Learning the Hard Way

Some people gotta learn the hardway I guess I'm the kinda guy That has to find out for myself... The Hardway,  by DC Talk From the CD Free At Last

...the way of the transgressor is hard. Proverbs 13:15 

It is always a joy to teach someone truth and to have the privilege of speaking into their lives on an ongoing basis. I have had the ability to teach God's truth for a very long time, over 20 years in fact! I have walked with people through many heartaches and trials, joys and fun times and I truly love the ministry the Lord has given me.

In some of the lives I have touched the response has been dramatic and heart change has taken place quickly and the people have thrown off all the vestiges of their sinful lives. In other lives I have had to gently (and sometimes not so gently) see if I could stir up some change, to see if their conversion was real, and if perhaps, the weight of sin was so great on their heart that they needed a hand up to the level ground at the foot of the cross. All for little reward.

We struggle when those around us make a claim of salvation and life's realities do not often match verbal professions. We watch them seesaw back and forth, sometimes appearing to walk closer to the Lord and then we watch them move further away again without seeming to have gained any wisdom or any ground over the flesh.

It is difficult to watch their struggles with hope against hope that because a struggle even exists it must mean something! It must mean there is something within that causes the struggle (Gal. 5:17), right? We may have many conversations, send numerous emails, deliver countless rebukes, corrections, and spend infinite hours training them in righteousness and one day you come to the point where you realize you have to let go.

Letting go is a devastating thing for me. It means the Prodigal is truly that- a Prodigal. It means that my hopes and dreams for them in Christ are temporarily and maybe permanently dashed against the rocks of death and separation from God. It is at this point I can no longer confidently conclude their profession is a real one, I cannot convict them of being a Christian.

Oh how this grieves my heart! In my humanity I desire their salvation more than they do, and to my great sorrow they believe that they possess a great salvation already! I am no judge of mens hearts or souls, yet I know what the Bible says to be true- “You will know them by their fruits" (Matthew 7:16)

The fruit of their life has little in common with the Lord or His ways. The roots of their tree are shallow and seeped in the foul ground of prideful self and idolatry, so there can be no other result. I have taken that tree and shaken it many times and some of the rotten fruit fell off, but never far from the tree. Its decay only added to the foulness of the ground and low, before long new fruit of the same variety grew in its place.

It is time to let go. As the loving father did in the Parable of the Prodigal Son, we must let the person go, and turn them over to the Lord. In truth, they left the safety of the homestead long ago but we often tie a rope around their ankle so we will be aware and able to help when needed. At some point we have to cut the rope and release them to be free to go their own way.  No more help, no more wise words, no more harbor of safety and comfort when needed.

It is a terrifying thing to fall into the hands of the living God Hebrews 10:31.

One Shall Become Two

But Jesus said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart he wrote you this commandment. “But from the beginning of creation, God made them male and female.“For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother, and the two shall become one flesh; so they are no longer two, but one flesh. “What therefore God has joined together let no man separate.” Mark 10:5-9 (NASB)

Divorce is rampant, even in the church.  Divorce brings out the worst in people as each person fights for their own interests.  It is a literal rending of one person into two people (Mark 10:7-8) and so divorce is often excruciatingly painful both personally and as a process.

By its very design divorce is intended to tear things apart. The couple separates property, finances, homes, and children.  In addition, often the people seem determined to tear each other apart too.  Vile, hurtful words are hurled back and forth and it is very sad to see people who once loved each other determined to inflict deep and lasting pain on one another.

“For I hate divorce,” says the LORD, the God of Israel,”

Malachi 2:16 (NASB)

Yes, God hates divorce and He hates everything that is involved with a divorce. Do you realize that when a divorce takes place, it is because one person or sometimes both have become involved in some aspect of idolatry? When one or both people in the marriage have become so focused on their own wants, needs and desires that what honors God no longer matters that is idolatrous.

Idolatry is the worship of something or someone other than God. Idolatry of self is evident when the focus in marriage changes from thinking of your spouse to thinking only of gratifying self and meeting the perceived needs of yourself. Idolatry is self-worship and when self becomes primary we see the kinds of actions I mentioned previously.

What even Christians fail to realize, is that even in a divorce situation we are to act in a God-honoring manner. We are to say and do things that glorify God no matter how hateful and horrid the spouse acts toward us. This goes against the grain, against the flesh. The flesh cries out for vindication, revenge and equity! The flesh cannot stand the thought of being taken advantage of or being made a fool of yet the call of Christ is that we be less concerned with our vindication than our righteousness in Christ.  Our Lord asks us to humble ourselves the He might lift us up (James 4:10; 1 Peter 5:6). 

Can I Get A Divorce as a Christian?

Divorce is ugly business. It sure seems to bring out the worst in people who once upon a time proclaimed to love each other "till death do you part."

Divorce actions give people the impression that now anything goes; spouses feel it is ok to say whatever they please to each other no matter how cruel it is. They seem to even go out of their way to hurt one another by flaunting new relationships and freedoms in the face of their husband or wife. I have seen Christians engage in this sort of behavior acting just like their heathen counterparts. This should not be.

The question everyone wants to know is, "What makes it ok for me to get a divorce?" In counseling I am presented with any number of issues that bring a couple to the place where things are so bad in a marriage that one or both decide to call it quits on marriage. Each scenario has its own set of qualifiers and circumstances.

Some of the most common reasons Christians seek a divorce are:

• Adultery
• One of them has "fallen out of love"
• One has “outgrown” the other
• Continuous arguing/fighting
• Drug/alcohol abuse
• Lack of compatibility/interest

Is divorce ever ok? This has been debated for all of the years I have been a Christian and I know that no one scholar agrees with all the rest. What is really important is, what does the Bible say about divorce?

