Have A Good Cry

Jesus wept. John 11:35 (NASB)

This is the shortest verse in the entire Bible, yet it is a very powerful one.  This verse is a good reminder to me that tears are not a sign of weakness or failure.  Tears result from sorrow and pain and sometimes out of sheer frustration for lack of anything else to do with the emotions.

Our Lord left a good example in every area of life. When he met Mary and Martha in Bethany they were grieving hard and confused as to why Jesus didn’t come in time to save their brother Lazarus.  When he beheld their grief he cried along with them.

This was a very good reminder for me this week.  This has been a tough week in the ministry and I found myself very burdened and weighed down the other night.  It has been unusual in that there has been a lot of sorrow in the lives of my counselee’s and I hurt for them.  Romans 12:15 tells us to weep with those who weep and the Bible further comforts us with the knowledge that our sorrows matter to God; He keeps all our tears in a bottle (Ps. 56:8).

So often when a woman sits down and begins to tell me her story the tears begin to flow and invariably she apologizes for them as she reaches for the tissue and tries to stem the flow. I want my counselee’s to know that my office is a safe place to shed some tears.

Tears do not make a person weak; they make them compassionate and loving. It is alright that I cry with and for my counselee’s when their lives are blown apart, their children are very ill, and life has been turned upside down.  Our tears are indicators that we have feelings, and our feelings are a part of the emotional package God gives to each of us. 

It is not good or healthy to pretend we do not need to cry from time to time. Crying can actually make a person feel better physically from release of various chemicals into the body.  It can be harmful to suppress tears and the emotions that provoke them over the long term.  Many who stuff their emotions are afflicted with various health problems and seek out other harmful and risky behaviors to deal with those emotions.

There is a careful balance that must be observed in expression of our emotions; too much emoting is as unhealthy as none at all.  We must be cautious not to live in our emotions or allow them to control us and take over our lives.  When we are sad, it is sometimes very easy to focus exclusively on our sorrow and misery and give ourselves permission to let our emotions dictate what we do and don’t do.

Filter your emotions through the Word of God, and be sure you are talking with someone who will walk with you as you process your pain.  Let your tears flow…and remember that joy comes with the morning (Ps. 30:5). 

The Only Hope that Lasts

All day long my television blares out all the things I need to make me happy. It tells me what I am supposed to wear and smell like to be successful too.  It tells me how I am supposed to feel after eating at a certain place or trying a new product.  Promises, promises! All of these things give false hope are temporary and all will fade away.

In the face of the trials so many of our Christian brothers and sisters are confronted with every day none of that stuff matters. In fact, if you were to ask them about the importance of any of those things I listed above they would laugh in your face.

The counselee’s that I meet with each week could not care less about any of those things because they are facing very difficult trials. I spoke with someone today whose husband threw her out, and another who has been abandoned by hers. These women are brokenhearted and their lives are in shambles.

I can’t tell them that everything is going to be alright or that their husbands will come back home because I don’t know that. I don’t know the future but I do know the One who does.

The hope I can offer is that God has not and will not reject her and that He loves her. I can remind them that the Lord is very familiar with rejection (Isa. 53:3) and the pain they currently are experiencing. I tell her of the hope of her eternal destination and how when she sees Jesus He will wipe away every tear and there will be no more sorrow.

I cannot tell her how God will meet the needs of everyday life, but I can tell her He will. God is faithful to take care of His own in every respect (Matt. 6:25-32).  I can remind her of His faithfulness throughout history to His people, providing meat and water in the middle of the desert (Gen. 16-17) and how they never went hungry and their clothes never wore out.  I can give her recent accounts of God providing the necessary funds for people I know,  providing a home for a family who recently lost theirs, and providing “just enough” to tide them over until payday.

I want her to look for God in the midst of her wilderness because I know she will find Him there.  I want to point her to the Everlasting God, the Faithful Providing One, the God Who Hears who will never leave her or forsake her.

I want her to immerse herself in Him and His Word to strengthen herself for the difficult and emotionally draining days ahead. I want her to know that He is enough and that He will sustain her through this time.  This is what gives hope.

Theology in Counseling

I am a fanatic for theology, especially as to how it applies in counseling. I have long said that it is critically important for women to understand theology because each counseling issue reveals an aspect of theology that is out of whack. 

Theology is from two Greek words that mean God (theos) and word (logos). Women are to by faith know God and His Word and then make application of its commands and principles to our lives.  

If more women paid attention to God's Word instead of Cosmo, and the latest trashy novel or program on television they would know how to solve the common to man (1 Cor. 10:13) problems of their lives.  They would be full of wisdom and insight and when faced with troublesome issues they would not seek Dr. Phil, or Dr. Ablow.  Our homes might be less stressful places and more restful and harmonious places to come to after a tough day.  We would have the answers for others and would soon be known for the wise and insightful counsel we give when called upon. 

"Acquire wisdom! Acquire understanding! Do not forget nor turn away from the words of my mouth. “Do not forsake her, and she will guard you; Love her, and she will watch over you.  “The beginning of wisdom is: Acquire wisdom; And with all your acquiring, get understanding. “Prize her, and she will exalt you; She will honor you if you embrace her. “She will place on your head a garland of grace; She will present you with a crown of beauty.” Proverbs 4:5-9 (NASB)

Women who are theologians study and internalize the Word.  They know that to live the life that God has called us to live involves theology. To understand the changes that must be made in our minds and hearts we must know theology! 

Paul made a big deal out of instructing his young apprentice Timothy to stick to sound doctrine, from good and accurate theology.  “In pointing out these things to the brethren, you will be a good servant of Christ Jesus, constantly nourished on the words of the faith and of the sound doctrine which you have been following.” 1 Timothy 4:6 (NASB)

Paul exhorts him again in 2 Timothy 1:13 when he says, "What you heard from me, keep as the pattern of sound teaching, with faith and love in Christ Jesus."

