison awaiting execution. You are most likely not cold, miserable or chained to a wall. However, you may be in a prison of your own making. Discontent is an effective jailer; preventing you from seeing the sunshine because of the internal gloom you carry with you, chaining you to thoughts and desires that breed anger and sorrow, and impeding your progress in life. 

I also suggest you don't use the plethora of modern gadgets to dull to distract yourself from the important work that the Lord intends to do in your heart. You must learn to be content with where He has you right now. Acceptance is not easy but it is possible. Surrender to the work the Lord intends to do within you during this time in your life. Immerse yourself in Him and in His Word. Love others and serve the church. This will help ease your loneliness and help you to honor God as He does this important work in your heart. 

It Is Sufficient For You

All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness; so that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work. 2 Timothy 3:16-17 (NASB)

Because of the pervasive attitude of “therapy” often counselee’s assume we are here to listen to them vent and that we are their sounding boards to bounce things off of. While talking is our methodology in biblical counseling, we do not encourage or even tolerate venting. If you tell me something and it contains unbiblical thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes I will challenge you, that is the calling of the Biblical Counselor. 

I often say that biblical counselors are not therapists, we are conduit. I make no claim to offer psychotherapy or therapy to anyone! As a biblical counselor, my goal is to help the counselee to understand what needs to change is their heart and then help them to implement changes that apply to the wrong behaviors and attitudes. I don't change anyone. I don't have the power or the ability to change anyone, that is the realm of the Holy Spirit. I would never want such responsibility in the life of a person. 

If you wish to counsel biblically, you must be confident in God’s Word. You must truly believe that God’s Word is enough to change the heart and life of a person. You must believe that it has the answer to every single problem man faces. You must believe that God’s Word is the only unchangeable source of material you have written by an infallible Author. There are certainly times you will be tempted to go to a secular source, but you will find no answers there that are long lasting. Also, the counselee has most likely already tried to go to a secular source for answers and found none! They may be nearly hopeless from that encounter. They come to us deeply desiring something different and something that will actually work! 

I have had counselee’s tell me they went to “Christian counseling” and the counselor never opened their Bible! These counselors used psychological theories and jargon and the counselee walked away as empty as they arrived. Do not apologize for making the Word of God your standard. Stand strong in the face of "the experts" who may intimidate you or try to intimidate you with their jargon. 

For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart. Hebrews 4:12 (NASB)

The Hard Heart of Pride

Today we will take a short look at the issue of pride. I have seen pride in various ways in myself and others. Sometimes it is overt and the person is pompous and other times pride is sneaky and hides behind shyness, self-debasement, and even depression!

Pride is a heart-attitude sin that overflows into a person’s motivation, decision-making, and activities. Pride is at the root of nearly every problem we struggle with in counseling!

The heart of pride is focused on “self.” Prideful people believe they deserve better than what life has brought them. They become sorrowful, resentful, and even jealous of other people and their successes. Pride breeds self-pity, which is a major component in depression. Typically, people who struggle with pride will live life based on how they feel and expect everyone else to accommodate them and adapt to their moods.

Two key characteristics of pride are independence and rebellion. It should not be too difficult for us to understand why this is so. The truth is we all want our own way about things, and we usually will do almost anything to have it our way. The sinful nature leads us to desire independence, and we rebel at the thought of being under anyone’s control or authority.

In his pride the wicked does not seek him; in all his thoughts there is no room for God. Psalm 10:4 (NIV)

In our hearts we say as Pharaoh did, “Who is the Lord that I should obey Him?” (Exodus 5:2)

The truth is, we cannot remain full of pride because God hates pride!

All who fear the LORD will hate evil. That is why I hate pride, arrogance, corruption, and perverted speech. Proverbs 8:13 (NLT)

The heart of pride brings devastating consequences that God ordains: a hardened heart and consequences of this sin. Scripture shows us the results of pride through the examples of two kings: King Nebuchadnezzar and King Herod. They both became prideful and consequently were humbled by God.

In your life, pride will cause your heart to harden toward God. Consequently, God will not allow you to prosper. He will bring you dishonor, which is the last thing a prideful person wants (Proverbs 11:2).

Pride brings opposition from God. He will not share His glory with anyone or anything. The prideful person is self-deceived. Often prideful people are mistakenly diagnosed with “low self-esteem” because their actions and attitudes appear to be self-depreciating. Low self-esteem is defined as “a person’s belief regarding the degree to which he is worthy of praise.”

