Biblical Counseling for Women

The Edge of the Wilderness

2012-01-27T05:00:00.001-06:00

“For the LORD your God has blessed you in all that you have done; He has known your wanderings through this great wilderness. These forty years the LORD your God has been with you; you have not lacked a thing.”’ Deut. 2:7 (NASB)

Today is a day I have waited for since I moved here. It is the day I give notice that I am retiring from my day job. In just a few short weeks I will be returning to full-time ministry and leaving behind my job in the medical field for what I think will be the final time.

I have been wandering through this wilderness for nearly three years. No one enters the wilderness knowing what the journey will entail or how long they will be there. Many times we are not even sure we are in the wilderness until one day we look around and realize that is where we are! So much has happened in these three years... When I began this wandering I had no idea what it would look like.

The wilderness is a lonely place, and rightfully so. There are times God has to get us alone to help us see what is going on in our heart. The Lord intends to strip away the things you rely on and hide behind while you are out here, bringing you to the end of self-reliance and self-deception. This has been true in my case.

When I entered this wilderness my Mom was in the last year of her life. I realized that to minister to her I would have to set big parts of my own life aside. I did so gladly and made her care a part of my daily life.

I wandered a little further in when my husband moved here ahead of me and we spent 6 months apart. God showed me many ugly things about my sinful heart over those months. I had no idea how willful I was, and how much I demanded my own way in circumstances I had no control over. I had to do many, many things that I did not want to do over that miserable winter, and I was constantly frustrated that I could not make our house sell, and I could not control the never-ending snowfall we had that year. Emotional kicking and screaming was pointless, I had to learn to submit to God's sovereign will.

Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. Phil 4:11-13 (NASB)

When Mom passed on I arrived at a place in the wilderness that a person only goes in a time of incredible loss. I learned here that God is truly able and willing to flood us with his grace and mercy in the moments we need it.

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you. “For I am the LORD your God, The Holy One of Israel, your Savior; Isaiah 43:2-3 (NASB)

My wilderness experience deepened when I moved to join my husband and took my first full-time job in a decade. I left behind my family, ministry and I dealt with the knowledge that I was adding to the loss and sorrow for my newly widowed Dad. I also lost the last year of High School with our last child, as home schooling changed dramatically. Whew...what I had experienced previously paled in comparison to what I learned here!

Remember that the purpose of the wilderness is you and God- alone. Our gracious God allowed me to suffer and wrestle my way through a 15 month portion of the journey, surely the hardest, driest, and loneliest part of my travels. I hated my job, missed "my life" and was experiencing sorrow without hope. All the people in my life became distant, my hardest critics were those closest to me and even things in my marriage were strained. The Lord was once again dealing with my heart of discontent and it was a battle I was not sure I would survive intact. I knew what I wanted to do, and what I wanted to be about, and where I wanted to be. God had other ideas.

who are you, O man, who answers back to God? The thing molded will not say to the molder, “Why did you make me like this,” will it? Or does not the potter have a right over the clay, to make from the same lump one vessel for honorable use and another for common use? Romans 9:20-21 (NASB)

It took me a long, long time (nearly another whole year) to move into the place where I was content with what God was doing with my life. My sweet husband and I wrestled through our bumps in the road, and the other relationships that had hit rough spots also began to smooth out. I had to recognize on a deeper level than ever before that it is God who is in charge of my life. I am to hold all things and all people loosely. I had to admit that there were things that I had built altars to and idolized and loved and wanted more than what God wanted for me.

My priorities were wrong, my affections were wrong, and I know that I sorely needed this time in the wilderness. Repentance, confession, restoration, and righteousness had to become part of my life again. It was at this point that I began to move toward the exit of the wilderness.

So, here I am. The sands of the wilderness have thinned out, and I can see the green grass of civilization ahead of me. The land is lush and full and I am lean and thin from this journey. This has been hard. “Hard” does not truly come close to accurately defining this time, but it will have to suffice. But just because something is hard doesn’t mean it is bad. In fact, this has been a very good time of growing and changing for me and I look forward to what God has for me on the rest of life's journey. I am not finished; this is just really an oasis, a resting place between wildernesses. Because my heart remains sinful and God remains faithful I know I have more to learn and more to change. For now, I am rejoicing that I am in this place and looking forward to a time of refreshment.

I do ask for your prayers. While this life-change is something we are looking forward to, it will not be without its challenges. I am anticipating greater avenues to serve, ministering to more women than ever before (by God's grace), and the opportunity to resume being a wife and Mom in the way I believe God has called me to be one. I know I am abundantly blessed.

What Were You?

2012-01-26T05:00:00.001-06:00

Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God. Such were some of you; but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in the Spirit of our God. 1 Cor. 6:9-11 (NASB)

I meet with many women who have things in their past they wish had never happened. Some of the things are minor, but quite a few of them are major things like adultery, immorality, or drunkenness. They live with “secret sin” hiding these issues underneath their Christianity, hoping no one will ever find out. There is tremendous fear in every-day life wondering if something or someone will bring their past to light and ruin their present.

The shame that accompanies some past sins can continue to eat away at the joy a woman is supposed to have. She can be living out her day’s activities and something triggers a memory and before she knows it she is thinking about what she did in the past and reliving the guilt and shame all over again. Guilt and shame can seem powerful and overwhelming. They can take even the brightest day and cloud it with doubts.

It is more difficult if there is a person in your life reminding you over and over what you have done. Unfortunately, some husbands who know the past actions of their wives will use that knowledge to control or hurt them. They seem to delight in dragging the past into the present and using old and forsaken sin to wound their wives or to gain the upper hand in an argument. This is in direct conflict with Scripture (Eph 5:25) but to some men that does not matter. Having that last word or that control over her is more important to them than honoring God. This is to their disgrace.

If you are a Christian woman with “a past” I want you to revisit the passage at the head of today’s blog posting. Go ahead, take a minute. Read it, savor it, take it in slowly, and meditate on the words of God written to you.

Yes, you may have been immoral or one who worshiped things or people other than God. You may have had an abortion or committed adultery in your past, but what I want you to remember is what verse 11 tells you.

Such were some of you; but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in the Spirit of our God. 1 Cor. 6:11 (NASB)

Because I too am a woman with a past I revel in the fact that I am washed clean from my sin, and so are you. We have been washed by the blood of the Lamb and exchanged our filthy garments for linens that are as white as snow (Isa. 61:10)

“Come now, and let us reason together, Says the LORD, “Though your sins are as scarlet, They will be as white as snow; Though they are red like crimson, They will be like wool. Isa. 1:18 (NASB)

We have been sanctified (Heb. 10:10). This means that we have been purified from the deeds of the past. We have not been imperfectly purified; we have been completely purified by Christ for the glory of God.

For Christ did not enter a holy place made with hands, a mere copy of the true one, but into heaven itself, now to appear in the presence of God for us; nor was it that He would offer Himself often, as the high priest enters the holy place year by year with blood that is not his own. Otherwise, He would have needed to suffer often since the foundation of the world; but now once at the consummation of the ages He has been manifested to put away sin by the sacrifice of Himself. Hebrews 9:24-26 (NASB)

We have also been justified in the name of Jesus, our Lord (Rom. 5:1). In Christ, it is just as though we never sinned in those ways. We have been saved from wrath because of the sacrifice of Jesus Christ (Rom. 5:9) and we have no reason to fear. When God looks upon the Justified, He sees Christ not our old sin.

Please be encouraged today; you belong to God in Christ and your sin has been separated from you as far as the east is from the west!

Is Venting Sinful?

2012-01-25T05:00:00.001-06:00

I am often asked if “venting” is an okay thing to do in counseling. Because of the pervasive attitude of “therapy” often counselee’s assume we are here to listen to them vent and that we are their sounding boards to bounce things off of. It begins with the phone call when the caller tells us, “I just need someone to listen to me.”

What I find they really want is a trash receptacle for words and their feelings. They want to be able to say to us the things they wish they could say to the person who has hurt them. Venting is usually laced with malicious and slanderous talk about another person who is not there to defend themselves or to present the other side of the story. Venting is also gossip because the person being talked about is not there and is most likely unaware they are being spoken about. It is for this reason that marital counseling is done with both husband and wife being present.

The expectation of the person who wants to vent or tries to vent is that we will offer no counsel or rebuke or correction on this practice. Our counselee's quickly learn this is not the case in our counseling center.

While talking is our methodology, we do not encourage or even tolerate venting. If a counselee tells me something and it contains unbiblical thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes I will challenge them.

Is anything profitable or edifying said when a person is "venting?" Usually it is not honorable or glorifying to God to be a part of a venting session. The person doing the venting often does not see their own responsibility for their part of the problem, and unfortunately they don’t like to accept any blame either. The person doing the venting is frequently justifying themselves and blameshifting the responsibility onto another.

The practice of venting is a creation of our psychological friends who wrongly believe that "getting it off your chest" is necessary for healing and growth. In this methodology, venting is encouraged in a variety of ways including writing a letter you never intend to deliver, and in that letter saying whatever you desire to say to someone who has hurt you or angered you. Another method is to set an empty chair in the middle of the room and picture the object of your wrath is seated there and verbally let it rip. What a cowardly method to deal with people. What an unbiblical method to deal with sinful anger, hurt, and pain.

Christians are to deal with emotions biblically, and we are to hold each other accountable when we see sin living large in the life of a fellow Believer in Christ. This does not mean we become spec inspectors in the eyes of our brothers and sisters in Christ without going logging in our own first (Matt 7).

Our goal is to help the counselee to understand what needs to change is their heart and then help them to implement changes that apply to the wrong behaviors and attitudes. We do this by the use of the Word of God in a practical and accurate manner.

If you wish to do so, you must be confident in God’s Word. You must truly believe that God’s Word is enough to change the heart and life of a person. You must believe that it has the answer to every single problem man faces and you must believe that God’s Word is the only unchangeable source of material we have written by an infallible Author. I encourage you not to apologize for making the Word of God your standard. His Word is all we have that is concrete and applies across the board.

Book Review: Real Marriage The Truth About Sex, Friendship & Life Together By Mark and Grace Driscoll

2012-01-24T05:00:00.006-06:00

It was with just a little bit of fear that I began to read Mark and Grace Driscoll's new book, Real Marriage The Truth About Sex, Friendship, & Life Together. I know Mark Driscoll is controversial, and I had heard tidbits about the content of this book over the past year as they were writing it. I wanted to read it because I am always on the lookout for material to use with my counselee's. I also wanted to know if I should steer them away from this book.

I was very impressed by the first half of this book. The author's are very honest about their own trials and difficulties both before and during their marriage. Neither arrived to their marriage bed pure and both admit they brought a few trunk loads of baggage down the aisle with them on their wedding day. The beauty is in their overcoming the many challenges they faced through their married years.

Here are a few highlights I found in the book. Space does not allow me to give you all of what I found, but only a few snippets.

In the chapter titled: Friends with Benefits they talk about the critical aspect of being best friends in your marriage. They take the word F-R-I-E-N-D-S and devote a short portion of the chapter to each aspect of marital friendship. In the R-Reciprocal section the author says, "Christian marriage is reciprocal acts of covenant love." (pg 30) They go on to list a great number of quotes that detail the ways people demonstrate reciprocal acts of love toward one another. Some of the examples brought me to tears they were so tender and loving!

In the I-Intimate section the author outlines three basic forms of marriage: back-to back, shoulder-to-shoulder, and face-to-face (pg 32). In this portion they bring out the importance of intimacy beyond the bedroom where a husband and wife know each other deeply. They share feelings, are vulnerable with each other, and hold each other accountable.

The Third and Fourth Chapters of this book were my favorite. Chapter Three is titled Men and Marriage. While it is written to men, Mark Driscoll invites women to read it too. He speaks lovingly yet is quite honest about the condition of manhood in the 21st century; it is not good. He then gives the men A Wife's Perspective and outlines 5 different ways to honor your wife. This is only a portion of the material in this gem of a chapter, and I really thought all of this is done with excellence.

Chapter four is written by Grace Driscoll and is called The Respectful Wife. She biblically defines respect and fleshes out the definition through small sections that encourage women to have Heads of Respect, Hearts of Respect, and Hands of Respect. She goes on to instruct women on how to disagree, counsel, encourage, and submit respectfully. I was greatly encouraged by this chapter as well!

Mark and Grace address bitterness and forgiveness biblically, and even encourage struggling spouses to enlist the help of biblical counselors for help if needed. This was very refreshing for me, as most Christian books these days are quick to refer people to "professionals."

The second part of this book I am less excited about; it is the section that addresses sexuality. I will say that the majority of this part of the book is tastefully done in my opinion. The information in this section is certainly informative and includes statistics that are eye-opening in some cases. A married adult in our culture should not be shocked by anything they discuss with one exception, the chapter entitled Can We_______?

This chapter consists of questions that Mark and Grace Driscoll have been asked over the years regarding sexual acts within marriage. They state, "...we are explaining what a married couple may do, not what they must do." They frame each sexual topic with the questions: Is It Lawful? Is It Helpful? Is It Enslaving? Within this format they defend or debunk each sexual act with the use of Scripture. I personally found this chapter a little bit "gritty" for my taste, but I was not overly offended by it.

Overall, this book is excellent and despite what you may think about Mark Driscoll or his preaching and teaching at Mars Hill Seattle, this book is well worth your time to read. It gave my husband and I many hours of discussion about the strengths and weaknesses of our own marriage. If you were to purchase this book, I would do so with the intention of reading it with your husband and having some very honest discussions as you do so.

The Dangers of the Hardened Heart

2012-01-23T05:00:00.001-06:00

Take care, brethren, that there not be in any one of you an evil, unbelieving heart that falls away from the living God. But encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called “Today,” so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. Hebrews 3:12-13 (NASB)

There is little more difficult in counseling than ministering to a counselee with a hard heart. Our counseling methodology is built around the change of heart in a person. We believe that the Holy Spirit must effect salvific heart change (Ezk. 26:26, 11:19-20; Jer. 32:39) for any further change to take place. When a person professes to have been regenerated (saved, born-again, redeemed) it means to the Biblical Counselor that God has given them a new heart that is able to submit to God and to obey Him.

Each and every Christian has been enabled to change their mind, thoughts, desires, intentions, emotions, beliefs etc) through the Person of Jesus Christ. The Lord has enabled us to make practical changes in our lives because of the changes He has brought about in the heart; so when I am confronted by a person who remains unchanged and unaffected by the application of the gospel to their heart and their sin issues I have great concern.

seeing that His divine power has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness, through the true knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and excellence. For by these He has granted to us His precious and magnificent promises, so that by them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world by lust. 2 Peter 1:3-4 (NASB)

This verse teaches us that we have everything we need in Christ to be godly internally and to reveal that godliness externally. When a person consistently fails to do this and persists to live in their sin it is not the counseling that fails, it is not the gospel that fails, and it is not the Lord Jesus Christ that fails. It is most often the counselee has hardened their heart and is refusing to repent from their sin and change.

A hard heart is the result of refusing the promptings and urging of the Holy Spirit and the result of great self-deception. Self-deception blinds the person to the dangerous waters they are in.

Very often they exhibit more love for themselves than they do the Lord. This is evident by their love of the sin they are involved in. Of course, they don't come out and say they love their sin, but the refusal to repent and forsake it speaks more than their words could ever say. Loving anything more than God is idolatry so in essence the hard-hearted person is an idolator.

Sin compounds sin and once self-deception sets in the person is opened up to all manner of ungodliness. Pride, unforgiveness, bitterness, rage, selfishness, bragging, and many other things. The counselee will at some point find themselves involved in more sin than they ever could have imagined. Sin always takes you farther than you ever wanted to go. Those who have been there have told me it was almost as though they looked at themselves one day and where they were at in life and wondered, "How on earth did I get here?"

A person who is hard-hearted must be confronted about the sin they are immersed in by loving, caring, and compassionate Christians who understand all that is at stake in the person's life and in the church. The sinning brother or sister must be confronted for the sake of their soul.

Sadly, some refuse to hear the loving rebukes of brothers and sisters in Christ and persist in their folly. Their lives will be unfruitful and they will be miserable. I have been involved in these situations many times and I am always surprised by the responses from the person being confronted. When repeated rebukes are met with consistent resistance the church has no option other than to go forward with the discipline process.

More on Self-Esteem

2012-01-19T05:00:00.008-06:00

I am revisiting the topic of self-esteem because of a reply I received to a blog post I wrote on the topic a little while back. The self-esteem message is pumped into us from pre-school onward and most people have completely bought the lie that we have to think better of ourselves than we do presently. “Low self-esteem” in a person is blamed on every behavior from unbiblical anger to homicide.

The biblical understanding of low self-esteem is self-love. Jay E. Adams, in his book, The Biblical View of Self-Esteem, Self-Love, Self-Image says that the Bible assumes self-love.

Adams says, “The command is to love your neighbor as you already love yourself. The verse could be translated literally, ‘You must love your neighbor as you are loving yourself.’”

Paul makes the same point in Eph. 5:28-29

So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, Ephesians 5:28-29 (NASB)

The Scripture makes clear that we are born with a bend toward loving ourselves and because the desire to love ourselves is so strong, we have to be exhorted to love even our spouses as much or more than we do ourselves. For the man or woman who is indwelt by the Lord Jesus Christ it is not only possible but it is commanded.

Self-love to the point that is promoted in society is ungodly and unbiblical. It wreaks havoc on marriages and other important relationships because in most cases, self-love or self-esteem is selfishness on parade.

To be clear I am not saying that you must never think of yourself or think poorly of yourself for that is equally unbiblical. The Christian is most certainly something special! We were once desperately lost and hopeless people without an ounce of righteousness within (Jer. 17:9, Rom. 3:10-18).

In Christ we are new people, the old ways are gone and the new ways come 2 Cor. 5:17 (NLT).

Because of Christ we have been indwelt by the very Spirit of God! We are now living tabernacles set apart by God to do what He as designed and predestined us to do (Eph 2:10).

Why though does Paul tell us this? Is it to make us “feel good” about ourselves? Is it to raise our self-esteem” or give us “positive vibes about me?” His purpose is to “urge us to become in everyday living what we already are counted to be in Christ.” In other words, he wants us to see that in ourselves we fall short of what we are in Christ.

What’s the harm someone might say in taking a positional truth and applying it to our ego’s so we feel better about ourselves? At the very least we think to highly of ourselves in Christ.

As God’s messenger, I give each of you this warning: Be honest in your estimate of yourselves, measuring your value by how much faith God has given you. Romans 12:3 (NLT)

Adams notes that Robert Morley, (another psychology type) who wrote this passage proves “we must view ourselves as uniquely wonderful, intrinsically valuable.”

We are “intrinsically valuable?” Paul is asking us to give a sober appraisal of how far we still fall short of who we positionally are in Christ. This is a blow to our pride, not an encouragement for it!!!

It is certainly true that mankind is made in the likeness of God in some sense; (James 3:9. Gen 1:27, 9:6) though the moral and intellectual image has been do defaced it must be restored.

However, these passages are used by self-esteem writers, teachers, and advocates to proof that we are of invaluable worth. This quote from H. Norman Wright illustrates how the lens of faulty interpretation clouds the application of “likeness” passages.

“Sinful men are valuable to God. If God loves sinful men for the redeemable value He sees in them, then we ought to love these men too, including ourselves.”

Here is the major issue and major heresy that it implied by the misuse of these passages.

God did not love us redeem us, save us, because we are lovable. As Adams notes quite accurately, “God’s love was not a response to man’s loveableness.”

Westminster Confession of Faith represents the accurate, historical view of Christianity on this topic: “God…has chosen, in Christ, unto everlasting glory, out of His mere free grace and love, without any foresight of faith, good works, or perseverance in either of them, or any other thing in the creature as conditions or causes moving Him thereunto: and all to the praise of His glorious grace.”

“Let’s not underestimate the consequence of this faulty belief system. If we believe we are lovable despite the fact we are fallen creatures who sin every single day we misunderstand the very nature of what grace is. Not only that we insult Christ, who died for our sin, not our minor blemishes that could be over looked. Brokenness and humility and honest of assessment of our own sin nature is the way to the cross. It is not believing that you, because you retain something of God’s image are worthy of redemption or lovable. God saves because of His love, mercy and grace.”

The path of self- love that is being taught is a teaching that is leading many astray.

Self-Esteem Revisited

2012-01-18T05:00:00.002-06:00

Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” And He said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ “This is the great and foremost commandment. “The second is like it, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ “On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets.” Matthew 22:26-40 (NASB)

Recently someone left a comment on a previous post I wrote on self-esteem:

Blog Reader said: "Self-esteem is your opinion of yourself. High self-esteem is a good opinion of you and low self-esteem is a bad opinion of yourself. Self-esteem is crucial and is a cornerstone of a positive attitude towards living."

I thought I would revisit this topic because it is so very important for us to understand. In many Christian circles there is little difference between Christian psychology and the humanistic, man-centered psychology of Maslow. This can be seen in how Christian psychologists define self-esteem and write about it: “The Christian psychologist, H. Norman Wright, describes self-esteem as one's sense of personal worthiness, as the feeling of "I am good."

"...self-worth, the feeling of significance is crucial to man's emotional, spiritual, and social stability, and is the driving element within the human spirit. Understanding this single need opens the door to understanding our actions and attitudes" –Robert McGee. Rapha Hospitals

"People have one basic personal need which requires two kinds of input for its satisfaction. The most basic need is a sense of personal worth, an acceptance of oneself as a whole, real person."

"The essential factor in Maslow's theory is that people are not motivated to meet the 'higher' needs until the 'lower' or more basic ones are met." "...the last need of self-actualization allows for a non-egocentric other-centered motivation to give rather than to get." "In order to be well-adjusted, you must reach the stage of self-actualization" (--Larry Crabb. Effective Biblical Counseling, Zondervan, 1977,)

The drift into the humanistic gospel of self-worth, self-esteem, and self-fulfillment should not surprise us as pragmatism drives the church growth movement.

Bill Hybels (Willow Creek) and Rick Warren (Saddleback) represent the tip of the spear that had morphed the gospel into preaching that meets “felt needs” and as we’ve seen the major “need” is for more self-esteem. This type of preaching “works” in that it appeals to our self-centered nature and people who lack discernment fall right into it. It fills up churches and it’s called evangelism.