It is important to understand that when looking in Scripture regarding this topic that most of us arrive with preconceived notions about the text we examine. Sometimes Scripture is used to support whatever position we hold, others want to add to or take away from the text to justify their own ideas and thoughts on the subject. Other times the Word is twisted grossly out of context to suit personal desires.

I also realize that there will be some of you who believe that divorce is never permissible under any circumstances, but I find Scripture does not support that view.  The Bible is clear that there are two commonly accepted reasons for divorce: abandonment/desertion (1 Cor. 7:12-15) and adultery (Matt. 5:32; 19:9).

Jesus says that divorce is allowed because of the hardness of the heart of man.

He said to them, "Because of your hardness of heart Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way. Matt. 19:8 (NABS)

Those of you who read my blog routinely know that I am dedicated to promoting the process of heart change and the reality that divorce is allowed due to the hardness of hearts is really critical!

Think with me for a moment about some of the actions and attitudes that surround marital conflict that leads to divorce... emotions like anger and bitterness, malicious and hateful words being thrown back and forth, discontent with your spouse on any number of levels… Sadly, many or all of these are usually present in a divorce situation today.

The Bible describes them as actions of the flesh.

Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these, Galatians 5:19 through Galatians 5:21 (NASB)

Before any of these deeds became actions, they were thoughts or beliefs or desires. The Bible tells us that the heart is deceitfully wicked (Jer. 17:9) and that our actions are a result of what is going on in the heart!

So in a divorce situation where there is much enmity and strife between the two people who once proclaimed to love one another, you are seeing the sin of the heart on grand display. Sinful wickedness of the heart is truly the only reason for divorce.

Factions and Fractures

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Is the imperative of Ephesians 4:31.

These sin issues are poison and will be the death of a church. In Ephesians 4 Paul is speaking to the church, and he opens the chapter telling us to walk worthy of the calling we have received in Christ. He speaks about being unified as one body in Christ Jesus and the passage flows into the personal responsibility we all share in making this happen.

I am so sad to say it is not that way in many of church fellowships. Churches have become hotbeds for dissension, and factions have developed over issues of music, proper attire and Bible translations. Add to this the personal insults and hurt feelings some people struggle with along with pride that comes from a sinful heart, and you have a real sorry spiritual environment.

To some degree, factions are necessary. Paul said "there must also be factions among you, that those who are approved may be recognized among you." (1 Corinthians 11:19) In some cases, this is how we separate the sheep from the wolves with respect to doctrine. Scripture teaches us not to be lemmings, blindly following our leaders without question. We are told to test the spirits (1 John 4:1), to approve the doctrine being taught to us (1 Tim. 6:3, 2 Tim. 4:3-4), and to approve our teachers as being faithful (2 Tim. 2:2, Titus 1:9) in the teaching of the Word and the standards set forth in Scripture for spiritual leaders.

I think you would agree that too many church factions are over purely sinful things. You don't like me or something I said, I don't like you because of music, or clothing or any of the other previously mentioned things. Then we all come together on Sunday morning pretend we like each other and call it worship; even though our hearts are full of all this unrepentant sin toward one another! We ask God's blessing on our worship and offerings and pretend that we are bringing God glory by these actions...

In reality, these things are a nauseating stench to God's nostrils and it is for the same kinds of hypocrisy that Jesus said "Woe to you!" (Matt. 23:27). This is false unity which is beautiful on the outside but is full of crawling worms inside because it is dead and rotting.

When will we (the Church) realize that God sees the hearts of men? When will she realize that despite the pretense of holiness she is deeply sinful and in need of repentance? Taking it out of the abstract, we must collectively realize that we are our own worst enemies and admit to God that our worship is not from a pure heart!

We must confess our sin to one another-admit our own wrongs. What usually happens is our confessions include "but" (the great dis-qualifier) and we want to shift the blame for our sinful behavior on the other person. This is obvious when we say that we would not have said or done something if the other person would not have said or done what they did. This is not repentance or confession, it is blame shifting and justification of personal sin! True confession is done in humility and seeks to reconcile with others rather than justify ones self.

We must forgive one another from the heart! Often our forgiveness is just lip service and meaningless! We say we forgive but continue to cherish the hurt or offense in the heart. We continue to think critical thoughts, gossip about them to others, and rehearse the events over and over in our minds. Heart level forgiveness means that you transfer the hurt to the cross, the desire for revenge to the cross, and the anger and hatred to the cross. It means that you see the offender through the eyes of Christ- from the cross.

True forgiveness means that you do not ever bring up the incident again. You do not bring it up to others, you do not bring it up to them, and you do not bring it up to yourself. True forgiveness mirrors that of God towards us! The offense is thrown as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12), and the forgiveness is all of grace (Eph. 1:7). We do not forgive them because they deserve to be forgiven, we forgive them because we were undeserving and were shown mercy and grace.

Radically Christian

John Stott said that what dominated the mind of Christ was not so much the living of His life but the giving of it. Which of these is your mind consumed by? Another thought provoking question.

It seems to me when I think about people I know over a broad spectrum of life that most of them are consumed by living life. There is of course nothing wrong with thinking about summer fun, and ballgames, and picnics, festivals and graduation celebrations. Many of these things are on my list of things to do as well. However, as I meditate upon what Stott said I have to ask what my life is made of. What am I about?

When I first became saved I was all about the living of life. Things were very important to me, I spent my weekends at the mall, I had to be home to watch my favorite television shows. I think I had 60 pair of shoes! I was out for me, what I could get, and how I could live the best life possible.