Why would Paul consider theology so important?  In Titus 1:9 he tells Timothy to: "hold(ing) fast the faithful word which is in accordance with the teaching, so that he will be able both to exhort in sound doctrine and to refute those who contradict." ...  "For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but wanting to have their ears tickled, they will accumulate for themselves teachers in accordance to their own desires" 2 Timothy 4:3 (NASB)

Paul knew that when the foundation is not build on doctrinal truth, the person would be susceptible to a distorted gospel and be easily led astray.  I can see this so clearly in the community contacts who come to us for biblical counseling!

Women who attend churches that do not teach sound doctrine and who don't study theology for themselves are confused and are often very focused only on obtaining God’s blessings and have an expectation of God to serve them and meet their emotional and felt needs.  They are ignorant of solid theological truth and its necessary impact on their lives.  

I do hear and see volumes of bad theology coming from those counselee’s. The tragic thing is the wrong theology spreads faster than the correct one does, woman to woman, email to email, phone call to phone call because women are wired to help each other. We want to help, to give advice and counsel to one another but when our counsel is based in wrong theology we often make matters worse. 

It is critically important that women know theology.  We are the more frequent counselee’s, the more relational ones, and the most likely to go looking for help someplace, we have to provide a biblically literate group of women who will have sound and godly wisdom to offer to those women looking for somewhere to go for answers.

We must become a part of the solution to the theologically illiterate women in the church. 

Son of God

Today I have the unique privilege of re-posting a blog written by my son, Jake.  It is about our son-ship in Christ and focuses on something I know you all struggle with too; attempting to maintain your favor with God.  I know you will be blessed. 

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, 4 even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love 5 he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, 6  to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. Ephesians 1:3-5

I was reading a book yesterday and the author was addressing reasons for why we sin. Sometimes we sin out of punishment, revenge, redemption, or reward. It was pointed out to me that I function as a slave with God. I've began building my identity on that which I do and don't do. I understand that my identity is only in Jesus and what He has done- but I've built my acceptance with God on the terms I've set. When I don't sin and live as I "ought" I'm doing "well" and I deserve a reward; but when I am in a state of rebellion I cling to a form of despair.

This thinking is overwhelmingly toxic to my heart and soul and has lead to hours of despairing thoughts and existential binds. I start making demands, and then when I don't hold up my end of the bargain, I punish myself. To make it worse, I punish myself with more sin. It's a vicious cycle. You stop delighting in doing what's right and start "working" for what is right. You cease to enjoy God as a Father and King and see Him has a means to an end, or some potent force you must keep pleased.

Paul tells us that God predestined us for adoption. God decided before the creation of the universe, as He dwelled in perfect Triune harmony that He would save some instead of letting us get the wrath we deserve. He's done this by adopting us. We were outcasts, the foster kids. No one wanted us, we weren't special, we weren't worthy. We were helpless. God lovingly comes to us and saves us and He calls us His sons (and daughters).

Now the thing that's crazy about this is the significance of natural titles. I am a male. I will always be a male. There's nothing that can happen to change that I as a soul am male. Beyond that, I'm a son. I'm my dad's son. Nothing in the world is able to undo this title I've been given as son. It's a God-established relationship between me and my father. And no matter what I do, how far I run, how much I hurt my dad, how much destruction or wrong I do, I am always going to be my dads son.

God's adopted me as a son. Nothing can change that title. He's chosen me and secured me for life. No matter how much I sin against God, no matter how futile my bartering attempts are, He's my dad and I'm His son. When He sees Jesus, He sees me.

This changes everything. I don't need to function in a world of despair and fear of doing wrong if I sin. I get to joyfully do what's right because He's my dad and my approval is already earned and it can't be lost. I'm secure because Christ has secured me and I'm adopted into a family that doesn't let go.

So if someone did decide to read this, I want to encourage you to examine how you're functioning. Are you functioning in a state of despair or shame with God? Or as an adopted son/daughter whose standing isn't affected by what you do, because it's already paid for.
We don't need to run into penance and make ourselves feel bad about what we've done. It brings unnecessary shame and guilt.

Go and be free from your shame.

The Pain of Rejection

Have you been rejected? There is nothing quite as painful as being told verbally or otherwise that you are not wanted or needed.  When I worked in the medical field, my largest clientele were elderly people.  It was very sad to hear their stories of being rejected by their children and left to waste away alone.  Several of the marriage cases I have in counseling are ones in which one spouse has rejected the other and that is very tragic. 

Rejection comes in all different forms. A person can be rejected for a job, for a date, for a friend and even rejected as a parent and spouse. I have been on both sides of rejection, refusing to admit someone into my heart and life and I have also been rejected. Quite honestly, there were times I really didn't care that I was spurned. I simply picked up and went on in life. Then there were the other times...the times that I thought I would collapse in a heap from the pain. The times when it seemed my spirit was wounded beyond repair and my heart seemed to have been ripped from my chest and ground under foot.

Rejection is such a deeply personal hurt because often it is not our deeds or actions that are rejected, it is us as people, our very person hood is what seems to disqualify us from being a part of the life of the other person. There is little we can do when someone finds our very existence unacceptable to them or too distasteful for them to be around.

The rejection that seems to hurt the most is the one that comes from a person in whom we have placed value and meaning. I wonder if there is anything more painful than being rejected in that way.

I once had occasion to live this in a very personal manner. When I was a very new Christian my then-husband rejected me in part because he did not like who and what I was turning into. My new found faith bothered him and he didn't like that I was no longer interested in saying and doing the things I did pre-regeneration. He scorned me and my faith and ridiculed me, calling me "holier than thou" and other things along the same lines.  I was deeply hurt by his treatment of me, and even more devastated when he actually left me.