The prideful person already thinks very highly of himself or herself! People infected by pride typically think so much of themselves that they believe the world should revolve around them. The only thing important to prideful people is getting their needs filled. It may be an emotional need, a desire for attention, or a resistance to conform to social norms in order to be seen as an individual.

Prideful people struggle with bitterness, revenge, conceit, self-pity, a competitive nature, gossip, slander, and vanity. They display a desire to be noticed, which is disguised as shyness. They typically have a lust for attention, approval, and praise. Those who attempt to build them up psychologically only assist them in further self-indulgence.

Pride is an evil of the heart that must be done away with for the Believer to grow and change.

Thinking About Feelings

Watch over your heart with all diligence,for from it flow the springs of life. Proverbs 4:23 (NASB)

Once again we return to the topic of combating our feelings and looking at them from a biblical perspective. Why is this so important? First, because we live in a society that emphasizes living by your feelings. People make life altering decisions based on "a feeling" every day and often those feelings lead them right off a cliff.  Secondly, women tend to be much more emotional and feeling oriented then men are. We have to understand where they come from and how to deal with our feelings biblically so we can honor and glorify God despite how we feel. Thirdly, generally speaking, our feelings are revealing our hearts to us. 


This is important to understand for if you want to correct unhappy or sad feelings, you have to address your heart. For as much as I know about biblical counseling, when I apply this truth to myself I still don't like it! I would much rather blame how I am feeling on someone else, take a circumstance in my life and say that "it" is the reason I am feeling sad, or angry or even depressed.


Biblically, most of the time our feelings and emotions are our responses to things that a sovereign God has brought into our lives. He allows hardship through financial reversal, He allows rebellious children who throw away all the truth that has been poured into them, He allows job loss, He allows our husbands to sin against us, He allows our bosses to treat us unkindly, and He allows our Country to be taken over by people we don't approve of.


How we respond to these or any other things that take place in life reveals what we believe about God. Isn't that amazing?! Next time you find yourself "in a mood" about something, try asking yourself questions like these:

• What do I want that I am not getting?
• What am I getting that I do not want?
• What perceived right of mine is being violated?
• Who or what are my thoughts focused on now?
• Have I pinned my hopes on something that I have been denied?
• What do I believe would make me happy?

Asking yourself questions will help you clarify what your thought patterns are, they will help you understand why you are feeling the way you are. The answers will help you to identify what is going on in the heart that are leading are to think, believe, and desire the way you are at that point in time. Once you know what you are thinking, and if it is in line with God's Word or not, you can make a correction in the heart to respond rightly. When you can clarify what you believe to be the truth you can compare it against the truth of Scripture and see if is measures up to God's unchangeable Word. When you can identify what you are desiring or worshiping in your heart you are able to determine if you are practicing some from of idolatry and once you know what it is you can rid yourself of it and return to worshiping God alone.


So many times women have told me what a huge change has been made by practicing this one aspect of counseling! Understanding what one thinks, believes, and desires in their heart is crucial and critical to true change of life.


Of course, there are certainly times when we are in the midst of tragedy and great loss that we can barely make sense of our thoughts or our feelings. They are too jumbled and we are in a daze of pain. For instance, I recall when my Mom passed on a few years ago I had a pile of feelings and emotions that I had no clue what to do with. I was happy she was with Jesus and devastated at my personal loss at the same time. I was relieved because she was not suffering and guilty for being glad about the burden of her care being gone at the same time. I was rejoicing and sorrowful. And I was also numb.


Some of you are facing tremendously difficult circumstances in your lives right now. Your emotions may threaten to sweep you away and you may find you have to work at this mind renewal a while.  Sometimes you may have to set the active process aside and come back at a later time. I will never tell you this is an easy process, because it is not. It is a fight against the flesh that desires to wallow and sulk and ruminate.


Even the desire to wallow, sulk, and ruminate has to be examined! When I was in the refining fire I had to ask myself the reasons I wanted to share my sorrow with others. Sometimes it is because we want sympathy and because it feeds the flesh. You see, in our humanity our deceitful hearts take us places we don't realize we want to go. This is why the Spirit of God must be leading the charge for change. Personally, apart from the Spirit of God revealing it to me I have a hard time discerning what is in my sinful heart because I lie even to myself! But God who sees and knows all- He is completely aware of all of the contents of the heart, and only He can help us to overcome. 

Fear of Man Unmasked

When a person lives in their emotions, and their sense of self-worth is very important to them. They must be well thought of, and live for the approval of people. What develops from there is often known of as fear of man issues.