When I began to grow in my faith I discovered a desire to serve. Sadly, that desire was still more about me and about being recognized than it was about God. After time, enough growth took place that I realized that was the wrong motive. I wish I could remember exactly when that switch was hit, and the change took place... I do remember thinking I would take the classes offered at church on theology. I wanted to be prepared for whatever God would want me to do.

I vividly remember when I realized a deep and yearning desire to give and serve. This was not a snap decision nor was it a lightweight thing. I sat on the steps alone, and prayed asking God to reveal to me if this weight I was experiencing was the call to serve, the call of ministry. It was a time of heavy contemplation and much prayer.

That is when I am conscious of my life becoming about giving instead of living. I began to realize what the life of Christ was about, and it was service. The Gospels came alive in a new way as I understood that to be about serving was sacrifice. It was not about being thanked and recognized or appreciated, it was about hard work and invisibility.

Life that is Christ-centered is about giving. The giving is to be as complete on our end as it was on Christ's. So often the words of Philippians 2:1-8 come to mind:

Therefore if there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose. Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

When you and I reach the level of giving that costs us our lives then we have done enough. 

Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus

Peter said to Him, “Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water.” And He said, “Come!” And Peter got out of the boat, and walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But seeing the wind, he became frightened, and beginning to sink, he cried out, “Lord, save me Immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and took hold of him, and said* to him, “You of little faith, why did you doubt?” Matthew 14:28-31 (NKJV)

Are you ever so overwhelmed by circumstances that you are nearly paralyzed? I have occasionally found myself there over these last weeks and months. Each time I take my eyes off of Jesus and focus on what is happening in my life, I start to go under from the turmoil in life.

This passage is a great reminder to keep my eyes and my heart focused on Christ. Peter learned very quickly that he could continue to defy the odds and truly walk on water in the midst of the storm as long as he kept his eyes locked on Christ. You and I can do the very same thing even in the midst of great storms with trials that want to swamp the boat.

Jesus Christ is our only hope, He is our only "port" in the storms of life. We must keep our eyes fixed on Him, He is our refuge and strength and an ever present help in time of need.

Why Do We Love Him?

We love (Him), because He first loved us. 1 John 4:19

Yesterday I finished by reminding you that because of our position in Christ, God the Father never sees us any differently in spite of the good or bad choices we make in life.  What about when we make bad decisions and bad choices, do our choices affect His relationship with us? I recently had this debate and thought I would share it with you. I hope that you can use it some time when you are approached with this same question.

The question was; do our choices and decisions affect God’s relationship to us? I ask that question the reverse of what you are most likely used to for a reason. I believe that it is important to realize that we have that relationship with God because HE wanted one with US.

So the question has to be asked in that way to reflect our helpless state in securing our own salvation and relationship with God. It begs to reason then, that if we cannot do anything to gain a relationship with God what can we do to maintain that relationship with God? Do you follow? If I could not love Him until He loved me, and I could not be saved until He called me, then how much of “me” was involved in contributing to be a part of this relationship? 

This is not like a marriage, where he asks and I agree or decline. The theology I hold says that God chose me in eternity past (Eph. 1) to be His child and because He chose me it was a given that I would at some point in my life respond. So how much of “me” is involved in maintaining the relationship? Is obedience asked for? Yes it is asked for and in some cases, obedience is commanded. We see this in the imperatives in Scripture. 

All of the “One Another’s” are imperatives- love one another (John 13:34), be like-minded toward one another (Rom. 12:16), care for one another (1 Cor.12:25) and so on. Those are not just suggestions, they are commands. Another imperative is that we “walk worthy of the calling we have received.” Eph. 4:1. A natural step toward walking worthy is to obey the Word of God.

We obey because we desire to glorify God, not because we fear what will happen if we don’t. Far too many of the Christian women I know obey out of fear, not out of love or desire to glorify God. Those are an afterthought. We often “do for God” out of a desire to gain approval, be safe, avoid problems…

Are those the motives and actions of a loving relationship? Are these the desires of a loving heart that wants to glorify God? Beloved, is it God’s desire that you live in fear and terror of Him? Is it right that you obey and make right choices on the outside while your heart is rebelling against Him? What is more important to the Lord?

…for God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7b 

For You do not delight in sacrifice, otherwise I would give it; You are not pleased with burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise. Psalm 51:16-17

If your choices have no bearing on your relationship with Christ, then where is the consequence of bad choices? What is the result of sin?

We rightly experience feelings of guilt as a consequence of sin and “bad choices.” We know that although we have grace that overflows, knowingly and intentionally sinning is throwing the grace of God in His face. In all cases, the guilt we experience is the consequence and it is intended to draw us back to Him. Guilt is intended to remind us of the cross, to remind us of our need for what the cross brings us; His grace and mercy. The cross reminds us that Romans 6 is true. 

Jesus Christ combats our sin with His mercy and grace not shame and banishment!

Resting From the Rules

"To those who are the called, beloved in God the Father, and kept for Jesus Christ" Jude 1:1

Recently I was talking with an acquaintance about Christ and our relationship with Him and to Him. The woman said to me, “I am not walking well with Him.” 

When someone makes a statement like that to me, it raises some big warning bells in my head and heart. First, I grieve that she struggles so with accepting on an application basis who she is in Christ.  Second I know there is an aspect of her theology that is out of whack. 

My response to a woman when she says such a thing is that as a believer she is always walking well with Him. (It is an anthem of mine as you know!) She right away told me I was wrong, that it was a fact that she was most certainly not walking well with Jesus. 

Let me ask you to think about this same question I asked her about this question of “not walking well with Him.” Does that mean to you that you are not keeping the rules? Does it mean that you have not performed enough? 

Think about that for a while ladies… How much of your acceptance by God in Christ is based on how well you keep the rules and by how you perform each day? 