The Lord used these words of comfort from Isaiah 54 to minister to my soul many, many times over that dark period:

“Fear not; you will no longer live in shame. The shame of your youth and the sorrows of widowhood will be remembered no more, for your Creator will be your husband. The LORD Almighty is his name! He is your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel, the God of all the earth. For the LORD has called you back from your grief—as though you were a young wife abandoned by her husband,” says your God. “For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with great compassion I will take you back. In a moment of anger I turned my face away for a little while. But with everlasting love I will have compassion on you,” says the LORD, your Redeemer.  Isaiah 54:4-8 (NLT)

While not being used in context, these words were a soothing balm to my soul. I claimed the Lord as my Husband and placed my trust in Him to care for me and my two young sons. I knew God had not abandoned me, His Word tell me He will never forsake His own (Heb. 13:5) so I placed my confidence in that truth.

I also learned though a study of the Scriptures that I was not alone in being rejected, that better followers of Christ than I had also experienced abandonment. Those who have endured the pain of rejection share a common bond with our Lord. He is their protector, defender and avenger. 

He (Jesus) was despised and forsaken of men, A man of sorrows and acquainted with grief; And like one from whom men hide their face He was despised, and we did not esteem Him.  Isaiah 53:3 (NASB)

And He (Jesus) began to teach them that the Son of Man must suffer many things and be rejected by the elders and the chief priests and the scribes, and be killed, and after three days rise again. And He was stating the matter plainly. Mark 8:31-32 (NASB) (also see Luke 17:25)

At my (Paul) first defense no one supported me, but all deserted me; may it not be counted against them.   2 Timothy 4:16 (NASB)

So we can see that no one is exempt from rejection or abandonment. It is a result of the curse of fallen mankind. It seems that we are doomed to be cruel to one another in this life because of what took place in Genesis 3.  Mankind became completely self-centered and began to live to worship and serve only himself. We have carried that sin into the present age and are more than willing to throw others under the bus when it suits us. There is no other explanation for our hurtful actions.

Rejection often happens when a person decides they are "worth" more than what the other offers them or does for them. It is like the reason a person chooses one job over another, they think they either have or can get a better deal elsewhere. When it happens in a relationship it is an outflow of the heart.  It is indicative of self-worship and is the epitome of a person who is selfish and self-centered. Having a heart of self and being self-serving and self-worshiping is rebellion against God. It is plain and simple idolatry.  

Rejection does not mean it is over for you, God is faithful and promises to never leave you or forsake you (Heb. 13:5). You can trust in Him with your whole heart (Prov. 3:5-6), for He loves you with an everlasting love (Jer. 31:3). 

Lying Lips and a Deceitful Tongue

Deliver my soul, O Lord, from lying lips, from a deceitful tongue. Psalm 120:2

As Christians we are commanded to speak the truth (Eph 4:25). We are not to lie to one another in any respect because lying does not glorify God. 

God's perspective on lies is very clear!


Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, but those who deal faithfully are His delight. Proverbs 12:22

There are six things which the Lord hates, Yes, seven which are an abomination to Him: Haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood. Proverbs 6:16-17

Lying has terrible effects on relationships. Learning you have been lied to deals a serious blow to a friendship or a marriage because it breaks the trust that has been built in a person. Once a person has been caught in a lie we are immediately suspicious of everything they say.  Lies cause us to question the integrity of the person who has deceived us and often we find ourselves looking around every corner to verify even the smallest thing they say or do is truthful. 

One reason deception is so destructive is that is empties the bank of trust we have in a person we love. We enter into a relationship with a degree of trust that is either proven to be well placed and grows stronger or is proven to be mis-placed and decreases with time and revelations of lies. When the trust we have placed in someone is broken through deception few are willing to grant a "refill" on trust without some demonstration that they are worthy of that trust.

This is frequently misunderstood as being vengeful and bitter toward them, even though we have granted them forgiveness which is a biblical response. It is not vengeful to hold them accountable and to urge them to change, it is wise. 

As in every case, we must seek to understand what the Lord would have us do, and how He would have us respond. We have the same two choices available to us as always, to glorify God or gratify the flesh. 

Glorifying God means we forgive them for lying to us. As with any other sin issue, the choice is to respond biblically in a manner that will glorify God, or respond according to the desires of the flesh knowing that this will not bring God glory. 

The godly response means forgiving the person who asks forgiveness for lies and deception. Many people are afraid to forgive a liar because they believe they are setting themselves up to be lied to again. They equate forgiveness with a restoration of trust which is not accurate. We can by God's grace forgive as we have been forgiven without restoring trust to its previous levels because trust is earned.

Trust is restored over time as a person's word is proven to be true. Your relationship will be restored and move forward. This would be the godly response to being lied to. It leads to life in the relationship and peace and unity. Follow the "trust but verify" method when you are lied to. Be sure tell the person that you want to trust them, but because of their lying to me you will have to have some evidence there has been change of heart.  The evidence of heart change comes in life change. 

As the heart is affected by the Holy Spirit working through the Word of God the liar will become a truth teller. Lies will become abhorrent to them, and they will begin to hate their former sin. They will be more concerned with honoring God than covering their own sin through lies.  This is evidence of true repentance in a person's heart and life and is worthy of great rejoicing.  

Fault Finding

Are you a fault finder? Are you always more willing to point out someone’s faults and flaws than you are to compliment them or to build them up?  Are you ready to pounce on something another person does wrong doesn't do it as well you you can do it?   

It is from the sinful heart that we beat others down by focusing on their faults and failures (Matt. 7:3-5). We hammer them into a false submission instead of bringing them hope through the gospel, the good news that Jesus died to deliver them from all their sins. We ought to spend the time we use reminding others of what failures they are and instead show them grace and mercy.

Matthew 7:3-5 reminds us that the sin we see in others pales in comparison to the level of deception we have about our own sinfulness.  What is revealed in the counseling room is that people prefer to inspect the spec in the other persons eye long before they look at the log in their own. 

“Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? “Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and behold, the log is in your own eye? “You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.

Relationships and friendships are ruined by spec inspecting and log ignoring. Each person must look at their own sinful issues and be willing to repent and change if they want to be considered a credible source for a biblical confrontation. 

