A Psalm of A Suffering Servant - From the Archives of Time Gone By
Well God, what are You up to? How can it be your will for me to struggle this way? How can it be your will that I struggle so? How can this be God? How can it be your will...
Am I wrong God? Am I? Have I made yet another terrible mistake? What do I do? So many times it seemed I was doing what was right, and every time it seems I get myself into a hole deeper than the one before it. What do I DO? You are the one with all the answers, and I need some of them. I want some of them!
It is so HARD not to accuse you of wrongdoing! It is so hard to keep looking at you as good and merciful and loving in all ways because of how this seems to turn out all the time. I KNOW you are not cruel and I don't know why you always let things go this way for me. What are you trying to do that has not already been done? How much of me is left that needs to be crushed? How much remains that is in need of conforming? How much of me still is out of line with what you want me to be??
These are cries of my heart God, stuff you know is there anyway, why hide it? You see all the yuk and filth so why not just let it out to you. It is so hard not to be angry and bitter toward you...you the keeper of all the gold and money in the universe and my needs are so comparatively small...why do you withhold from me when you can see the need?
What would you have me do? What are you doing...what are you doing... I am so tired of worrying and being afraid of things I cannot readily control... Always having that feeling that I am one step away from disaster, trying to make things out of the air. What am I supposed to do God? What am I supposed to do?
You TELL me what to do.
"Glorify You"..."Glorify You"...I want to cry... Help, help, help...I am discouraged and low in heart and spirit. I am weary and tired. I want you to help me.
Abraham, Moses, David, Jeremiah, Naomi, Paul and many others have walked this path and had to count the cost of serving Him. It is deep and personal, joyful heady stuff that comes with soaring highs and deep, dark lows.
Each servant of God Most High pays a personal cost in serving Him because He takes all, He takes each of us as we are but He does not leave us that way. He conforms and transforms us from the heart outward and often times His grace is the only anesthetic there is- and sometimes, grace feels like an aspirin for the pain of open heart surgery. Sometimes experiencing the pain is unavoidable and the pain is intentional.
Service to the King is not for the faint of heart, or for those who lack commitment. If God chooses you to serve Him, He will prepare you, strengthen you, enable you to endure the rigors of being in His heavenly court.