...to the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved. Ephesians 1:6 (NASB)

For sin shall not be master over you, for you are not under law but under grace. Romans 6:14 (NASB)

May I remind you that you have a relationship that is not dependent on keeping rules? I believe many of us need that reminder occasionally. We love those rules! We love needing them and wanting them and clinging to them because then we feel secure. We think that following the rules gains us some status or stature or security with God on some level. In one breath, we agree that we are always secure in Christ and in the next we say that we have to have those rules! 

Oh reading friends, if I can impart this one truth to your hearts by God’s grace and the moving of His Spirit, let it be this! As a believer in Christ, you are always secure in Him. What Jesus Christ did was enough for yesterday, today and tomorrow. Nothing more is needed, nothing more is asked for. From the perspective of Almighty God our relationship with Him never waivers. He never sees us any differently in spite of the good or bad choices we make in life. 

...and in Him you have been made complete, Colossians 2:10 

You are loved and accepted by God in Christ. Rest. 

Dealing with Sin of the Past

The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost. 1 Timothy 1:15 (ESV)

Recently a woman came to me and told me she had been unfaithful to her husband several years ago. Not long after that another woman told me she had an abortion, and yet another told me she had been intimate with many men. All of these things took place before these women were Christians and yet all of these women struggled with remaining guilt and shame. None of them said they experienced freedom in their Christian lives, and they all said they felt used, dirty and damaged.

Such is the state of our world and in this generation where sex is easy many are learning the hard way that love isn’t free. Sadly these women are finding things are not so easy, and that indiscriminate sex comes with a price.

Each woman has told me she cannot forgive herself for these past indiscretions, and in the case of the woman who aborted her child, she says she cannot forgive herself of killing the child.

All the women are church going women who hide behind a mask of fear of being exposed. They fear someone, anyone finding out who they are and what they have done, so they isolate. They may attend your Bible study or small group or prayer circle but let me assure you, they are very alone and trapped in a secret world of pain.

The women attempt various kinds of penance, wrongly thinking that some sort of restitution is needed and required by God. One woman promotes marriage weekends, another volunteers at the crisis pregnancy center, and the last one works in youth group hoping to steer young woman away from her path of promiscuity.

These dear ladies need to realize that help and hope and healing are theirs in Christ. The erroneous message of forgiving yourself is not biblical and nowhere in the Bible can we find Jesus telling anyone to forgive themselves.

The women I wrote about today have read the account of the adulterous woman in John 8, are familiar with Mary Magdalene, and the woman who wept at the feet of Jesus. None of those women asked Jesus how to forgive themselves; they sought Jesus’ forgiveness in repentance. When they received forgiveness, they obeyed His command to sin no more in that manner. They became His followers and lived their lives in obedience and they began to live for Him.

We could learn a lot from these women and their immediate response to Jesus. Beloved, when Jesus forgave them, it was done. His forgiveness was complete and total. When He forgave you, it was finished the ransom was paid and you were freed!

To ever think that you can add anything to His payment for your sin or to think you’re your self-abuse will obtain forgiveness is blasphemy. The guilty feelings that you hang on to that you somehow believe will help atone for your sin are actually adding sin to your heart and life!

Some will not accept this and maintain they must do something believing it is just too easy to just place it at the foot of the cross; that they must pay a price or have a penalty- something!  Dear ladies, consider this: if there is more to be done to secure your forgiveness then Jesus’ sacrifice was incomplete, our redemption is not assured, and God is a liar.

Rest and trust that He has paid the penalty for your sin and the truth is that you are complete and secure in Christ. 

How Not to Make Decisions

We live in a feelings based culture and I find often times my counselee's live there too. When it comes to making decisions many are looking for a “feeling” that they assume comes from God. Frankly, it is discouraging to hear this kind of talk from Bible believing Christians: “I feel that God wants me to go to …..”

It sounds so spiritual and noble and it’s based on a feeling that amounts to the person saying “God told me” to do this or that or not do this or that.”  The “feeling” is elevated to the status of a specific command to do this or that, thus adding to the Scripture.

There is a huge emphasis on subjectivity and there is little to no accountability when a person “feels” God is telling them to do this or that. After all, who are you or I to argue with what God told someone? 

Most Christian are sincere about wanting to be in God’s will, we hear this prayed for all the time. The truth is, God’s will is never revealed in some spooky feeling. 

We are an “emotional” culture.  If it “feels right” then it must be right. So, if I want to buy a new house and I want to be in God’s will, what I would look for is a “sense of peace” in my heart. If I do not have this sense of peace then perhaps I’m not in God’s will. And that’s what they equate with using the Bible for their decision making.

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful. Colossians 3:15 

Many Christians think they are using the Bible in their decision making because they remember something about this passage but there are a couple of things wrong with claiming it and using it as I suggested above. 

Primarily, it is a misapplication of what this passage means. The interpretation and application of the passage hangs on what is meant by “the peace of God.” Nowhere in the context of this passage is it implied that this peace of God is related to making decisions.  Instead, the word “peace” is in reference to the call of God to salvation. Remember, that the unsaved person is at war with God-he is not neutral. In salvation, it is God who takes the initiative to make peace. Then this peace refers to the attitude of rest or security we have in God because we know now He has made peace with us (Romans 5:1). 

Yet, so many people continue to use the word “peace” as if God gives them a sense of it when making a decision. Honestly, you can have a sense of peace, going out and getting drunk, carousing and debauchery but God did not give that sense of peace-you gave it to yourself.  Sensing “peace” is a bad plan for decision making and not found in Scripture. 