A refusal to repent of your own sin while picking out every fault of another person will over time ruin every relationship you have.  No one wants to be around those who are fault finders on a consistent basis!  

How sad that Christians operate this way.  It is time for us to repent and live what we say we believe and stop tolerating "acceptable sins" in ourselves and then in one another. When will we become sick enough of our sin to want to change? When will we be grieved enough to want to throw it all away from us, to put it OFF and leave it in the grave where it belongs?

We know better, yet we keep going back to the crypt to examine that dead old man who lay there. Jesus walked out of that crypt and so have we! We have been made alive in the newness of Jesus Christ! LIVE LIKE IT!!

Discouragement

I believe devotion can bring discouragement to the life of a believer. One only has to look at the life of someone like Elijah to see that even the most devoted can suffer from discouragement in service to God.

Elijah had a word from God that it would not rain for three years (1 Kings 17:1) and it did not rain until Elijah again received a word from the Lord.

Now it happened after many days that the word of the LORD came to Elijah in the third year, saying, “Go, show yourself to Ahab, and I will send rain on the face of the earth.” 1 Kings 18:1

God then instructed Elijah to call together the 450 prophets of Baal and the dueling sacrifices began. (1 Kings 18:20- 38 ) This is a wonderful story and the writing brings forth powerful mental pictures as Elijah, the devoted servant of God Most High challenges these prophets to do whatever it takes to get a response from their god. The beginning of the end of the challenge starts with Elijah’s prayer revealing his job as God’s mouthpiece:

At the time of the offering of the evening sacrifice, Elijah the prophet came near and said, “O LORD, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Israel, today let it be known that You are God in Israel and that I am Your servant and I have done all these things at Your word. 1 Kings 18:36

The challenge ends as God reveals Himself to these people and not only consumes the sacrifice, but the water in the trench! He slays the false prophets, and tells King Ahab to watch for the coming rain. (vvs. 41-46) And seven times later, it rains!

You would think Elijah would be on top of the world! But he is quickly derailed by Ahab’s Jezebel who threatens his life. Elijah “was afraid and ran for his life” and wound up under a broom tree completely discouraged and asking to die! (1 Kings 19:1-4)

I have been discouraged in both ministry and life in general at times. The times I have been very discouraged have come after times of great joy or victory, just like Elijah experienced after God’s display of glory on Mount Carmel. His response to a threat by Ahab’s Jezebel was to run away and hide and to ask God to take his life. (Have you ever wanted to run away or just die because of the situation you faced? I have!) God did not respond harshly to him, He nourished him and gave him rest even while asking him what he was doing out there laying under the broom tree sulking (1 Kings 19:9-14).

What is the key or secret to living devoted while discouraged? How can you and I not wind up under the broom tree or on some kind of medication for depression or anxiety when faced with terrible discouragement in the midst of serving God?

I believe it begins with our thought life. Focusing on all that is wrong is not helpful, is it? I ask myself what I am thinking about that is adding to my discouragement and determine if it is true and real (Phil 4:8) or just something that I am conjuring up in my mind.

Then I move to my actions, what am I doing that may be adding to the problem? Am I just sitting around and staring at the wall, or am I attempting to do something productive? To just sit and mope or meditate on my misery is not helpful at all.

My desires are next. What do I want to see happen or change? Is what I want something that will honor God or self? Do I desire something out of a selfish heart that is focused only on relieving my suffering and misery?

As I move through each of these areas of my heart I am constantly holding up my conclusions to the light of the Word. Does each thought, belief, and desire fold into the Word of God or stand apart from it? Can I honestly say that I am honoring God in each area?

You see, devotion to the Lord is bound to bring times of discouragement! We are fighting against the flow and pushing against the tide of sinful humanity. Our priorities and perspectives are so vastly different from those of the world that they are bound to collide at times. Our flesh cries out at times for what appears to be the easy life of the unbeliever, who is not held to our biblical standards. It seems at times our trials never seem to end but roll in like waves on the sea.

Devotion to God can and often does bring the magnificent highs and lows the Elijah experienced. I can distinctly remember having some of those mountaintop types of experiences as I counseled someone through a particularly difficult case, or brought a couple who had been on the brink of divorce back to reconciliation. There is just nothing like the “spiritual high” that comes from service to the King.  On the other hand, I have suffered the agony of defeat (as sportscaster Jim McCay used to say) as one trial and trouble after another crashed upon me and I longed for escape of any kind.

You and I must learn to accept these things as a result of our being united with Christ! Jesus said, “In the world you have tribulation” (John 16:33) and it is as true today as it was when He said it to His disciples.

God- In Charge of Suffering

There is no one holy like the LORD, Indeed, there is no one besides You, Nor is there any rock like our God. 1 Samuel 2:2 

When you are suffering, where do your thoughts go?  Do you wonder if God is not aware? Do you fear the suffering is His retribution? Do you think about God's role in your suffering?  


It is important to understand that God is in charge of suffering. He allows it and He uses it. God is an active participant in our trials and sufferings and is actually orchestrating what kind of suffering we undergo. Does this trouble you? Look at what the Bible says: 


Can anything happen without the Lord’s permission? Is it not the Most High who helps one and harms another?Lamentations 3:37-38 (NLT)

This passage of Scripture offends people, especially people who are hurting. People do not like to think of God helping one and harming another. Many have been brought up to think that God is love, and is never angry with sinners. Some churches teach that every bad thing that happens is Satan, and that God is no place to be found in human suffering.

We do not like to believe that God actually orchestrates tragedy! While you may understand that God is a God of love you may not have been taught that he does allow and even bring adversity into our lives. Suffering is limited to the scope that is necessary for the Lord to accomplish the heart and life changes that He intends to bring about.  Suffering is on a proverbial leash and can go no deeper or further than He allows it to go. 

Please don't misunderstand; I am not saying God sins.  I am saying He allows us to be affected by sin and He uses sin to teach, break us, and change us. He uses our sin and the sin of others to afflict us and transform us into His image.  This means that the trials and sufferings we experience are undergoing are necessary and profitable.  A careful search of the Word of God says this is indeed the case. 

