Ministering Biblical Counseling

 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8-9 (NIV)  

Me and several others from our staff will be speaking the rest of this week at the International Association of Biblical Counselors annual conference in Denver, CO.  Conferences like this tend to draw both positive and negative comments. Critics of biblical counseling say that we discount feelings and emotions, that we are all about blasting people with the Bible and are sometimes harsh and lack love and are even condemning of them.

I do not believe that a person who looks to the example of Christ as our Wonderful Counselor and follows His example could be accused of this. Christ was loving, truthful, honest, confrontational, discerning, wise, and a host of other things. 

He did not excuse sin, He called people to repentance, and He expected change in the hearts and lives of those who heard the truth. He understood the emotional component of a person, and how emotions can sway their actions. He challenged them not to live by their feelings, but to live in obedience to His commands, and He gave the Christian the Person of the Holy Spirit to enable them to do that.

Jesus ministered to the whole person. He healed their physical ailments and often used their physical ailments to point to their spiritual sickness or their spiritual needs.   He ministered to the material man and the immaterial man.

The Bible makes a distinction between the “outer man” and the “inner man,” material and immaterial.

The material man is all that you can touch- flesh, bones, and organs. The outer man is that part of man that is subject to decay. (2 Cor. 4:16). Disease process occurs in the outer man and when a person has a disease it is said they have an organic problem. Organic or biological problems are the domain of the physician who provides medical care.

The immaterial man is everything that you cannot see or touch - It includes your mind, will, emotions, spirit, soul, thoughts, beliefs, desires, feelings, and conscience. The inner man refers to the immaterial or spiritual man that is either dead (Eph. 2:1-3) or alive (Eph. 2:4-10). This is the domain of the biblical counselor who provides soul-care.

Many of the cases I deal with in our counseling center have both a medical and spiritual component. There are times I must work with a physician because some diseases have as a side effect emotional problems and there are times I have to work in cooperation with a counselee’s psychiatrist as the counselee desires to be weaned off psych meds.  I will work with nutritionists when a counselee has an eating disorder as well.

I suppose there are some hard-line counselors who are inflexible in their thinking still out there. I am not one of them; so while I do not favor medication as a general rule, I understand that there are times it is unavoidable. I leave that decision to the doctor and patient relationship.

I am not there to discount or deny their medical or psychiatric diagnosis, but I will most certainly help a counselee to see their diagnosis through biblical terminology, and help them understand it from a biblical perspective. The Bible says that whatever is spiritual proceeds from the heart and the heart is the battleground for the mind, will, and emotions.

Biblical counselors believe emotional and behavior problems have either an organic (biological) cause or a spiritual cause.  We view man’s emotions, perceptions, cognitive abilities, and behavior as having their origin in biological functions.  We also believe that the connection between the biological interacts with the living soul or spirit given to each of us by God.

A person’s spiritual condition will determine what he does with his thoughts, emotions, perceptions and behaviors. We cannot separate the physical actions and attitudes from the spiritual aspects of a person. This is the realm of the Biblical Counselor, and what each of us will present on throughout the conference.

We would appreciate your prayers as we go this week for health, safety, and divine enablement to speak truth to softened hearts.

Weary and Sleepless

Why is it that the middle of the night thoughts are always the worst? It seems to me that the cares and concerns of life gang up and all decide to visit when one cannot sleep. These are the fretful hours, the ones where minutes tick by like hours as you toss and turn on your bed.

“Do not fret—it only causes harm” (Psalm 37:8)

Oswald Chambers says, “Fretting means getting ourselves “out of joint” mentally or spiritually.” I find that to be an accurate description of what happens to me in those darkest hours of the night. It is all unintentional, of course! I wake and look at the clock and attempt to return to sleep but my mind quickly becomes busy. It is almost as though my mind is “selling me out” as it does not want to quiet itself so I can return to sleep. I find I am swiftly mentally out of joint.

Such is it with one who tends to worry and I can understand why the psalmist says it only causes harm! How many great solutions have been conceived in the darkest hours before dawn? How many problems have been solved, plans hatched, and difficulties resolved? I can only use my own life as an example, but I daresay, very few good things have come from these midnight mental wanderings.

These are the hours David wrote of in the Psalms when he spoke of being weary of sighing and crying and weeping (Psalm 6:6). However, a careful search of the Scriptures will also reveal other activities of these night hours. Walk with me through some of these verses as we see what God intends for these times when sleep takes a holiday.

…his delight is in the law of the LORD, And in His law he meditates day and night. Psalm 1:2

The LORD will command His lovingkindness in the daytime; And His song will be with me in the night, A prayer to the God of my life. Psalm 42:8

Both of these verses remind us of the value and necessity in knowing the Word of God. The Word hidden in the heart brings comfort and peace to the soul of the sleepless. To be able to meditate on the riches of His Words in private, in secret, without phones jangling and people interrupting…is a rich blessing indeed.

Oh, but we need sleeeep! We wonder how we will function when the sun peeks over the horizon and the demands of the day loom large! Yes, I agree this is a challenge but not one that God is ignorant of. Look at what the psalmist says here:

O God, You are my God; I shall seek You earnestly; My soul thirsts for You, my flesh yearns for You, In a dry and weary land where there is no water…

Is your life a dry and weary land where there is no water? Mine sure can be! Too many problems, and too much discouragement are a part of living here in our temporary home on earth. And isn’t it something that these are the things we choose to meditate on in the night? Isn’t it bad enough they are a part of the daylight hours? Must they be our night time companions as well? Our loving Father offers us another choice.

Thus I have seen You in the sanctuary, To see Your power and Your glory. Because Your lovingkindness is better than life, My lips will praise You. So I will bless You as long as I live; I will lift up my hands in Your name. My soul is satisfied as with marrow and fatness, And my mouth offers praises with joyful lips.

When I remember You on my bed, I meditate on You in the night watches, For You have been my help, And in the shadow of Your wings I sing for joy. My soul clings to You; Your right hand upholds me. Psalm 63:1-8


Do many (or any) of your thoughts amble in this direction when you are sleepless? What if this is how you chose to spend these midnight hours- earnestly seeking God rather than recounting your problems and sorrows. I say that these hours would quickly become a blessing and something to desire rather than the curse we often consider them to be.