Another method often used is hearing God speak through prayer. One member of a mission’s team who decided to go on a mission trip arrived at her decision this way: she said,” I prayed about it. And when I pray, I don’t talk to God, but I listen to him. And through prayer he told me to go.”  This person believes she has received special revelation either audibly or via “the small still voice” method.  Also, If God told her through prayer to go, then it’s a command for her to do so. 

Psalm 46:10 is often used to justify this perspective:  “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”  

What it really says is found in the NASB: “Cease striving and know that I am God”  

So then, how do we know God is communicating through His Word? It is quite simple really! First, do not separate the Word of God from the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit inspired the writing of Scripture and does not trump it in extra or special revelation.  

Ephesians 5:18 says, And do not get drunk with wine, for that is dissipation, but be filled with the Spirit;  and Colossians 3:16 says, Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God. 

Both of these verses tell us to in essence be dominated by the Holy Spirit by having God’s Word dwell richly within. 

Second, pray for a greater understanding of Scripture (Psa. 25:4).  And third, pray for more wisdom in applying it (Jas. 1:5). Proverbs says; if you do nothing else in this life get wisdom and understanding. Both come when God’s Word is deeply implanted in the heart of a woman. Then, you will be strong in the Lord and you will not be susceptible to every wind of teaching and the foolish wisdom of this age. 

A Gentle Warning

Today I am reminded once again how important it is that as biblical counselors and disciplers we do not merely learn for the sake of knowledge. 

All of the books we read, and conference sessions we attend will do nothing for us if we do not put into practice what we learn.  In fact, knowledge can be a dangerous thing sometimes, lulling us into a false sense of thinking that all is well with us when in fact our hearts have grown hard.  When this happens it is clear that we are not applying what we have learned to our own lives. 

Knowledge puffs up, but love edifies. 1 Cor. 8:1 (NKJV) 

Before you begin your weekend, and as you prepare to go to the house of the Lord on Sunday, take a critical look inside yourself; examine yourself as Paul said in 2 Corinthians 13:5 to be sure you are in the faith! Examine yourself and more importantly as the Lord to search your heart (Psalm 139: 23,24) and uproot the wickedness that has grown there! 

As one who has been entrusted with biblical knowledge and wisdom do not become a fool, thinking and believing that what you have learned does not apply to you first.  It is said in our biblical counseling circle, "The best counselor is a good counselee."  I completely agree with this statement.  We must continue to self-counsel, applying the Word of God to our hearts and allowing- no begging God to do His finest work within us so that we may assist others who have fallen into the pit of sin. 

In Romans 2 Paul was speaking to the Jews who believed they were "in" with God because of their heritage. What he said to them could easily be applied to those of us who profess to be biblical counselors: 

...and if you are sure that you yourself are a guide to the blind, a light to those who are in darkness, an instructor of the foolish, a teacher of children, having in the law the embodiment of knowledge and truth— you then who teach others, do you not teach yourself? While you preach against stealing, do you steal? You who say that one must not commit adultery, do you commit adultery? You who abhor idols, do you rob temples? You who boast in the law dishonor God by breaking the law. For, as it is written, “The name of God is blasphemed among the Gentiles because of you. Romans 2:19-24 (ESV)

Be careful you do not fall into self-deception, thinking you can change your behavior's because of what you know without being changed in the inner wo/man. Hypocrisy is evident to others, and they will blaspheme the Lord because of it. You certainly won't be able to hide who you truly are to God and  this is a tragic waste of the blessings and riches of His grace. 

Resisting Spiritual Growth

The nature of biblical counseling is such that we often times deal with people in crisis. Their crises seem to be heaped one upon the other and so they go from crisis to crisis. Upon questioning I generally discover there is a resistance to spiritual growth; either blatant or because the person is self-deceived it is unknown to them.

The question of whom or what is controlling the counselee’s life such as emotions, thoughts and activities is the critical question to understanding a resistance to spiritual growth. The answer to the worship question is a great revealer and can often times unlock the whole problem of spiritual stagnancy.

How do we determine what the counselee is worshipping?  Worship is revealed by our sin life. What a person is willing to sin to get or have is a great revelation of whom or what they worship. We see these as external or fruit sins, and they include things like lying, anger, fear, bitterness, depression, drunkenness, anxiety and excessive debt. They are evidence of disobedience to God.

We call them bad fruit and they are not really the problem, but the evidence of the problem. They are the result of what the person thinks, desires, believes, and want in their heart.

The real problem is what we call the root sin. It is the sin beneath the sin that causes the fruit sin. It is the heart-act of refusing to have Jesus Christ as your heart’s desire. 

When a person does not have Jesus as their heart’s desire, something else has taken His place. Typically, a person seats themselves on that throne of worship and begins to idolize themselves.

When this happens then thoughts, beliefs, and desires like those that follow become front and center: often the women will tell me that she “needs” privacy, freedom from stress, and personal liberty or freedom in order to be content.  She may also demand to be in control and have standards of perfection in order to be happy.  When a woman worships herself she will also demand approval, affirmation, love and relationship in order to be content. 

When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, your lives will produce these types of evil results: sexual immorality, impure thoughts, eagerness for lustful pleasure, idolatry, participation in demonic activities, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, divisions, the feeling that everyone is wrong except those in your own little group. Galatians 5:19-20 (NLT)

It is important to note that not all desires are necessarily sinful. Good desires become sinful desires when they become demands.

In truth, we all have this worship disorder. A worship disorder is a sin disorder and were it not for grace, we’d all be doomed to be idolaters. It is clear we can underestimate our tendency for idolatry and we do not see that our own desires, perceived rights, passions, lusts, beliefs are often bent on having our own way. We do not understand our own sinful hearts.  Even when a person does understand, they often don’t know and do not know how to break free.