In order to get away with this however, a church has to be willing to chuck doctrine and hermeneutics (how to interpret Scripture in a way that is faithful to what it meant to the original “hearers.). In the seeker churches there is a near total absence of any substantive doctrinal teaching as well as an absence of a sound hermeneutic. As a result, the theology of the lowest common denominator prevails and psychology becomes the substitute for sanctification.

The doctrine that has been sacrificed on the altar of church growth and pragmatism and had the self-esteem gospel substituted for it is the doctrine of Total Depravity.

The main commonality between secular psychology via Maslow and others and its Christian variants is the need for self-love. For the Christian to make this so-called need “biblical” a new hermeneutic had to be employed.

Jay Adams noted back in the 1980’s in his The Biblical View of Self-Esteem, Self-Love, Self-Image, that Christians who propagate these teachings do make a feeble show at finding self-esteem principles and practices in the Bible.

The key point to remember here is that in doing so, the approach to Scripture is backwards. We’re supposed to go to the Scriptures to draw out what they say about this or that. In Christian psychology’s attempt to justify their teachings they go back to the Scriptures and read into them their theories and then say, “see, it’s in there.” It is a dangerous method. (see Jay E. Adams, The Biblical View of Self-Esteem, Self-Love, Self-Image)

Any system that proposes to solve human problems apart from the Bible and the power of the Holy Spirit is automatically condemned by Scripture itself.

Jesus plainly says the TWO greatest commandments are these; yet, psychologists like Trobisch add a third and give it precedence without so much as a bat of the eye.

There is no command in Scripture to love yourself! None.

Love God and love neighbor-two commands.

Christian psychology’s novel interpretation of Matt. 22:36-40 is based on accepting Maslow’s hierarchy of needs as gospel truth. Lower level needs need to be met before higher level needs. So, self-esteem (self-love) needs have to be met before self-actualization.

Another Christian psychologist (Philip Captain) puts it simply: “Love for God is dependent on love for neighbor, which is in turn dependent on love for self.”

There is no dependent relationship set up between the two commandments.

More next time.

Adapted from Reigning Grace Counseling Center Track 5 Training Program copy write Bruce Roeder and Julie Ganschow.

Enjoying A Difficult Child

2012-01-17T05:00:00.001-06:00

Before I leave this topic, I thought I would tell you some things you can do and ways you can find enjoyment with your child even though you will be in the corrective process with him or her for quite some time. It is really important to let the child know that you want to be with him, that you actually enjoy his company! It would not be good for either of you to have the only attention he receives from you be correction and reproof.

Make time for fun and enjoyment. Allow the child to select something he or she really enjoys and make it happen. While you are engaged in the activity is not the time for general teaching on his sin issues, it is time for enjoying each other's company. Of course, you can't allow rank sin to go unchecked but be careful not to overreact to childish behavior. I'm sure you have heard of having "quality time" with your children, but I think that was invented by people who felt guilty for not spending time with their kids! Your children (even the difficult ones) must have time where you interact with them for no other reason than because you love them and are interested in them as people.

Hug and kiss your little one- a lot. I see parents who threaten and do withhold physical affection from their child because they are not meeting behavior standards. This is cruel. Your child equates your touch with love and if you refuse to hug and kiss them or even touch them because they have not behaved to your satisfaction you are giving them a very bad message.

Focus on their strengths. They are good at something, so find out what it is and spend time doing it with them and encouraging them to do it on their own. It is not about rewards and ribbons of achievement, although those are nice perks, it is all about you developing a relationship with them.

There will be times you will need to do things you simply don't want to do in developing a relationship and enjoying your child. I am not much of a game player, but there have been times I have sat on the floor and played "the dinosaur game" or matching the cards with my child even though I would have rather been doing anything else! Remember, it is not about you, it is about bringing glory to God and in this incidence developing relationship with your child will bring Him glory.

If your child is easily wound up or distracted, outside activities will be a great way to run off some of that energy and enjoy being together. What child does not enjoy a playground with swings and a slide, or a patch of grass to kick or throw the ball around on a sunny afternoon? Even a simple walk or jog with your child will mean the world to him or her. As you spend time together you will find openings to talk and bond over every-day things that are not related to behavior or problems the child has.

Each day will have its challenges of course, and there is no better way to face those challenges than to spend time in the Word of God. It is better if you can do this with your child! What I mean by this is to get down to your child's level of understanding and minister to his soul. While I would not suggest this as an ongoing practice, there are Bibles that are done in cartoon format that a young child might be more interested in reading and looking through with you. As the child grows and matures in his or her understanding of the Bible you can move into a difference translation that is easy to read and understand. Please...do not expect your child to gravitate toward a version of the Bible such as the King James. Whatever your thoughts on this translation, few reasonable people would expect a young child or even an adolescent to understand the archaic language.

"I have hidden your Word in my heart that I might not sin against you." Psalm 119:11 (NASB)

You will begin to see changes in your child as you spend time with him or her. It is a given that everyone want to know they are loved and important, and when a child has a difficult personality or difficult behaviors they need to know that the most important people in their lives- their parents- are in their corner and on their side in life.

Other Reasons for An Angry Child

2012-01-16T05:00:00.001-06:00

While the sinful heart is always in play in our lives we cannot deny there can be other factors that will promote anger in a child. These have to be examined in light of his or her regeneration and cannot be dismissed or ignored. The world our children live in is much harsher, colder than the one you and I grew up in and I would also say it is a lot more dangerous.

One possible reason for a child to be angry is difficulty in school. Children who struggle to learn battle more than just poor grades, they also are confronted by their peers who can be so cruel and mean. Slow learners are made fun of and ostracized and school becomes a place of emotional torture for some.

Children who are not gifted with an ability for sports are also ridiculed. Some kids are just not agile or built to play sports! One of my sons had the height for basketball, but nothing else that he needed to be a good player. As hard as he tried he was more of a hindrance than help on the court and it was discouraging to him! No one likes to be the last one picked in gym class or for a sports team. When other players equate your reason for living with your ball handling skills it can be very upsetting.

Children who are overweight, underweight, or with distinguishing features also have a hard time in school and anger can result. As I said, kids can be very cruel and when a child is the daily recipient of cutting remarks and other hurtful things anger becomes a lifestyle for them.

Is the child overtired? When a child is tired it is a sure thing that crankiness will be the result. It is not reasonable to expect a young child to be shopping at midnight on Thanksgiving night! Yet I saw too many kids out with their parents getting "the deals" that could not wait, kid howling in the cart and parent yelling at them to "shut up."

Is the child hungry, or bored, or in some other discomfort? Yes, these are all reasons kids get angry and there are heart attitudes to address in each one.

The child who struggles in school for academic reasons; in addition to getting the child the help he or she needs I would suggest dealing with the heart issues as well. This child knows he is different, he knows he can't keep up and it is a cause for embarrassment for him. He does not understand that he is fearfully and wonderfully made (Ps. 139) and that God did not make a mistake when He put him together. You will have to deal with the issues of self-pity and possibly sorrow without hope (what the world calls depression) in addition to the outbursts of anger. Taking each sin issue and dealing with it on the heart level will help you and your child to understand that the anger problem is not only external, but internal first.

What an opportunity to help your child understand the message of the cross! Teach him to live his life to glorify God in whatever ways he can. Not everyone is intended to be an Einstein and that is ok! He needs to focus on glorifying God with his thoughts, beliefs, and desires and as he does his school work for the glory of God instead of A's and B's his attitude may change.

When the kids in his school or neighborhood are cruel and mean he has a great opportunity to demonstrate Christ-likeness toward them. Teach him to live out 1 Peter as he suffers.

For you have been called for this purpose, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in His steps, who committed no sin, nor was any deceit found in His mouth; and while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously; 1 Peter 1:21-23 (NASB)

This is a valuable lesson to learn at a young age! This change has to begin in his heart before it will be visible in his life. Continue to encourage him to show love to those who don't deserve it as Jesus has done for him.

You must confront the sin of the child biblically. Keep addressing the root of the issues you see, not only or even primarily the behaviors. Ask questions instead of making statements at them. Seek to learn what they are thinking about, ask them what they believe to be true about something or someone who is troubling them. What do they believe to be true about themselves? These questions can open doors for you to see in your child's heart and develop biblical strategies for change on that level. Just like adults they must also be transformed by the renewing of their mind (Rom. 12:2).

January 13, A Lasting Legacy

2012-01-13T14:56:00.001-06:00

Three years ago today my Mom went to heaven. Today's post is partially composed of what I posted the day she left us. As it was then, I am experiencing a great bundle of different emotions. It is hard to believe in one sense that it has been three years and in another way I cannot believe how much has changed in the span of only three "short" years.

I helped my Dad take care of my Mom in the last few years of her life. My siblings were also of great help, but because I didn't work a traditional job I was most available and spend considerable time with my parents at doctor visits and later on when hospice became involved.

From January 13, 2009:

My desire in all this from the beginning was to glorify God in caring for and ministering to my mom. I made her certain promises along the way, and by God's grace I kept every one. I already miss her, but I have been missing her for a long time already. What was left of her in the end was not at all who my mom "is" but just remnants of her. In spite of the misery she experienced daily living with emphysema and COPD and arthritis, occasionally we would be treated to a little of the old mom. She would pop off a one liner that really cracked us up! My mom had the greatest sense of humor!

My mom taught me how to be a wife and a mom, and I think that is her lasting legacy in my life. It was because of what I saw in her that I really only ever wanted to be a wife and mother rather then pursue college or a career. I watched how much she absolutely loved everything about both of those things and it made me want what she had. Mom loved to cook and bake and clean the house. She loved and excelled at the tasks many women frowned on. To her they were not drudgery, they were love. She fussed over the details of meals, making sure all the colors were on the plate. She loved to make the food look nice on the plate. When it was time to plan the Christmas or Easter meals, she would plan out every detail. She had a pile of cookbooks and would pour over them looking for ideas.

She loved gadgets and had just about every one there was. Not many people can boast they have an electric potato peeler! Sometimes she would buy something for the kitchen just because it was cute!

My mom was sacrificial. I remember her buying something for me that I only wanted and forgoing something for herself that she may have needed. Many people have commented on how we have cared for our parents during mom's illness, and this too is a testimony to things that were instilled in us.

My mom was one of my best friends. She and I just hung out together. We enjoyed many of the same things and until the past few years we spent many hours a week together. We made Christmas ornaments, cookies, painted things, shopped together and ate at our favorite Red Lobster whenever we could.

She is a part of me, in more ways than the usual mother-daughter relationship. I valued her opinion and perspective and I learned so much from her. Her influence in my life cannot be overstated nor can it be replaced.

I will miss you Mom...as I told you (today) as you were taking your final breaths, for you and me this is not "goodbye" it is "see ya later." Because you chose to trust Christ as your Savior we will meet again in His presence one day. Tonight as I write this, you have been with Him for 12 whole hours. The first 12 of eternity! I know you know now that I was right about all I taught you from the Bible about salvation. That brings me more joy than you can understand! It makes the loss of your presence more bearable to me.

My kids tell me all the time that I am the best mom ever...if that is the case, it is because I learned it from you, the best mom ever.

Three years later, I still miss you Mom. I know we will see each other again one day.

I love you,

Julie

Understanding the Angry Child

2012-01-12T05:00:00.001-06:00

Yesterday we began looking at the issue of having an angry child. I pointed out that children are sinners just like the rest of us and struggle with sin too. The sin of anger in a child does not begin with the behavior, it begins in the heart of the child. The child's desires are being denied, his perceived rights are being violated, he believes he is entitled to something he cannot have so he explodes in anger.

I ended the last post by pointing out another of the possible reasons children become angry; their parents. What I mean by that is while each person is responsible for their on sin, parents have a primary role in the lives of their children and our sin can affect them! I suggested that parents follow the Scriptural admonition of Matt 7:3-5 and examine themselves and in so doing get the log out of their own eye. When a parent realized they have sinned against God and their child, go to that child and confess the sin and ask forgiveness of the child. This demonstrates great humility and will make a huge impact on the child. Make this an ongoing practice in your life with everyone you know, not just your kids.

You must understand that the best thing you can do for your child is to help him or her understand that anger isn't something that just "happens" and they are not a hapless victim of some unseen or external force that "makes me mad." Help them understand that anger is a response, it is a result of what they are thinking, believing, and desiring in their heart. It is very common for people to want to shift the blame for sin onto something outside of themselves. The child will want to blame you as the parent, their siblings, the teacher, the bus driver, being tired, and any number of other things for his anger. You must begin to teach the child that he and he alone is responsible for his anger.

Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by God”; for God cannot be tempted by evil, and He Himself does not tempt anyone. But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust. Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death. James 1:13-15 (NASB)

No one can force another person to become angry or to sin in any way. It is always a choice, and it is always a result of the thoughts, beliefs, and desires of the heart.

To begin to help your child with this new way of thinking, you must teach him or her biblical truth. Even young children can be taught that sin does not glorify God, and this is where the teaching should begin. Teach your child that their purpose in life is to bring glory to God.

Therefore we also have as our ambition, whether at home or absent, to be pleasing to Him. 2 Cor. 5:9 (NASB)

Teach your child that when he sins in his anger he is sinning against God. This will help you take your focus off of the behavior and put it on what is motivating the behavior, the issues of the heart.

You will need to learn the art of asking good questions, and be able to employ them when your child is becoming angry. For example, when you see anger building or you know from experience that how you respond to the child will normally result in his being angry you could ask the following questions:

Do you realize that you are becoming angry?
What do you think would be a better response instead of getting angry?
What could you do instead of becoming angry?
What do you want that you are not getting?
What are you getting that you do not want?
Does your anger glorify God?
What kind of response would glorify God?
What specifically are you thinking about right now?
Do you think you are "owed" this thing (if he is being denied an object or treat)
Are you thinking of yourself right now?
Are you thinking of others right now?

Asking questions like these will help you to see what is going on inside his heart and will help you to know how to respond on the heart level. Now you must also realize that your child may not like these questions and may try to avoid answering or may even try to respond in anger as you ask them. Be patient and gently persist by talking with him and asking the questions.

You will be teaching your child as you talk with him in these precious moments and he is learning much more from how you handle his anger than you can ever teach him by only talking. Your responses are also revealing your heart. You are hopefully modeling godly responses and your child will learn very much from you in this way.

I will have more on this next time.

The Angry Child

2012-01-11T05:00:00.003-06:00

Parents of angry children are frequently at a loss as to what to do with them and for them. Life is somewhat of a whirlwind in the family, as everyone tries to keep the child from exploding into a fit of rage.

Angry children tantrum, break and smash things, throw things, scream, hit others and themselves, destroy harmony in the home, cause friction in marital relationships and in sibling relationships. Typically other family members will walk on eggshells around the angry child and this raises the already high levels of tension and misery in the home.

The root of anger in a child is the same as the root in an adult; it is an issue of the heart. The Bible is clear that evil thoughts, beliefs, and desires come from the heart (Matt. 15:19; Gal. 5: 19-21).

“The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good; and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart. Luke 6:45 (NASB)

Because anger is an issue of the heart, "managing" the child's anger is an ill-fated course of action. Sin can not be managed, it must be repented of! Please don't be discouraged by this news, it is actually wonderful news! If what your child is dealing with is sin, then he or she can change and in Christ the change can be lasting change. This should fill your heart with hope for your child's future!

You might be wondering where all this anger came from in your little one. While he or she was born with a sin nature and with a propensity toward sin (Romans 5:12) when a child demonstrates out of control anger as a habitual behavior there may be more to it than meets the eye.

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Eph 6:4 (NASB)

While each person is responsible before God for their own sin (children included), parents have a primary role in the lives of their kids and our sin can affect them and actually contribute to the sin problems our children have. This demands that we as parents begin by looking within, examining ourselves in the light of Scripture, and taking the log out of our own eye (Matt. 7:3-5) before we can begin to really address the issues of the child.

You must deal with your own sinful heart and ask the Lord to reveal your sinful issues in dealing with your child. Some questions to ask yourself would be:

Are you consistent in disciplining your child?
Are your expectations age-appropriate and have you clearly communicated these expectations to your child? Do they honestly understand your expectations?
Do you discipline in anger?
Do you compare your children to each other?
Do you yell or scream when angry?

These are just a few of the ways that parents sin against their children and foster anger in their heart. The remedy is the same for you as it is for them, bring your sin out in the open by confessing it to God. Bring it to the cross and deal with it in light of the gospel. Admit to your child that you too struggle with sin and in the ways that you know you have sinned against him or her confess and ask for their forgiveness. In doing so you will find freedom from the sin that has held you captive and you will also soften your child's heart toward you.

One of the best things I ever did was to confess and ask forgiveness when I sinned against my kids. The first time they were astonished! They could not believe that their Mom was humbling herself in this way and it went a long way to furthering our relationships.

More tomorrow!

Loving Difficult People

2012-01-10T05:00:00.001-06:00

I would venture to guess that many reading this today have difficult people in their lives. They are the people with whom you have frequent or constant friction. They annoy you, irritate you, and you would avoid them if you could. Some of them are just Gloomy Gus's always finding that sliver of darkness in any silver cloud. They are happy to tell you every negative detail of their day and see little joy in anything.

How do you deal with them? What is your goal in interacting with the difficult and grumbley people? If you are like me, you sometimes have success in accepting them for who they are and not letting them get under your skin or spoil your day. Other times, the response or reaction is less than godly and you find yourself being as difficult as they are!

None of us are sinless and even though we are Christians we still struggle with the deeds of the flesh and the wicked desires of the sinful heart (Jer. 17:9).

When you think about it, God deals with difficult people every day too. Both groups; the unregenerate and those professing Christ as Savior are difficult in their own way. How does God deal with us? What is God's goal in how He deals with us?

The Lord deals with His people gently and lovingly even when we are being disciplined for our sin. The Lord is patient and kind with us... and as I write this the passage from 1 Corinthians 13 comes to mind:

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Cor. 13:4-7 (NASB)

Our Loving Father is patient with us! We are so unbelievably unlovable and difficult! Our hearts are full of rebellion and even hatred toward Him and yet He is long suffering with us. Not only is He is long suffering as we live in rebellion and disobedience but He actively pursues us in the midst of it all!

The Lord pursues us and showers us with goodness and kindness as He does so. Even if you are in the midst of difficult circumstances the fact that you draw your next breath is evidence of His goodness and kindness toward you! The fact that He allows you another day to repent and change is further testimony to His loving pursuit of you. He desires that you become all that He has ordained you to be!

Shouldn't this be our goal for the difficult people in our lives? Isn't the nature of agape love (self-sacrificing love) giving away what we have, even to our very lives? Showing them the same kind of grace and mercy that has been shown to us when we did not deserve it? I believe it is, and I also believe it is something God calls each of us to do. It is not always going to be easy but it is a part of being conformed to the image and likeness of Christ.

Sometimes you will have to confess your sin to these people which will be very humbling for you. If you have sinned against them in some way and have something against you, now is the time to make this right with them. It is the first step in building a relationship with them. Admit to them that you struggle too! Let them see your failings and struggles. This may give them hope as they see you struggling to honor God in your life, they can too!

You just might have to pursue them and befriend them. This is also hard, particularly if they are not very likable. Yes, it would be much easier to ignore them and join in the gossip and bashing that goes on but would that honor God?

See if there is a need in their life that you can provide without having any expectation of receiving anything in return. You must be aware that involving yourself in the life of another person will not make your life easier, in fact it will make it harder! Trust that God will help you and pray for His direction and guidance as you seek to serve the difficult person.

More next time!

Is Man Basically Good?

2012-01-09T05:00:00.001-06:00

It is very popular today in many churches to say that man (and his soul) is basically good. The notion that man is basically good is perpetrated in the church by a psychologized gospel that exalts man.

Martha Peace says, “Self” is at the center of our lusts—our supposed needs for significance, worth, security, identity, or esteem. A psychologized, man-centered view of God and of man appeals to our natural sense of loving ourselves and thus deceives us

Do you think that man is basically good? One popular poll asked professing evangelicals if man was basically good or bad. The astounding results showed that 77% believed man was basically good. Perhaps we should not be surprised by this as many preachers are preaching messages that are based on making people “feel good” about themselves. Man was created by God in His image. The Scripture teaches that man was created sin-free and has a rational nature, intelligence, a will, and moral responsibility (Gen. 1:26-28). But being created in the image of God does not mean that man is basically good by nature.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God and lost their innocence (Rom. 5:12). Man was guilty of sin and incurred the penalty of spiritual and physical death becoming subject to God’s wrath because God cannot tolerate sin. Man then became inherently corrupt and totally incapable of choosing or doing that which is acceptable to God apart from divine grace (Rom. 5:19). Man, thereby, has no power within himself to recover and is hopelessly lost. Historically, this radical corruption of the soul has been called “total inability.”

It is important to understand that total inability does not mean that every person is as bad as he or she might be, for God’s common grace restrains unredeemed sinners from fully realizing their sinful potential. Every person has the potential for even the worst of sins, since every aspect of a person was affected by the fall (will, emotions, thoughts, etc.). Scripture (see Romans 12:16) indicates we are inclined to think too highly of ourselves and our “goodness.” We are more prideful than we want to believe!

Note the condition of the unredeemed heart in these Scriptures:

Then the LORD saw that the wickedness of man was great on the earth, and that every intent of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. Genesis 6:5 (NASB)

This is one of the strongest and clearest statements about man’s sinful nature. The people of Noah’s day were exceedingly wicked from the inside out. Why? Because the fall affected every aspect of the heart.

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; Who can know it? Jeremiah 17:9 (NKJV)

The prophet Jeremiah declares the heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked. At the very least it means our hearts cannot be trusted. Yet, in our culture we constantly hear from psychology that we are to follow our hearts, make the right heart choice, or are told your heart can be trusted to guide you.

When these things are said, they are, in fact, equating feelings with the heart. Clearly, that notion is contradicted directly by what God says - do not trust your heart emotions because they are deceitful and cannot be trusted to lead you.

For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed the evil thoughts, fornications, thefts, murders, adulteries, ... Mark 7:21 (NASB)

Jesus Himself reveals the true condition of men’s hearts. The inner man is not “basically good” but seriously flawed and utterly corrupt, and without the grace of God, will remain so. Since Adam all men and women are sinners by nature and by choice, so it would be accurate to describe ourselves as basically depraved and not basically good (See Romans 3:9-18, 23; 5:10-12).