Part of our problem is that we don't like how suffering feels. When something hurts we want to avoid it and we interpret the pain as bad.  However, regardless of how it feels to us, God says our suffering is purposeful and that is far more important than any personal experience or even our feelings about adversity.  Any woman who has ever delivered a baby without pain medication understands that labor and delivery are painful, however she understands it is pain with a purpose.  

Not all pain and suffering is for such noble reasons because a primary reason we suffer is because of sin. Sin always carries a price and has a penalty and consequence attached.  All sin is a worship disorder, a reflection of a theological problem at the heart level.  As a believer, I sin because I am an idolater at heart whose hart is set on satisfying and worshiping “self.”

Self-worship lends itself to self-focus, and as the sufferer focuses on the pain of the situation, before long all the thoughts are focused on self.  There is little to no focus on glorifying God, or acceptance of what is being accomplished in the suffering. The only focus is on “Me and my pain." 

When the sole focus is on feeling better, feeling happy, gaining freedom from pain or any of a number of other desires a person has become an idolater. God sees the thoughts and intentions of the heart, He is never mocked and no human is able to fool Him. 

In Psalm 38 we read that David suffered physically, emotionally and mentally as a result of his sexual sin. He was tormented and ill.  In later Psalms David speaks about understanding that even when he suffered because of his sin God was gracious and merciful (Psalm 106:43-46). 

But He, being compassionate, forgave their iniquity and did not destroy them;And often He restrained His anger And did not arouse all His wrath. Thus He remembered that they were but flesh, A wind that passes and does not return. Psalm 78:38-39 (NASB)

God’s handling of us when we sin is instructive and intentional. The consequences we bear are intended to help us to grow and change. God intends that we learn from our consequences and also from the example left for us in His Word. 

The Measure of a Man

"You can spend your life pursuing physical perfection but there's so much more than ever meets the eye, for God looks through the surface and He defines your worth by what is on the inside. Oh, I say the measure of a man is not how tall you stand, how wealthy or intelligent you are, 'cause I found the measure of a man." 


Those lyrics are from the 1990's 4Him song titled: The Measure of a Man. I spend a lot of time writing here about relationships that are in trouble, marriages torn apart, and people that are struggling with one sin issue or another.  Today I want to talk about a few extraordinary men I know.

The first is my Dad, who at almost 91 is in good health and ability. He is a WWII Vet (Navy) and know I did not appreciate him as I should have when I was a kid. It wasn't until I was a little older and I began hearing from schoolmates who had adult males (fathers, step-fathers and mother's boy friends) that were abusing them and harming them that I began to understand how truly blessed I was to have a Dad that went to work every day, provided more than what we needed, loved his family, and would not dream of abusing or harming me did I begin to be grateful.

The second is my husband who is also an extraordinary man. He knew when he chose me that I came with a ready-made family, two little boys who had been through a difficult time at their young ages.

Essentially abandoned by their biological father, they were sad and frightened when he came along and befriended them. He was and is a unique man, full of zany humor and full of life. He wasn't and isn't afraid to watch cartoons, like action heroes, and dance like a crazy man half his age.

I did not intend to remarry, I was just reconnecting with an old friend. Because he is kind and gentle he won my heart and when it was time for him to meet the boys he just wanted to be nice to them.  He knew they were hurting. When we married, he didn't hurry them or try to push them into having feelings for him or expect them to call him "Dad" or anything other than by his name. One day they asked if they could call him "Pa" and eventually they changed it to "Daddy."

They asked if he could be their "real daddy" after another disappointing visit with the other. We never thought it could happen, but God made a way! In June of 1993 he adopted them as his own children.  If you ask him he will tell you, "They have always been 'my sons'" never his step-sons or adopted sons.  Unless people ask (or do the math) they assume they are truly related, which was always my hope. When I gave birth to our biological son, he was never a "step-brother" to the others, they have always been our three sons.

My husband has been a stable force in the lives of other young men who have come to and through our home over the years.  Guys whose own fathers were less than stellar or just absent found wisdom, love, help, encouragement, and human kindness in him.  He was not perfect, but has endeavored to be a godly example to these young men.

On Father's Day, my wonderful husband was honored by all of his sons. One of his sons said he "gets the Father of a Lifetime award" for giving him and his brother a better future than the one they would have otherwise had, and one of those guys that passed through our family expressed his love and thanked my husband for all he has been in his life.

Several other godly men come to mind who are making a lasting positive impact on the world. Men who lead their families in taking on the challenge of all that goes along with being being foster parents, adopting children of a different race, adopting children from a different country; men who are taking the Word of God seriously as they lead their wives and children in the way of godliness.

When I was younger I didn't understand, but as I have grown wiser I realize that more than how much money he makes or his status in society, what a man does with his life and how he uses it for the glory of God; this is the true measure of a man.

Broken People, Sovereign God

I deal with so many broken people...

Women whose marriages are demolished because their husband's have run away, some who were abused by adults who were supposed to love and protect them, others who suffer the consequences of their foolishness from years ago.

It would be easy to become overwhelmed and even depressed at the sorrowful things we face in our counseling office each week. But then we are challenged to remember; there is no one like God.  This is a very provoking thought in the midst of such sorrow and human suffering.

Have you noticed that when you suffer your thoughts go to God immediately? Often we wonder in our heart why God is “making” us suffer, we wonder why God “did this to us”, and then we wonder why God won’t put a halt to it or change our circumstances.

We do not like to believe that God could actually be orchestrating our suffering.  This is another challenge to our theology!

As you reflect on these times, do you realize that you see Him clearly as you suffer? Perhaps clearer than at any other time? As we suffer we see His hand moving in our hearts. Not always changing the circumstances, but changing our hearts for the better.