Fear of man is not easy to detect, because those who struggle with it often have the best attitudes about everything! They are the go-to women who are everywhere doing everything in your churches. Their homes are a beehive of activity, and they are the self-sacrificing wives of busy men. These women rarely say "no " to anything, and they determine not to let anyone down.


Women who struggle with fear of man issues appear to be so happy and content, especially while they are serving others. In reality, many are prisoners of the good opinions of those people they serve. Ed Welch, in his fantastic book When People Are Big and God is Small says this about fear of man: “It includes being afraid of someone, but it extends to holding someone in awe, being controlled or mastered by people, worshiping other people, putting your trust in people, or needing people” (p. 14). People become “our idol of choice.”


Those with fear of man issues describe themselves as being “shy,” having "love or approval needs," "People-pleasers," having an "empty love tank/cup," or may have picked up the term "co-dependent" somewhere along the way. They truly do not understand that what they have been living is grossly sinful before God.


When people are big their opinions are so very important to us. We have to "fit in" and believe we have to "belong." I struggled with this whole area so much as I was growing up! I desperately wanted to fit in with those I perceived to be the popular kids. I literally agonized before my clothes closet each morning trying to divine what the girls would be wearing that day- would it be pants or skirts? And when I would get it wrong I was crushed, and my day would be ruined. This constant approval seeking led me to do things I had been raised to know were wrong. I was constantly seeking the positive strokes the approval of others would bring me. The fear of rejection was so great, I constantly adapted to whoever and whatever would bring me the praise of my peers. Fear of man is also known as "peer pressure" so be sure your teens understand that truth!


If you recognize yourself as this kind of idolater rejoice! There is hope for you in Christ to change from one who has an overly high view of man to someone who has a high view of God. Having a proper view of God comes from seeing Him the way the Bible describes Him to be.


“There is no one holy like the LORD, indeed, there is no one besides You" (1 Sam. 2:2)
"...give thanks to Your holy name" (1 Chron. 16:35)
"...I will ascribe righteousness to my Maker." (Job 36:3)


Even a quick study of the names of God reveals His nature and His character, and all speak of His goodness, righteousness, justice, holiness, mightiness, and love. When we elevate the opinions of people over the Person of God we are headed for disastrous waters. Our focus is to be on the worship of God, and living to reveal Him to others that they might also be drawn to Him through our lives and witness.


Having a "fear of God" meaning reverence and awe of Him becomes our life's passion. It becomes more important to do what is honorable in God's eyes despite how others think of us or our decisions and opinions. In our day and age, this may mean taking a stand against a politically correct position or admitting you actually read and believe the Bible. Having a high view of God puts what the Bible says above the opinion of man and government.


Developing a reverence for God over a fear of man requires a commitment to God that goes beyond the superficial. If you are really in the mood for change, pick up Ed Welch's book, When People Are Big and God is Small. It will open your eyes!

Be Sure

Test yourselves to see if you are in the faith; examine yourselves! Or do you not recognize this about yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you-- unless indeed you fail the test? 2 Corinthians 13:5 (NASB) 

Every once and a while I am reminded of the dire straits the church is currently in. Recently it was commentary I have heard by church members and leaders of various "Christian" denominations in response to a certain political leader's endorsement of a lifestyle choice. 

It is further evidence that a person can "come to Christ" without Christ ever coming to them. What I mean by this is that I suspect that when some of these people meet Jesus face to face upon their death they will be shocked that He does not know them. 

Because of false teachers who are teaching false doctrines there are an abundance of people who are completely deceived into believing that they possess salvation!  

“But woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you shut the kingdom of heaven in people’s faces. For you neither enter yourselves nor allow those who would enter to go in”. Matt. 23:13 (ESV)

Where has the high and holy calling of the Pastor of Preaching gone? Where are the men who fearlessly and righteously proclaim the Word of God to their congregations?  I am not talking about legalism and lists of dos and don’ts, I am speaking of the exegetical preaching and teaching of the Bible-God’s Word as God intended it to be understood.  Proper interpretation that leads to proper application!

We live in a church culture in which many preachers use the Word to fit their own agenda whether it is church growth, seeker sensitive, controlling by fear of judgment, how to have your best life now, and amassing small fortunes by collecting “seed money,” or any other motive that is not biblical.

Because of this kind of teaching, we live in a church culture that says, "Today a man can be saved without change."  