Proverbs indicates it is folly to trust in one own’s heart:

He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, but he who walks wisely will be delivered. Proverbs. 28:26 (NASB)

Instead, we are to trust in the Lord (and His Word) and not rely on our hearts.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding... Proverbs 3:5 (NASB)

Adapted from The Process of Biblical Change Workbook by Bruce Roeder and Julie Ganschow

Practical Ways to Change

2012-01-06T05:00:00.001-06:00

Frequently, counselees ask me for practical ways to change. Previously it has been stated in this book that all true change begins in the heart. Religiously following a list of “how to-s” will not produce true change it may not necessarily change the heart. It may help a person to become a better Pharisee, but over time their true heart condition will be revealed. The suggestions that follow are a display of the heart that desires to change.

The suggestions that follow are a display of the heart that desires to change. I recommend completing as many of these practical application items as possible. When applied to the heart, you will benefit greatly!

When a person ceases their love affair with their sin and has begun to view their sin with distain or even hatred, these things are the most effective.

Following are biblical suggestions you can share with those who are looking for practical application:

1. Ask yourself if your thoughts, words, actions, or desires are glorifying to God before you do them.

I suggest making index cards that say, “Does this __________ glorify God?” and place them on your mirrors, books, dashboard, workspace, television or computer monitor. Literally any place that you know you are prone to sin as a reminder of what you are trying to do. This has proven to be a very helpful tool in the early days of change to keep the mind focused in the right direction and to catch one’s self in automatic behavior.

2. Memorize Scripture that specifically relates to the sin that you struggle with.

Writing out these applicable verses on cards and putting them together in a flip chart can be helpful. They are easily portable, fit in a pocket, purse, or book bag and can be used anywhere. Repetition is the most effective way to memorize, so frequent readings of these cards will be very helpful.

How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to your word. With my whole heart I seek you; let me not wander from your commandments! I have stored up your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you. Psalm 119:9-11 (ESV)

3. Think about your thoughts

On the surface this may appear odd, but thinking about what you are thinking about is actually a critical step in mind renewal. Begin by asking God to search you and know your heart.

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life. Psalm 139:23-24 (NLT)

Be comforted in the truth that God is all-knowing. There is nothing that God does not know about you; you cannot shock Him. He knows what is in your heart before you do; He is acquainted with all your ways. God’s desire is that you are aware of the thoughts that must be changed. See also verses 1-4 of Psalm 139.

This request is a sign of humility and submission to Who He is. To ask God to see if there is any wickedness in you indicates your desire to change.

4. Confess your sin to God.

If we say we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and refusing to accept the truth. But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from every wrong. 1 John 1:8-9 (NLT)

Admitting you sin is a sign of the Holy Spirit working within you. Confession is agreeing with God that what you have done is wrong and is offensive to Him. When you know you have done wrong, you are responsible to change your behavior through the renewing of your mind.

5. Try keeping a thought journal.

Initially, this may be a struggle for you. Typically, I receive resistance to keeping the journal, but I tell you it is one of the most effective tools for change. The objections for this activity tend to be along the lines of struggling with putting thoughts on paper, and this is exactly why it is so effective. Those who struggle with automatic behavior are not actively thinking, they are reacting to long-standing habits and behaviors.

These reactions are comfortable for them, and I am often told that the counselee feels awkward putting this on paper. All the more reason to do this project!

I suggest writing down what you are thinking, believing, and desiring in your heart throughout the day, especially during times when you have sinned or want to sin. Then, review the journal and see if you can support your thoughts, beliefs, or desires biblically. The goal in this assignment is to help you see your thoughts in an objective manner. See if you can find Scripture that contextually supports your thoughts or reveals that you were wrong and sinned. Confess your sin to God, thank Him for His forgiveness, and seek to memorize the verses that speak to your specific sinful struggles to help you overcome them.

6. Take every thought captive

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:5 (NIV)

When you are beginning the process of mind renewal, there are many old thought patterns to be battled with. You cannot conquer your thought-life with traditional weapons; your battle takes place in the unseen world of your mind and heart.

While turning off the TV or leaving corrupting company is a tangible way to do battle, the bulk of this war is internal; and, it is a war.

You must assault your old and sinful thought patterns with the truth of God’s Word. You must capture these thoughts and subject them to biblical scrutiny. Do they pass the test of heart change? Do they pass the test of glorifying God?

The above verse says you must, “demolish arguments (thoughts, ideas, speculations, reasonings, philosophies, and false religions) and every pretension that sets itself up (exalts itself) against the knowledge of God. (amplification added)

This is a battle that takes place in the mind– and you can expect a battle! You may have been living with sinful thought patterns for many years. Is it reasonable to expect your thoughts to rapidly change?

Indeed, some change may come easily; but, some of your behaviors, thoughts, and desires will not be so easily changed (Gal. 5:17).

These two natures are at war with each other; they desire opposite things. The flesh will lead you toward sinful behavior; the Spirit will remind you of what is right and what God desires - obedience that glorifies Him.

This will be an ongoing war until you reach glory.

Where to Look in Adversity

2012-01-05T05:00:00.003-06:00

When faced with adversity, our faith must triumph over our feelings. There is purpose in our adversities; and while we may not totally understand the bigger picture, we can understand that God is using all things to make us more like Jesus.

For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the ﬁrstborn among many brethren. Romans 8:29 (NASB)

When we are faced with adversity, we are tempted to question God’s wisdom. We ask God if somehow isn’t He making a mistake? The apostle Paul, in reﬂecting upon God’s wisdom, exclaimed:

Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments and unfathomable His ways! Romans 11:33 (NASB)

Paul means to say that we are limited in our understanding and our wisdom while God is not limited in any way. God sees the big picture while our view is limited to the here and now. J.I. Packer notes that wisdom is the practical side of moral goodness.

This means that God’s wisdom goes hand-in-hand with God, always making the right call, the right decision—decisions that ultimately bring Him glory and for the beneﬁt of His people.

Great is our Lord and abundant in strength; His understanding is inﬁnite. Psalm 147:5 (NASB)

God is not like us. He has full understanding of all the things we see as variables. He never second guesses a decision like we do. Here is where we struggle. We tend to see our lives as the center of all things and all things revolve around us and our personal happiness. Much of that is the result of how psychology has come to dominate us at the expense of sound theology. God always chooses the course of action that will ultimately bring Him the most glory. That notion runs contrary to the idea that everything is about me and the way I feel about things.

First Corinthians 10:31 exhorts us that in whatever we do, we do all for the glory of God. This is because God is most concerned for His own glory for the beneﬁt of His people.

When we doubt God’s goodness in our adversity and question His wisdom, we question His love for us. Therefore, Paul’s words in Romans 8 seem meaningless.

Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? ... But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. Romans 8:35. 37 (NASB)

Paul knew something about adversity. He knew tribulation, distress, persecution, famine, nakedness, peril, and the threat of the sword; yet he believed we could conquer all these adversities through Christ. He believed this because the love of Christ was real to him and applicable in the midst of adversities. The cross of Jesus Christ is never far from Paul’s thinking. Paul never forgot the wonderment of the cross that Jesus Christ, in a supreme act of love, would die for Him. He counts everything as a loss compared to the wonderment of knowing Christ and Christ cruciﬁed (Phil 3:8-11).

Our greatest need is not to feel better about ourselves. It’s not even the pursuit of happiness. Our greatest need is to be accepted as the beloved—that God would love us ﬁrst in order that we love Him. If we think about all the possible adversities in life, all the potential calamities, they all pale in comparison to the terrible calamity of eternal separation from God.

(Taken from The Process of Biblical Change Workbook by Julie Ganschow and Bruce Roeder)

Living Tired

2012-01-04T05:00:00.000-06:00

The title of today's blog post probably caught the eye of some of you who are looking for help due to chronic fatigue. We do live in a fast-paced world that demands limitless energy. Our weekends are no longer used for relaxation and rest, they are used for shuttling children to numerous activities, smashing in all the household chores we have no time for during the week, and worst of all; office work that we did not finish in our scheduled working hours.

I cannot deny that the electronic gizmos that bring us conveniences like internet anywhere also have become a curse that make us accessible constantly and at any time of the day or night. As I have been out and about over the Christmas shopping season I was amazed at how many times I saw people standing in the store device in hand sending or replying to a message of some sort. There are days when even I think there is seemingly no escape from work and responsibilities. (Putting up a "Do Not Disturb" message only seems to get me more messages of people asking me what is wrong!) I believe we are simply worn out from over working our minds and our physical bodies.

The relationship issues that plague families today also take a huge toll on our well being. So many people living in destructive life situations, ungodly marriages, and tumultuous family dynamics add an enormous emotional burden into the mix. If you are like me, there are times when an emotional burden weighs far heavier and is more exhausting than many physical ones would be. Compounding the problems is the lack of solid biblical teaching in most churches and the lack of pastors offering truly biblical counseling for the issues that plague their flock, leading to unresolved spiritual issues. Christians find little help or hope in the methods of the world. Looking at all these factors it is no wonder that many people are living tired.

Let me ask you, has the constant tiredness, weariness and fatigue caused you to turn toward God or away from Him? Do you find yourself turning to escapism (food, excessive entertainment, fantasy), or drug or alcohol use instead? Have you become a grumbler and complainer? Are you full of self-pity and woe?

Have you decided that there must be something wrong with you for you to feel this way? In my years in the medical field I have seen many, many people who doctor shop looking for the one specialist who will tell them what is wrong with them. They eat up hundreds of hours of time and run up tens of thousands of dollars in bills as they search for that diagnosis. Now, don't misunderstand me; when a person is ill they should seek medical care! However far too many people have nothing physically wrong with them causing their fatigue and weariness.

We are both material and immaterial beings. The material part of you is all that can be physically touched, and the immaterial is everything else. The immaterial is your mind, will, emotions, feelings, soul, desires, thoughts, beliefs, and so on. When it is determined that there is no physical problem with the material part of you, the only alternative is a problem in the immaterial or spiritual part of you. This is the domain of the Spirit of God and explains why methods focused on treating the body (psychotropic and other medications, therapies) don't work. It is not primarily a physical issue, it is a spiritual one.

Would it surprise you to know that Jesus also suffered with fatigue and tiredness? While Jesus did not suffer fatigue for the same reasons many of us do it is important to know that He also struggled with tiredness, weariness, physical weakness, and had to deal with relationship issues that sapped His strength. Jesus lived in human form so He completely understands the things we suffer and struggle with in our humanity.

Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Heb 4:15-16 (NASB)

Please understand that the Lord Jesus Christ is not looking down on your fatigue and weakness, He sympathizes with you and knows your need. When Jesus was weary and burdened He went to the Father, and you can too.

You may be thinking that my "cure" is too simplistic to work. Perhaps God is too busy to be bothered with your problems and cares or maybe you have tried that in the past and it just didn't work for you. If these are your thoughts, then I would say that we have hit upon a problem larger than the daily fatigue you live with. It is possible that God has allowed this issue into your life to expose some sinful thoughts, beliefs, and desires that have been lurking in your heart. He intends to use the fatigue as a vehicle to expose and uproot them!

What is going on in your heart as you struggle with fatigue? Are you wishing to just get better? Are you angry that you feel like this all the time? Are you envious of others who seem to have limitless energy? Are you resentful that you cannot fulfill your daily desires? There is nothing wrong with wanting and desiring these things, but your response to being denied reveals what is going on in your heart.

It is when we are denied what we want that our heart reveals what and who we truly worship. We are so prone to wandering away from the Lord in our affections and our desires are so strong that we develop attachments to things other than God and they become our objects of worship. They become our idols.

Is it possible you have made relief from fatigue an idol of your heart? If so, there is only one biblical response to recognizing it: repentance and confession. Turning away from worshiping the false god and turning toward worship of the true and living God.

As you turn toward Him, you will find a renewed desire to pray for His will to take over your life. You will find yourself praying as Paul did, asking God to display His power in the midst of human weakness.

Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me. And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Cor 12:8-10 (NASB)

As your heart is changed toward worshiping God there will be changes that begin to take place in everyday life. Others will see that you are no longer fixated on "the cure" or your fatigue but that you are focused on honoring God and giving Him glory even in the midst of your tiredness. You will find contentment in your circumstances and hope that despite human frailty you can and will accomplish all that God has determined you will do in life. He will be living His life in and through you to those around you.

Your character will be refined in the process and you will become a living epistle to others who struggle and suffer. They will find help, healing, and hope in Christ as they watch you overcome! It begins with recognizing that you need to examine yourself, ask God to examine your heart (Ps. 139:23-24) and then confess with repentance the idols that live there. Seek His wisdom and direction through His Word and begin to lean heavily on His strength when yours fails you.

Sin Shall Not Be Your Master

2012-01-03T05:00:00.001-06:00

Last time we met here I left you in a pretty hopeless place. I hoped you would come back to learn the rest of the story; I am glad you did! If you didn't read the previous post, I would suggest you do before you continue here.

If you are a person who realizes you have been living in pride and rebellion you may be wondering what you are supposed to do now. You understand that overeating and binge-eating are sinful. You also understand that these are primarily heart issues, or issues of misplaced worship. You have come to worship your desires rather than worshiping God. You also understand that as a Christian you have to repent.

It is not enough to change the behavior of sinful eating patterns. You have tried that and while you had success for a while it just didn't stick! There has to be change at the heart level and that is something you cannot accomplish on your own. Thankfully, because of the completed work of Jesus Christ on the cross you do not have to try. When you became a Believer you were empowered by the Holy Spirit of God. He is your strength and He has enabled you to experience change at the heart level that will aid you in the process of repentance.

Even so consider yourselves to be dead to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Romans 6:11 (NASB)

You are dead to sin. Jesus broke the power of sin in your life, what are you doing with that freedom? Are you making excuses for why you continue to overeat or binge? If so, then your belief system needs an overhaul because your mind is not living in your present reality of freedom.

You have continued to live as though you were a slave to your sinful desires, a helpless victim of fate and nothing is further from the truth! You must decide to live the new life you have been given in Christ.

The new life is centered around worship of God over self. Your new life in Christ makes it possible for you to say no to using food to comfort and console yourself. You have been enabled to worship God and Him alone. If you struggle with this let me ask you; are you spending enough time putting God's Word into your heart? Are you meditating on the Truth? Are you acting on that truth? Are you refusing to worship your own desires when they conflict with what you understand to be God's desires for you?

Are you staying away from situations that you know will be too tempting for you to bear up under? I frequently talk with people who have Diabetes and I am amazed at how many tell me the reason for their high blood sugar is they just couldn't stay out of the candy aisle or the all you can eat dessert buffet! That is a path that leads to death and failure. Put this away from you!

that, in reference to your former manner of life, you lay aside the old self, which is being corrupted in accordance with the lusts of deceit, and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and put on the new self, which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth. Eph. 4:22-24

To live in the victory that you have been given you must take seriously the words of Ephesians 4: 22-24, lay it aside. Lay aside your sinful food desires. Your desires for food will not lessen with time because your sinful heart is never satisfied and it will continue to deceive you into thinking all is well with you because you are "not as bad as some people."

Be renewed in the spirit of your mind. As has previously been said, repent of your rebellion and pride and begin to look at your eating habits the way God does- gluttonous and sinful. Remind yourself of the truth of your freedom in Christ (Romans 6) and that you are not obligated to indulge the sinful heart anymore (1 Cor. 2:16).

Put on the new self. Live what you are training yourself to think and believe. Live out the Scriptures with respect to how you eat, what you eat, when you eat, how much you eat. Become honest with yourself and others about the sinful rebellion you have been living with. Not just that you overeat or binge eat, but the sin that motivates you to do so. Sin hates exposure so don't expect this to be easy! Be willing to be vulnerable and transparent with others and share your struggles with them. You have no idea what encouragement can be found from listening to someone who desires to honor God tell of their struggle to do so!

Believe that you are already victorious! No, this is not some happy, feel-good tagline. If you look at it that way then I encourage you to revisit the Gospel! You are victorious because of the Gospel, because you are in Christ.

Go forward in grace and in truth!

The Annual Resolution Cycle

2012-01-02T05:00:00.002-06:00

For the heavy drinker and the glutton will come to poverty... Proverbs 23:21 (NASB)

Here it is, another new year and if you are like so many millions of people you have made a resolution to stop or start something. We tend to like to initiate new behavior patterns at the beginning of the year because it is such a definite point in time.

One of the things people resolve for the new year is with respect to health and fitness. So many people are determined to lose weight, exercise, and be healthier starting on January 1. They buy fitness plans, diet pills, gym memberships, and weight loss shakes all with the intention of making it stick "this time." It is sad to see that for the majority of those who begin with such strong resolve, relatively few make it past the end of the month before returning to their old habits.

Food is not like alcohol or recreational drugs, we cannot live without it! Food is a part of our culture and is used for more than just nutrition in our lives. The eating of food is involved in celebrating and mourning, to alleviate boredom, to avoid doing something we don't want to do, and for medicating emotions. It is often used as one would use a drug, in hopes that it will make problems go away. In the case of the habitual over-eater or binge eater, food has lost its original purpose which is to nourish the body, and it has become an object of worship. This is evident by the lengths they go to to obtain it, and the habits that have developed around eating it.

I have counseled women who are frighteningly overweight, yet their thoughts are consumed by food. They go through several drive-thru's a day seeking to fulfill their heart's desires. Some eat in the car between stops, and others hide out to eat it all in privacy fearing the judgment of their family or co-workers.

Many people have described their relationship with food as a form of bondage. What they began controlling is now controlling them. Food has become their master, and they are its slave. These women describe it as a love-hate relationship; their food intake is causing all manner of havoc on their body and they hate that. Diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease and all the other aches and pains that come with being overweight are a part of their lives but that does not deter their eating habits because they love the pleasure and comfort they get from food.

Everyone who commits sin is the slave of sin. John 8:34

I am familiar with the worldly belief of addiction to food. Psychology labels people who overeat or binge-eat as food addicts. However, overeating is called gluttony in the Bible. Gluttony is such an ugly word and conjures up all sorts of unpleasant pictures in the mind, doesn't it? Nevertheless, it is the word God uses to describe what we do when we make food the object of worship in our lives. Gluttony or overeating is not a diet problem, it is a sin problem. It is a life-dominating sin and it primarily a matter of the heart.

The heart issues that are dominant are those of rebellion and pride. It is rebellion because a person who habitually overeats knows what they are doing, and they are aware they are taking in much more food than their body needs. They understand they are harming their body but because it is so accepted in our culture it is not treated seriously as sin should be. It is so easy to justify because so many people are now overweight and if there is one thing we do it is to rationalize and justify our sins.

Rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft. 1 Sam. 15:23 (NASB)

Rebellion is serious business. Rebellion by a Christian is so dangerous it is rebellion against the Word of God...rebellion against the truth. The only biblical response to rebellion is repentance. However, it is pride that usually prevents people from admitting what they know is true before God so there are no steps taken toward change.

I hate to leave you here today, because this point in the post is so...hopeless! I want to encourage you to return to read the next posting on this topic, it gets better (promise)!

Before I leave you today I want you to know that this topic is one I am familiar with personally. I am not casting stones at anyone, for I live in the same glass house you do. My sin issues might not involve overeating right now, but I am certainly not without sin.

I look forward to sharing the hope with you next time we get together here.

The Lessons of 2011

2011-12-30T05:00:00.002-06:00

For the last post of the year I like to tell you some of the things I have learned over the past 12 months. Here is the final entry for 2011! See you next year! Happy New Year!!!

1. Be Persistent –

This year many of the successes have been due to persistence and perseverance. We received our IRS non-profit after many months of hard work and diligence. I honestly had no idea what I was doing, but by the grace of God and the incredible help of fellow Counselor Rick Thomas I completed the paperwork and our Counseling Center received approval.

This is very important for those we will minister to in the future!

Now may the God who gives perseverance and encouragement grant you to be of the same mind with one another according to Christ Jesus, so that with one accord you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. Romans 15:5-6 (NASB)

2. Be Encouraged

This year I have been surrounded by many wonderful people who have encouraged me in the ministry. They have also become my friends. When I was discouraged for lack of progress they reminded me of God’s faithfulness and at times were a literal cheering section. Our Counseling Center continues to see more people from the community and word about the sufficiency of His Word to address the problems of life is spreading. I end this year very encouraged.

Therefore encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing. 1 Thess. 5:11 (NASB)

3. Be Forgiving

I have continued to learn much about forgiveness in God’s classroom this year. Being involved with worldly-minded people brings many chances to extend forgiveness. I had the most incredible opportunity to demonstrate the grace and forgiveness of Christ that has been given to me. My own unworthiness in being forgiven became glaringly obvious in a new and fresh way (through a complicated set of circumstances) and I found myself in the position to forgive as I have been forgiven.

In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace ⁸which He lavished on us. Ephesians 1:7-8 (NASB)

4. Contentment

The Lord has blessed me with a measure of great contentment in this year. Whereas the beginning of my life here was fraught with strife and difficulty, this year I found contentment in whatever condition I was in. Contentment doesn’t mean I didn’t suffer or have trials, but that in the midst of them I was content. I was able to rest in God and His plan for my life even when things appeared to be out of control.

Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong. 1 Cor. 10:9-10 (NASB)

5. Gratitude

This more than anything else has been the theme of the year for me. I am incredibly grateful for the enormous blessings the Lord has brought into my life this year. I am also thankful for the hardships! Hardships allowed the Christ-life in me to shine brightly as I continued to serve others in spite of difficulties that came my way.

I gained a new daughter-in-law this year, and this too was something to be grateful for. With all the weddings this year we spent a lot of time with our families. I watched my Dad turn 90 and be honored as a WWII Veteran. God is often working where we do not see Him…

My husband and I celebrated 20 years of marriage in February, and in August re-covenanted our marriage on Mt. Evans (at 14,000 feet!) in Colorado in the presence of a few dear friends. He is still my best friend, and I am so very happy and blessed to be his wife.

I am also thankful for my reading audience. You continue to come to this blog to learn about the sufficiency of Scripture to address the problems of life and you are telling your friends to come and check it out too! May the Lord bless you!

Now He who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will supply and multiply your seed for sowing and increase the harvest of your righteousness; you will be enriched in everything for all liberality, which through us is producing thanksgiving to God. For the ministry of this service is not only fully supplying the needs of the saints, but is also overflowing through many thanksgivings to God. Because of the proof given by this ministry, they will glorify God for your obedience to your confession of the gospel of Christ and for the liberality of your contribution to them and to all, while they also, by prayer on your behalf, yearn for you because of the surpassing grace of God in you. Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift! 2 Cor. 9:10-15 (NASB)

What’s next….