No idol we set up or prop up can do that. No other object of worship can change the heart of man for the better, or conform him to the image and likeness of Christ. In the midst of great pain and suffering we see God doing miraculous things within us. He is changing our attitudes, intentions, beliefs and desires. As we internalize Scripture, take it to heart and apply it to our lives the heart begins to desire what God desires. It becomes more important that we bring Him glory than we have our way.

Surely we do not need any more proof than these resulting spiritual changes to understand that a part of the purpose in suffering is to show us there is no one like God.

God is sovereign, and the sovereignty of God is huge. I find it is the place we struggle with our Christianity. We often say at our counseling center that if people understood the sovereignty of God, we would have no need for a counseling center! That is how crucial understanding God’s sovereignty is and how much it affects life!

Jerry Bridges book Trusting God is an excellent book for understanding the sovereignty of God. If you struggle with issues of God’s sovereignty, I strongly urge you to get this book and read it thoroughly.

Can you understand that in God’s sovereign purposes, what you are suffering with or under is under His authority? Your heavenly Father is managing it; He is in charge of it! He has a purpose and a plan for it! No matter what “it” is! This is so challenging for us to comprehend…

We see this demonstrated in the life of Christ. Jesus Himself affirmed God’s sovereignty in calamity when Pilate said to him, “Do You not know that I have power to crucify You, and power to release You?” Jesus answered, You could have no power at all against Me unless it had been given you from above.” John 19:10-11

Jesus understood that God had set this chain of events in place, and nothing would change them unless God Himself intervened from above. When we view God’s actions in the life of His own Son, Jesus Christ we have no choice but to affirm that God was completely in control of all the events of the crucifixion. 

Next time you are struggling and want to believe that everything is spinning wildly out of control, and maybe you are even are tempted to believe that God has no control over your circumstances you must tell yourself this truth: 

“If anything or anyone can act outside of His sovereign rule, then He cannot be God.” (Jerry Bridges, Trusting God)

This means that God is sovereign over all the heinous actions of people in this world, all diseases, wars, and crazy dictators, and government officials, financial issues of the world, the country, and my own family. God is sovereign over the tragedy in your life.

Because God is sovereign He is completely aware and in control of the composition of our suffering.He uses the suffering, He works in it. He ministers through it to us and those in our lives. He controls the duration of the suffering and is always completely 100% in control of the suffering.

You may not believe this is true, or do not want to believe it. This is an error in thinking on your part. It reveals and area of your theology that must be changed. Even in the moments of despair you MUST cling to Him and His sovereignty over people and decisions. He is all you have and He is all you need.

You must accept that God is the sovereign God of the entire universe and He does what He wants with what belongs to Him- and “the entire universe” belongs to Him.

If He is not always in control, then He is not God. This does not make God some cruel despotic dictator; it makes Him the loving Sovereign God who orchestrates the events of life in all quarters of earth and humanity to bring Himself glory.

The suffering we endure is not as much about us as it is about Him and the glory He reveals through us as we suffer. The glory that is revealed is through it all, in spite of it all He “keeps” us. He gives us our ability to believe, gives us the faith to believe, gives us Someone to believe in! He gives us the Holy Spirit who teaches us and seals us gives us the wisdom to know how to act and react.

As we suffer we gain confidence and trust in that sovereignty. Can you look back and see His limiting hand in your circumstances? Can you see how when you really thought you were done in completely that God showed you that you were not? He took you that extra inch, extra foot, and maybe that extra mile to show you that in spite of what you thought, He is sovereign and He is in control and He brought you through it.

Are You Broke?

...also we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to His purpose who works all things after the counsel of His will, Ephesians 1:11(NSAB)

As people who God has placed in Christ we have an inheritance coming. Part of our inheritance is that we are “in Christ” to begin with, that God has graciously placed us there in eternity past.

The greater part of our inheritance is in the future when we leave this earth through death (or rapture) and enter into His presence. We often struggle with really grasping these things because we are so temporally oriented. We do tend to live in today, and since we have never experienced anything like “eternal life” before we struggle to put it into a context we can understand. Our ability is limited to the best earthly things we can think of. We have never experienced sinless, so how can we relate to that? One day we will experience that though, it is a part of our inheritance!

We will also inherit

• Eternal salvation “so that being justified by His grace we would be made heirs according to thehope of eternal life.” Titus 3:7
• Eternal glory – “through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God.” Romans 5:2
• The universe- “in these last days has spoken to us in His Son, whom He appointed heir of all things, through whom also He made the world.” Hebrews 1:2
• The eternal presence of God Himself- “And I heard a loud voice from the throne, saying, “Behold, the tabernacle of God is among men, and He will dwell among them, and they shall be His people, and God Himself will be among them…” Revelation 21:3

Our limited understanding does not allow us to fully understand what any of these things are going to be like, to even try makes my head hurt! Faith is required to accept that these things are ours and are certain.

I cannot emphasize enough that the reason we are given these things is by grace alone! You and I did nothing to earn or merit this special favor from God; it was by His own goodness and mercy that we have been placed in Christ. According to Eph 1:13 you received it after hearing the “the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation…”

And “having also believed…”

Hearing the gospel and believing it are both required to obtain salvation. Many people have heard the gospel through evangelistic messages but not all have believed. According to Ephesians 1, all those who God has chosen will believe! This is a great comfort to me when I think of loved ones who as of yet have not been saved. I can rest in God’s plan for their lives knowing that it is not up to me that they be saved. I do not have to cajole, manipulate, beg or plead with them; I only have to clearly and correctly deliver the message of truth. I then pray for their heart to be open and soft to receive the Word.

Once we believe, the Bible says we are “sealed in Him with the Holy Spirit of promise, who is given as a pledge of our inheritance, with a view to the redemption of God’s own possession, to the praise of His glory.”

I love this! The Holy Spirit of God living in us is the guarantee that we belong to God! The Holy Spirit indwells us from the moment we believe, and He makes God’s Word understandable to us, He causes us to desire God, desire to pray, and desire to know God more.