Our focus is simply in the wrong place! These quiet hours when no one is around to distract us or deter us are a gift from God that we might use them to know Him and to glorify Him! We are to use them to recount our blessings rather than meditate on our trials. Determine to spend this time praising God for all He is doing in your life right now. Look at your life from His perspective! Make note of the things God begins to show you in these silent periods. Write them down and revisit them. These times are intentional dear friends; our loving God is not in error when sleep departs.

When Alll Else Fails

When a family member professes to be a Christian and refuses to repent of known sin, other believing family members must continue to urge them to stop. Our goal in the conflict remains repentance for the sinner, reconciliation with God and man, and restoration to the fellowship of the church and the family. 


This is why we must all take part in the discipline and restoration process described in Matthew 18: 15-17: 


“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector." 


Sometimes our loved ones refuse to cooperate putting us in a very difficult position as family members. We are family, and we are family of God and I believe that family of God has to take preeminence over earthly family. We must continue to press on out of love for the person and reverence for Christ.


We have been using the fictional case of Pat and Dan to illustrate our case. Pat a believing woman has hooked up with Dan who is an unbeliever. Despite all the warnings, pleadings, and revelations from Scripture Pat has decided that she doesn't believe the Bible means what it says in this case. She maintains she is a Believer, but thinks you take the Bible too literally. She believes her relationship with Dan is ok because she is happy and he is happy. They are now planning to get married. Pat has moved in with Dan to save money.


Initially, one person was encouraging Pat to repent and then a group of women were also involved in the process.  When it became clear that Pat was not going to repent but instead deepened her involvement with Dad the church leaders stepped in. 


In the final stage, Pat was warned by the leadership and the entire church as to the end result of her sin. Scripture was opened to her as to what it says about living in sexual immorality (1 Cor.6:13, 1Thess 4:3) and being yoked with an unbeliever (2 Cor. 6:14).  


When the leaders of the church are confident there is nothing more to be said and it appears her heart has been so hardened that words are having no real impact the church must take the last formal step that is presented in Matt 18 and 1 Corinthians 5: 


In the name of our Lord Jesus, when you are assembled, and I with you in spirit, with the power of our Lord Jesus, I have decided to deliver such a one to Satan for the destruction of his flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus. 1 Corinthians 5:4-5 (NASB)


At this point, Pat will be turned over to her sin. The church will sorrowfully but intentionally let her go. In essence the church will release her and allow her to go down the path of destruction she has chosen for herself, eyes wide open and heart laid bare. Not out of anger or revenge but because this is the pattern set our for us in the Scriptures. 


What this looks like is breaking off all social connection and keeping each encounter one of a continuing urge to repent. No casual conversations, no lunch dates, and no rescuing her if she calls in a jam or with a need.  As hard as it is to bear, she must experience the full weight of the sin life she has chosen. This is a very hard thing to do, and those involved will soon realize their your own faith and trust in God growing in the process. Any conversation with her is to be about repentance. 


The church must continue to pray for her; that God would grant her the gift of repentance and reconciliation. 


She may or may not repent, and she may indeed marry the unbeliever and reap a harvest of misery as a result. The ministry of prayer and consistently reminding her of the love of God and His willingness to reconcile her to Himself upon her repentance is the best ministry the church can now have in her life.

Staying the Course in Biblical Confrontation

We are continuing our look at the importance of church discipline in the one-to-one ministry of believers and in the larger context of the Church.  It is very important that we understand this aspect of our faith in light of its true, biblical meaning.  


We are using the story of a fictional woman named Pat who has developed a long distance relationship with an unbeliever named Dan.  Pat has a friend who  has been ignored or dismissed despite several loving confrontations.  In spite of pleadings and Scriptural admonishment Pat continues to involve herself with this man in deeper and deeper ways. 


In response to her refusal to listen,  a few other godly women have also confronted her in love and truth. Together, the group of women have taught, rebuked, corrected, and attempted to train her in righteousness (1 Tim. 3:16). Pat has refused to stop seeing the man and maintains that she is a Christian, that  she loves God, and that God wants her to be happy. She also maintains that she is not acting out of rebellion. she just doesn't see the Scriptures the same way others do. She agrees that the Bible is true, but  she does not hold the same interpretation of it.


Despite her rebuttals and refusals to listen, the women persist in their attempts to get her to understand that what she is doing is sinful until a point is reached where there is confidence no further good can be done. Everything that can be said has been said. Pat has begun to avoid everyone because she simply does not want to hear it anymore. Relationships are strained and several fear there is damage that is beyond repair.


Yet, it is clear that her ongoing sin is revealing dangerous attitudes of her heart that cannot be ignored! As a group, you inform her that if she does not repent and break off the relationship the leadership of the church will be told.  


This is so important! Unfortunately it is also the place where this process often breaks down, yet one of the most loving thing we can do as Christians is to hold one another accountable in Christ.  


So often out of fear of man family members stop exhorting, stop warning, stop urging loved ones to repent! They set aside the heavenly view (this person is in grave danger!) and take the short view operating out of the fear that they won't be liked or accepted anymore. 


The truth is you may be disliked by others, you might get opposition from unbelievers who approve of the sin being committed. Keep in mind the truth of Romans 1:28-32. They are darkened in their understanding. Continue to urge repentance until you are confident it will do no good. Enlist the help of other believing family members if you can and prayer from those you trust. It really gets rough from here.


If in the course of time after being confronted and admonished by the leadership of the church a person still refuses to repent they will be put out of the church and considered an unbeliever. Not as punishment, but in hopes they will repent and return to God. Turning them over (1 Cor. 5:5) is frightening and painful. 


But sometimes loved ones refuse to cooperate putting their relationship to the church and to us in danger.  We have to love them enough to see it through. We are family, and we are family of God and I believe that family of God has to take preeminence over earthly family. No less than 13 times in the New Testament are we told to love one another as brothers and sisters in Christ, which is our enduring relationship. We must continue to press on out of love for the person and reverence for Christ.