2012 will bring some opportunities for traveling. I will be getting some sorely needed input at a conference in February, heading to sunny Florida to speak at a few conferences in March and teaching a women’s conference in Romania this November.

There are several writing projects in the works, and those are slated for completion this year.

Our counseling hours will be increasing both in person and via Skype in the coming months.

I also have some very exciting news that I will share with you in the coming weeks so stay tuned!!

The Question of the Ages

2011-12-29T05:00:00.001-06:00

I am often asked by my counselees, “Why am I here?”

The simple and straightforward answer to this question could change your life: We are here to glorify God.

Glorifying God happens when the focus of life changes from living for my pleasure and glory to living for His pleasure and glory. It demands that my heart change from a “me” centered focus to a God-centered focus.

In order to accomplish this goal, changes must take place. The first change that must take place is in the heart itself. Change requires action on two frontiers: the first is the renewing of the mind through the memorization and internalization of Scripture. In order to know what needs to change from a biblical perspective the Word of God has to enlighten us.

Then we need to take the action step of putting the truth of the Word into practice. Making application of the Scriptures to life is a critical component for if you know the Word and do nothing with it, what benefit is there in that?

For just as the body without the spirit is dead, so also faith without works is dead. James 2:26 (NASB)

Therefore, to one who knows the right thing to do and does not do it, to him it is sin. James 4:17 (NASB)

Putting the Scriptures into practice can involve what Jay Adams calls radical amputation; cutting off anything that leads you to sin and putting it away from you. I know a man who has the television removed from his hotel room before he arrives because the television is a point of stumbling for him. He cuts off his access to the television which is not a bad thing to do. However, if you only stop wrong behaviors how does that affect the heart and in some cases, your eternal destiny? It has to go beyond that!

Remember that I have told you before that the heart that is set on self is focused on what is most important to me, what I want, and what I desire. The heart focused on self might place happiness and what makes me feel good ahead of the needs of others.

These goals reveal the heart of an idolater, and if the desires go unmet the person will often sin in response to being denied. The idolater is also willing to sin to get them what they want. The pursuit of the fulfillment of their hearts desires is more important than the glory of God.

We satisfy the itch of the heart. There is no room for God in this equation.

Getting to the Root of Critical Judgments Cont...

2011-12-28T05:00:00.001-06:00

We continue today examining the roots of critical judgments.

An ugly face of uncharitable judgment is prejudice; believing that because someone is a different gender, race or nationality than you that they are somehow inferior. Some people just can’t stand the reality that we are all from Adam and Noah, we are all one people; red, black, brown, tan, and white. Prejudice says my race or gender makes me superior to you. It is ugly.

A bitter person is also looking for the worst in others. Bitterness is a result or fruit of unforgiveness. We like to justify hanging on to hurts and wounds. Somehow we think we will make them pay by holding on to things. Bitterness makes us hard and callous, and does not hurt them one bit.

I have had more than my share of bitter women in counseling over the past 15 years, and once that hardness sets in, it is so difficult to turn those thoughts around! It becomes habit to always look for the thing to rank on, to be suspicious of, and to nag about. I often challenge the bitter wife to decide when enough is enough. How much more is her husband going to have to pay before she is satisfied? What exactly does he have to do for you to forgive? And you know what? She rarely knows because the bar keeps being raised. When he jumps todays hoops tomorrows will be higher. That is wrong, uncharitable, and unloving.

A lack of love is the ultimate in critical judgments. When there is much criticism there is little genuine love. The one who is criticized is forever trying to earn the love of the other. Always trying to measure up, but never quite making it.

Conversely where there is love, or where love abounds, there is a willingness to let the other person be human, make errors and think the best of them in the process. (1 Cor. 13:4-7; 1 Peter 4:8). Love thinks the best of people. Love thinks that even if things are hard today, next week after he or she has grown some they will be better. Love lets us make mistakes, and blunders and keeps on loving! When that love is all new and fresh, you don’t care if the toilet seat is up- again or the tube of toothpaste is squeezed in the middle or the end! Why is it that these things grate on us so after a while?

Why do we stop believing good about each other so easily? Sometimes it is because they have broken their word to us over and over. We are afraid to trust again because we don’t want to be hurt again.

The radar is on high and we are watching and waiting for anything that looks suspicious. If you have been burned, and someone has violated your trust- husband, child, friend- it won’t be easy for you to think the best of them. But you have to try!

God is eager to help us change and God is the only one who can change us. The unbeliever needs to place their faith and trust in Jesus for salvation first, and then when the Holy Spirit indwells that process of sanctification begins.

Because of Jesus, we are able to not sin. In His death and resurrection he conquered sin, and made available to us the possibility to do so as well! One day we will be free from sin! It won’t be on this earth, but while we are here we are to be ridding ourselves of what we once were (dead in our trespasses and sins) and taking on the characteristics of Jesus Christ. The process of sanctification is becoming more and more like Christ, ridding ourselves of sins like bitterness and jealousy and critical judgments.

Getting to the Root of Critical Judgments

2011-12-27T05:00:00.002-06:00

I trust you were blessed by the celebration of the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ!

I have some further thoughts on the subject of being judgmental. Prior to Christmas I was blogging on the topic of critical judgments. If we are to deal with this problem biblically, we must address the heart. We must get to the root of critical judgments.

You must realize that the main root of these judgments is the sin of pride. Pride tells you that you are better than others. Pride tells you that your behavior is better, that you would never (of course) stoop to doing or saying some of these things you observe in others.

Pride says, “If you want to be good you must be like me, think like me, act like me because I am the model. If you do not think I am the model, I will tear you down; I will cause others to think poorly of you by gossip and slander.”

Pride can also reveal itself in the inclination to believe that “I alone understand the truth about things.” I think that my beliefs, convictions, theology, and doctrines are true, and I look down on anyone who disagrees with me (Gal. 5:26). Many legalistic thinkers fit in this category.

The prideful person may also be very self-righteous. They are never wrong, and even if by some miracle you are able to prove they are wrong they are still right. Admission of being wrong just does not seem to be a part of them. They argue and dig in and rant and rave to prove their point.

Pride leads to the sin of selfishness. It is all about me, all the time and in every way.

Another issue that is related is fear of man (insecurity). They believe, “I must be well thought of!” “I must be the one looked up to.” “I am smarter than you are.”

A person who is not secure in their identity in Christ, or who has lived a life of man pleasing can be critical. The thinking is that the best defense is a good offensive position. This leads them to be attacking in their judgments because they want to get the jump on you.

Jealousy can be another fruit or result. A jealous person will be very critical of others because they do not want others to be seen in a better light then they are. If you recall the story of Joseph and his brothers in Gen 37 they were all insanely jealous of Joseph. They hated him because his father loved him more and treated him differently, and because Joseph had dreams in which he was lord over them. Their pride and jealousy overcame them and they threw him into a pit and left for dead but then as a second thought, they sold him as a slave. The sons of Jacob were jealous and it drove the m to hate their brother.

Did you ever stop and think about self-pity being an aspect of uncharitable judgments and pride? This might sting a little but consider this: a person who struggles with self-pity is thinking in their heart that they should not be treated this way, or this bad thing should not have happened to them. They do not stop to think that by saying that, they are elevating themselves over others. What they are truly saying is that they are too good or important to be in this mess, it should be you because you are only you and not as good as them. Think about that next time you are tempted to be self-pitying…

The next time I will continue with the ugly face of uncharitable judgments, and how to resolve this problem biblically.

The Tradition Continues...

2011-12-24T05:00:00.001-06:00

For those of you who are unable to read the story of the TRUE reason for Christmas. It is not Santa, or reindeer, it is the historical and factual Birth of Jesus Christ of Nazareth. Jesus is the Savior of the whole world.

May you find Him...

From the Bible, God's own Word:
Now in those days a decree went out from Caesar Augustus, that a census be taken of all the inhabited earth. 2This was the first census taken while Quirinius was governor of Syria. 3And everyone was on his way to register for the census, each to his own city. 4Joseph also went up from Galilee, from the city of Nazareth, to Judea, to the city of David which is called Bethlehem, because he was of the house and family of David, 5in order to register along with Mary, who was engaged to him, and was with child. 6While they were there, the days were completed for her to give birth. 7And she gave birth to her firstborn son; and she wrapped Him in cloths, and laid Him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.
8In the same region there were some shepherds staying out in the fields and keeping watch over their flock by night. 9And an angel of the Lord suddenly stood before them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them; and they were terribly frightened. 10But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid; for behold, I bring you good news of great joy which will be for all the people; 11for today in the city of David there has been born for you a Savior, who is £Christ the Lord. 12“This will be a sign for you: you will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.” 13And suddenly there appeared with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying,
14 “Glory to God in the highest,
And on earth peace among men with whom He is pleased.”
15When the angels had gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds began saying to one another, “Let us go straight to Bethlehem then, and see this thing that has happened which the Lord has made known to us.” 16So they came in a hurry and found their way to Mary and Joseph, and the baby as He lay in the manger. 17When they had seen this, they made known the statement which had been told them about this Child. 18And all who heard it wondered at the things which were told them by the shepherds. 19But Mary treasured all these things, pondering them in her heart. 20The shepherds went back, glorifying and praising God for all that they had heard and seen, just as had been told them.
Luke 2:1 through Luke 2:20 (NASB)

Luke and Matthew

2011-12-23T05:00:00.003-06:00

Dear Friends,
I am blessed to be spending time with my Dad and the rest of my family these next few days as we celebrate the Lord's birth this Christmas season. I am posting the Christmas story, compiled from the 4 gospels. Many readers of the blog are from countries that the Bible is not readily available and they do not have their own copy of God's precious Word. Because we cannot have a risen Savior without a birth, I am posting in two parts His story for His glory! Merry Christmas!

26Now in the sixth month the angel Gabriel was sent from God to a city in Galilee called Nazareth, 27to a virgin engaged to a man whose name was Joseph, of the descendants of David; and the virgin’s name was Mary. 28And coming in, he said to her, “Greetings, favored one! The Lord is with you.” 29But she was very perplexed at this statement, and kept pondering what kind of salutation this was. 30The angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary; for you have found favor with God. 31“And behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you shall name Him Jesus. 32“He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High; and the Lord God will give Him the throne of His father David; 33and He will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and His kingdom will have no end.” 34Mary said to the angel, “How can this be, since I am a virgin?” 35The angel answered and said to her, “The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you; and for that reason the holy Child shall be called the Son of God. 36“And behold, even your relative Elizabeth has also conceived a son in her old age; and she who was called barren is now in her sixth month. 37“For nothing will be impossible with God.” 38And Mary said, “Behold, the bondslave of the Lord; may it be done to me according to your word.” And the angel departed from her.
Luke 1:26 through Luke 1:38 (NASB)

18Now the birth of Jesus Christ was as follows: when His mother Mary had been betrothed to Joseph, before they came together she was found to be with child by the Holy Spirit. 19And Joseph her husband, being a righteous man and not wanting to disgrace her, planned to send her away secretly. 20But when he had considered this, behold, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream, saying, “Joseph, son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife; for the Child who has been conceived in her is of the Holy Spirit. 21“She will bear a Son; and you shall call His name Jesus, for He will save His people from their sins.” 22Now all this took place to fulfill what was spoken by the Lord through the prophet: 23“BEHOLD, THE VIRGIN SHALL BE WITH CHILD AND SHALL BEAR A SON, AND THEY SHALL CALL HIS NAME IMMANUEL,” which translated means, “GOD WITH US.” 24And Joseph awoke from his sleep and did as the angel of the Lord commanded him, and took Mary as his wife, 25but kept her a virgin until she gave birth to a Son; and he called His name Jesus.
Matthew 1:18 through Matthew 1:25 (NASB)

Maranatha!

2011-12-22T05:00:00.001-06:00

I am surrounded by all the business of Christmas. My tree is lit, the lights are in the windows, the cookies and candy are ready, the gifts are under the beautiful tree. All day long people have been asking, "Well, are you ready for Christmas?" I have been answering, "Yes, I am ready."

I hope you are ready in the same way I am ready. You see, twenty-seven years ago a very important event took place in my life at Christmastime. I was a very worldly and unhappy person back then. I was in a bad way, a miserable marriage, and loaded down with debt and sins. I used material things and alcohol in an attempt to soothe my empty heart and to fill up the lonely hours of my life. As a result of those very bad decisions my life was a complete wreck and I despaired of living any longer.

I knew who God was, despite my previous attempts to deny Him. I knew believed in Him, and I thought (hoped) I could do enough things to make up for the bad things I had done in my life so at the end I would get to go to heaven. I did not understand much more about God than Jesus had to die on the cross because I was a bad person. I never gave it much more thought than that. I prayed religious prayers, I did my religious duty (when I felt especially guilty) and went to church on Christmas and Easter and even some times in between.

I was encouraged to read the Bible by a friend who had recently "gotten saved." Now, I was pretty sure I didn't want anything to do with that whole business, but I knew I needed something because I thought my life was just not worth living.

As I began reading in Matthew I was fighting for every word because none of it meant much to me. The genealogy was difficult, and the Christmas story I knew...but I kept reading. I was just about ready to quit when I came to Matthew 7.

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. “For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. “Or what man is there among you who, when his son asks for a loaf, will give him a stone? “Or if he asks for a fish, he will not give him a snake, will he? “If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!" Matthew 7:7-11 (NASB)

In whatever mysterious way the Spirit moves upon the heart of a person, those were the words He used to begin the transformation of my heart from one of stone to one of flesh. I recall reading and re-reading them and finding that they were so appropriate for me. I was most certainly evil, and I knew how to give good gifts to my child. I also admitted to myself that I was seeking something, I just wasn't sure what- until that moment.

In just those brief moments of time everything changed. Everything changed! I changed! And suddenly I prayed to God as I never had before, asking Him to save me from my sins, and my feeble failing attempts to be good. I asked Him to give me the Holy Spirit, and to give me the gift of eternal life. I changed in an instant from one who was lost to one who had been found by God; from one who was God's enemy to one who was God's child!

So, yes, yes, yes!! I am ready for Christmas! I am ready for the return of Jesus Christ! Oh come! Oh come Emmanuel! Maranatha!

Common Sense in Judgment

2011-12-21T05:00:00.003-06:00

Do not judge so that you will not be judged. For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and behold, the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye. Matt 7:1-5 (NASB)

When a judgment must be made the above passage tells us 2 things must be done first: First, you must take responsibility for any contribution you may have made to a problem. What is your responsibility here? How have you offended? Have you been clear or could you have been misunderstood?

Second, you must make a diligent effort to “see clearly,” that is, to accurately understand what someone else has done and why he or she did it. See the issue from their point of view. If you were on the receiving end of someone’s judgment, what would you want? Do you wish that others would think good of you, give you the benefit of the doubt? Listen to your side of the story before coming to a conclusion?

You cannot gloss over your own faults, assume facts, speculate on motives, or jump to conclusions about others.

Think of how many conflicts could be averted this way. Think of how many relationships could be salvaged in families, at work, in churches if we would just look for reasonable ways to think the best about each other! Jesus tells us to love one another and treat one another the way we would want to be treated.

But like all other principles in Scripture, we must be reasonable and use common sense when making charitable judgments. The principles in God’s Word are interconnected and one does not stand in opposition to another. There are times in our attempts to be charitable in our judgments we err on the side of blindness to sinfulness. There are limits to charitable judgments. Anytime you have clear proof that something is sinful or wrong you can and must legitimately confront the person. That is the biblical way to handle it.

Giving the benefit of the doubt does not mean that we ignore clear and obvious evidence that things are not as they should be. It does not love and it is not charitable to ignore the brother or sister who is involved in sin. You must still investigate the matter, ask questions and get reliable information about the issue. Then you may come to a conclusion.

I often get women who come for counseling without their husbands. The women don’t want the husband there because they wish to “stack the deck” in their favor. They want to tell me all the rotten things he does without his being there to defend himself.

When this happens, I tell her that while I understand her marriage is not perfect, I cannot listen to her run the guy into the ground. It is unfair to him to allow her to go on and on about his flaws and faults without being there to challenge or correct what is being said about him. I will invariably have the woman turn to Proverbs 18:13, 15 and explain to her that I need knowledge about the situation from both points of view. I want to be able to make a righteous judgment and I can’t do that without all the information. I explain that if I were to form a judgment about her husband without all the information I would be a fool. It would be unrighteous of me to draw a conclusion about him this way.

It would be an un-charitable judgment of this man who I never even met! I point to this final verse- Proverbs 18:17 The first to plead his case seems right, until another comes and examines him. (NASB)

This rather seals the deal with this kind of thing because it doesn’t get any clearer than this. She may sound completely reasonable; have all the right arguments, make a great case for her being a princess and her hubby a real drip. But remember I am only getting one side of the story! If I meet him I may learn all about how princess is really quite the wicked witch at home.

Think about how you would want to be confronted. Approach the person humbly and present the statements you want to make as questions instead of telling the person what they are thinking.

Actively listen to their responses to your questions! You may learn that you are wrong, and that your assumptions were off base. Questions give a person the change to clarify and sometimes they realize that something they did say came across wrong or was unclear. You are giving them the chance, every opportunity to make it right.

If you discover as a result of your questions that what you suspected was correct you will have the opportunity to help the person toward repentance, or to make it right, or do the right thing. (Gal 6:1-2, James 5:19-20).

Charitable Judgments

2011-12-20T05:00:00.001-06:00

Love does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love always looks to righteousness. Love always seeks to find the good and honorable thing about the other. 1 Cor. 13:5-7

We are continuing to look at criticism and judgments of others. One thing’s for sure, neither of these things ended with the recording of Scripture. We make rules all the time that we conclude are biblical because they are loosely based on something we read and have taken out of context. For women, these things are often about dress, hair, or makeup. If I always wear skirts and you don’t I am better than you. If you wear makeup and I don’t then you are not as spiritual as I am. I cut my hair and you don’t so you must be a holier person than I am.

Another area we judge each other is how we educate our children. I can say that I have witnessed those who homeschool being a bit haughty toward those who don’t homeschool. (As a former homeschool parent I can say this with all honesty.) I have seen it and heard it myself. Those who have their children in Christian or private education judge those who put their children in public school. Those who have their kids in public school may judge those who educate their children at home or private school! Please understand that each parent educates their children in the way they think is best. There is no call for judging others on this frontier!

Do you judge the woman who doesn’t return your emails or phone calls? Do you assume they are avoiding you? Do you stop to think they may be ill or been called out of town on emergency? Might they be overwhelmed with responsibilities and just not have the time to call or write?

God wants us to judge charitably.

Instead of being critical in our judgments, God want us to judge charitably. What does this mean? The church has historically used the word “charitable” as a synonym for the word “loving.” This has resulted in the expression, “charitable judgments.” When we are making a charitable judgment we are choosing to believe the best about others until you have the facts to prove something wrong or sinful is going on.

Making a charitable judgment is a loving act. It means you are willing to consider the best about someone rather than the worst. Making a charitable judgment means that you are willing to look at other possibilities or reasons for certain behavior or attitude a person has.

When I was younger my parents used to say “give them the benefit of the doubt.” Choose to postpone judgment if you don’t have facts, and then see if you can get factual information about the situation. As you information gather, be sure and go to the source too. And I might also add- keep the matter between you and those directly involved.

For example, if you are that person who brought an idea to the church leaders that they rejected; rather than assuming that your idea was rejected for personal reasons or because they are just too lazy to consider it, exhibit wisdom and look at the situation from God’s point of view. Search Scripture for passages on the roles and duties of pastoral leadership, how the church body is to respond to the leaders, and then what to do if you have a problem with them. Decide to think the best rather than the worst. See if you can arrange a meeting with the leaders who made the decision and ask questions about their reasons for it.

This is not just being nice; it is an aspect of obedience to God! We are to demonstrate love toward others whenever possible. This is walking worthy of our calling as Christians (Eph. 4:1). Demonstrate humility and gentleness, patience, show tolerance for one another in love, and be diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. Being a peacemaker!

Paul said “Be imitators of me, just as I also am of Christ.” (1 Corinthians 11:1 (NASB)

Paul sought to imitate Christ in his life, and the same is to be said about us. If we are in the process of being transformed into His likeness then our lives ought to show it, right?

Would Jesus judge in your circumstance? Would He assume something was true or would He ask questions (as was His style?) Ironically even when He knew something was true about someone (Judas) how did He treat them? Was He rude, gossipy, and vengeful? No He was not. He said He was here to do the will of my Father, and that means He was not making uncharitable judgments.

Love always thinks the best. This is the essence of charitable judgments.

Criticism or Judgment?

2011-12-19T05:00:00.006-06:00

“Do not judge so that you will not be judged. “For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you. “Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? “Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and behold, the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” (Matt. 7:1-5 NASB)

We began looking at this last time. This subject of judging others is one that bothers and confuses many people so we are taking an extended look at it. As I said last time, we are sure it is wrong to judge, but we are not sure what that means. And yet, we are all aware that it is necessary to judge other people. We find ourselves doing it all the time, sometimes without even realizing it.

It is important to understand what the Bible means when it says we are not to judge others. Are there occasions when it is necessary and right to pass judgment on another person for what he says or does? What must we understand to be biblical in this crucial area?

The first thing we must know is that judging is necessary, but dangerous.

We are called upon to make various kinds of judgments about church and faith related issues all the time. This is less judgment than evaluation of ability and spiritual maturity. When our criterion for this evaluation is biblical it is not judging in the worldly sense of the word.

However, as Jesus pointed out, we have a natural tendency to judge in the wrong way. This is not to say that we should not be fruit inspectors, carefully discerning and evaluating the words and actions of other people to discriminate between truth and lies, right and wrong. When I observe a counselee who says they want change, and they have been instructed in the process of change, yet they continue to live as before, I can reasonably conclude that they may not be truthful.

Sometime we make critical judgments and expect others to conform to preferences we hold that are extra-biblical. Our problem is that critical judgments come all too naturally. In my flesh, I have no trouble deciding what is wrong with people! My family will tell you I can tend to be critical and I have to be careful not to be this way.

This critical spirit comes to us as a result of our sinful nature. A part of the sin package we are born with is a natural desire and tendency to sin. We are hard wired to be critical, judgmental, negative and condemning. We see this revealed throughout the Bible. The Old Testament offers many examples: After the Israelites conquered the Promised Land, the tribes of Reuben, Gad, and the half tribe of Manasseh returned to their allotted land and built an altar by the Jordan. When the other tribes heard about the altar, they assumed the worst and rashly assembled their troops to go to war against their brothers. Fortunately, before a battle began, those who had built the altar were able to explain its legitimate purpose and avoid bloodshed (Joshua 22:10-34).