The Holy Spirit is also a deposit by God – literally earnest money – that He intends to take us home to be with Him one fine day. If you have ever purchased a home you are familiar with the term “earnest money.” When you find the home you want to purchase you give something that proves you intend to come back to claim it. The Holy Spirit residing within us is God’s earnest money for our redemption. He intends to come for us and proves that by leaving a part of Himself with us! It is His mark on us, and it says, “You belong to Me and to no other. I claim you, and no one can take you away from Me.” Jesus said this much better:

“…I give eternal life to them, and they will never perish; and no one will snatch them out of My hand. “My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all; and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand. John 10:28-29

Simply glorious!

Is It Too Late for Us?

"Is it too late to save my marriage?" I have been asked this question over and over in the counseling office.  I hesitate to say that "too late" applies to a marriage that involves a Christian, and especially two Christians because that implies that God is not able to change them. When God is involved, nothing is impossible! Please remember that; even as you struggle day to day in a difficult marriage. On the other hand, I have also seen marriages between believers dissolve.

When troubles persist even in a "Christian" marriage, damage continues to mount and love grows cold.  The actions of love cease to exist as withholding of affection, attention, and serving each other become commonplace. Bitterness and resentment grow between the couple and distance becomes preferable. This is where things usually are by the time they come for biblical counseling.

I want to encourage you by reminding you nothing is impossible when God is involved! Even if your husband has left you, moved out, or moved on. When people are willing to do what God asks of them in spite of how they feel great things happen!

That being said, some women reach that certain point emotionally where they just give up and refuse to believe anything will ever change. I call it "rounding the corner" and when this happens it is very rare for her to come back to the marriage. Her heart hardens, she refuses to cooperate anymore in counseling, or to give her husband another opportunity to change and get it right.

Sometimes it is because he has promised for months or years to change and nothing lasting has happened, sometimes she finds someone else, and other times she is just without hope anymore. All of these are sad, and even sinful responses a person can have to someone else's sin. That may sound harsh to you, but I speak from the perspective that God is able to do more than we ask or imagine according to His will. It is not the will of God that two people who make a covenant before Him to be husband and wife until death parts them decide for themselves they don't want to be married anymore.

If you want to safe your marriage Christian woman, begin by becoming husband oriented. Eph. 5:22-24 gives us some instructions about our role in the marriage with respect to submission. How many women have mastered the not complaining or arguing aspect of submitting to authority but still are unsubmissive in their hearts? Many I fear!

Women who are not husband oriented are as much a problem as husbands who are not wife oriented! Women have become so supremely selfish! I hear about "my career", "my private time", "my time for the spa (or shopping or fill in the blank). Too bad husband, fend for yourself! The couple leads separate lives.

If this describes you totally or even remotely then it is time to make a new commitment to become a "new person" - 1 + 1 = 1. If you have lived for years or even months independently as a couple, it is going to take some work from both of you to change this. You will need to commit to change, change of the heart.

Consequences of Sexual Sin on a Marriage

When a woman is involved in sexual immorality it affects something in her thinking. God tells us in His Word that all our sin has consequences. While nothing will change the believer’s position in Christ before God, all sin carries the inescapable weight of consequences. Consequences are intended to be painful and we are to learn from them.

I have seen many women in my counseling ministry who were sexually immoral before their marriage. It does not matter that the man they were immoral with is now their husband; they are angry. In some cases, the fact that their partner in sin is now their husband makes matters worse than if it was a man they did not marry.

Many of these women have sexual difficulties in their marriages and the anger is aimed at themselves and at their husband.  It is not unusual for them to tell me they are angry at him for “talking me into it” and “not taking “No” for an answer” and for manipulating them with phrases like, “If you really loved me you would…” They are angry with themselves for agreeing to it.

Whether we realize it or not, women desire to be protected from harm by the men they love.  She wants to trust him and know the man she loves has her best interests at heart. She wants him to be strong and the leader in the relationship, and this means having enough self-control to put on the brakes when sexual desires run too hot outside of marriage.

If she consents to pre-marital sex it is a revelation of the contents of her own heart.

It reveals that she is more interested in pleasing herself or her boyfriend than she is in glorifying God. It also reveals she lives her life by her feelings rather than by obedience to Scripture.

The consequences are immediate and bring sorrow both immediate and in the future.

In her heart she comes to believe that in spite of his proclamations his love for God and desire to obey Him run fairly shallow.  She also concludes that despite his loving words he really cannot love and respect her as he proclaims; particularly if she has been pressured into a sexual relationship. 

After marriage, she may become resentful of her husband’s physical needs and of God’s commands not to deprive one another (1 Cor. 7). Women have told me they Think it is unfair that they have to submit and obey this Scripture.  I have had wives tell me their husband’s desire makes them piggish or insensitive, and very selfish.

To avoid sexual intimacy, they learn to manipulate circumstances to avoid sex.  She may start an argument at bed time, or fall asleep on the couch. Some women use the children as their buffer, sleeping in bed with them instead of with their husband.

She believes all her husband wants is sex. She believes she is being abused and used, and only wants to be left alone to live with her husband in a largely platonic relationship.

Her emotions largely run her life and because she has stopped thinking biblically she is miserable. Her focus is on herself and what she wants is more important to her than Scripture, God, or her husband’s wants and desires.

Her heart is full of guilt at her past, even if it is beneath her level of awareness. She knows her past actions (pre-marital sex) were sinful and she knows her present ones are also sinful but her wrong thinking leads her to continue to shut out anyone who would help her. She has guilt about depriving her husband, but her own wants are stronger

She is very fearful. She is fearful that her husband will force her to have sex by manipulations of his own, or that he will turn to pornography to deal with his sexual urges. She is afraid of the long term consequences of her actions on her marriage, but more afraid of being mastered by her husband. She is tormented by what she has allowed to happen and fearful that someone will find out; particularly if she had a strict Christian upbringing.  She is also sometimes afraid her sin will not be forgiven

All of this leads to isolation, an incredible sense of being alone. This feeds the anger and feelings of being disrespected by her husband who, from her perspective does not care about her feelings, but only cares about his needs.