The heart is more deceitful than all else And is desperately sick; Who can understand it? Jer. 17:9, ESV

Pastor Tim Keller says, “Our worship disorder is the very heart act of refusing to have Jesus Christ as our heart’s functional trust, preoccupation, loyalty, service, fear, and delight (security, contentment, and joy).”

This is why, as sinners, we are easily led astray and are easily bent on having our own way, living for our pleasures and having me, me, me at the center of my universe.

Those who begin to see the trap they have walked or fallen into will often seek psychological counseling or seek medication.  Sadly, this often results in masking the true sinful issues that drive the problem (heart issues)

 These remedies amount to little more than rearranging the flesh. Tomorrow we will look at the biblical alternatives. 

About that Bible Study...

And He gave some as apostles, and some as prophets, and some as evangelists, and some as pastors and teachers, for the equipping of the saints for the work of service, to the building up of the body of Christ; until we all attain to the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a mature man, to the measure of the stature which belongs to the fullness of Christ. As a result, we are no longer to be children, tossed here and there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by craftiness in deceitful scheming; but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ  from whom the whole body, being fitted and held together by what every joint supplies, according to the proper working of each individual part, causes the growth of the body for the building up of itself in love. Ephesians 4:11-15 (NASB)

I thought this passage was important to bring up as we head towards our fall women’s Bible studies.  So many of the studies that are out there these days are doctrine weak, poorly written, and full of emotionalism.  As I review the study guides I see questions to be answered that are written to have the student respond from the perspective of “what it means to me” and this is just not right.

Those who teach and lead women’s Bible studies have a great responsibility to teach the Word accurately.  According to the passage of Scripture I cited today it is clear that the burden for teaching and equipping each other is not only the Pastor’s. Mature Christian women are also responsible to equip others for works of service that result in building up the body of Christ (vs 12).  We are responsible to help one another mature and become more like Christ (vs 13) and we are also responsible to be discerning and to help one another become discerning (v14).

Many Christian women have an inadequate view of God, self and sin. This is complicated by the stampede to doctrine “light” that many churches have taken. Women who take a stand for the authority of Scripture and sufficiency must often “undo” bad teaching and replace it with sound teaching. This is not necessarily easy among heavily psychologized and poorly taught women.

The Bible is neither adjustable nor flexible to suit the whim of the teacher. God’s Word does not change because it is not human in origin.  It is not to be taught from the angle of how the teacher perceives God to be, because then the teacher is reinterpreting the Bible in a way that suits their need of the moment.  This distorts God’s truth and makes it “relative” and a matter of experience.

Some study leaders involve superstitious reasoning and ridiculous emotionalism in their teachings, appealing to the flesh of their participants. Personal experience with the Scriptures becomes the interpreter and then everyone’s truth is right because it’s based on individual and personal experience. This is a distortion- the Bible is truth whether you “experience” it or not. This is very difficult thinking to address because in our culture feelings and experience are great sacred cows that are propped up and worshiped.  It is widely believed that you cannot argue with someone's experience, and by all means, don't try to mess with their feeelings...

However, the reality of the situation is that human experience does not change the truth of the Word of God. I have heard women massively twist and distort passages of Scripture, claiming them as “promises” or “a word from the Lord” about a circumstance, and claim that despite the gross error of such methods of application and interpretation that their experience trumps the actual meaning and intention of the Word of God!

These kinds of teachings lead women to elevate their feelings, thoughts and beliefs above what the Scripture really says and what it means by what it says. This is rank pride and horrible self-deception.  God’s Word is unchangeable; it is not shaped or changed by the culture we live in.

If you want to teach a Bible study, teach that the Bible is God’s story of redemption through His Son Jesus Christ. It is all about Jesus.  It’s God’s story and is not dependent on your experience or personal interpretation. It is the story of love, goodness, forgiveness, grace and mercy at the cross. 

Sad to say that I suspect little change will take place in women’s Bible studies despite what has been said here and by other’s who have a strong voice for truth.  In a few weeks, women will once again gather together to have their heads and hearts filled with error because of sloppy theology and incorrect interpretation of the Bible.  May God save us from ourselves. 

Ways to Help the Abandoned Woman

For our last look at women who have been abandoned by their husbands, we will look at some ways the church can help this woman and her children.

This is an understandably terrifying time in their lives and the church must surround them with love, care and compassion. The church is often times the only “family” this woman will have that will be stable and give her godly counsel as to how to proceed.

When there are children involved, the abandoned woman needs extra help and counsel. There is a great tendency to be angry and vengeful toward her husband and to use the kids as a weapon.

Counsel her to be careful about what she says to the kids. She should not bad mouth her husband to them under any circumstances. When she is hurt and wounded it will be easy to tell the children adult issues. This is very inappropriate. If he is not interested in being a part of their lives anymore he will reveal that to the kids by his actions and without her help.  The children need one good and steady parent in such times of upheaval, and she wants to be that parent.

Discourage her from trying to keep the kids from their dad. He is legally entitled to see them and it is morally wrong to deprive him of input in their lives. They need him and regardless of how the wife may feel about him, he is still responsible before God for those little people he helped bring into this world.

If the man is a danger to her or the children then she has to take the appropriate legal steps to ensure their safety. If he is abusive she must do whatever she can to protect herself and the kids.

If her husband leaves her with no money and no way to support herself, she will have to get the legal system involved right away.  Otherwise, my counsel is typically to wait and be the Respondent to each legal action he takes. I am not a lawyer and I don’t give legal advice but I have seen many women wait until the husband gets a lawyer and actually serves them with papers before they obtain legal counsel. As she waits she can be praying that God will change his heart.

Many women who desire to honor God are very passive in the legal process, only responding and taking no aggressive action to initiate divorce. The lawyer might not like her wishes, but will respect them. The goal is always reconciliation.