In 1 Samuel, we read how Eli the High Priest made a hasty, critical judgment of Hannah as she prayed (1 Samuel 1:12-17).

Even King David made critical judgments. David passed judgment against an innocent man (Mephibosheth) and turned all of his property over to a false witness because he did not wait to hear the other side of the story (2 Sam. 16:1-4; 19:24-30).

We also see this pattern continue in the New Testament. When Jesus was doing miracles and healing the blind, the Pharisees stubbornly closed their eyes to the good he was doing and interpreted his actions in the worst possible way, saying that he was actually serving the devil (Matt. 12:22-24).

In Acts 21:26-29, we see that Paul meticulously followed all of the Jewish customs as he prepared to come into the temple. Even so, the Jews assumed the worst, jumping to the conclusion that he had defiled the temple and should be stoned. There are several more I could list, but I think you get the idea.

Our judgment about making judgments is not only impaired toward the negative, we also have a tendency to make mistaken positive assessments! We can be impressed by things we ought to criticize. Paul commented on this to the Corinthians:

For if one comes and preaches another Jesus whom we have not preached, or you receive a different spirit which you have not received, or a different gospel which you have not accepted, you bear this beautifully. 2 Corinthians 11:4 (NASB) (See also 2 Timothy 4:3, Galatians 1:6-9)

Criticism and judgments of others didn’t end with the recording of Scripture. We make rules that we conclude are biblical because they are loosely based on something we read and have taken out of context. We will pick up on this aspect of judgment next time.

Righteous or Unrighteous Judgments

2011-12-16T05:00:00.001-06:00

The subject of judging others is one that bothers and confuses many people. We are sure it is wrong to judge, but we are not sure what that means. Even people who know very little about the Bible are quick to quote, "Do not judge, or you too will be judged” (see Matt. 7:1).

And yet, we are all aware that it is necessary to judge other people. We find ourselves doing it all the time, sometimes without even realizing it.

Have you ever been judged? I have. There have been a few times in my life where people have assumed things about me that were not true. A snippet of this or that plus a fruitful imagination and away we go!

Sometimes the one standing in judgment of you is so self-righteous that you can never measure up to their perfectionistic standards. Other times, things are going on that need attention and no one is willing to step up and address it out of fear of judging someone unjustly or of being accused of doing so.

The first thing we must know is that judging is necessary, but dangerous.

We are called upon to make various kinds of judgments about church and faith related issues all the time. For instance, is a man or woman qualified to be a Bible study teacher or small group leader? Do they have the spiritual maturity for such a position? Is the young man ready to be a deacon, or an elder in the church? Is she ready to lead the women’s ministry or does she need more growth?

These judgments ought to be made. They are less judgment than evaluation of ability and maturity. When our criterion for this evaluation is biblical it is not judging in the worldly sense of the word. Much of what we pass off as biblical criticism is nothing more than critical judgments of things we don’t like about people. This is where judging becomes dangerous. My husband says we tend to think along the lines of “that if I do something you don’t do, that makes me better than you.”

John Macarthur says, “When an individual or a group of people develop their own standards of religion and morality, they inevitably judge everyone by those self-made beliefs and standards.”

We have a natural tendency, as Jesus said, to judge in the wrong way. And He makes it clear in the Matt. 7 passage.

These verses focus on the negative aspect of a self-righteous, judgmental spirit. When our little group develops our own standards of religion and morality, we will inevitably judge everyone by those self-made beliefs and standards. We begin to look for the worst in other people.

What also happens is we stop looking at ourselves, and begin to elevate ourselves above others- we become prideful as we lower our opinion of others.

Yes, this is a very important topic for us to examine. More than I can get in just on posting. More on this next time!

Why Am I Here?

2011-12-15T05:00:00.002-06:00

I am often asked by my counselees, “Why am I here?” The simple and straightforward answer to this question could change our life: We are here to glorify God.

In order to accomplish this goal, changes must take place. The first change that must take place is in the heart itself.

Change requires action on two frontiers: the first is the renewing of the mind through the memorization and internalization of Scripture. In order to know what needs to change from a biblical perspective the Word of God has to enlighten us.

For just as the body without the spirit is dead, so also faith without works is dead. James 2:26 (NASB)

Therefore, to one who knows the right thing to do and does not do it, to him it is sin. James 4:17 (NASB)

Remember, I have told you before that the heart that is set on self is focused on what is most important to me, what I want, and what I desire. The heart focused on self might place happiness and what makes me feel good ahead of the needs of others.

We satisfy the itch of the heart. There is no room for God in this equation.

There is also no room for God in the equation when the only goal of a person with problems is to feel better. So often I find that people make their focus in counseling that of feeling better or happy. Receiving “good counseling” is equated to what they feel like emotionally during the counseling process. They believe that if their emotions are good, then counseling has been successful.

This is a tragic mistake! What I hope to help the counselee to see is that these desires to feel happy or good are what lead them to sinful actions and attitudes. With happiness as the motive, all too often the problems that brought them to counseling reappear and their sorrow deepens to hopelessness because the goal of the counseling is off-base.

Yes, the goal of all discipleship counseling is change, but not change in circumstances or change in feelings. The goal of biblical counseling and discipleship is heart level change that brings about a life that glorifies God. This means God’s priorities become our priorities; and these changes in priority take place in the inner man before they are evidenced in behavior.

Radically Changed

2011-12-14T05:00:00.001-06:00

Do not be conformed any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Romans 12:2 (NKJV)

Before we can change what we do, we have to come to believe or think differently, and that requires a renewing of the mind; in essence, a change of heart. We have to begin to believe that some of the things we think about, desire and do are sinful. Then we have to want to change those things and we have to want to be changed.

Furthermore, we have to understand that we cannot change ourselves. We cannot think enough positive thoughts to change our heart; we cannot be propped up with enough positive self-talk or self-esteem to be changed.

The only way a person can truly be changed is by the Holy Spirit as He makes known to us the Word of God. The Word of God must be read and engrafted in the heart.

As the Word is read, the Spirit makes it alive in us. Our minds are changed by what is read, our hearts are changed by what is read and as our heart is changed we begin to experience a desire to change our actions.

Unless the desire to change comes from within, from the heart it will not last. Unless the change is based on the Word of God it is humanistic and temporary. We can see this in the failure of the multiple methods of the self-help movement.

When mind change begins to take place we see our sin differently. We begin to see it through Godly eyes and our heart is grieved by the things our flesh desires. We realize there are some things that must be eliminated right away because they do not glorify God. In addition, the consequences of continuing in these habits of the heart can be devastating.

If your right eye makes you stumble, tear it out and throw it from you; for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body, than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. If your right hand makes you stumble, cut it off and throw it from you; for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body, than for your whole body to go into hell. Matthew 5:29-30 (NASB)

Do you understand that certain problems must be dealt with radically? Of course, I am not advocating self-mutilation or self-harm. The point I am making is that the alcoholic, makes a commitment to cease drinking and remove everything from his or her life that tempts them to drink. It can also mean a commitment to detoxification and the cleansing it provides.

For the pornography user, it means safeguards and accountability for computer usage. It may mean driving a different way home from work least one is tempted by the adult video stores on the former route.

This is called Radical Amputation and it includes doing whatever it takes to stop the destructive behavior. Of course you must also understand that the reason you desire to sin it in the first place is that the heart is wicked. What guides and motivates our heart is what will change our actions and the resulting fruit. When our heart is set on pleasing “self,” our thoughts and actions are not naturally going to be like God’s.

When our thoughts, beliefs, and desires are set on glorifying God, there will be appropriate actions and God-honoring consequences.

But now you must be holy in everything you do, just as God-who chose you to be his children-is holy. For he himself has said, “You must be holy because I am holy.” 1 Peter 1:15-16 (NLT)

The first and the great work of a Christian is about his heart. Do not be content with seeming to do well in “outward acts” while your heart is bad, and you are a stranger to the greater internal heart duties. Practicing holiness brings glory to God. Glorifying God should be the goal of our life.

After the Gospel- Of Next Importance

2011-12-13T05:00:00.001-06:00

Other than the Gospel, there is no greater message for me to carry to those who desire to make changes in their lives than the message of heart change for life change.

What I teach those in our training classes is that the more comfortable the counselor becomes the greater the temptation to use your own wisdom in “ministering” to the counselee. I want to remind you that we cannot do this and expect to counsel biblically because we have no wisdom of our own, at least little which is worth having.

Our counsel and our wisdom must come from the Word of God for it is the authority for the Christian; it is what sets us apart from our secular counterparts. The Word reminds us of our low position and His lofty one; as we study and apply it to our own hearts and lives we experience changes that enable us to give hope of change to others.

When helping a person in the process of change, the most critical aspect of change is showing a person the importance the heart plays in life and in behavior. If we are to impart any wisdom to our counselees it has to begin with the understanding that the heart of man is wicked beyond all understanding.

We strongly believe that the only way real true change will take place in a person’s life is through the change of heart. We cannot offer a person any means of change other than that which takes place in the heart and mind.

Attempts at behavior modification may be effective either in the short or long term for some people, but unless the person comes to believe in their heart that change needs to take place the change will not stick.

The Bible has much to say about the heart. Over 500 times the Bible speaks of the heart, so it must be important! Interestingly enough, it does not use today’s fluffy emotional terminology to describe the heart. In many cases the Bible uses thought provoking imagery to lead us to understanding and right conclusions about the heart.

Look at this verse:

As in water face reflects face, so a man’s heart reveals the man. Proverbs 27:19 (NKJV)

What does this mean? As water acts like a mirror and shows what we look like on the outside, the heart reflects and reveals what we are like on the inside. This is news to many people and scary news at that!

Jesus said, “The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.” Luke 6:45 (NIV)

“But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make a man ‘unclean.’ For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.” Matthew 15:18-19 (NIV)

For my purposes here today, I am going to look at the evil that comes from the evil stored up in his heart, how the mouth is the revealer of the heart, and how we can gain much insight from these truths.

Whether you realize it or not, listening to what a person says will give you a huge clue as to what is going on in their heart. Because heart change is centered on conviction by the Scriptures, we must look to God’s view of the heart found in Jeremiah 17:9:

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it? Jeremiah 17:9 (NKJV)

Because of this great propensity toward sin we are able to deceive even ourselves as to how wicked we are. Have you ever stopped to think about what that really means? We like to comfort ourselves with self-deception that says we aren’t really all that bad. We don’t think of ourselves as a Charles Manson, a Jeffrey Dahmer, or an Aileen Warnol. None of us are mass murderers or prostitutes; we have not done anything on par with those kinds of people.

But we have all, every one of us- been angry enough to want to kill someone. We have committed murder in our hearts many times over (Matt 5:21) in our anger and rage.

You may not put yourself in the class of Hugh Hefner, or Larry Flint, but anyone who has ever lusted after someone has been equally as immoral in their heart as they are in their actions. Actions, by the way, that reveal what fills their heart.

If this surprises you, it shouldn’t. A person with a proper theology of man will understand that the heart is evil and wicked. (The problem is that so few have good theological teaching anymore!) The deceptiveness of the heart is what helps us to deny that we are “that bad” and helps us to lie to ourselves about how good we are. It helps us to think of ourselves more highly than we ought to think of ourselves. It encourages us to be prideful and self-serving and self-indulgent.

Is it any wonder that we struggle with heart change?

To add to all this, the deceitful heart is bent on satisfying “me,” having my own way, living life for my pleasures, with “me” at the center of my universe. If we are honest with ourselves, we may see that we have some of the sin habits found in the following passage:

But the things that proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and those defile the man. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, slanders. These are the things that defile the man... Matthew 15:18-20a, NASB

And, if we are honest with ourselves, we will begin to realize we tend to minimize our sinful heart attitudes. This leads to some of them becoming respectable sins as Jerry Bridges says. Angry outbursts and gossip and lies become non-issues in the heart, so they become non-issues in the life.

So as we read Jesus’ words, we see our biggest problem lies within our own heart. Even after salvation, the basic nature of the human heart is still self-willed and blind to its own corruption and propensity toward sin. We describe ourselves and others as having “a good heart” but honestly nothing could be further from the truth!

The heart of man is unbelievably wicked and sinful; to such a great degree that we are unable to determine how bad it really is because it lies to us! It is like the color black trying to discern how black it is. The heart is where greed and envy and love of self are located.

Our heart’s are set upon pleasing self above all.

Truth Paths to Change

2011-12-12T05:00:00.001-06:00

Have you struggled with an inability to change certain behaviors? I know some people who try to change their behavior through attending 12-step or other support groups. I would also say that there are others who try going to church and becoming involved there. Many achieve a modicum of success or abstinence for periods of time but eventually return to their old behaviors.

They become frustrated with themselves and their inability to “stay in recovery” and some will say things like, “(blank) didn’t work for me.” Unfortunately, some include God in their failure.

You must realize that no “self-help” program will change the heart; all they do is teach you how to modify your behavior, but that is only going to bring about temporary or temporal change.

We have the ability to make a mental decision to abstain from habits. The person who bites their nails, overeats, or spends money, indulges in sexual immorality, drugs or alcohol and stops by a force of their will white-knuckle flies.

The change in behavior will last only as long as resistance to the flesh holds out. It is sometimes described as white-knuckle flying; hanging on for dear life to “recovery” and always waiting to fail.

But once the self-determination to abstain gives in, and the desires of the heart take over, the change is finished and the behavior resumes despite all the good intentions the person started out with.

This is because the heart is desperately wicked (Jer. 17:9) and we are incapable of changing our own hearts.

Only the gospel of Jesus Christ understood and applied to the heart can begin that change! The repentance that takes place in the heart of change must come from a conviction that the activity a person is involved in does not bring God glory.

It is important to understand here, that the change in the behavior of the immoral person is not necessarily the goal; the goal is to understand that sinful behaviors come from a sinful heart, and this does not glorify God.

“The chief end of man is to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever.” Westminster Confession

Change must in every case, cease to be about “me” and become about God and His glory! This must happen in the inner man before it is evidenced in behavior. Repentance comes as the heart is affected. We see this is true because where there is no heart change there is no repentance.

Oswald Chambers says this, “Conviction of sin is one of the rarest things that ever strikes a man. It is the threshold of an understanding of God…conviction of sin, the marvel of forgiveness and holiness are so interwoven that it is only the for forgiven man who is the holy man, he proves he is forgiven by being the opposite of what he was, by God’s grace. Repentance always brings a man to this point: I have sinned. The surest sign God is at work is then a man says that and means it. Anything less than this is remorse for having made blunders, the reflex action of disgust at himself.”*

*Oswald Chambers My Utmost for His Highest

Born to Worship

2011-12-09T05:00:00.001-06:00

"What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means! How can we who died to sin still live in it?” Romans 6:1-2 (NASB)

We were born to worship. We have been created to worship God, but our sinful lusts have driven us to worship and idolize the things of the world. Anything that means more to you than God does, is idolatry.

If the things and people you hold onto are intended to meet your needs and make you feel better they may be idols of your heart. Many of our desires are not wrong but they can become idols because they often come to mean more to us than living life to glorify God.

A simply definition of idolatry is when you are willing to sin to get what you want.

Are you willing to sin to get relief from pain, to be happy, or to attain any of the other feelings mentioned above? If having your felt needs met has become so important to you that you are willing to violate God’s Word to have them, then you have crossed the line from desire to worship.

You will know that your desires have become idols when you think on them so often, and desire them so deeply that the focus on them leaves no room for worship of God. Your focus is concentrated so much on gratification of self that being gratified is all that matters to you.

The person who is described as having a sexual addiction is really an idolater. Their self-focused desire is fed by ads in magazines, on billboards, and on television that leads them to believe it is not okay to feel sad, unhappy, or “bad.”

When someone with an addiction of any kind comes to us we help them to see that what they are really dealing with is an issue of idolatry. This gives them hope right from the start because we are not telling them they have a medical disease that cannot be cured or something they need a pill or some sort of treatment for, they have a sin problem!

We are always quick to remind them that Jesus died for sin, even theirs. There is no unforgivable sin, and while some of their activities have been very unsavory their sins are not beyond the grace of Jesus Christ.

The person who struggles with idolatry of any kind must have a heart that is affected by the gospel for change to take place.

A gospel –centered approach to sexual immorality is all about change! The heart must be completely affected by the gospel and changed by the Word of God. The person must be willing and the heart must be willing to repent for there to be victory over sexual sin.

On the basis of who we are in Christ, we can stop any talk of continuing to live as a slave to sexual sin, and excusing sexual sin. Because of Christ and who we are in Him we are to live that position, and practice personal holiness of the heart that overflows into our actions.

If a person desires to continue to live in sexual sin, and they don’t desire to honor God then they don’t understand the gospel! They don’t understand that it is impossible for a person who understands their identification with Christ and IN Christ to live as a slave to their desires any longer (Rom. 6:3-14).

Since Christ was sinless and took our sin debt upon Himself and then placed His righteousness upon us, He has abolished all the claim sin ever had on us.

This also means that in this union with Christ we have a new life- His life and we are capable of manifesting HIS righteousness. We won’t have righteousness of our own, but we have HIS righteousness and His power and His ability to live as though we are dead to sin, and alive in Christ!

We have no excuse to live under the dominion of sin when we understand the gospel, for we are all ABLE to reveal the new life within us that we have in Christ.

Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body that you should obey its lusts, and do not go on presenting the members of your body to sin as instruments of unrighteousness; but present yourselves to God as those alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God. (Romans 6:12-13).

Those who are in a situation either as a participant in sexual immorality, or as the spouse or parent of someone who is, you already know you cannot successfully threaten, beg, or plead with them to change.

The reason behavioral therapy for sex addicts fails is because there is no change of heart. You can tell a person how to change all day long, and for a while the person may be able to control their urges. But unless the heart of the person is completely affected and changed by the Word of God and repentance is applied to the heart for change, there will be no victory over sexual sin.

The thoughts of the sexual idolater must change from my wants, desires and lusts to, “How can I glorify God?”

They must retrain their brain to ask questions like, “How would God have me respond to these thoughts and desires I am having?” and “How would God be glorified in my heart and life in spite of how I feel right now?”

And we are instructed to turn from godless living and sinful pleasures. We should live in this evil world with self-control, right conduct, and devotion to God, while we look forward to that wonderful event when the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, will be revealed. Titus 2:12-13 (NLT)

Therefore, my beloved, flee from idolatry. 1 Corinthians 10:14 (NKJV)

Dear children, keep away from anything that might take God’s place in your hearts. 1 John 5:21 (NLT)

The Heart of Sexual Idolatry

2011-12-08T05:00:00.000-06:00

For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age… Titus 2:12-13 (ESV)

A person who is involved in fornication (sex outside of marriage) has the same problem as everyone else involved in sin- a heart that is focused on self. The heart of a fornicator believes that their physical needs must be met, that because they have a sex drive and it is “awake” that it must be satisfied.

The old line, “if you love me you will” is often spoken by the manipulator who is only thinking of themselves. The other person, usually a girl will want to prove her love for him and go along with it. She doesn’t realize that he is not thinking of her at all, he thinking only of himself.

In this age, women also pressure men for sex and the peer pressure on them to be sexually active is immense so we cannot paint with a single color anymore.

The heart set on self doesn’t care what the Bible says or what they learned in church about purity. They are discontent to wait for marriage and want what they want when they want it. Fornicators are taught to believe that everyone is doing it, that no one is abstinent anymore and it is unrealistic to think that two people can have a relationship that does not include sex before marriage. They buy the lie that there is no hard in fornication because they are going to be married anyway so what's the harm?

I would suggest to you that a man who is willing to violate his morals and pressure a woman to fornicate- well he might not be the best choice for a godly husband or leader.

The heart of the adulterer is also set only on themselves. Their beliefs and desires are about fulfilling their perceived needs and having their selfish desires met.

Simply put- it is all about them.

They may proclaim they are not in love anymore or are confused and in the process throw out the window the covenant they made before God. There is little to no thoughts of the One Another’s of Scripture, and how to live for their spouse; their life is centered on, “What can you do for me?”

Often the adulterous heart is confused and stormy. They are seeking peace and comfort in another person and they may find it temporarily but it is not long lasting because unless the heart changes, these same thoughts, beliefs and desires will come back again.

Are you seeing the pattern here? All these hearts we looked at are run by the god of Self.

The sexually immoral person is an idolater. Each of us struggles with the horrendous sin of idolatry on a daily basis. As Galatians 5 tells us, idolatry is a desire of our sinful nature. It is reflected in our choices; our words, our use of time, what or who we spend our money on, and where we spend it.

There is no coincidence that Gal 5:19 lists sexual immorality, impure thoughts, eagerness for lustful pleasure right off the top. They are thoughts, beliefs, and desires that spring out of idolatry.

When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, your lives will produce these evil results: sexual immorality, impure thoughts, eagerness for lustful pleasure, idolatry, participation in demonic activities, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, divisions, the feeling that everyone is wrong except those in your own little group. Galatians 5:19-20 (NLT)

Idolatry is not only bowing down to statues, it is anything that means more to you than God does. It is manifested when getting what you want has become more important than what God desires for you. Anything that you love, desire, or serve more than God is an idol of the heart.

We were born to worship and we have been created to worship God, but our sinful lusts have driven us to worship and idolize the things of the world.

More about that next time.

Sexual Immorality- A Matter of the Heart

2011-12-07T05:00:00.001-06:00

Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. 1 Cor. 6:18 (ESV)

The number one topic plugged into search engines that leads people to the blog is sexual immorality of one kind or another. How about this for a shocker- immorality is not just for men any more. Women are also struggling in growing numbers with many of the same issues men do, and for the very same reasons.

These are matters of the heart.

Why is it that some people are not gripped by all sins to the same degree? What separates us? What makes one person what the world calls an addict, and the other a casual consumer? One day, science may have an answer, but to date there is nothing scientific that proves there is anything medical going on inside the body of an addict that makes them different than anyone else. What each of them has in common, is that their actions are revealing what is going on inside, in the inner man, what the Bible calls the heart.

Many Christians involved in sexual immorality genuinely want to stop. They know it is wrong, and when they are not tempted they want to stop. They also are disgusted by their behaviors when they are able to think about them objectively.