Our goal in the conflict remains repentance for the sinner, reconciliation with God and man, and restoration to the fellowship of the church and the family. The purpose of all discipline is restoration and reconciliation.

Intended to Convict

What do we do as The Church and what do we do as individuals when a loved one who professed to be a Christian refuses to repent of their sin? 


Last time we examined Matt. 18:15-18 and Galatians 6:1 which are our responsibility to each other in the Church.


Our example for this series is "Pat", a professing Christian who grew up in a Christian home. Pat has struggled in living her professed faith most of her life. She has now gone away to school and lives out of the area. Over the internet Pat reconnected with an old friend "Dan" and they renewed their friendship via a social networking site. Things quickly progressed between them and now Pat and Dan are dating long distance. They speak daily for hours over the phone and message each other all day long on their cell phones.


Dan is not a Christian and has somewhat of a checkered past, so when Pat shares her excitement with her Christian friend, there is little joy in the hearer of this news. Now Christian love has taken over and  Pat has been confronted about her developing a relationship with an unbeliever (Matt 18:15; Gal. 6:1). The concern and rebuke come form of 1 Cor. 6:14-15: 


Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness? Or what harmony has Christ with Belial, or what has a believer in common with an unbeliever? 2 Corinthians 6:14-15 (NASB)


When confronting another Christian about sinful behavior the motive must always be restoration and reconciliation in the relationship. Intentional sin ruins relationships, and to state the obvious, does not glorify God. This is the overriding motive for the confrontation of the sinning believer- the glory of God.


When you set out to confront a sinning Christian they must actually be committing what the Bible names as a sin. Long hair or short hair, skirts or pants, these things are denominational preferences, not sin.  Lying, stealing, immorality, adultery, idolatry etc. all are sin and must be dealt with biblically.


In Pat's case, she has been confronted repeatedly, firmly, and lovingly by her friend about this unbiblical relationship. The Word of God has been used to reveal the issues of the heart (rebellion, idolatry) in that Pat steadfastly refuses to end her relationship with her unbelieving boyfriend Dan. Her friend has reached the point where she believes that she can do no more on her own. It is time to enlist the help of others.


It is time to take that second step and involve one or two others who believe in the sufficiency of Scripture to solve the problems of life. They should be mature believers who are more concerned about righteousness and honoring God in their obedience to Him than they are the opinions of other people.


It is important that those chosen to add to the confrontation meet this criteria for they may be met with opposition by in this case, Pat and those she enlists to defend her actions. When such confrontations take place within families it is especially heartbreaking as family members line up on opposite sides of the issue and sadly, personal loyalties become more important than biblical righteousness!


The person who is confronted must always know that the actions being taken are loving and there must be an overwhelming attitude of grace and mercy displayed. This does not mean that you acquiesce but that there is no harshness or judgmental attitude coming from you as you confront them. This is difficult the more times you have to go to the person because our flesh becomes impatient.


The group of two or three is to give the same message as the original person did. Asking questions aimed at the heart is much more effective than making statements at them. Asking questions aimed at their thoughts, beliefs, and desires will help them to engage their mind in the process rather than continuing to live in their feelings and emotions.


Remember that repentance is a gift from God. You cannot nag, scold, cajole, beg, plead, threaten or wheedle a person into repenting.  That does not lessen our obligation to urge repentance and change in the sinning Christian though! We are not responsible for their response, but we are responsible to deliver the message.

Why Church Discipline is Necessary

This week we will take several days to look at the importance of what is known as church discipline. 
One of the most heartbreaking things in the life of any Christian is when a loved one refuses to repent of their sin. This is true in a nuclear family and in a church family. Exactly what are we to do when someone who professes to be a Christian and claims the name of Christ decides they want to live like the Devil? What do we do as The Church and what do we do as individuals?


The goal in all Christian relationships is the reconciliation and restoration of the sinning brother or sister to the fellowship of believers. In undertaking any disciplinary action the motive is not "punishment" but love.


Matthew 18 makes the process clear.


“If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. “But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed. "If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. “Truly I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall have been bound in heaven; and whatever you loose on earth shall have been loosed in heaven. Matthew 18:15-18 (NASB)


This passage is often misunderstood to mean we are to "kick people out of the church" because they are sinning. It is viewed as punitive and harsh and cruel among those who do not understand it and by some who have been placed under it. Those who apply this passage are seen as being judgmental and unloving. While I won't argue that point (because this passage has been misused in those very ways) the overall intention and application of the process speaks of nothing less than Christ-like love for a wandering sheep.


The application of Matthew 18 is an obligation of the Christian to the Christian, and an obligation of the Church to her members. Ironically, the first verse (15) is played out every single day over the phone, over coffee at Starbucks, in your small group Bible studies, and in other discipleship type relationships. It is the thing loving friends and family members do for one another when they see someone heading for trouble, or deeper waters.


It looks like Galations 6:1


Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:1-2 (NASB)


Think about how often you listen to a friend who starts telling you her struggle with something you know to be sinful. Perhaps she becomes overly angry when disciplining her kids, or she is bitter and resentful toward her parents or husband. It could be anything! One misunderstanding is that we are only to confront the big stuff like adultery but I tell you that if we did more of the early interventions, things might never get to the "tell it to the church" stage in some of these cases.


Our example for this series will be "Pat", who professes to be a Christian and grew up in a Christian home. Pat has struggled in living her professed faith most of her life. She has now gone away to school and lives out of the area. Over the internet Pat reconnected with an old friend "Dan" and they renewed their friendship via a social networking site. Things quickly progressed between them and now Pat and Dan are dating long distance. They speak daily for hours over the phone and message each other all day long on their cell phones.


Dan is not a Christian and has somewhat of a checkered past, so when Pat shares her excitement with a Christian friend, there is little joy in the hearer of this news. This is where Christian love must take over! If Pat is confronted early on while talking to her girlfriend on the phone about this nice man she knows; and their budding friendship and challenged biblically (Matt 18:15; Gal. 6:1) things may not get to the point of an unequally yoked relationship!


We are to love one another enough to confront and challenge one another biblically. This is most effective when you use the Word of God as your sword.