However, she has to think long-term about herself and the kids. It is ok for her to seek legal financial protection.

Some practical ways the church can and should be involved in this woman’s life would be to educate her on finances if she is unaware of how to budget. Many Christian women work these days, so in those cases the church assistance might be more toward helping her put together a budget that will work on her income, finding affordable child care if that is a need, and obtain affordable housing.

In other cases, Christian woman have stayed home and raised children for years. They have no college education and they have no other skills to transfer into the job market that will earn enough money to support themselves and the kids. There are often issues with tuition for Christian schooling, house payments and maintenance, and automotive repair and maintenance when the husband leaves the home and is not paying support.

If the husband won’t pay support or assist her financially she will need to get assistance from the church as well as various agencies for food and housing assistance. Someone who is knowledgeable in that area should assist her through the process. It is amazing what having another Christian woman at your side can do for you emotionally when you are in a stressful situation.  These are uncharted waters for most abandoned women, and they are already emotionally reeling from everything else they are dealing with.

That is, that we may be mutually encouraged by each other's faith, both yours and mine. Romans 1:12 (ESV) 

Abandonment and Self-pity

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matt. 11:28-30 (ESV) 

Today and tomorrow we will finish up with some final, practical things to aid a woman who has been abandoned by her husband. Today we will address self-pity. An abandoned woman may really struggle with self-pity and be overwhelmed by her circumstances. Everyone falls into self-pity at least once in their life, and when adversity hits we determine that it is alright for us to feel bad for ourselves just a little bit and just for a little while.

You may hear her say things like:

“Nothing ever goes my way”

“I am stupid, dumb, worthless…” etc.

“God hates me”

A woman whose husband has left her believes she has all sorts of justifications for falling into a pile of self-pity. You may have to agree with her that things in her life are in turmoil. She may be in financial difficulties, Her kids might be demonstrating poor behavior because they are upset too, and in general, life might not be great from a human perspective right now.

But God is still in control, He is still sovereign, He is still aware of all her circumstances, and He has a plan. You will have to listen closely to what she says to determine where her thoughts, beliefs, and desires are focused. Then you will need to challenge what she says and point her back towards Christ.

Remind her to preach truth to herself when she is tempted to pity herself. You may have to ask her questions about the sovereignty of God. What does she believe about that in the moments when things look the bleakest? Is God sovereign? If He is, then isn’t He in control of her out of control life?

Ask her what she is focused on or who she is focused on when she is feeling depressed or is in an emotional pile. Do her thought glorify God?

When she tells you that she didn’t deserve what has happened to her, challenge her thinking by asking her, “Who does?”

Sometimes when a person is full of self-pity they are just not thinking.  She may not realize what she is actually saying, but what you will know is that she is revealing her heart in her speech. These are just a few of the emotional issues a woman will face when she has been abandoned.

She will grow to really trust you and my experience has been that the once she gets her thinking straight, the woman typically wants to do what is right before God. This means she does not retaliate. She does not reply sinfully no matter what he says or does. She is to maintain the side of righteousness, even in the face of being sinned against. 

Responsibilities of the Abandoned Woman

“This is another thing you do: you cover the altar of the Lord with tears, with weeping and with groaning, because He no longer regards the offering or accepts it with favor from your hand. Yet you say, ‘For what reason?’ Because the Lord has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant.”  Malachi 2:13-14

A woman who has been abandoned by her husband will need to hear consistent encouragement from her brothers and sisters to stay the course of responding biblically. I promise you, there will be a whole different choir singing to her out there, their voices will be loud and strong and their message will be: take revenge, go for all you can get, trash him, drag him through the mud, and keep the kids away from him and so on.

Remind her that it is not her place to take revenge or to avenge herself and her children. This is a tall order indeed in the midst of pain and suffering of this magnitude. Remind her that God will take care of all of that in His time, in His way.

Her job is to honor God in thought, word and deed- which won’t be easy. You will have to work with her on responding biblically in her anger (which is a whole blog of its own) and on not becoming bitter as a result of the anger she doesn't deal with.

I teach my counselees that they are to have God’s perspective on what has happened to them.Their husband has abandoned the wife of his youth- and that angers God. He may be in adultery- and that angers God. He broke his covenant- that angers God. He may not be providing for his family- that angers God. Help her to focus on righteous anger for righteous reasons.

That is very hard in the midst of all the other emotional things that are taking place. Encourage her to have an eternal view. This will hopefully help her to not make foolish decisions and be rash in her actions and interactions with her husband.

She may struggle with guilt, self-blame, and introspection. These things tend to run together in our thinking, and can become cyclical if they are not recognized early in the process.

Her husband may have some legitimate complaints about her in the marriage and she needs to take those seriously. She is not to accept blame for things that he wants to shift over to her, such as, “If you were a better wife I would not have left you.” What he had done is all on him, it is his sin and she is not responsible for his sinful actions. 

He is responsible before God to lovingly shepherd her, hold her accountable for biblical change, and consider her the weaker vessel, not leave her when the going is tough and blame her for his own failure in leadership. Nonetheless, she may realize that some of her husband’s complaints against her were true in part or in total. Sometimes it takes a very dramatic action by someone else to get us to see ourselves and our sin.

I am not in any way suggesting that abandonment is righteous; I am saying that it is possible that he has been living in very difficult circumstances for many years and believed he could not take it anymore. 

When the woman realizes that she has sinned against her husband she must confess first to God- agree with Him that her words, actions, attitudes or whatever have offended Him. She must confess sinful thoughts, beliefs, and desires of the heart that led her to sin in those ways. She must accept personal responsibility for her failures in the marriage. 