They have periods of what I call white knuckle flying- they determine not to connect to the internet, or pass by that store on the way home from work, or they disconnect their cable TV.

These are certainly a part of what needs to be done, but these actions address the fruit of the problem, the end result of what is really a much deeper issue, because sexual immorality is an issue of the heart. The heart is the biblical word used to describe the inner man. The heart is the immaterial, non-flesh part of you that includes your thoughts, beliefs, and desires, mind, feelings, intentions, will, and emotions.

The person that struggles with sexual immorality and sexual sin is revealing what is going on in the control center of their life. When a person is involved with sexual immorality, it is because their heart is focused on themselves.

“The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good; and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart.” Luke 6:45

"But the things that proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and those defile the man. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, and slander.” Matthew 15:18-19

When a person indulges in sexual immorality it is because their heart is focused on having their perceived needs met. The heart is set on self, getting what “I” want, doing what feels good to me, and fulfilling my desires. The thoughts, beliefs and desires are the most important thing to them, and for the one who struggles with sexual sin, their thoughts are focused on gratifying their immoral desires, or lust.

The motives are to satisfy their desires, and they believe they must do this. Their thoughts flow along the lines of I must satisfy this ache, this longing, and I also believe I am not hurting anyone in this process.

Depending on my upbringing, I may also believe that pornography and masturbation are ok and acceptable solution to meet my needs. All that is important to them is to have these things met and whether they realize it or not, they are placing the desires of their own heart above everything else.

When a person begins to live for the desires of their own heart a cascade of sin begins to take place. When the desires obeyed are those involved in sexual immorality we can easily see the results. Little thought is given to the damage there are doing to their conscience in this process.

All that seems to matter is satisfying the lust of the flesh.

Romans 1 is about refusing to honor God as God and the consequences of unrighteousness and ungodliness. In context, it is applicable to the unbeliever; however, we can still watch the same downward spiral take place in the lives of believers who indulge in various aspects of sexual immorality.

• They did vile and degrading things with each other’s bodies

• They deliberately chose to believe lies

• Acted on shameful desires

• Women indulged with sex with one another

• Men burned with lust for each other did shameful things with other men

If you think these activities are not going on among Christians, especially teens and young adults you are mistaken. While God never abandons the believer, He does allow us to experience the consequences of our behaviors. Even in the area of sexual immorality.

Having counseled people who were involved in an immoral relationship they inevitably say to me that they can’t believe what they have done. That they never thought they could sink so low. The heart that is focused on self does not set out to be so depraved, but as my sweet husband says, “Sin always takes you farther than you ever want to go.”

These actions that you see are results. They are not the cause of the problem; they are what flow over from the heart of man into their lives. Every perverted and immoral action began as a thought, the thought was fueled by a desire or a belief, and the desire or belief began in the heart.

There is more here than can possibly be said in one post. I will continue next time.

Sexual Sin and the Christian Woman

2011-12-06T05:00:00.003-06:00

Sex is a wonderful gift from God- what is sad about a post like I am writing today, is that I am attempting to undo damage already done in some respects.

Some of you have been touched by sexual immorality. You may have been involved sexually before you were married with your spouse or someone else. You may be someone’s victim, you may have developed lust issues through straight out pornography, romance novels, soap operas or an overactive thought life. Your husband may be involved in pornography, or maybe YOU are.

You might also be uncomfortable here, wondering if you will be exposed or if what I say will hit too close to home. Be assured that I don’t intend to glorify sin, or gross you out or sensationalize the things I will say here. You need to know what I am going to say today.

Unless you live in a cave there are things you and I as Christian women are going to have to face. We live in a highly sexualized culture where women are often treated as objects of sexual gratification. I have seen the effects of this in my counseling office and among people I know and love.

Sexual sin is pervasive and invasive. If it were a person, it would not care about your income, race, color or creed. Sexual sin is a captor and it takes hostages. The more informed you are the better you will be able to do battle with it.

God designed and “created” sex- Gen 2:18-25. Adam finds Eve and notices she is his perfect counterpart. She was created to be like him but different. There was no shame between them and there was no covering for their bodies. Their love before the fall was pure, and sweet and rapturous. They reveled in each other’s bodies and that is the way God intended it to be.

Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth. As a loving hind and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; Be exhilarated always with her love. Proverbs 5:18-19

We only need a few verses in Song of Solomon to understand that what is being detailed for us is the intimate union of a man and woman. The sexual union is intended to represent the intimate relationship between Jesus Christ and the church, between God and mankind (Mark 10:7-9, Matt. 19:6, Eph. 5:25-33).

God repeatedly says two are one flesh. Our physical union is to reflect the oneness God and man are to have in Christ. God’s intention for sex: The sexual relationship is primarily for the creation of children (Gen 1:28) and yet humans are created with an ability to enjoy this act.

We are encouraged to participate in sex often and we are told in Scripture by God Himself that it is to be enjoyable (Prov. 5:19). God was apparently so determined to get that message across that He wrote an entire book of the Bible about it (Song of Solomon).

In fact God designed us so well that our desire for the pleasure of sex is to be met by our spouses frequently to avoid sinning!

The temptation for sexual sin is enormous particularly in our western culture where sex is used to sell everything – hamburgers, tires, beer, and hot wings only to name a few things. Paul understood this temptation a few thousand years ago when he penned 1 Cor. 7:1-4. Refusing sex with your spouse will cause incredible tension to build in him physically, and weaken his self-control. In our society where pornography is so easily available on television and just a click away on your family computer many husbands have found their physical release while viewing these illicit images.

I have counseled many women whose husbands have succumbed to the lure of pornography and I can tell you this is a devastating blow to any marriage, even when the wife is disinterested in sex! It is a blow that can be avoided by satisfying each other’s sexual needs. While he is totally responsible for his own actions, often it is the refusal of sexual intimacy that has played into his falling into this sin.

The sexual union of a husband and wife is also the most beautiful representation of the relationship Christ has with His Bride, the Church (Eph. 5:31, 32). This is one reason that Satan has made sex a primary target in Christian marriages. Anything he can do to spoil this most glorious and intimate picture is good for his purposes.

The sexual relationship reminds both husband and wife that they do not belong to themselves; they belong to each other (1 Cor. 7:3-4). This is another area when women struggle. It is a part of the curse God placed upon woman kind that we desire to rule over our husbands (Gen 3: 16).

We recoil at the idea that anyone would own us, especially in this “enlightened” age of feminism. The idea that we should have to submit our bodies to another person is in some cases horrifying to us. Our heads have been filled with the lies of feminism that tell us that we can do as we choose with our bodies, (“My body, my choice”) forgetting that we have been bought with a price (1 Cor. 6:20) by the precious blood of Christ and we do not have the biblical right to say we can do as we please with our bodies.

Our enemy, the devil has taken this beautiful picture, this one flesh relationship and perverted it. His perversion of the sexual relationship is not accidental, it is intentional. He chose the most accurate and intimate portrayal of Christ and the church and has turned it into filth, smut and a mighty profitable business.

Now that we have God’s viewpoint on some of the reasons for sex, next time we will turn our attention to other areas of mind renewal.

The Dangers of Teens and Sex Part 3

2011-12-05T05:00:00.001-06:00

We spent the last few postings looking at the difficult subject of teen sexuality and the dangers it presents to them. If you have a teenager, I cannot stress enough how important it is that you do not hide your head in the sand and assume that the teens you know are not sexually active. Even Christian teens are tempted to have sex, and many are succumbing to the temptation.

Many if not most of our churched kids understand that normal sexual intercourse is off limits, and they are willing to abide by this rule. It does not mean however, that they are abstaining from every form of immorality (1 Thess. 5:22). There is a disturbing trend that has developed among Christian kids in the area of sexuality; it is the idea of “technical virginity.”

What you may not know is that our nice churched kids were listening carefully when a certain prominent politician asked for clarification on the definition of the word “is.” They do not always see “sex” as sex in the traditional understanding of the word. They consider alternatives to intercourse to be something other than sex and they are much more comfortable with those alternatives to intercourse than you may be too. So what this means is they are engaging in all the other forms of sex – and the statistics confirm that.

In 2003 the Kaiser Family Foundation reported that 25% of sexually active teens report that oral sex is a strategy to avoid intercourse and more than 2 in 5 do not consider it to be a big deal.[i]

Pardon me for speaking truth here, but the really scary truth is that today’s teens are not repulsed by anal sex or mutual masturbation. In fact, both of these are considered legitimate and acceptable alternatives to intercourse, and today’s teens believe that they technically remain virgins even when engaging in such behavior. Their goal is to get to the marriage bed technically a virgin. When that happens, they are considered a success story.

In reality, the Bible refers to all sexual contact outside of marriage as immoral. There are no technical passes in God’s plan for human sexuality; any sex outside of marriage is pornea (the Greek word from which we get our word pornography), immoral, and ungodly. None of this is acceptable for God’s people.

Consequences abound for violating God’s commands regarding sex. There are significant emotional dangers for children and teens that become sexually active or are pressured to be. Remember that despite their bravado these are just kids and don’t be fooled, boys are no more equipped for the emotional rollercoaster of sexuality than their female counterparts are; they just disguise it better.

Teenage sexuality leads to emotional distress. In a majority of these sexual encounters, there are no “relationships” behind the sexual acts. You might be astonished at the reality behind movies such as “Friends, with Benefits.” Teens get drunk or high at a party and “hook up”. They attend a prom or school dance and the expectation is they will have sex afterward. They are glammed up to look like movie stars, society expects them to have sex, and they are taught that everyone does it. And they are not emotionally ready for it.

A teenage girl may withdraw and become depressed or angry when she becomes sexually active. If she has been brought up in a home where morality is valued, or where she has been taught to cherish her virginity giving it away while young and unmarried can bring tremendous feelings of guilt and shame and loss. Sexually active teens will often describe themselves as having feelings of self-contempt and worthlessness.

Teens are already experiencing a confusing array of emotions from the hormonal bomb that is going off in their bodies and when sexual activity is added to these emotions it only makes those feelings more intense and confusing.

Has anyone stopped to consider that the exploding rate of teenage depression is related to teenage sexuality? The connection of sex and depression in teens is circular. Some teens have sex because they are depressed; others are depressed because they have had sex. Some use it as an escape from other unpleasant aspects of life, and others want to escape the sexual cycle they are in.

Some teens have described their use of sex as a sort of drug, numbing their minds, filling a void or hurt in their lives even if it is only for a short time. Many teen girls describe a desire to be “loved” and think they are meeting that emotional desire through sexual activity.

Teen girls who have sex are usually very disappointed at the experience. When teens have sex outside of marriage they are experiencing the physical aspects of oneness. They do not experience the spiritual side of oneness because fornication is a sin, and what they are doing is not biblical.

Sex becomes a pass time, a social event and loses its sacred specialness that God intends for it to have. The truth is that teens that become involved in immoral behavior are wounded beyond words.

[i] Sexual Health Knowledge, Attitudes and Experiences (Menlo Park, CA: The Henry J Kaiser Family Foundation, 2003)

The Dangers of Teens and Sex Part 2

2011-12-02T05:00:00.001-06:00

There's more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, "The two become one." Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us lonelier than ever—the kind of sex that can never "become one." There is a sense in which sexual sins are different from all others. In sexual sin we violate the sacredness of our own bodies, these bodies that were made for God-given and God-modeled love, for "becoming one" with another. Or didn't you realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit? Don't you see that you can't live however you please; squandering what God paid such a high price for? The physical part of you is not some piece of property belonging to the spiritual part of you. God owns the whole works. 1 Corinthians 6:16-18 (The Message)

Today I am continuing a look at the dangers of teenage sexuality. This is a problem even among teenagers professing to be Christians. Adults would be fools to think that Christian young people are not tempted to become sexually involved with one another.

We are to be wise to the ways of our households. As an older woman I am charged with teaching younger women how to love their children. Part of loving them is protecting them from harm and at times, teaching them about things we would rather ignore and pretend doesn’t exist or apply to us. This is one of those areas that make us cringe just a little bit.

However, I take my responsibility to you seriously, and so I continue to inform you about the dangers of teen sex.

In the 1990’s the term “safe sex” became the mantra for those promoting sex outside of marriage. They touted the condom as the answer to safe sex of all kinds. Teens could have sex and not worry about getting a disease by using a condom. The reality is, even if a condom is used perfectly, 100% of the time there is a 2-4% chance it will break or slip. Condoms are best for reducing the exposure to HIV but not effective in combating other sexually transmitted diseases (STD’s).

Think of your State’s College football stadium. Statistically, 1 in 5 of the cheering kids (at least) in the stands has herpes. Every 3^rd girl has Human Papilloma Virus (HPV), and 1 out of 10 girls have Chlamydia.

If we left only those with an STD in the stands and took out the healthy ones- the stands would still be nearly FULL! You need to know that STD’s are not a single epidemic; the CDC (Center for Disease Control) considers it a multiple epidemic of at least 25 diseases- nearly 50 is you count all the various strains of the virus groups. Nearly a quarter of a million teenagers are diagnosed with PID every year as a direct result of the spread of STD’s and public health officials are now beginning to see antibiotic-resistant strains of some STD’s that could formerly be cured.

In the year 2000, 61% of young people infected with HIV were women between the ages of 13 and 19.

15-20% of all young men will be infected with the herpes virus by the time they are 18, and statistics reveal that 50% of all students in grades 9-12 have had sexual intercourse. Among that group, between 12 and 20% have had 4 or more sexual partners in their young lives!

How scary is this: If a 17 year old boy has sex with 4 girls by his Senior year in high school, and his girl has also had sex with 4 boys in her high school years, they bring the sexual histories of 15 people into bed with them.

Let’s say that same boy has sex with 8 girls throughout his teenage years (conservative by some estimates) and that girl has had sex with 8 boys in her young lifetime, they are exposing themselves to the sexual history of – are you ready? 255 people. If those same 2 teens have sex with 12 people each, they will each bring an astounding 4,095 sexual histories into their next sexual encounter.

Many STD’s are transmitted despite the use of barrier contraceptives like condoms. Birth control is NOT disease control. By promoting easy access to contraceptives and abortions we have seen the rates of sex explode and it has caused an epidemic of STDs and teen pregnancy and unwed parenting.

Condoms have been promoted as the only birth control method to stop disease and they don’t work. Many infections can be spread from any sexual contact, on hands, mouths and skin.

An FDA brochure on condoms and STDs says the following in answer to the question, “Will a condom guarantee I won't get a sexually transmitted disease?” “No. There's no absolute guarantee even when you use a condom. But most experts believe that the risk of getting AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases can be greatly reduced if a condom is used properly.

How “safe” does this sound to you? The bottom line is, sex with condoms isn't totally "safe sex," but it is "less risky" sex.

Is that the goal for our teens? Is our biblical goal "less risky" sex? I should think not! Next time we will look at some disturbing trends among our Christian teens.

The data for this posting was gathered from numerous sources, including:

America’s Youth: Measuring the Risk, 4^th ed. Washington, D.C.: The Institute for Youth Development, 2002

“Young People At Risk: HIV/AIDS Among America’s Youth.” Center for Disease Control and Prevention. National Center of HIV, STD, and TB Prevention. Internet online. www.cdc.gov/hiv/pubs/facts/youth.htm

http://www.fda.gov/oashi/aids/condom.html

http://www.hhs.gov/news/press/2001pres/20010720.html

Sexual Health Knowledge, Attitudes and Experiences (Menlo Park, CA: The Henry J Kaiser Family Foundation, 2003)

Kara Joyner and J. Richard Udry, “You Don’t Bring Me Anything But Down: Adolescent Romance and Depression.” Journal of Health and Social Behavior 41 (2000) 369-391

The Dangers of Teens and Sex Part 1

2011-12-01T05:00:00.003-06:00

There are many dangers to a young person’s becoming sexually active. The ones parents freak out about the most are AIDS and pregnancy. Somewhere on their mental list is the STD and with the marketing of such drugs touted as preventers of cervical cancer and herpes there is a mistaken view that if we could just eliminate the possibility of getting a disease or pregnant than we could relax some.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

I am going to give you a little anatomy/biology lesson here about why the young body is not ready physically for sexual activity. You need to know teen sex is happening among those in your child’s school.

Half of all students in 9^th through 12^th grade have had sexual intercourse. And of those having sex, between 12 and 20% have had more than 4 or more sexual partners in their young lives.

This is harmful in a variety of ways. Physically there are some pretty significant differences in the body of a teenage girl and an adult woman on the outside and on the inside.

For example, you can see the difference in the external skin of a teenager and a woman in her 20’s. The older woman’s skin is tougher and harder and more difficult to penetrate and so it is resistant to viruses and pathogens where the teen’s skin is softer and more pliable and is more vulnerable to the same bacteria. The internal skin of an adult woman is also more resistant to virus penetration than a teenagers is.

The female reproductive organs also have some significant differences that cause a younger woman to be at a higher risk to disease in sexual activity. There are differences on a cellular level with respect to sexual organs, there are immaturities in the internal “construction” of the female anatomy, and the fluids inside the teenager’s body are different than those of an adult woman. These immaturities in the teenager’s body seem to lead to a much higher infection rate and because many of these diseases are not diagnosed, they have a greater risk of Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (PID).

The early onset of puberty creates significant problems for girls. They are still little kids in their emotions and thoughts and they are being confronted with changes in their physical bodies that expose them to things they are not ready for whatsoever!

A 7 year old girl is (or ought to be!) still thinking about playing with dolls and is not thinking about all the things being a “woman” requires.

Girls who physically develop early are often made fun of, or worse yet, they may become a target of other girls who would be jealous or consider her a freak, or boys who would want to take advantage of their bodies and naiveté. One reaction to such teasing and taunting is that the girls begin to realize the effect they have on boys. Some young girls have increased sexualized behavior both flirting and enticing the boys. They realize this gives them tremendous power. They become objects more than people, and use their bodies in attempts to gain acceptance.

There are dangers in sexual activity for teens.

When Your Shame is Your Honor

2011-11-30T05:00:00.004-06:00

So God abandoned them to do whatever shameful things their hearts desired. As a result, they did vile and degrading things with each other’s bodies. They traded the truth about God for a lie. So they worshiped and served the things God created instead of the Creator himself, who is worthy of eternal praise! Amen. That is why God abandoned them to their shameful desires. Even the women turned against the natural way to have sex and instead indulged in sex with each other. And the men, instead of having normal sexual relations with women, burned with lust for each other. Men did shameful things with other men, and as a result of this sin, they suffered within themselves the penalty they deserved. Romans 1:24-27 (NASB)

We have been observing the "Occupy" events with some curiosity. While this is not going to be a political statement of any kind (although I assure you I have an opinion) I wanted to comment on some of the things I see taking place in the theater of the Occupy movement.

Sexual assaults, theft, vandalism, homicide, graffiti, public urination and defecation, destruction of private and personal property are just some of the reported incidents taking place among those who are occupying these tent cities that have sprung up all over the country.

However, this weekend something I saw really put me over the edge. It was an article about how the pornography folks are capitalizing on this by pitching a tent in the middle of a protest camp and filming a gay porn flick. Combining this most recent event with other reports of promiscuity in these camps I was compelled to reflect on the Romans 1 passage above.

The passage is evidence of the downward spiral of society when God turns people over to the wicked desires of the heart. The phrase "God abandoned them" strikes terror in my heart, for I cannot imagine anything more frightening than that. This phrase is actually a judicial term that means that "God gave them up"- He surrenders them to their lust and desires of the heart to do what it is they want to do. He removes any desire for restraint, He counts them as loss.

It is clear to me that there are those in our society who have become filled with every kind of wickedness and depravity in their heart, and are now acting out in ways that once upon a time would have been abhorrent to the average American. There is no new sin under the sun of course, but what continues to astonish me is the acceptance of depravity in the public realm.

Women who are adulteresses, strippers and common whores used to be secretive about their harlotry. They would hide their faces in shame from the general public. These days it is another "community." Homosexuals and so-called transgendered persons are also lauded as brave and courageous for their activities. There are reality television programs where men and women select their mate from a house full of "dates" and promote gross immorality as each "date" is given a trial run sexually before a decision is made to pledge their "love" for that person in a prime time event.

What Scripture says about us as a people is frightening:

And just as they did not see fit to acknowledge God any longer, God gave them over to a depraved mind, to do those things which are not proper, being filled with all unrighteousness, wickedness, greed, evil; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, malice; they are gossips, slanderers, haters of God, insolent, arrogant, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, without understanding, untrustworthy, unloving, unmerciful... Romans 1:28-32 (NASB)

Where is the outcry against such immoral activities? Where are those with common decency in the media? Instead of condemning such filth they applaud and promote it and society eats it up like poisoned plums. More to the point, where is the church? Several religions have come out in support of all these activities and lifestyle choices. There have been denominational splits over the position some church leaders have taken.

and although they know the ordinance of God, that those who practice such things are worthy of death, they not only do the same, but also give hearty approval to those who practice them. Romans 1:32 (NASB)

Where is the outcry of the Reformed and Regenerated? The silence from the people of God is in most cases deafening. Have we lost our collective voice or are we too intimidated by their rage to confront their sin? Has the Church gone soft on sin and determined to be passive and neither approve or disapprove in order to keep its members? Perhaps if we call it "a mistake" or an "error in judgement" we can fool ourselves into thinking God doesn't care if we are involved in this fight or not. If so, the Church is only fooling herself.

Those to claim to be the Church had better represent Jesus Christ, and represent Him righteously.

For we (Elder's) are God’s fellow workers; you (Church) are God’s field, God’s building...each man’s (Elder's) work will become evident; for the day will show it because it is to be revealed with fire, and the fire itself will test the quality of each man’s work. 1 Cor. 3:9,13 (NASB)

In other words, how have the Elders of the Church built up the church? Have they built with truth and righteousness or have they built with mealy mouthed doctrines of men? It is one or the other...it cannot be both...Despite any protestations to the contrary, when your shame is your honor there is no place for God in your life or in your church.

Unwilling Leadership

2011-11-29T05:00:00.002-06:00

Several times a year a woman will come for counseling because her husband refuses to lead in the home. Her complaints center around things like he won't help with the finances, he won't discipline the children, he won't make leadership decisions for the family.

She is very frustrated and angry with him because no amount of gentle prodding or suggestions have helped. He has not picked up the clue phone, despite its constant loud jangle in his ear.

What a wife can do in such circumstances is first to pray that God would give her a quiet and content heart with her husband. Dissatisfaction breeds discontent, and where there is discontent anger and bitterness grow.