For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart. Hebrews 4:12 (NASB)


God's Word is more effective at convicting our hearts than personal opinion will ever be. A Christian simply cannot argue with the Word and win! My wonderful husband frequently says "The Word cuts us up" and he is correct!


Your approach should be that of teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness (2 Tim 3:16) to help that person to the point of repentance.


Not everyone responds to the corrective measures the first time so diligence is needed, repeated attempts are needed, perseverance is needed. How many times? As many as it takes. As often as is possible until the point when you are convinced that you are being heard and discounted. When you reach that point, it is time to take the next step in the process and bring another person in to help you.

Our Trials, Our Tests

"For God is not unjust so as to forget your work and the love which you have shown toward His name and having ministered and still ministering to the saints, and we desire that each one of you show the same diligence so as to realize the full assurance of hope until the end that you may not be sluggish but imitators of those who through faith and patience inherit the promises." Hebrews 6:10

I had occasion recently to talk with someone about the trials of their life. She was overwhelmed by the burdens she was carrying and was beginning to doubt God's salvation, God's love, and God's grace in Christ toward her. 

In the midst of such human suffering it is difficult to remember that our trials are given to us as tests to prove His love, to prove His power on our behalf. He is the God who parted the Red Sea and has raised the dead. Nothing is too difficult for Him.

Rather than leading us toward doubt, God brings trials and sufferings to show us that we are Christians! In times of trial and suffering He is maturing our faith. And since it is God who is allowing our trials and difficulties, we are to be diligent. We are to endure. We are to be patient for the result is the full assurance of hope.

Trials are the very crucible in which assurance is formed.

 “…we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed…”2 Corinthians 4:8-9

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38

Paul suffered much hardship and many trials after his conversion to Christ. He is the author of both of the above passages! God allowed Paul to be afflicted, perplexed, and persecuted and Paul says I'm convinced; I am absolutely convinced that none of these things can separate us from God!

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Just as it is written, for your sake we are being put to death all day long, we were considered as sheep to the slaughter, but in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us, I am convinced." Romans 8:35

God allows awful things to come into our lives, but He will not allow us to be overcome or worn down to the point where we walk away from our faith. There is no trial, or suffering that can take away a believer’s salvation. He keeps His people.

It was Paul’s experiences of tribulation, distress, persecution, famine, nakedness, peril, sword, and death that assured him of the security of his salvation.  None of his circumstances stole his assurance.  Paul tells us that he has been through it all and rather than being discouraged or having his confidence shaken he was convinced.

The Psalmist makes note of God’s faithfulness and our assurance of secure salvation in the midst of adversity. Look up these verses after you finish reading today’s post:

Psalm 40:11; Psalm 18:35-36; Psalm 54:4l; Isaiah 41:10; Psalm 119:116-117;  Psalm 32:7

Jude also reminds us that God will hold us fast, even during our times of trial and adversity and suffering:

Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to make you stand in the presence of His glory blameless with great joy Jude 1:24

I look forward with great anticipation to that day!

Essential to Service

I was thinking about things that are essential to the Biblical Counselor. Of course, a solid base of Bible knowledge is critical, a love for His Word and for His people is also important. Beyond those things, there are a few personal things that I believe are required.

As servants of the Lord, we are to try to exemplify Him in our thoughts, words, and actions. Looking at how Jesus and then Paul ministered and served while they walked this earth I must conclude that these attitudes are necessary if I am to be a useful conduit for truth and change.

I have concluded that I am most useful when I am humble. Pride gets in the way of ministering to others. Humility reminds me that I am only one thought away from committing the most heinous sin. It reminds me that I am completely capable of saying or doing anything that a counselee confesses to doing.

Humility allows me to think of others as better than myself. I as a person am less important than my service to others can be. This is what Jesus modeled in His life. He owned nothing yet owned everything. He created everything yet for the most part lived in subjection to His creation. He lived this life for the sole purpose of glorifying God. He was incredibly humble and gentle.

I am most useful when I am vulnerable. Being vulnerable is one aspect of being humble. It shows others that I am on the same journey of sanctification that they are. Opening myself up and revealing that I have sorrows and struggles, and sin areas is risky but rewarding.  It is risky because I know that others don't always understand vulnerability and look upon it as a weakness and character flaw. What I have seen is that being vulnerable helps people to relate to me as a person. It removes all possibility that I will be placed on anyone's pedestal and looked at as any more than a sinner saved by grace.

I am most useful when I am "real." Being real and true to who I am today and who I expect to be tomorrow. I most certainly have not "arrived" and like every other human being, I encounter joys and  trials and hardships every day.  I endeavor to be honest in dealing with them; not hiding behind a mask of "Christian" and not pretending that all is perfect in my world. I don't have a smile on my face all the time even though I have the joy of my salvation living within me. It is possible for both joy in Christ and sorrow over a human event to co-exist in life.

I am most useful when I am honest. Honestly includes all of the above and should characterize my life. Honesty shows that I am comfortable in my own skin and that it is more important to me to honor God than it is to look good to other people. Honesty reveals trust in God's perfect plan in my life. It also reminds me that I am in need of the provision of the cross every moment of every day.

Add these qualities to your life in increasing measure, and you will become a very useful servant to the Lord in the lives of other people.

Watch Your Mouth

What kinds of words do you use? How many times a day do you say things like: "Oh my God" or "Jesus Christ!" or simply say, "God..." When I was a child I was told that when we use God's Name we are in effect calling Him to our side as though we were calling someone in the next room.


There are other things we say like "gosh" and "darn" that I have been told are minced oaths. In other words, they are substitutes for swear words or "unwholesome talk."


Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear. Ephesians 4:29 (NASB)


But now you also, put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from your mouth. Colossians 3:8 (NASB)


Rather than rounding that bush again, I want to simply remind you (and me) that the words from our mouths reveal the spiritual condition of our hearts. So many of our words are careless and reveal that we are angry with God because He is not doing things our way. Other words are spoken with careless abandon, not even thinking of the implications our words can bring.