All of this misery can be avoided by sexual purity before marriage.  Whatever stolen pleasures are enjoyed before the marriage often reaps a harvest of misery and sorrow after.

Contrary to our popular culture, sex does matter and God’s Word does contain much wisdom about this wonderful gift we have been given to enjoy within marriage. 

If you “found yourself” in today’s posting, the best counsel I can give you is to have a meeting with the Lord.  Confess your sin to Him and ask His help with the resulting consequences in your life. Then talk to your husband.  Speak biblically rather than emotionally, confess your sin and ask his forgiveness.  You may need the help of a good Biblical Counselor to untangle the knots.  

Self-Help Groups and the Christian

Many Christians belong to "self-help" groups such as AA, CA, OA and their Christianized counterparts, Overcomers Anonymous, Celebrate Recovery, Reformers Anonymous and so on.

Before I continue with this posting, I want you to know that I do not think a person's salvation is open to debate as a result of attending these groups. I do not think that those who attend are "unspiritual" or sinning in any way. I used to attend some of these groups, and I was trained as a Celebrate Recovery facilitator. My husband was a devoted member of AA and CA for decades.

For the unbeliever, they are the best route to ceasing these behaviors. They provide both Believer and Unbeliever with fellowship, and like-mindedness. I think that each of these groups has pluses and minuses, and while they may be helpful in addressing the issues of the flesh they are sorely lacking in the vital areas of "recovery."

I realize that my position may offend you, and that is not my intention. However, I won't shy away from the reality that for the Christian there are other options! Over the next few posts I intend to pose the usual arguments for attending and "needing" such groups and provide you with biblical answers to those questions and statements that are often made when this topic comes up.

As a Biblical Counselor/Discipler I have been confronted with pretty much every "addiction" known to man and I never sent a person to a self-help group, not even once.

So, let's get started with the reason people attend a self-help group.

"I have an addiction" -

• My first question to a person who tells me they have an addiction is to ask them what does that mean? What does the term "addict" mean in their understanding?
• I want to know how they know they are an addict. Who told them they are an addict? Did they read it in a book? Did they take a quiz? Did they discuss it with their doctor?
• What testing was done that scientifically proves they are an addict?
• I want to know about their use of whatever they believe they are addicted to. I ask about use- how much and how often. What happens if they stop using that substance (no matter what it is). Do they have physical withdrawal?
• What lengths are they willing to go through to get what ever they crave? Are they willing to steal, lie, kill to get it?
• What problems have they come into as a result of using or partaking in their drug of choice? Financial, legal, relationship, job?

What is the reason I want to know the answers to these questions? Because I need to understand the frame of reference of the person sitting in front of me. More than them hearing what I think at the outset of our time together, I need to hear what the suffering saint has to say. Before I can earn the right to speak into their situation I have to listen carefully and with open eyes, ears and heart.

I want to know what the counselee understands "addiction" to actually mean. Perhaps they are only guessing they are an addict because of their desire for something. It could also be that someone told them they have a problem and they termed it "addiction" without any basis in truth. A good soul-physician will take the time to understand the perspective of the person sitting with them without pre-judging or coming to conclusions without all or any of the facts.

He who gives an answer before he hears, It is folly and shame to him. Proverbs 18:13 (NASB)

Wickedness of Speech- The Power of the Tongue

And the tongue is a flame of fire. It is full of wickedness that can ruin your whole life. It can turn the entire course of your life into a blazing flame of destruction, for it is set on fire by hell itself. James 3:6 (NLT)

We can use the small member called the tongue to either bring life or death. Too often, we bring death. We bring heartache and strife and misery to others and to ourselves.  Scripture tells us not to speak things that are unwholesome, or grieve the Spirit of God by how we speak. Our speech reveals bitterness and wrath and anger and malice that are stored up in our hearts.

There is a very good reason James 3:5-8 says that the tongue is a powerful force, that it is said to be a fire, and the very world of iniquity; the Bible says the tongue defiles the entire body, and can torpedo what we have planned in life, and is set on fire by hell.

Have you ever caught your reflection in the mirror or heard yourself as you were screaming in anger? Have you ever said words you wish the moment they flew out of your mouth, you wished you could take back? Words that cut and wounded people you love? Words that were harsh, condemning, sarcastic, not honorable to God?

James further says that no one can tame the tongue- what a statement! Is it because it is a restless evil and full of deadly poison? Is it because it reveals the contents of the heart?

Well one thing is for sure, “the tongue has the power of life and death.” (Prov 18:21) and is a violent and wicked instrument for something so small. I love how the Bible describes the tongue and its effects. It is so accurate!

Destructive words we use are usually an instrument of judgment. We use our words to assault each other’s character, slander one another, curse at one another, lie to one another, and accuse each other. Think about how much time you have spent judging other’s clothes, styles, decisions about educating their children, working or staying at home.

Romans 14:10 asks you an important question: But you, why do you judge your brother? Or you again, why do you regard your brother with contempt?

The reason is because ripping other people down makes us feel good in our flesh.

In addition to judging, James 4:12 tells us not to slander one another, and (see also Rom. 2:1-3; 14:4.) we spend plenty of time doing that too...

We say we don’t even think about what we are doing; that the words just come out of our mouths. Why? Jesus said it’s because the thoughts are already in our hearts.

“For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, slanders..” Matthew 15:19

And the more we speak against others, the more likely such speech is to become a habit.

In 2 Timothy 2:16, Paul warns us to “avoid worldly and empty chatter, for it will lead to further ungodliness.”

When critical attitudes and cutting words become a habit, we will find that we have become people who literally breathe judgment upon others. 

Reigning in the tongue is a lifelong battle. It begins when you understand the words you say reveal what lives in your heart. Before your words will change, your heart must be affected, your conscience must be affected, and you must repent.  

More on this topic soon!