spend considerable time teaching our counselee’s new things about marriage
because most have not been taught much at all. Many come to the altar with the
wrong idea of what marriage is, for and is to be about. They wrongly believe that the
other person is going to make them happy. Both people are concerned with
themselves and asking, “How can my needs be met?” “How can you please me?” “How can you serve
When, for example, a wife realizes her husband is not
overly concerned about meeting her needs all the time because
he is concerned about his needs being met trouble brews
We all have legitimate needs. We expect that when we
marry that our spouse will love us and care for us and provide for us. We
expect they will be our life-long mate and will be there when things are going
wrong or we need help. When you agree to marry someone, you are committing to
selflessness for the rest of your life. This is not something to enter into for
the supremely selfish. The problem for the married couples we see in biblical
counseling is that maybe no one ever told them that! Each person goes into the
marriage with an “It’s all about me” attitude and is unwilling to be the
initiator in giving.
Your obligation in marriage is to provide for
your spouse. Contrary to popular belief, marriage is not a 50/50 relationship.
It is a 100/100 relationship. Each of you has to be willing to give it all away.
You have to give it all away and expect nothing in return. You do it because
you agreed to in the beginning, and because doing it glorifies God.
Sacrificial living for your spouse glorifies
God. I have told women I counsel that to determine to serve their husband no
matter how ungrateful and selfish he is brings God glory. They are to look at
serving him as though they are serving Christ. There are times when glorifying God is going to
be a time of human suffering, especially if one person is not fully committed
to glorifying God in the marriage.
When a marriage
begins to get sour and is full of strife, upset, anger, bitterness and such it
is because there is a problem within one or both people in that marriage.
There is a problem within the heart and that is what must be dealt with first
before there will be any change in the relationship. Your heart must be renewed
first by God's grace in salvation and then through the sanctification process
as your mind is renewed (Rom.12:1-2).
If your marriage is
in trouble your goal should be to
glorify God in your marriage. The chief end of man is to live to glorify God in
all aspects of life. If you are determining to respond to your husband out of
love for God and obedience to Him rather than to serve yourself or to make
yourself "happy" then you will begin to experience those changes of
heart that will lead to changes in your marriage.