With our own mouths we condemn ourselves. We murmur and grumble and complain against God because at the root of it all we worship and idolize ourselves. "ME" is the most important person in our world. "ME" must be satisfied, "ME" must be worshiped. We have no regard for what God is doing through the circumstances we are presented with, all we see is that "ME" doesn't like it. So we utter things like "God!!" complete with disgusted tone of voice. We proclaim that God is not fair, does not love us and is not listening to our prayers and petitions. We determine that God simply does not care.


Oh faithless and wicked heart...


I have to come back over and over to the gospel- to the truth. I am a wretch, I am unworthy, and I cannot do anything to affect my position before God. I need Christ. Because I am found in Christ I am obligated by love to worship HIM and not myself. When that change begins - the worship exchange- in my heart where I dethrone myself and begin to view God Most High as Who He is, then my actions and words will begin to get in line with what I believe to be true.


You see, if you really don't believe that God is Most High, you won't speak of Him in worship. Your use of His Name will be flippant and casual. His Name will become a point of emphasis in your speech so people really know how exasperated you are.


If you do see God as Most High your heart will be crushed as you realize what you are revealing about what is going on inside you by your words.


The only response is to repent...repent of the sin that lurks within the heart and dethrone yourself. Restore the rightful King to the throne of your heart. That is how it all begins!

Should I Tell Him? Part 2

Yesterday I presented you with a fictional case study of a woman who had committed adultery years ago. She had several sexual affairs over a period of a couple of years and then ceased this activity. She never told her husband the truth and now it has been years since the infidelities took place. She states she has repented of her sin and confessed it to God. She believes she has been forgiven and sees no reason to tell her husband about it for this reason. 


I believe that it is vital that the woman confess her sin to her husband, even though it took place a few years ago. She broke the covenant she made to her husband before God. She has practiced deceit for a number of years in concealing the truth from her husband.


It is normal for her to desire to continue to hide her sin, because sin hates to be exposed! Our sinful and wicked hearts love to keep our sin under wraps because to have to admit or confess our wrongs is a huge blow to pride.


She is most likely going to be very afraid to tell him the truth. She must set her fear aside for the sake of righteousness. The one thing she does have going for her is her claim of faithfulness since then, but I would expect her husband to question everything she says for a while.


Sin always has a price, no one gets off scott-free with sin. Even though in Christ our sin has been paid and is not accounted to us any longer, we still have to deal with the consequences of our sins from the smallest "white lie" to the greatest abomination- it has ramifications.


Trust will be shattered for a while, maybe permanently! A husband who has been cheated on (especially more than once) and then lied to for a number of years would have little reason to trust his wife.


He may be very angry and not know where to go from here. I would hope and urge a husband in such a state to see his pastor immediately and get some objective counsel as to what to do. I would urge him to forgive and move forward.


Any time there is unfaithfulness, a wise counselor will realize that the act of adultery is the end of the line of sinful thoughts, beliefs, and desires. The adultery is a result, not a cause. When a man or woman commits adultery the sin trail began a ways back.


The heart of adultery is set on the worship of self. I think that this heart more than any other is supremely selfish because it does not consider the other person in the marriage. All that is thought of is how they can feel better, feel desired, feel wanted, feel good, feel sensual and so on. It is truly all about them.


A definite aspect of the counseling process would be to determine if the sin issues that led the wife to be unfaithful have been addressed biblically. All the heart issues must be dealt with in order to prevent any further infidelity and aid in reconciliation.


There will surely be a long road of counseling for a couple when one person has been unfaithful but it does not have to mean the end of the marriage, and it won't when both people are determined to glorify God.

Should I Tell Him the Truth?

I was recently contacted by someone looking for a little help with a sticky and potentially disastrous situation. I will give it to you in the form of a case study for your thoughts. As always, the case studies are a compilation of reality and fiction and do not represent one person living or dead. Any resemblance to an actual person or situation is purely coincidental.


The question on the table was, "Should I or should I not divulge my past adultery to my husband?" This woman had multiple affairs over a period of time a few years ago. She has since repented and says she has put it all behind her and she and her husband are ready to go on in ministry.


What would you tell her?


The desire on her part is to keep this terrible secret concealed from him.
Her thoughts are stated as, "I don't want to hurt him."
She believes she has put it in the past because she has confessed her sin to God and asked for His forgiveness.


Is she right or self-deceived?


A case like this demands much wisdom from a counselor because there is a whole lot at stake for this couple. The wife's desire to continue her secret is understandable, but is it biblical? I am sure she does not want to hurt her husband and telling him the truth of her infidelity will certainly hurt him! It is also true that confession of sin and receiving His forgiveness is a "must" and God has thrown her sin as far as the east is from the west.


However...


The issue at hand is one of great importance on a number of levels. 1) When she married, she made a covenant before God with her husband to be faithful to him for the rest of her life. She no longer belonged to herself, but she became one with her husband. Adultery broke that covenant. This is why the penalty for adultery is the permission to divorce the unfaithful spouse (Matt. 19:9)


I suspect this may be a great reason to want to keep it secret, yes? Things have improved in her marriage over the last few years and she does not want the troubles of her past infidelity to ruin her future. There is a certain risk her husband might be very angry at not only the adultery, but also at her ability to keep this a secret from him for several years! He will realize the trust he has placed in her has been violated, and years ago at that! He may wonder what else she has kept secret from him and this may cause a cascade of problems for the couple.


Once the question of trust comes into play, especially over a number of years, there is really no limit to what disastrous results could come from this confession. He may demand an accounting of numerous areas of her past life, question many things about her behavior and actions, and worst of all, he may be so wounded by this revelation that he will not move forward. He has no reason to believe her now, every word is going to be suspect! She became so accomplished at deception that she was able to commit adultery several times and live with the results within her heart and mind.