One question I ask is if she has willingly placed herself under the authority of her husband (Eph. 5:22-24). What I have seen in many of these marital cases is that the husband has tried to lead in the past, he has tried to make decisions and discipline the children and the wife refuses to follow his lead! Often she badgers him and reminds him of his failures in past leadership. She countermands each of his decisions, questioning and berating him until he gives up and does it her way. This sort of critical spirit will lead a man to give up.

A wife must encourage her husband to reclaim his rightful leadership position in the marriage and the home, despite her fears about his abilities to do so. One way she can do this is to consult him in all matters and tell him, "This is a suggestion as to how we could handle this, but we can do whatever you think is best." He may refuse to make decisions at first, but over time as he sees your willingness to follow his lead he may begin to reassert his leadership.

In spite of such actions the husband may still choose to abdicate his God-given position and responsibility. In such a case the wife will have to make the decisions that are the wisest and the most biblical course of action. Even when a man refuses to lead, a wife can still glorify God in her life, and respond in ways that honor both God and her husband (1 Peter 3:4-5).

Another question I ask a wife is if she prays for her husband regularly. Praying the prayers of the Bible is a wonderful way to begin if you don't know how to pray for him. A passage like Colossians 1:9-14 would be a place to start. You can even substitute his name for the pronoun where appropriate. Pray Ephesians 5:23 for leadership, 1 Peter 2:2 and 3:18 for him to develop a deep desire for godly things.

Consider this, does your husband know how to lead? So few men are taught to be godly men and godly leaders as they are growing up. With so many female only households there is no male influence in the lives of boys these days. Boys are not taught how to be men so as you pray for your husband, ask God to bless him with a godly man to come into his world and teach him how to lead his family. One excellent book that I suggest is The Exemplary Husband by Stuart Scott. It is a wonderful primer on the subject and the book we most often use in our counseling center for this purpose.

There is much more on this subject than I could ever cover in the blog... To close this topic for today I want to remind you wives, regardless of your husband's response to the challenge of leadership you are responsible to love and respect your man. You can still do both of these things and God expects you to! Continue to be his friend, lover, and companion to the degree he will let you. Be a loving and submissive wife and helpmeet and God will be honored and glorified in your life.

The Blessings of Hardships

2011-11-28T05:00:00.001-06:00

"we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance..." Romans 5:3 (ESV)

I don't know anyone who clamors for hardship or difficulty in life. Most of us want to get through our days skating pleasantly along on the smooth surface of ease. when we sense hard times in the wind we immediately begin to ask God to take them away and restore us to peaceful tranquility.

I would count myself among those who have uttered such prayers. I dislike trouble as much as the next person does but I maintain that it is in our hardships that God does His very best work on our hearts.

Those times when life is just so hard are what bring us back to our Bible reading and frequent times of prayer. We desire that closeness with the Lord and want to take comfort in the words of Scripture, knowing that He is always at the ready to hear us. Sometimes, we chastise ourselves because we realize it takes such trials to bring us back to that place of dependency.

we so often humbled in hardships. They cause us to look within and it seems that only then can we discern exactly how far we have wandered off the path of righteousness. I think there are those who are amazed as they look back and realize with grief and sorrow the crooked paths that lay behind them. Paths that are often marked by pride as they thought they were oh so smart in their own eyes. Paths that have ruin and destruction along the borders from relationships they have damaged, and opportunities lost for glorifying God.

Humility is a blessing that comes from difficulties in life that place us under so much pressure we think we cannot bear up under them. The strain that accompanies them leads us to cry out for mercy and help from the Almighty. We are humbled as a result of this. We recognize how foolish we have been to attempt to work out our own plans and sidestep those God has for us. Our hearts are opened up and we are blessed to see the muck and mire that our selfish, prideful hearts contain; areas that we so carefully attempt to blockade from being exposed to the Light.

Oh what blessings come from difficulties! I see in myself a much greater appreciation for the Word and its guiding force and hand in changing my heart after such storms have passed. I am grateful for everything my life contains in those times. I see so clearly the mercy and grace that God has lavished on me, and I see His infinite patience with my stubborn foolishness. A time of thanksgiving bursts forth in my spirit and I cannot help but to proclaim his goodness!

Rejoice in your hardships and be encouraged in your difficulties for God is hard at work in the chambers of your soul. He is painstakingly removing the imperfections from your heart and creating places of worship and thanksgiving as you are being transformed by the renewing of your mind.

10 Things For Which I am Thankful

2011-11-24T05:00:00.001-06:00

1) I continue to revel and marvel at the grace of God extended to me at the cross. The cross is my greatest blessing.

2) Our counseling center allows me to minister in person to people who are hurting. By God's grace we have served many people this year.

3) Our local church allows us to operate out of the building at no cost to us. Their generosity toward us has been outstanding and we are very blessed to be associated with the wonderful preaching and teaching ministry there.

4) The blog is gaining faithful readers every week. The goal of this blog has been to educate and minister to women around the world with truth and the application of biblical principles to the problems of life.

5) I have been blessed to connect with other biblical counselors through the organizations I am associated with, and as a result, many of the blogs have been promoted outside of my normal reading audience. This is not for my personal glory, but for the glory of God.

6) God has blessed us with wonderful friends who love us and care for us.

7) He has brought gifted women to serve in the counseling ministry along side us. They labor for Him as an offering and their labors are many. They are our eyes, ears, mouth and hands when and where we cannot be.

8) My family is healthy and whole. My children are well and employed.

9) I am the wife of a loving, kind, and gentle man. I have been richly blessed by him for over 20 years. He is the love of my life, my Always and Forever.

10) I am thankful for you. You come daily or often to read what God places on my mind to tell you and teach you about Him. If you stopped coming to this page, I would stop writing it.

I hope and pray I am a blessing to you in some small way. I pray you find help, healing, and hope in these postings. May God bless you.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Do You Love Me?

2011-11-23T05:00:00.001-06:00

I have a friend who for a period of time doubted the love of God in her life. Small things would happen that were not a part of her plan for the day and she would wonder aloud, “Don’t You love me God?”

Have you ever been there? Have you been in the midst of some difficult circumstances and wondered if God loves you? Or, have you ever believed that you sinned so greatly that God could never love you or accept you? Some of you have, I know.

What would you have to see or experience to realize this love? How about a day where everything goes right, or an extra paycheck or bonus shows up in your mail slot? For multitudes of people the gauge of God’s love are the circumstances in their lives. If things go well then God loves them and is pleased with them. If things go badly then God is somehow displeased with them, especially if things go wrong for an extended period of time.

I once went through a horrible time of conflict and thought that God was done with using me in ministry as a result of it. I was very, very sad at this thought but wanted what God wanted for me and for His church. I did not realize that I was questioning God’s love for me in the midst of all that grief until I was asked to participate in the Christmas service by reading the Word of God to the congregation. I was simply overjoyed at the privilege of being asked to share the very Word of God on Christmas and vividly recall hanging up the phone and with shouts of joy and tears saying, “You do still love me! You do still love me!”

Until that moment I did not realize I doubted Him. I also did not realize that my beliefs were in conflict with the truth of Scripture. I did not realize what an insult such thoughts and beliefs truly are. Listen, when you are tempted to think such thoughts ask yourself this, exactly how much more would God have to do for you to show you that He loves you? What more this there than death?

For while we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will hardly die for a righteous man; though perhaps for the good man someone would dare even to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:6-8

I repeat, what more can a person do for you to show you His love than to die for you? We makes heroes out of men who jump on train tracks to rescue a little child and rightfully so! What about one Man who provided a way of rescue for every man woman and child ever born? What else could He possibly do to persuade you of His love?

Jesus is enough! His death was enough to prove the love of God for us my friends. His death was sufficient to secure our salvation. His death was enough to secure our life. His death was proof of His love as on that day for the first time ever in all of eternity God turned His face away from His own Son. (Matt.27:46)

But the LORD was pleased To crush Him, putting Him to grief; If He would render Himself as a guilt offering… Isaiah 53:10

God did not spare His own Son in any respect in this death. Jesus’ death was not private as His betrayer’s was. (Matt. 27:3-5, Acts 1:18) It was not a simple hanging in a deserted place or a neat and orderly affair, it was a bloody, messy, vile affair that was public; and every stripe was intentional, every drop of blood spilled was accounted for.

In his book Grow in Grace Sinclair Ferguson says, “When we think of Christ’s dying on the cross we are shown the lengths to which God’s love goes in order to win us back to Himself. We would almost think that God loved us more than he loves His Son. We cannot measure His love by any other standard. He is saying to us, ‘I love you this much.’”

Carefully read Isaiah 53 today. Spend some time meditating on the great love that God has shown us in Jesus Christ. Put away the childish notions that worldly things are evidence of His love and favor and instead think on things that are true (Phil 4:8)

“Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13

Reflections on Changes

2011-11-22T05:00:00.001-06:00

God is interesting. The way He deals with me is always beyond my understanding, and I am grateful for that. He allows me to try to find every way possible out of a jam or situation and He just seemingly sits back, arms folded across His chest (I imagine a big smile on His face) and waits for me to be done exhausting my options... and myself. He already knows the answer, had the solution from eternity past.

I continue to pray, "Tell me what to do..." and as I pray I try to figure it out myself.

When I am out of options I must rely on nothing other than Him. I have nothing but prayer, and faith, and His faithfulness to me. What a wonderful place to be! I can trust Him because I know He has a plan, He is aware, and He is fully in charge of whatever the thing of the moment or day is. He reminds me that HE knows the end from the beginning and that no matter how it looks to me, He sees infinitely more than I do.

I can see how God is faithful to keep me close to Him, and to keep my focus on Him. I so desire to bring Him honor and glory through my trials! I so desire to be all about Him, and I can see how easy it is to lose sight of that goal. But yet, as an observer of my own life, I can still see Christ. I can see Him working and moving and changing me. I am thankful.

I know my trials are not done, I have not yet made the finish line. I want to have completed the course by the time I am done in this life. I want God's objectives to be completed in me.

My hands are still open, and I am still holding on loosely. I want it to stay that way. I have had pretty much unwavering confidence in God's ability to do something with these worldly messes, and He has been faithful. There are more hurdles lying ahead yet, more trials and difficulties. God has a plan for them too, I am confident! He is VICTORIOUS!

He always wants me to remember that I need Him, that I am nothing without Him, and even though I may plan and strategize the "best" way ~ultimately my life is His- hidden in Christ and He will do with me what He wills... and that He will always bring glory to Himself.

Our Finest Gift

2011-11-21T05:00:00.002-06:00

"Our finest gifts we bring pa rum pa pum pum, To lay before the King pa rum pa pum pum..." Song lyric, The Little Drummer Boy*

Christmas is on the way! Often lost in this frenetic season is the meaning of Christmas, which to the Christian is the birth of the Savior Jesus Christ. For many people their non-working hours are spent decking the halls, baking cookies, shopping and listening to the never ending Christmas music that began on November 1 (much to my dismay).

One of the traditional favorites carols is The Little Drummer Boy. With its simplistic lyrics and timeless tune it is easy for young children to learn. It is a portion of the lyrics that I would like to focus on today.

For a little background, and to set the stage I will remind you that Matthew (Chapter 1, 2) & Luke's Gospel (Chapter 2) recount the circumstances surrounding the conception and birth of the Lord Jesus Christ. The Luke passage explains to us that Jesus was not born in a palace or even in a shack, he was born in an animal shelter or what we would call a stable. It was most likely a cave cut into the face of a hillside.

The Magi (Wisemen) were eastern magicians or astrologers. Scripture does not enumerate them, and it is tradition that leads us to conclude there were three of them. If you follow the account of these men in Scripture it is likely that Jesus was already a toddler by the time they found him in Bethlehem. They most certainly did not attend to Him on the night of His birth. They arrived in Jerusalem after Jesus was born, and questioned everyone they met as to where "the King of the Jews" might be.

When Herod got wind of this, he gathered together all the chief priests and scribes, called for the Magi to meet with them to discuss their quest. Herod also met secretly with the Magi and then sent them on their way to Bethlehem. All of this took quite a bit of time to accomplish. In addition there was time needed for the Magi to gather the supplies for these journeys. The Magi traveled in a large caravan and while the journey was short to go down to Bethlehem there were many preparations that needed to be made.

When they arrived in Bethlehem the Child Jesus (he was 2 years old or younger) and His parents were living in a house. They presented Him with gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh (Matthew 2:11). It is here that we finally get to the meat of today's posting.

The Magi were Gentiles, and so it is significant that they brought gifts that were fit for a Jewish king. Jesus was a King, the King they had learned of from the Hebrew Scriptures. Each of those gifts had a significance that the givers did not understand, but a careful student of Scripture will see that the gold represented His Kingship, the frankincense was for His High Priestly ministry as God, and the myrrh was used in burial and signifies suffering. These gifts signify the purpose of the King's birth and look forward to His earthly ministry and His sacrificial death.

The gifts you and I give to others at Christmastime are representative of the gift of God to us in His Son, Jesus Christ. If the Drummer Boy were a real character, he would have brought his finest gift to the Lord. I am sure that if you and I were alive and aware of His birth we would also have brought Him our best.

The real gift's we bring are not fine, but in fact they are the reason this King was born. We often forget at Christmas that the sole reason Jesus was born was to redeem sinful mankind from sin! We get all wrapped up in the Christmas story, the manger, the animals in the stable and how tragic it was that our Savior was born there. We forget that Jesus was born for one purpose- the cross.

No, we have no "gift" to bring to the manger that is of any significance to Jesus other than our sinful selves.
He never needed the gold or frankincense, both treasures of the world and certainly worthy of being presented to any king. He did not come for any other treasure than humanity. Sinful, lost and wandering sheep that are foolish and will walk right off a cliff if given the chance. He came to redeem us from our sinfulness and transform us into people who bring Him honor and glory.

Do you know Him? Have you met the Savior through the Word of God and His Holy Spirit? This time of year people tend to think more spiritual thoughts and yearn for something deeper than the gifts under the tree. Consider that these yearnings may be the stirring of your soul by the Lord God of the Universe. He may be preparing your heart to bring your finest gift to Him this Christmas, that of yourself.

*"The Little Drummer Boy" Katherine K. Davis, Henry Onorati, Harry Simeone, 1958, Lyrics.com

Dealing with Memories Part 2

2011-11-18T05:00:00.003-06:00

There are several psychologized methods used to deal with our memories, and none of them is found in Scripture or is remotely Biblical. What they are is a form of slavery to the one who participates in them!

The Biblical view of the past is very different! First, you have to realize, believe, accept, and understand that regardless of what has happened to you God has freed you from your past. Hallelujah! God has freed us from the past!! This should make us all jump up and shout!

Some of the most encouraging words in the Bible are found in 1 Corinthians 6

Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, 10nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God. Such were some of you; but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in the Spirit of our God. 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 (NASB)

There was a time when some of us were just like the first part of that passage above, but now your sins have been washed away and you have been set apart for God. You have been made right with God because of what the Lord Jesus Christ and the Spirit of our God have done for you.

Do you truly understand what the bolded portion of the passage above means? Do you understand that regardless of what you were before you were saved, regardless of your prior sinful habits, you have been changed.

But remember that the temptations that come into your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will keep the temptation from becoming so strong that you can’t stand up against it. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you will not give in to it. 1 Corinthians 10:13 (NLT)

I find this tremendously encouraging! The Bible which does not and cannot lie, tells you and I that we are not slaves to our past, and we have been freed from the power that sin had over us in the past! Obviously, we are not perfect and we will still sin as this is part of the progressive nature of the maturing we undergo as Believers. Although we still sin, our relationship to those sins is now different.

Now you are free from sin, your old master, and you have become slaves to your new master, righteousness. Romans 6:18 (NLT)

We are not in bondage to our sinful selves; we were formerly not able not to sin. Now we have a choice. We have been freed from that sin master, and now are servants of righteousness. If you have been told or counseled with the psychological methodology you may believe that you are captive to your past because of what has been done to you, or because of what you have done.

This is so freeing to someone who has been in bondage to such a fatalistic belief system as Freudian therapists promote! Remember what Jesus said: And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32 (NLT)

Dealing with Memories Part 1

2011-11-17T05:00:00.001-06:00

In addition to the past keeping us humble, remembering the past helps us to repent of our sin. The Word of God makes it clear to us that repentance is necessary in the life of a believer. The Lord Jesus Christ tells the Church to remember where they once were, the heights of spirituality they had attained before they fell into sin, and then repent of that sin (Rev 2:5).

Your past can be of great benefit to you in your spiritual walk. There are times that remembering where you have come from is the best deterrent to never going there again! I don't hold to the belief that some Christians have that any "memory" is a bad thing. If you have been reading the posts this week, you have seen the importance of remembering the past in all sorts of situations and lives, going all the way back to the Old Testament. In fact, there are over 100 times God tells us to remember something from the past!

The Bible tells us that our memory and our past is a gift to us from God that is to help us live in a manner that glorifies Him today. Attempting to erase our memories is not a good thing for a number of reasons. It is nearly impossible to completely eradicate our past from our minds and short of a traumatic brain event of some sort. If we did not have the past to learn from, we would continue to blunder right back into the same foolish and sinful situations. This is why I believe that our past can be of great spiritual benefit to our present.

Sadly, many so called Christian psychologists and psychiatrists speaking and writing today have been largely influenced by Freudian theory. Even worse, this line of thinking has been bought lock, stock and barrel by the church and has infiltrated into the belief systems of pastors, teachers, and "christian counselors."

Books like Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am? and Telling Yourself the Truth are popular today, even among Christians! The argument for this line of thinking goes something like this:
"There is too much superficial Christianity today"- that sounds reasonable and even true, doesn't it?

Remember, the question we must always ask is, "did this come from the Bible?" Are you able to find solid support for this from the Scriptures? Is the approach one that the Bible instructs us to take?

I think that the reason people buy into the superficiality is that most are what I would call "shallow copers" - ill-equipped to cope with who they are on any more than a superficial level.

To rectify this problem and become whole and real people who are Christians psychology says we have to go back and dig through our past and our pains, go into our subconscious and experience the deep pain of having our unmet needs met. The childhood needs that have gone unmet by our parents and our churches and all the others in our lives who have added layers of pain onto our lives. Is this any solution? If it is, then why are people in therapy for years?

What about healing our memories? Some suggest we need to relive the memories, experience the pain or fear or anger, whatever the experience was that traumatized us. As we relive the memories we are to visualize Jesus in the room with us. Is there anything of the kind in the Bible?

There are several other psychologized methods used to deal with our memories, and none of them is found in Scripture or is remotely Biblical. What they are is a form of slavery to the one who participates in them!

More tomorrow

The Past in the Shadow of the Cross

2011-11-16T05:00:00.003-06:00

We have been spending some time this week looking backwards, thinking about the benefit of remembering our past experiences and our past successes and failures. Our past is as valuable to us as our present in many ways.

The past is a part of us, no matter how we try and escape it, and it is often used by God to minister to other people. Looking back at the Old Testament records, we can see that the Kings read the chronicles of their past, and gleaned much wisdom from them. Even when they had the chronicles read to them because they could not sleep, God used those records of days long past to effect the future of Israel.

I believe that there is a place in yours and my life for remembering our past too, even our past sins. We are not to remember to wallow in them or to beat ourselves up over them, but to remain humble.

"Remember! Do not forget how you provoked the Lord your God to wrath in the wilderness." Deut. 9:7 (NKJV)

While this verse was written to Israel once they entered the Promised Land, I find application to my own life as well. I was once very much in the wilderness, and I was under God's wrath.

It is so very important that we forever keep the cross and the cross work in our view! When I remember who and what I was before Christ took my life to Himself I am incredibly humbled by His choosing me! When I think of the wretch that I was, choosing to live my life in complete and total rebellion to Him and His Son I am filled with awe at His grace and mercy. I know that there is nothing that I could ever do to make up for who I was or how I lived my life. I know that I deserved hell and damnation and were it not for Christ and His sacrificial death on my behalf I would remain lost.

I don't want to forget how my sin caused me much trouble in life! I think this is a benefit of remembering the past. Because of the pain sin caused me then I am reluctant to sin in the same way now. In the times when the knowledge that to sin does not bring God glory fails to be enough to deter my sinful heart and flesh, the memory of the pain and aggravation sin brings me adds to the reasons to flee from sins temptations.

Can remembering the past help you to repent? Check in next time to find out.

Stewardship of the Past

2011-11-15T05:00:00.000-06:00

How much do you apply the truth of what you know to your life? Do you take verses such as Romans 12:1 and make practical application of that truth to your life? Do you consider yourself a living sacrifice? Are you really excited about growing and changing? Does progressive sanctification energize you?

I hope so because if you are not excited about these things then you are probably a poor steward of your memories and lessons of your past. A woman who focuses on all that God has done in her past is applying truth today out of love and thanksgiving for the faithfulness of God.

If you have had the sad experience of growing up in a bad family situation you may not look at your past as something to remember with fondness. Your childhood may be something you would rather forget ever happened and the idea of looking back on it with thanksgiving might make your blood boil.

Thankfulness is born out of perspective. You made it through, you survived it all. God has equipped you with the ability to minister to a select group of people who are currently suffering what you once did. You can be an encouragement to them, a lighthouse in their stormy darkness, a beacon of hope- providing that you have not become or remain embittered by the experience.

You can help others begin to look at the fact that God was completely aware of the circumstances of their lives before any of it ever happened. You can teach them about His sovereignty and His wisdom in allowing it all to take place, and you can minister to them in the way you know only someone who has "been there" can minister to them. You understand the emotions and the heart attitudes that are prevalent and address them in that persons present, perhaps preventing future problems for them.

This is a productive and God-honoring use of past painful events and will bring God glory. In serving others you will also achieve healing for yourself through the ministry of the Holy Spirit in your heart and life.

Not long ago I met a woman who had been severely abused at home and further abused when she ran away from that home. She was abducted and raped and lived on the streets as a drug addict for a number of years. While her past is tragic and even horrific to have lived through, she uses the experience to help others through her counseling ministry. Rather than hiding it all away where it can be of no use to anyone, she patiently ministers truth and love to other women who have been down similar paths in life.

This is being a living sacrifice, and available for God to use in ways that are holy and acceptable for His glory.

Detour Ahead!

2011-11-14T05:00:00.001-06:00

Someone I know recently began a new job working for a company that does roadwork. Part of his job is to coordinate the signage for the construction zones. The other day he let me know that if I planned to take a certain road I had better do it soon because it was a 6 lane road that would be down to 1 lane in both directions. He told me it would be a big mess and I would want to avoid it at all costs.

