They count it a pleasure to revel in the daytime. They are
stains and blemishes, reveling in their deceptions, as they carouse with you,
having eyes full of adultery that never cease from sin, enticing unstable
souls, having a heart trained in greed, accursed children; forsaking the right
way, they have gone astray. . . 2 Peter 2:13a—15a
In the book
I have addressed multiple aspects of sexual sin; its causes, effects, and what
to do when you learn the painful truth.
The area I will bring out today in the blog is pornography.
As in all
other forms of sinfulness, people who view pornography have their thoughts,
beliefs, and desires set on fulfilling the lust of the flesh and feeding the
desires of the heart. As the 2 Peter
verse cited above notes, a heart that is trained in greed is a heart that is
focused on self
Idolatry,
pride, greed, selfishness, and rebellion are just a few of the major issues of
the heart that one who views pornography must recognize and admit in order to
break free.
The focus
when viewing pornography is on meeting the felt needs of the moment. The
thoughts are focused on “self” and viewers truly believe they have to fulfill
the desires that they have in the moments of temptation. This is why viewing
porn is idolatrous! Their heart is filled with pride as they think that meeting
their perceived needs and feelings are all that matters.
The
feelings and desires a person has from the sexual stimulation from pornography
begin to demand allegiance and come to rule the user. Regardless of how little
a person intends to view it, in relatively short order pornography reveals
itself as something that cannot be set aside. The pleasurable feelings and
physical release a person derives from it become a ruling force in life.
Additionally, the original stimulating features of basic pornography become
mundane and the lusty desires head toward harder and harder pornographic
features. This is why greed is closely related to idolatry! What satisfied a
man or woman last week will not be enough in a month. The flesh is never
satisfied.
Lust-driven
individuals are rarely rational thinkers in the moment. All that can be thought
about is sating those desires without discovery. There are no thoughts of
others, marriage vows, or spiritual consequences while watching XXX porn.
Frequently, the only thoughts of their spouse are often about how they don’t
ever want them to find out and potentially take this avenue of
self-gratification away.
The
thoughts of entitlement come from the heart. The porn user believes that they
have a “right” to feel good sexually and to gratify sexual “needs.” It quickly
becomes a major stronghold of idolatry in a person’s life and because the
pleasure senses are deeply affected by pornography, telling someone to “stop
it” will fall far short of accomplishing the goal. This is the reason that
commanding a spouse to cease their pornography habit is rarely effectual.
Pornography
users are prideful people because they become their own god, determining
biblical standards don’t apply to them, and that they can make their own rules.
Often the rules are centered on their belief that as long as no one knows they
view pornography, no one gets hurt. It is perceived as a victimless habit which
is untrue.
Because
pornography is at its base a heart issue, the person who views it must seek
treatment at that level. There are many wonderful books and programs to help
someone who is hooked on porn get free from its domination. Any help a person
receives on sexual sin must be more than “stop that.” The counseling must be
primarily about repentance and change to glorify God.
You must
remember that you cannot stop your husband from sinning. You can set up every
safeguard and system known to mankind but if he wants to return to that
cesspool, he will. That is the first thing you must accept.
Acceptance
of sexual sin is hard, hurtful, and might seem impossible. Typically, the wife
who learns her husband is involved with pornography has many questions. She
wants to know why he had to look at that stuff.
She wants to know why she is not enough to sexually satisfy him, how he
could be so perverted, and there is the question that is asked in the deepest
part of the heart of the wounded spouse: what is wrong with me?
The wounded wife is left confused and insecure. What women
have told me time and time again is they are devastated by this revelation.
There is no way to compete with the surgically altered and silicone injected
bodies in those movies and magazines, and there is no way most Christian women
would consent to some of the activities in the movies either.
They discover their husband has an appetite for things they
are unwilling or unable to provide. Women have told me they are humiliated by
the knowledge that their husband has sought out pornography. The revelation
adds insecurity, fear and shame to what most women already see as lacking in
themselves physically and sexually.
What I want you to know is that if your husband is viewing
pornography, it is not your fault. You did not do or say anything that would
“make” him view or read it. As I said previously, this is a desire of the flesh
that he is choosing to gratify.
I know I cannot address every need here in this limited space,
but my hope today was to help you realize you are not “crazy,” you are not
alone, and despite how it looks right now, there is always hope. Men who view pornography don’t have an
illness, they have a sin problem.
Remember, Jesus came to set the captives free!