2) Sexual immorality does not only affect her, it affects him too. Sexual immorality is sinning against your own body, and that of your spouse because you are one flesh. Look at what Paul said regarding this:


Yet the body is not for immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord is for the body. Now God has not only raised the Lord, but will also raise us up through His power. Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take away the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? May it never be! Or do you not know that the one who joins himself to a prostitute is one body with her? For He says, “THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH.” But the one who joins himself to the Lord is one spirit with Him. Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body. 1 Corinthians 6:13-20 (NASB)


3) The idea of "going on in ministry" with this secret hanging over her head (their head actually) is a ticking time bomb. While it is true that her sin has been forgiven there is still consequence to be suffered for sin. In the world of "what if" suppose one of the men she was involved with comes forth with the information about her adultery when their ministry is underway? What shame would be brought upon the Gospel and their ministry! More than one ministry has been brought to its knees due to some past sexual indiscretion.


I believe that it is vital that the woman confess her sin to her husband, even though it took place a few years ago. She broke the covenant she made to her husband before God. She has practiced deceit for a number of years in concealing the truth from her husband.

It is normal for her to desire to continue to hide her sin, because sin hates to be exposed! Our sinful and wicked hearts love to keep our sin under wraps because to have to admit or confess our wrongs is a huge blow to pride.


continued tomorrow! 

Betrayal and Grieving

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18 (NLT)

Last night I finished my new book. It is written to and for those whose spouses have been involved in sexual sin and is intended to help the betrayed spouse navigate through a time that is heartbreaking and difficult. A large part of the process is dealing with the grief that comes with the knowledge of infidelity.

Many people are familiar with the Kubler-Ross approach to grief and suffering. It is described originally as a five-stage process that those facing death and dying go through and was later amended to include those experiencing any kind of major loss including loss of a job, a divorce, adultery, abandonment and so on.

Several years ago after my Mom passed away, I was contacted over a period of months by the Grief Counselor from the hospice organization we used and they assured me that everything I was feeling was normal and a part of "The Grieving Process."

I became very well acquainted with "The Grieving Process" in the first year and while the hard grief lessened in the second year I still grieved losses because I had moved and left everything I knew. I also was working outside the home in a non-ministry job for the first time in a decade. I grieved the loss of everything I was familiar and comfortable with. In fact, at that time I took a little quiz about stress and loss and my score was 510! The website suggested I contact a support group...

I did not find the Kubler-Ross stages to be particularly helpful through the process from the realization my Mom was dying to the end of the hard grief. None of those stages are biblical, and some of them are normal and simply human responses to tragic suffering.

I am also not sure a support group would be beneficial to going through grief for other reasons either. Yes, groups can be helpful when the focus is on the resources we have in Christ and not on replaying the tragedies in our lives over and over. I also think that support groups tend to foster the idea that no one else can understand my pain except those who are in my situation. Based on 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 that is not true.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (NASB)

The Hebrew Old Testament uses more than 20 words for grief and grieve and we find examples in the narratives of the Old Testament in the stories of Job, Hagar (Gen 21:17-20), Hannah (1 Samuel 1), David (2 Sam. 18:9-33) and in the New Testament in the response of Jesus to the death of Lazarus (John 11).

Those whose spouse has abandoned them for another person or whose husband (or wife) has developed a lust for sexual pleasure through pornography or some other form of sexual sin are also in the midst of grief and sorrow. Shock, numbness, and a host of other emotions are an ever-present part of your day. You experience moments where you just burst into tears, or wish you could.

When sexual sinner is unrepentant their woes multiply and they are frightened and bewildered as their home goes away due to a divorce or their entire lifestyle changes. In cases where a sex crime has been committed, someone else’s sinful actions affect where they can go or who they can see as a couple.  This brings a whole new set of life circumstances. The loss is profound and you are expected to deal with all of this along with the normal things of life.

All of these things bring forms of grief. I do believe that we need to be prepared to serve and minister to those who are experiencing grief for a variety of reasons.  To say that Christians should not grieve is a ridiculous statement, yet I have been told it is said to those looking for help after experiencing loss of some kind. That is cruel and amounts to telling them to "get over it." Christ has come to comfort those who mourn.

David was very familiar with the feelings of abandonment in times of grief. Take a prayerful look at Psalm 88 and read the words of his soul. In those 18 verses David grasps what it feels like to be left alone in misery and sorrow.

An unfortunate by-product of grief is abandonment. Many people, as well meaning as they are, have no idea how to address a person who is grieving. When a death takes place those mourning gather together at the funeral or memorial to comfort the ones who have suffered the immediate loss; and to some degree get comfort for themselves. But once the funeral is over the comfort of others usually disappears and you are left alone after a week or two. The cards stop coming, the meals cease, the phone calls end. You are expected to resume your job duties after a mere three days! (I personally find that barbaric.)

There is not even a three day allowance for the death of hopes and dreams in a marriage; there is no funeral when a marriage dies. Few people are insightful enough to understand that empty, hollow, terrifying feeling that comes when you wonder every minute of the day what your spouse is doing in your absence.

When a marriage blows apart especially due to sexual sin, for everyone else life goes on as it did before. Perhaps there is a spot to be filled at the card table, or a seat to be filled at the ball game. But for the one who has lost someone they love and shared life with, life will never be the same.

The people on the fringes of life have no idea how to relate to the mourner after the truth comes out. Many are callous and crude and tell the person how lucky they are to be rid of the scum.  They may even suggest throwing yourself a party when the ink on the divorce is dry.

Others, because they fear that bringing up the loss will cause you to be sad and sorrowful all over again, will say nothing.  They fear causing you to cry, or hurt so they in many cases say nothing about your loss with the exception of asking you how you are doing.

You may appear to be doing well, have your "game face" on, but inside you are deeply, mortally wounded and to some degree people know that. Whether you realize it or not, this is one reason some people appear to be uncomfortable around you. No one wants to say the wrong thing, so they may appear to be insensitive hurrying you on through the grief process by suggesting you begin to date again or that you can somehow “pay back” your spouse for his/her treachery.

It is easy to become angry and bitter toward those who don't understand what you are going through. Can I remind you that they truly don't understand? With all of your emotional upheaval it is easy to become more upset over things that would not bother you.

Be merciful towards them in their ignorance and be aware that those who approach you from a purely business or functional standpoint most likely are not intending to be cruel. Pray for them and for their understanding, taking you cues from Job who prayed for his friends who were all of cruel, heartless and insensitive.