How can a person be regenerated (saved, born again, raised from spiritual deadness to life) and continue to think and believe in ways that are completely contrary to Scripture? How can a person who professes to belong to a Holy God continue without remorse to live sinfully?  How can someone who says they love God endorse and support what God says is evil?

And since they did not see fit to acknowledge God, God gave them up to a debased mind to do what ought not to be done. They were filled with all manner of unrighteousness, evil, covetousness, malice. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, maliciousness. They are gossips, slanderers, haters of God, insolent, haughty, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, foolish, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Though they know God’s decree that those who practice such things deserve to die, they not only do them but give approval to those who practice them. Romans 1:28-32 (ESV)

Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.  1 Corinthians 6:9-10 (ESV) 

I did not write the above passage of Scripture, it was written under the influence of the Holy Spirit (2 Peter 1:20-21) for our understanding and transformation (1 Timothy 3:16).  I do accept and believe it is the truth.

Church, we must examine ourselves to be sure that we as individuals are right in our beliefs and that those who teach us are rightly dividing the Word of truth (2 Timothy 2:15)! You can know that you sit under biblical teaching; you can know that you truly are regenerated!

Does your life reflect the life of Christ in any way? Can you look back on your life since you prayed that prayer or walked the aisle and see a true difference in yourself? Oh, I am not talking about doing good deeds before men, but can you see a change on the inside where the Spirit of God resides in a person? I am not talking about perfection either; but consistent growth and change. Change from what you once were to more closely reflect the image and likeness of Christ.

Is there conviction when you sin? Do you hate your sin and grieve when you commit sins the Bible mentions? Speaking of the Bible, do you ever desire to read it? Is there a longing for the Word of God in your soul that is so great you cannot stand to miss reading it? Is there a desire to honor and glorify God that burns so hot within you that your thoughts, beliefs, and desires are governed by it?

If not….why not?  

The consistent, accurate preaching of the Word of God will bring these things about in the life of a regenerated Christian.  Is it that you do hear good preaching but choose to ignore the admonitions? Is your heart hard because of ongoing and unrepentant sin? Have you been deceived and lulled into believing that you possess in Christ what you actually do not possess? 

These are weighty, heavy thoughts for a Monday morning, but I believe more than ever that we are at a crossroads in history.  Each of us will stand before God, some as victors and some as fools.  Examine yourself today, and examine your church’s preaching and teaching ministry. Be sure that you are in the faith!

Dealing with Lies and Slander, A Biblical Response -Part 3

Today we conclude the series on how to respond to lies and slander.  This continues to be a topic that generates a large number of searches in the search engines on the internet. There must be a large number of people wanting to know how to respond biblically to such attacks, and for this I am thankful.

If this is your first visit on this topic, I suggest you go back a few days and catch parts 1 and 2.  We will pick up today’s final installment where we left off yesterday.

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. 16Be of the same mind toward one another; do not be haughty in mind, but associate with the lowly. Do not be wise in your own estimation.17Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men. 18If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. 19Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “VENGEANCE IS MINE, IWILL REPAY,” says the Lord. 20“BUT IF YOUR ENEMY IS HUNGRY, FEED HIM, AND IF HE IS THIRSTY, GIVE HIM A DRINK; FOR IN SO DOING YOU WILL HEAP BURNING COALS ON HIS HEAD.” 21Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Romans 12:14-21 (NASB)

v 17 - Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. This is an imperative statement, meaning it is a command. Refusing to pay back evil for evil is at the heart of the Christian life! Our response to evil is display goodness to those who have afflicted us, for that is how our Savior responded. 

Never means under no circumstances or at any time pay back evil for evil.  In order to keep this command you must refrain from slandering the person or people who have done it to you. You must not lie or gossip about them. You are to put blessing them (v 14) into practice.  

How can you bless them? Repay their evil with kindness, go out of your way to speak a good word to them, see if there is a way you can be of help to them, or simply smile and greet them when you see them.  Above all, pray for them! Pray that God would minister to them and convict them of their sin that they will be restored in their relationships with others.

v 18 - If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. The hard truth is that despite your best efforts, you may never be at peace with all men because relationships are a two way street. In my assignment scenario (from the previous post) the person being slandered and lied about was really innocent and not even involved in the situation. We live in a very fallen world, and we are often dealing with unbelievers who do not want to be at peace with us. The “If possible” part simply means that we do our best in the situation to be like Christ. 

When you have been attacked your pride may be deeply wounded. No one that I know of wants to be thought badly of by other people but it is a fact of living in a fallen world.  