If she was unwilling to follow his leadership, or insisted on being the leader in the marriage and home that was a major failure on her part. If she undercut his authority in the relationship or with the kids, that is also a failure on her part that she must accept responsibility for.

I encourage the wife to follow David’s example and ask the Lord to “Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there be any hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way.” Psalm 139:23-24

This can be very difficult for her because she has already been so humbled by his leaving her. Nonetheless, I have had my counselees make a list of logs and then they have asked their husband to meet with them for the purpose of confession and to seek his forgiveness for those sins.

When the Lord does reveal sin repentance must follow and perhaps there will be a need for additional counseling to address that specific area of sin she struggles with. Once she clears her conscience before God she must humble herself before her husband and seek his forgiveness. 

A word of caution: she must understand that her motive cannot be to get him back by doing this. If she is only willing to take this step to get him back in the house, her motives are all wrong and I do not believe God will allow any good fruit to be born out of it.

Comfort for the Abandoned Woman

Being rejected is also very difficult and can be the most difficult part of the abandonment. If there is another woman involved the hurt is ratcheted up several notches.

Being rejected leads a person to draw inward. It is a self-protective measure to try and fend off any more hurt or pain. The man she entrusted herself to has betrayed her trust. She has entrusted every part of herself to him: her thoughts, belief’s desires, her body…he has had access to every part of her inner person and has taken that sacred trust and smashed it to pieces. He knows her strengths and weaknesses, her sin areas, and struggles to overcome.

Unfortunately, many times all this information is weaponized and used to hurt and torment her.  He uses this power to silence her objections and manipulate her into agreements she is opposed to just to make the pain stop. She is already crushed by his leaving and taking half of her with him. This is insult upon injury for her.

Your counsel can only come from the Word of God to address this issue. Our wonderful Jesus is intimately aware of her pain and sorrow.

He was despised and forsaken of men, A man of sorrows and acquainted with grief; And like one from whom men hide their face He was despised, and we did not esteem Him. Isa. 53:10

He came to his own, and his own people did not receive him. John 1:11 ESV

When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken. Ps. 34:17

Lead her to the Psalms and help her to find comfort and solace in His words. Help her to understand and accept that there is nothing she can do to make him love her again. She is of course to pray for his repentance and cooperate with the church as they undertake the discipline process with him. If she focuses on the rejection and the hurt she will struggle more with anger and a desire for revenge.

Your counsel could come from 1& 2 Peter.  I find both of these epistles to be very helpful in dealing with women who are under unjust and difficult authority.

For this finds favor, if for the sake of conscience toward God a person bears up under sorrows when suffering unjustly. For what credit is there if, when you sin and are harshly treated, you endure it with patience? But if when you do what is right and suffer for it you patiently endure it, this finds favor with God. 1 Peter 2:19-23

This should encourage her and help her to hold on to the fact that as a person suffering an unjust abandonment she can experience loads of amazing grace (favor) to go through this time in her life.

The remaining part of this passage- vv 21-23 points her to Christ as the example as to how to suffer.

 For you have been called for this purpose, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in His steps,  who committed no sin, nor was any deceit found in His mouth; and while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously…

I would also have her work on memorizing Romans 12:12-21 in addition to this passage. You will encourage her to turn the justice for this wrong over to God, and that He WILL judge this case righteously.

Teach her that her job right now is to remain on the side of righteousness in every phone call, court appearance, child visitation, and interaction she has with her husband. Regardless of what he says or does, she is to do what is right, because this is what honors and glorifies God.

Hardships in Abandonment

When a woman has been physically abandoned by her husband she suffers on many levels. She is suddenly alone and has to deal with all the normal things of daily life in addition to all of her emotions of abandonment and possibly the emotional fallout of her children.

So many times the woman will tell me things feel so out of control that she doesn’t know if she can bear it all.  Her focus is on the situations and circumstances that surround her and it is easy to forget she serves a great and powerful God.

When you hear her speak of her life being out of control, remind her of the life of Paul. In 2 Corinthians 11:23 Paul outlines his own trials and troubles for us. Frankly, he faced more hardship than any of us can truly understand. Paul said he was:

In far more labors, in far more imprisonments, beaten times without number, often in danger of death. Five times I received from the Jews thirty-nine lashes. Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was stoned, three times I was shipwrecked, a night and a day I have spent in the deep. I have been on frequent journeys, in dangers from rivers, dangers from robbers, dangers from my countrymen, dangers from the Gentiles, dangers in the city, dangers in the wilderness, dangers on the sea, dangers among false brethren; I have been in labor and hardship, through many sleepless nights, in hunger and thirst, often without food, in cold and exposure. Apart from such external things, there is the daily sin without my intense concern?

Yet even in the midst of such physical hardship and misery he tells us in Philippians 4:11-12

Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am.  I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need.

Help her to remember that the Lord is at hand!

The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, Phil. 4:5b, 6a

That God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Psa. 46:1, ESV

Remind her that God is completely sovereign and even this time in her life is under His sovereign control. This means God is near and close by. He is not far away in some distant place. She may believe God is on the outside, far away, and disconnected from her life.  And it makes sense since the fearful person tends to remove God, she does not think He is in the middle of her circumstances and she may not trust He is indeed near.

This attitude contrasts with that of the Psalms, many of which refer to the Lord’s presence, especially in times of trouble.  

Remind her to be thankful, even for this.

…but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Phil. 4:6-7 

Teach her to remember God’s promises to her (1 Cor.10:13; Rom. 8:28-29).

 As she learns to think biblically she will conclude that God is sovereign (possessing supreme power) omniscient (all knowing), omnipresent (everywhere all at once) and omnipotent (all- powerful) God is always aware, always in control, always navigating the circumstances and events of life.