David received good comfort from the Lord in his times of distress; God gave him Jonathan who loved him as a brother and encouraged him. He also had the Lord to run to, as do we. God is ever merciful and kind and loving and His arms are big enough to hold the largest hurts.

He always hears our cries and our sorrows. He will hear you now. 

When I pray, you answer me; you encourage me by giving me the strength I need. Psalm 138:3 (NLT)

Feelin' Guilty

Have you ever experienced a sense of guilt even though you know you have not violated Scripture? This is more common than you may think.

When a person feels guilty without cause we say they may be suffering from what Scripture calls a weak conscience. This is triggered by something other than the Word of God. Often a person with weak conscience is an immature believer, and is easily swayed by every wind of teaching both unbiblical and extra biblical. This believer is untrained in grace and law and feels guilty for all the wrong reasons.

She is subjected to self-imposed standards, or people-imposed standards.  Perhaps it is from having a very legalistic church background. If the particular church or denomination held to separatist views or was very intrusive into areas of life a sense of guilt develops and you are looking over your shoulder to see if you are being watched for the sake of rebuke. But it doesn’t even have to be that severe. Many churches set up these ideals for people that are not wrong and are even respectful- like men should always wear a tie to church, and women must always wear dresses with heels. We could also include opinions on the version of the Bible you read or the kind of music you listen to. 

Many of these picky areas among Christians are things Scripture is silent on. But the person who dares to step outside of the strict parameters set up by their church or group of people will experience guilt when they decide not to follow those rules any longer. One person said she felt like a traitor to her religious upbringing when she began to attend a Bible Church! I was afraid the first time I went to a different church, because the Catholic Church I grew up in said that I would go to hell if I ever set foot in a different kind of church!

The issue of weak conscience was a huge issue among Paul’s Gentile converts, who in their former way of life participated in pagan rituals and ate the meat from the temple sacrifices, and among the Jewish converts who were learning from Peter that all food is clean and can be eaten. The ceremonial law had been fulfilled in Christ and so the dietary restrictions were now a thing of the past for everyone.

Paul addressed the area of Christian liberty in Romans 14:1-5 and Romans 14:22-23 where he said,

“The faith which you have, have as your own conviction before God. Happy is he who does not condemn himself in what he approves. But he who doubts is condemned if he eats, because his eating is not from faith; and whatever is not from faith is sin.”

In Rome, people were going against something they thought was a command of Scripture. In Corinth the issue was eating the food from the temple. The person with a weak conscience does not act in faith (Rom. 14:23) and sins against what he thinks is God.

Warren Weirsbe says “If it’s doubtful, it’s dirty!” is a good policy to follow. No one would drink milk or water that possibly was contaminated; nor would we accept food that might possibly be poisoned. Yet many Christians carelessly engage in practices that even the world questions. They never face the fact that whatever is doubtful is not of faith, and therefore is sin.”

If you are struggling with this, I would encourage you to put your “guilt” on paper and then seek out the truth from God’s Word and see if it is sin you have committed. If it is, then the remedy is confession and repentance. Change your actions by renewing your mind, putting off the old sinful behavior and take the righteous life Christ has purchased for you with His blood.

If it is not able to be pinpointed as sin, then I would suggest you get some solid counsel from another believer who is well grounded in the Word. You may be tormenting yourself needlessly and you are not to live as a slave to fear.

"Cougar" Moms and their Daughters

I knew the title would get you today! On my Facebook feeder there was recently a link to an article about how it is not a good thing for daughters to be close friends with their moms.  I read the article and have linked it here for you, but I warn you, it is from Huffington so it is not Christian. 

Some of the points the author makes are valid.  There do seem to be a number of women trying to live their lives over through their young adult daughters these days.  Mom's who are more "friend" than parent at the point in the child's life when they need a mother more than a friend do not do their daughter's any good.  Young children need that structure and common sense counsel from a mom who is willing to tell them that "good girls don't" and to help them make other life decisions.  This is in contrast with the mom's mentioned in the linked article who are still choosing their 27 year old daughters clothes and makeup. 

The whole idea of the "Cougar Mom" is also very disconcerting to me.  Mother's and daughters should not be dating in the same age bracket (or the same man ..er..boy!) is my thought. I don't watch any of those television programs that are mentioned in that article, but if that is being promoted on those shows it would not surprise me one bit. 

I did have an extraordinary relationship with my Mom and would encourage other women to do so too. What I have posted below is from a eulogy I wrote for her when she went home to Jesus in 2009: 



My mom taught me how to be a wife and a mom, and I think that is her lasting legacy in my life. It was because of what I saw in her that I really only ever wanted to be a wife and mother rather then pursue college or a career. I watched how much she absolutely loved everything about both of those things and it made me want what she had. Mom loved to cook and bake and clean the house. She loved and excelled at the tasks many women frowned on. To her they were not drudgery, they were love. She fussed over the details of meals, making sure all the colors were on the plate. She loved to make the food look nice on the plate. When it was time to plan the Christmas or Easter meals, she would plan out every detail. She had a pile of cookbooks and would pour over them looking for ideas.


She loved gadgets and had just about every one there was. Not many people can boast they have an electric potato peeler! Sometimes she would buy something for the kitchen just because it was cute!


My mom was sacrificial. I remember her buying something for me that I only wanted and forgoing something for herself that she may have needed. Many people have commented on how we have cared for our parents during mom's illness, and this too is a testimony to things that were instilled in us.


My mom was one of my best friends. She and I just hung out together. We enjoyed many of the same things and until the past few years we spent many hours a week together. We made Christmas ornaments, cookies, painted things, shopped together and ate at our favorite Red Lobster whenever we could.


She is a part of me, in more ways than the usual mother-daughter relationship. I valued her opinion and perspective and I learned so much from her. Her influence in my life cannot be overstated nor can it be replaced.


My kids tell me all the time that I am the best mom ever...if that is the case, it is because I learned it from you, the best mom ever.


We did have a wonderful and close relationship with appropriate boundaries and freedom to be ourselves.  If I had a daughter, I would hope she could say these things about me one day. If you have a daughter, make it your life's work to pour into her the best of you and one day she will thank you.  


