Because of the pervasive nature of sexual sin, I am writing a new book on the topic. It is for those who have been sinned against by a spouse who views pornography, has had an emotional affair or a physical affair. I began thinking about this book several years ago and because I have had so many counselee's whose husbands have been caught up in some form of sexual sin I thought I would take the wealth of their combined experience and put it together to help others.
What I want you to know is that it was not your fault- you didn't make him do anything
Despite anything that has been said to you, what your spouse did was not your fault, it was his own decision. Unless someone held a gun to his head, what your husband did was of his own volition.
He had a lust or desire of the heart that was not fulfilled. The lust or desire was most likely illegitimate meaning it was not based in Scripture or was selfish and self-serving. You must believe that if it was not “her” it would have been someone else, because this sexual sin is a HEART issue.
I cannot and will not say that you as his wife had no culpability whatsoever, because I don’t know that. There are some marriages that are void of any sexual contact; the couple lives together, sleeps together, spend time together, but there is no sexual intimacy.
This is a violation 1 Cor. 7, which clearly states that married couples are to engage in sexual intimacy for precisely this reason! Men and women were wired for sex in the confines of marriage. Paul specifically says we are not to withhold our bodies from our spouse, in fact he says that when you marry your body no longer belongs to you, but to your husband or wife. When sex is withheld in marriage it provides the occasion for sin. It is sin in the thought life, wandering thoughts that lead to wandering hands and wandering bodies.
I would like to lay the blame squarely that the feet of Satan, but I cannot do that. Jer. 17:9 says that the heart is deceptive, and desperately wicked. So wicked in fact that we cannot and do not know the depths of the depravity that lives there. So wicked and so deceptive that we can rationalize our sinful desires and be lulled into thinking that our sin is justified, “Because she would not….” or “Because I don’t feel….” and “God surely does not want me to live this way…”
I cannot say that you as the offended spouse have not been selfish, greedy, self-pitying, hateful or cruel to your husband. You have to examine your life, and ask God’s help in examining your own heart to determine what sin you have contributed to taking the marriage to this point of brokenness.
Again, what your spouse did is not your fault; he is completely responsible for his own actions. You are responsible for yours. At some point you must be willing to confess your sin to your spouse and ask his forgiveness for the sin that you have committed against him in the marriage. You must determine to change the areas of your life that are problematic. Not change that makes you happy or your spouse happy, but change that glorifies God and further identifies you as His child.
It is also possible that you have had a great marriage. It is possible that you and your spouse have had a great relationship that includes communication, companionship and an agreeable amount of sex that pleases both of you. Like any relationship, yours has had its ups and downs but overall you thought your marriage was impervious to this sort of thing. The revelation of sexual sin has completely blown you away.
You cannot comprehend the reality that your husband has been involved in sexual sin. You did not see the signs; you did not see this coming. What you saw was a bright future ahead which you now realize was an oncoming train that has run you over.
You want to believe it was a mistake, a foolish and stupid mistake. A lapse in judgment or something he did in a moment of thoughtlessness or drunkenness or something, anything other than what it truly is. You want to believe him when he says, “It meant/means nothing.”
The hard thing to accept is that no matter what he says, he truly wanted this on some level, because sexual sin is a heart issue, and reveals the contents of the inner man. This is incredibly difficult to wrap your mind around and accept for some people. It is sometimes even difficult for the offending adulterous person to accept.
Because we are so adept at lying to ourselves, and rationalizing and justifying our behavior it is very easy to overlook this truth: sexual sin is never an accident. A person cannot accidentally have sexual relations with another person, a car doesn't have auto pilot that drives the owner to the porn store or the strip club, or cruises for prostitutes. There is always a decision to be made before typing “XXX porn” into the search bar on the computer, and then another decision to be made before clicking a link. Most likely there are other decisions to be made along the way as well, so to say that sexual sin is “unintentional” is a lie.
There is always, always thought, belief and desire that goes into making the decision to be immoral. It is not a decision that happens outside of yourself, nothing takes possession of you and forces your body to operate independent of your thoughts, beliefs or desires! It just does not happen.
Whatever took your husband to commit sexual immorality was something he wanted and sought after. He was someplace he should not have been, he was involved with someone in some way that he knew was wrong or dangerous to his marriage covenant.
There was time to think about where he was headed before the two of them got naked or performed sex acts with each other. There was time as they chatted on line to close out the chat, delete the account, “unfriend” on Facebook, get in the car, call you, run away, sneak out the back of the store, or be honest and say he could not do this; he could not take this one step further.
The fact is…your husband did not. I know that is brutal, ugly and heartbreaking. The truth is hard to look at but trust me when I tell you that you will benefit from these words however hard they are to stomach today.
I will continue tomorrow and pick up where we left off.