Your pride is certainly affected when you think you are being denied the respect you believe you are due. Often this is because we have an inflated view of self and think people should respect us “because of who we are.”  This is seen when a person thinks they deserve better than what they get, or when they think they are worthy of honor and it is denied. This is nothing more than pride and it is wrongly labeled self-esteem by the modern psychological movement. 

It is not a bad thing for your pride to be wounded. God is always in the business of removing pride from the human heart because He hates it! (1 Peter 5:5) Pride draws us away from God and when we get too much of it we seem to believe that we don’t have a need for God or His wisdom as much as when we have been taken down a few notches (Gal. 6:3; Rom. 12:3).

It is hard to hear people say horrible things to you and about you and while I am not for one moment promoting you place yourself in situations where you will be a verbal punching bag, I am saying that there will be times you must allow it to pass you by without response (Phil. 2:3-4).

Reading Friends, all of this brings us back to the foot of the cross. Righteous responses like those we have looked at these past two blogs are impossible apart from the Holy Spirit. They are impossible unless we realize that the ground is level at the foot of the cross, and you and I are just as capable of the lies, gossip and slander that may have been thrown our way. We must look at our own heart and examine ourselves in the light of His Word and only by His grace determine to apply these truths to our lives that they will overflow into the lives of others.

Responding to Lies and Slander Part 2

Today I am re-posting part 2 of a blog series on a topic that continues to get many hits.  The topic is on learning how to respond when attacked by lies and slander. The particulars of any given situation are not as important as helping you to learn how to properly respond to lies and slander. I want you to know what the Bible says to do when you are and how to deal with the resulting confusion, hurt, and anger.

The important question you must ask yourself is this: “How can I respond in a way that glorifies God?” 

Your natural man will want to reply in anger, do the words you want to say glorify God? (Prov. 4:24; Prov. 19:1; Ecc. 5:6; Col 3:8) Your first desire may be to attack back, to accuse and to think of every terrible thing you can about those who have hurt you by their words. But if your desire is to glorify God, then you must let the Word of God be your guide.

Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear. Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Ephesians 4:29-31 

In this verse we are specifically told not to use foul language. “Unwholesome” is a nice way of saying “trash” or “garbage.” Paul is telling us not to talk trash to one another or about one another because this grieves the Holy Spirit.  It grieves Him when we tear down someone God has created and who may even be a fellow believer (Jas. 3:8-9). Additionally, Jesus has enabled us to respond righteously by His death and resurrection and in those incidences we choose to ignore that precious gift (1 Cor. 10:13; 2 Cor. 2:9:8).

We are told to put bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor and slander away from us. The temptation to participate in all these behaviors is very strong when a person is being lied about and slandered. But if we want to glorify God in our response we must deny the desires of the heart and obey God.

Your flesh will want revenge! Does avenging yourself glorify God? (Rom. 12:19)

No, of course it does not. To glorify God we must do the hard things in Romans 12. I have inserted the whole passage here for you to read and meditate on. 

Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. 2And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.

      3For through the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think; but to think so as to have sound judgment, as God has allotted to each a measure of faith. 4For just as we have many members in one body and all the members do not have the same function, 5so we, who are many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another.6Since we have gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, each of us is to exercise them accordingly: if prophecy, according to the proportion of his faith; 7if service, in his serving; or he who teaches, in his teaching; 8or he who exhorts, in his exhortation; he who gives, with liberality; he who leads, with diligence; he who shows mercy, with cheerfulness.

      9Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good. 10Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor; 11not lagging behind in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; 12rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation, devoted to prayer, 13contributing to the needs of the saints, practicing hospitality.

      14Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. 16Be of the same mind toward one another; do not be haughty in mind, but associate with the lowly. Do not be wise in your own estimation.17Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men. 18If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. 19Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “VENGEANCE IS MINE, IWILL REPAY,” says the Lord. 20“BUT IF YOUR ENEMY IS HUNGRY, FEED HIM, AND IF HE IS THIRSTY, GIVE HIM A DRINK; FOR IN SO DOING YOU WILL HEAP BURNING COALS ON HIS HEAD.” 21Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

v 14 - Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. It is difficult to pray for those who curse you! It is difficult to bless them with kind words and actions. And yet, it is what we are called to do.

Take some time today and read this passage and meditate on its truths before tomorrow’s final installment in this series. Let the important truths and imperatives wash over your heart. As the Lord to examine your heart in light of this passage and if you find conviction from the Spirit confess your sin to Him.  He waits with open arms to help you heal these hurts. 

More tomorrow.