If you are a daughter who is not close to her mom, I urge you in the strongest way possible to do everything in your power to have a relationship with her.  I know there are often times that is not possible for a variety of reasons, but if it is at all possible to do so without bringing additional harm and pain into your life- do it. 

Poisoned by Bitterness

But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your heart, do not be arrogant and so lie against the truth. James 3:14

Have you ever been approached by someone who told you something about yourself that was not good?  I have had this experience and I take them what is said seriously in the moment, and afterward I take some time to examine my heart with respect to what was discussed.  I believe that is a spiritually healthy response when something someone says or does affects me this way.

If someone speaks to you about possibly being bitter I would urge you to do the same thing: examine your heart and honestly evaluate if you may be a bitter woman. 

Because people tend to hide their sins under a cloak of righteousness, they justify the way they feel about things and sometimes even use Scripture to attempt to validate their sin. I have had women tell me their anger and bitterness are justified and then begin to tick off a mental laundry list of someone else’s sin that has “Made me angry” or “Caused me to be bitter.” 

You must understand that no one can “make” you anything! Your responses are a choice you make as a result of what is going on in your heart. They are evidence against you of whom or what your heart is focused on and even worships!

For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, and slanders. Matthew 15:19

Women living with bitterness are struggling deeply with evil thoughts that originate in the heart. 

“The heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick; who can understand it?” Jeremiah 17:9

You can be sure that bitterness is a sin that binds.  Bitterness becomes a ruling force that will eat you alive from the inside out so it is critical you deal with this terrible sin as soon as you become aware of it. 

For I see that you are poisoned by bitterness and bound by iniquity.  Acts 8:23

To break up bitterness, you must be willing to look at what you have done to others. That is your biblical responsibility, to learn where your fault is in the matter. The Lord asks that you take 100% responsibility for your part of the problems and then put your full effort behind resolving your part of them. A bitter person does not like to admit that any of the responsibility belongs to them. It is preferable to be the “victim” in the relationship having been the only one wronged. 

Bitter women seem to have a pattern of living that places them at the center of problems. Ironically they always seem to be the one who is misunderstood, hurt, ignored, mistreated and so on. As much as everyone wants to be innocent and the victim, it is not possible to be innocent all of the time.  I have found that even if a person was innocent in the original situation they have ceased to respond biblically to it and sinned in their own heart. Bitterness must be addressed because it is blatantly ungodly to continue in such a pattern of living. 

If you find yourself in today’s post and want to change, you will need the Spirit of God actively working in your heart and convicting you of your sin to begin this process of correcting the heart of bitterness. Because your heart is more deceitful and desperately wicked as Jeremiah says you cannot know the depths of your own sinfulness.

You can be confident that God wants you to succeed and that He is for you in this process. King David -a sinful man- is also called a man after God’s own heart. Psalm 139:23-24 contains a wonderful prayer for someone seeking God’s help as they examine their heart.

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

Lead them to Reptentance

We spent a wonderful weekend away with some friends at their lake house.  My husband did some fishing with the guys and I relaxed and chatted with my friend during the hot, hot summer days. Friendship is a special gift from God and we are so thankful we were given such a blessing. 


We spent our time talking about all sorts of things. Because she is also interested in biblical counseling several of our talks were on counseling related issues. We talked about the Lord, friendship, and grace. 


You and I receive wonderful lavish grace through our union with Christ. It is grace that should cause us to run joyfully to the Lord and then to others with a desire to confess our logs/sins and bask in that mercy and forgiveness that is ours. We are to encourage others to do the same.


There are times when after we have done our own examination and confession (gotten the logs out of our own eye) that we are in a position to confront another about their specks. Genuine love for another person does require that we do so (Matt. 18:15)!


Some think that we have no business in confronting another Christian about their sin and they frequently misuse Scripture that tells us not to "judge" one another. Those people are quick to also point out that we are sinners too and have no business pointing out the sin of another person. However, I do not find anyplace in Scripture that my sinfulness removes my responsibility to help my fallen brother or sister in Christ to see their sinfulness and lead them to repentance.


Biblical confrontation is motivated by love. First, the love of Christ compels us to do so, and the love for each other also drives us toward taking such a risk.


Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:1-2 (NASB)


What is the "Law" of Christ?


And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ “The second is this, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” Mark 12:30-31 (NASB)


There is no law above the law of love for God and Man. Part of our loving others is confronting them about their sinful patterns that have developed in their lives. Few Christians set out to get caught up in sin, and the word "caught" in the Gal. 6 verse indicates that the person is surprised or unaware they were heading into dangerous territory. Like one of those fish that took the bait on my husband's pole thinking he was getting an afternoon snack and instead he got caught on the hook.


Sadly, when we see a Christian that has been lured into sin and taken the bait our usual response is to tell others how much of a sinner that person is. I have to say ladies, we are such terrible offenders here! Why is it that we are more comfortable telling others over coffee about Mary or Betty who has been drinking on the sly, but we are unwilling to help her? Why do we think we are so righteous, and why do we prefer to be so proud and condemn her rather than reach out to her?


Our response ought to be to surround her with love and assistance! Disciple her, care for her, love her with the compassionate love of Christ for the good of "Mary or Betty" and the glory of God!


Our purpose must never be to look holy, or righteous to others. We should really not "enjoy" such confrontation but rather look upon it as a sober obligation to a family member. If you are anxious and excited to confront a sinning Christian I suggest you check your motives!


While anytime someone confronts us about a sin there is discomfort and even hurt feelings, you have to realize that is really okay. Sin hates exposure and your flesh may desire to deflect the confrontation but resist those desires of the sinful heart.


The wise words of Paul who had occasion to write a scathing letter to the Corinthian church ring true in our modern age as well.


For though I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it; though I did regret it—for I see that that letter caused you sorrow, though only for a while— I now rejoice, not that you were made sorrowful, but that you were made sorrowful to the point of repentance; for you were made sorrowful according to the will of God, so that you might not suffer loss in anything through us. For the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation, but the sorrow of the world produces death. 2 Corinthians 7:8-10 (NASB)


Our goal in confrontation is to restore the fallen brother or sister in Christ.