I think many of us view issues and problems in life the same way; we want to avoid them at all costs. Many would willingly drive miles and miles out of their way to avoid construction zones, even knowing that it is sometimes better to go through them rather than go around them.

They seem to approach problems and “construction zones” of life in the same way, using distractions as detours to avoid the critical heart work that is to take place in us for the glory of God. The distractions take the form of excessive television or movie watching, internet play, shopping, talking on the phone, or working many hours a day to keep themselves distracted. Sometimes the distractions are more harmful and include excessive alcohol use, taking prescription or non-prescription medicines to dull the senses or even illegal drugs to escape reality.

The good news is that God is the Master Builder and He will not be detoured. If you are a person who has been seeking escape that may not sound like good news to you, but I assure you it is! God is a sovereign and faithful God who knows what He has planned for you. He knows the destination He has in mind for you and what it will take to get you there.

For some of us it means sacrifice; giving up things or people that were important to us because they will not bring about the righteous life that God desires. You may also have to confront various sin issues in your life; acceptable sins that you have tolerated or cultivated thinking they really didn’t matter.

For we also once were foolish ourselves, disobedient, deceived, enslaved to various lusts and pleasures, spending our life in malice and envy, hateful, hating one another… But avoid foolish controversies and genealogies and strife and disputes about the Law, for they are unprofitable and worthless. Titus 3:3,9 (NASB)

God will dig up the paths you have been on; sometimes even creating what appears to be an earthquake or what may feel like total destruction in your life. He is revealing and uprooting areas of idolatry and while those times are never pleasant, faith and trust in the God who loves you with an everlasting love will sustain you through the journey. Those times are intentional and purposeful, stripping away everything you count on and lean on that distracts you from Him with the intent of drawing your closer to Him.

I understand these can be discouraging times. Seeing our sin and examining the sinful heart through the eyes of prayer and Scripture should lead us to confession and repentance. It is intended to break us of self-deception and self-justification for sinning. To remove the “Yeah, but’s” from our conversations with God and strip away all our foolish pride.

We can also become discouraged when our lives are taken in a very different direction than the one we wanted to go in. Many a person who thought they had life all figured out and were driving toward their goal has been re-routed and found themselves in a place they never thought they would visit, let alone live there. It is very tempting in those situations to be angry with God for changing our plans. We must be careful to remember we are subordinate to our Maker, placed here to do His will not our own. Every plan is to be submitted to our Lord for His approval, and we must surrender our will to His- willingly if we are going to imitate Christ.

…but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:2b

Remember that detours are not always bad things! Once while back in WI we decided to ignore the Local Traffic Only signs and chose not to follow the posted Detour signs, what a mistake that was! Our journey was much longer and far more perilous and hard on the car (and its passengers) than if we would have just taken the Detour! Those signs are there for a reason; because danger is ahead!

How many of you have wished in hindsight that you would have heeded the warnings of God and not gone down a certain path in your life? In your infinite wisdom you proceeded on a path that you were warned against traveling, and it brought you only pain and heartache and then the discipline of God for your efforts. Listen to the Spirit of God as He speaks to you through the Word. Take heed to those people God has placed in your lives that are wise and discerning!

The best news is that God has the eternal destination of the Believer already secured. Our place will one day be with Him in the heavenlies where we will rule and reign with Him forever. Until then, obey the signs!

How to Respond to Hurt

2011-11-11T05:00:00.001-06:00

Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men. If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. Romans 12:17-19 (NASB)

There are times in relationships of all kinds that we experience being hurt by people we care about. When were are slightly hurt by them we tend to brush it off or chalk it up to "having a bad day" or something like that. However, when we are seriously hurt by other people in our lives we are often at a loss as to what to do with our emotional response to that wound.

I was once rejected by a close friend and I spent day and weeks wondering what I did to cause her to cut me out of her life. Was I a bad friend? Did I do or say something she could not accept? Was it something so great that it could not be forgiven?

When my first husband left me I wondered what I did wrong to cause him to choose someone else over me. I was a very young Christian and I did not know much about the Bible at that time. I made many, many mistakes in how I handled the situation. I tried to make all sorts of bargains with God and with myself to try to get my husband to come back home. At some point I must have begged and groveled because I believe so strongly that marriage is forever.

I was very focused on how this would look to my unregenerate friends and family, because we had made no secret of our conversion to Christianity from Catholicism. Some of my motives were very wrong for wanting him to come back home and reconcile the relationship. There was little focus on God and His glory, it was much more about me and my desires. Of course, I knew that God hates divorce and I certainly didn't want one, but I confessed after a time that my desires for reconciliation were more about me and not quite as much about God's glory as they should have been.

When I realized I could not control what my then husband did with respect to the marriage, I began to demonstrate sinful anger, outrage that he would do this to me, disgust at his behavior and I wanted to inflict on him the pain he had inflicted upon me. I wanted to hurt him and as the saying goes, "hit him where he lived."

This is the common response to hurt and pain. We are all at times tempted to return evil for evil, sin for sin, and pain for pain. It is in our human nature to want to strike back and avenge ourselves. It goes very much against the grain for us to sit back and do nothing when we have been hurt even a little bit. The desire for revenge is even more ingrained when we have been deeply hurt.

This is why passages like Romans 12:17-19 are critical for you and I to commit to memory and to make application of in daily life. To set aside the desire to avenge ourselves is the godly response to these kinds of assaults. We can be confident that our loving Father is completely aware of the things that are done to His children, and that He will most certainly take revenge on those who have harmed His own.

The human response to that truth is "Yay!" You may find yourself rejoicing, knowing that one day he or she will get what is coming to them, but even in this God cautions us to respond rightly.

Do not rejoice when your enemy falls, and do not let your heart be glad when he stumbles; or the LORD will see it and be displeased, and turn His anger away from him. Proverbs 27:17-18 (NASB)

The right response of the Christian is to pray for those who have hurt them. Praying for them to repent of their wickedness is what will glorify God. Praying they turn from sin and make a new direction in their life that will bring about the peaceable fruit of righteousness will honor God and bring you peace in your own heart.

“But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you." Luke 6:27-28 (NASB)

If a Christian refuses to pray for their enemy, how can they reflect Christ in their life? The model that He left for us was to forgive those who hurt us and to forgive abundantly; the way that we have been forgiven by Him. This does not mean we put ourselves in harms way again, or that we necessarily resume the friendship we had with the person, as in my first example. We are to be wise and discerning as well as forgiving.

In a relationship such as a marriage, even in cases of adultery the goal is always forgiveness and reconciliation with the spouse. Trust must be earned and abundant discernment is needed in these situations, but a marriage truly can be put back together when forgiveness has taken place. When both people are willing to do what glorifies God and take every step that is necessary to right the wrongs that have been done, a wonderful and beautiful marriage will be the result.

Identifying My Motives

2011-11-10T05:00:00.001-06:00

Generally speaking, our feelings are revealing our hearts to us. This is important to understand for if you want to correct unhappy or sad feelings, you have to address your heart. For as much as I know about biblical counseling when I apply this truth to myself I still don't like it! I would much rather blame how I am feeling on someone else, take a circumstance in my life and say that "it" is the reason I am feeling sad, or angry or even depressed.

Biblically, most of the time my feelings and emotions are my responses to things that a sovereign God has brought into my life. He allows hardship through financial reversal, He allows rebellious children who throw away all the truth that has been poured into them, He allows job loss, He allows our husbands to sin against us, He allows our bosses to treat us unkindly, and He allows our country to be taken over by people we don't approve of.

How I respond to these or any other things that take place in life reveal what I believe about God. Isn't that amazing?! Next time you find yourself "in a mood" about something, try asking yourself questions like these:

What do I want that I am not getting?
What am I getting that I do not want?
What perceived right of mine is being violated?
Who or what are my thoughts focused on now?
Have I pinned my hopes on something that I have been denied?
What do I believe would make me happy?

Asking yourself questions will help you clarify what your thought patterns are, they will help you understand why you are feeling the way you are. The answers help us to identify what is going on in the heart that is leading me to think, believe, and desire the way I am at that point in time. Once I know what I am thinking, and if it is in line with God's Word or not I can make a correction to get it there. When I can clarify what I am believing to be the truth I can compare it against the truth of Scripture and see if is measures up to God's unchangeable Word. When I can identify what I am desiring or worshiping in my heart I am able to determine if I am practicing some from of idolatry and once I know what it is I can rid myself of it and return to worshiping God alone.

So many times women have told me what a huge change has been made by practicing this one aspect of counseling! Understanding what one thinks, believes, and desires in their heart is crucial and critical to true change of life.

Of course, there are certainly times when we are in the midst of tragedy and great loss that we can barely make sense of our thoughts or our feelings. They are too jumbled and we are in a daze of pain. For instance, when my Mom died, I had a pile of feelings and emotions that I had no clue what to do with. I was happy and devastated at once. I was relieved and guilty at the same time. I was rejoicing and sorrowful. And I was also numb.

When I have difficult issues to deal with it is not always easy for me to put this together and understand my thoughts, beliefs and desires. Emotions want to sweep us away and you may find you have to work at this a while and then set it aside and come back in a while. I will never tell you this is an easy process, because it is not. It is a fight against the flesh that desires to wallow and sulk and ruminate.

Even the desire to wallow, sulk, and ruminate has to be examined! What is the reason I want to do those things? Is it because I want sympathy? Is it because it feeds my flesh? You see, in our humanity our deceitful hearts take us places we don't realize we want to go. This is why the Spirit of God must be leading the charge for change. I have a hard time discerning what is in my sinful heart because I lie even to myself! But God who sees and knows all- He is completely aware of all of the contents of my heart and only He can help me to overcome.

A Permanent Solution to Temporary Problems

2011-11-09T05:00:00.001-06:00

When I was a teenager I had periods of time where I thought I was "depressed." In hindsight, I really didn't understand what depression was, but I knew I felt sad. There were times I even felt sad enough to consider doing something drastic to stop the feelings. I experimented with drinking and drugs as ways to forget my feelings, and I am willing to admit I flirted with things like cutting long before it was "fashionable" to do so. I am also honest enough to tell you that at times I considered suicide as the way to end my troubles and sorrows.

We are living in a period of time that many people find themselves feeling overwhelmed due to crushing financial pressures. So many people are out of work, and are struggling to pay their monthly expenses and put food on the table for their families. This is happening to people in their late 40's and 50's who thought they were heading down the home stretch toward retirement. They suddenly find themselves in line at the unemployment office or working at a low wage job because it is all they can get.

Marriage relationships are struggling terribly as well. It is hard to say what is driving these marital difficulties to accelerate, but what we see is that couples that were functioning before are now collapsing under the strain of daily life.

Our kids and young adults are not immune to tensions and pressures either. The problems at home between Mom and Dad, the underlying stress of the financial woes of the family, and the normal stuff of teenage life are combining to create the perfect storm of angst in our kids.

People in all these categories are considering the most drastic of solutions to their problems, suicide. Every 15 minutes someone chooses to end their life. Suicide is the 11th leading cause of death in the United States. Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems.

They choose suicide because they believe their situation is hopeless. They cannot see any way their circumstances will change for the better and many times they have tried to do everything possible to fix or rectify things and they simply see no end in sight. They describe being overwhelmed, depressed, miserable, sad, and hopeless.

Both David and Elijah in the Old Testament experienced such feelings and thoughts. Both of these godly men had great spiritual highs and experiences with God and they also had crushing lows. David was king over Israel and was known as the man after God's own heart, yet he committed adultery and murder! This brought him to a place of great despair and depression as he experienced God's hand of conviction and chastisement on him. Look at Psalm 38 to see his expressions of sorrow and depression!

Elijah also struggled with such anguish he wanted to die. God used him in a mighty way (1 Kings 18) to defeat the prophets of Baal and on the heels of such a great spiritual high Elijah ran away hopeless from the evil Queen Jezebel. He ran into the desert, and begged God to take his life (1 Kings 19).

Jeremiah, Jonah, and even Job all despaired of life at times because their misery level was so high. The things we suffer with in this life are no different in nature than their troubles. Of course, our individual circumstances are different but the solution is the same.

Hope is the solution to the temptation of suicide. Our hope is not in worldly things like winning the lottery or coming into an inheritance, nor is it in other earthly or temporary things like new cars or even people who tell us they love us. Our hope is only found in a restorative and regenerative relationship with God through Jesus Christ.

Jesus is the one who gives us hope in this life and the one to come. When a person has a permanent relationship with God in Christ it can (and should) change their outlook on all aspects of life. The understanding that all of this is temporary and that a perfect blissful eternity waits for us is encouraging. Knowing that the Lord uses my trials and troubles to change and perfect my character is also uplifting because it makes them purposeful. I am not being subjected to difficulties without reason, these things are intentional and allowed by God. He promises to bring beauty from ashes and to bring glory to Himself through our lives.

Suicide is never the solution to problems of any kind. If you are really struggling I urge you to get counsel, get help from someone who can lead you in the right direction- away from suicidal thoughts and toward hope, healing and help.

Just One More

2011-11-08T05:00:00.001-06:00

For people will love only themselves and their money. They will be boastful and proud, scoffing at God, disobedient to their parents, and ungrateful. They will consider nothing sacred. They will be unloving and unforgiving; they will slander others and have no self-control. They will be cruel and hate what is good. They will betray their friends, be reckless, be puffed up with pride, and love pleasure rather than God. They will act religious, but they will reject the power that could make them godly. Stay away from people like that! 2 Timothy 3:2-5

My husband tells the story of Howard Hughes who was once asked how much money, how many more dollars would be enough. His response was "Just one more."

Many people live with the "just one more" philosophy. One more drink, one more pill, one more shopping trip, or one more pull of the lever on the slot machine. They believe they need one more of something to make themselves happy or fulfilled. Very rarely do we hear of such a person saying that they need to read just one more chapter of Scripture, or spend just one more hour in prayer.

This is because people tend to worship the created things rather than the Creator, effectively making idols of worship out of objects.

For even though they knew God, they did not honor Him as God or give thanks, but they became futile in their speculations, and their foolish heart was darkened. Professing to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the incorruptible God for an image in the form of corruptible man and of birds and four-footed animals and crawling creatures. Romans 1:21-23 (NASB)

God is set aside with the exception of being approached like some sort of Cosmic Santa Claus who can provide their wants and perceived needs. He is not worshiped as God nor given the honor and glory that is due Him. To "use" God in this way is an affront to God.

God is not there to serve us, He exists to be honored and glorified by His creation. God desires that we are satisfied with Him apart for all we think He can "do" for us. Our joy and contentment must come from our relationship with Him and who He is, not the stuff He gives us or does for us in the world.

God will never tolerate our love of "stuff" over love of Him. These things that become gods to us will be destroyed by God before they completely destroy us. Our flesh will always cry out for more and more gratification, and truly, the best thing that can happen to some of us is to have our desires come to an abrupt end through whatever means God determines is best.

But godliness actually is a means of great gain when accompanied by contentment. 1 Timothy 6:6 (NASB)

God's desire is we are completely satisfied in Him in riches and in poverty. This is rare and difficult to attain in our age of excesses of all kinds. Our lives here are a training ground for the life that is to come with God in glory. How important do you think people will find the new car they left behind or that designer handbag? What is of eternal value is what should be sought after and cherished, not temporary pleasures that will never be enough in this life anyway.

A Tribute to the Heroes

2011-11-07T05:00:00.001-06:00

We spent this past weekend in Wisconsin. Those trips home involve long hours on the road and many logistical movements. This visit contained more than usual as we had a number of events taking place.

There was the wedding celebration of a cousin and most importantly, the celebration of my dad’s 90th birthday. Added into the mix was a special honor for my Dad.

My Dad is a WWII Veteran, and he was selected to go on an Honor Flight (http://www.honorflight.org/) to Washington DC this past Saturday. My husband and I took him to the airport at 4AM and there we saw the remnants of the last great generation I fear this struggling nation will ever see.

As I looked at this aged population of heroes I was overwhelmed by the reality of what we are losing as they pass away. They are men and women of courage and conviction, duty and honor. They came from a time when men were not metrosexual or thought they were trapped in women’s bodies. They were solid, hard core men and proud of it.

Leaving my Dad alone at the drop off point was a little hard. I had not met his guardian for the day and I really wanted to. The Vets were to be treated to breakfast then board the plane for DC. I knew it would be an exciting and full day for him.

When the Vets arrived in DC there was a large crowd of people there with signs and flags, a military band and cheers and many outstretched hands with smiling faces thanking them for their service. These were all complete strangers to every person who got off that plane. They came just to pay tribute to these Veterans. My Dad was so overwhelmed and so excited he called us to tell us of their reception! He told me privately that he could hardly see their faces for the tears streaming down his face.

They proceeded to visit each of the war memorials- particularly their memorial, the WWII Memorial, and many other national landmarks in 4 busses. At each stop the guardians got off ahead of them and patiently brought out the wheelchairs and assisted those Vets who were unable to walk or needed help due to their advanced age into those chairs and escorted them around the area. They were also taken to Arlington National Cemetery, where no doubt many of their friends were laid to rest. After a long and emotional day, they again boarded the plane for home.

Once the plane took flight, each Veteran was given a packet of letters from home. Their final Mail Call of their military service as it were. These are letters written by the family and friends of the Veteran for them to read on the way back home. My Dad’s contained over 20 letters from his children and grandchildren as well as letters from friends who learned he was going on this trip.

When these American heroes arrived, they were greeted by and Honor Guard of men and women in uniform who lined the way on both sides from the gate through the Security Checkpoint area. At their end began thousands of cheering, applauding, appreciative family, friends, and total strangers who lined the airport walkways turned parade route with balloons and patriotic songs, along with handmade posters welcoming home "Gramps" “PaPa” "Our Hero" and the Brave American Soldiers of WWII. Many of the posters were actual photos of the service man or woman.

The men and women who passed before us on the parade route, many in wheel chairs pushed by their guardians for the day (who paid out of their own pockets for this privilege) were obviously overcome by emotion, openly weeping and shaking their heads in amazement at the crowds and chants of USA! USA! USA! We reached out and shook their hands and thanked them for a job well done many years in the past.

Each time a family spied their Veteran among the group making its way down the parade route, the crowd went wild with cheers and applause for their loved one. We clapped and cheered for these heroes, many of who survived the beaches of Normandy and other horrific battles.

These are the men and women who stopped the evil Axis Powers from spreading fascism across the globe and halted the Third Reich in its tracks. They also defeated Imperial Japan in the Pacific theater. Had they not gone "over there" the world would be a much different place. I am so very proud to say my Dad is one who served.

When we saw my Dad, or rather when he saw us, he burst into a fresh round of tears, for he did not expect every living member of his immediate family to be there to greet him. We cheered and hugged and welcomed home our hero.

Needless to say, the weekend was full and rich and I left overflowing with gratitude to my heavenly Father for giving me such an honorable earthly father, and to my earthly father; Dad, for being my hero and someone I can be proud of.

I love you Dad, Happy 90^th Birthday.

Have You Forgotten?

2011-11-03T05:00:00.001-05:00

…that you put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts, and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and that you put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness. Ephesians 4:22-24 (NKJV).

Occasionally I am contacted by someone who is a former counselee. Usually I get these calls because a sort of a friendship has developed and she just wants to check in and say “Hi.” I like those contacts because it gives me a chance to hear how life has changed for her since we ceased our meetings.

I also get calls from ladies who, despite their great beginnings have fallen back into a sinful habit or lifestyle. They call me because they are hoping I can help them get back on the straight and narrow path. I like these contacts too.

Invariably, their downfall is the result of ceasing to live their position in Christ, no longer walking worthy of their calling (Eph 4:1) and as a result they went back to the grave for a sniff. Instead of living our position go back to living as though we still are what the Bible says we once were: Dead in trespasses and sins, Enemy of God, and without hope.

We easily forget what God has said about us. I have named a very few of the many things God says about His people. We are: washed, sanctified, justified, and alive in Christ

Ephesians 4:22 tells us that the old man “grows corrupt” according to the deceitful lusts. Our flesh (old man, sinful nature) will be with us until the day we leave this earth. If it is fed it will continue to flourish and grow stronger and more corrupt. The flesh is not fed by goodness, it is fed by sinful thoughts and desires that lead to sinful actions. Its desires are insatiable.

An excellent illustration of corruption comes from ancient Roman justice. When a man committed murder one method of punishment was to strap the dead body of the victim to the murderer. The victim would be tied to the murderer at the wrists, chest, legs, and ankles to give maximum skin contact. The murderer would have to carry his victim everywhere he went, there was no escape. As the body of the victim began to decompose flies would gather and maggots would soon cover the body. Acid from the decomposition would begin to eat into the skin of the murderer opening him up to infection from the flies and other means. The stench from the rotting flesh would nauseate the host and he would beg for release from this torture. He would want more than anything to be able to throw off this rotting, stinking corpse and get away. Eventually the murderer would die of septic shock, blood poisoning, or another infection.

The illustration points us to the fact that the flesh of the host grew more and more corrupt as it stayed in contact with the rotting flesh of the dead man to the point that it snuffed the life out of the host. He was fit only for the grave.

When you decide to return to a former sinful way of life you are returning to the grave. You are going back to roll away the stone and peek inside and if your sin still stinks!

Do not be deceived for God is not fooled by these return trips…they reveal a heart longing for something long dead in Christ. We return to the grave because in our heart we still love that sin, we love something about it. Usually it is the way it makes us feel in the moment. However, you cannot just play with sin and expect to be unaffected! You are told to “put off”, “throw off” your former conduct. This implies stripping off, or flinging it far away for you as though it were a rotting corpse.

For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live. Romans 8:13 (NIV)

The longer you stay in contact with your former way of life and the sin it contained the more corrupt you will become. Too often I am told that the person was “just thinking” about that sin and before long, their thoughts had fanned the flames of desire for it. And the thoughts led to sinful actions.

Can I encourage you to stop visiting the place of the dead? What benefit is there for you to go back for another whiff of death and sin? How does that glorify God? Live in Christ! Your life is there with Him at the right hand of God the Father. Live in light and the glory of the risen Christ!

Handling Your Past

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If I gave you the opportunity to give me your life story in 15 minutes, what would you say?

When you think about your past, does it bring back warm and fond memories, of a loving and caring childhood gentle and loving a parents and siblings, or you may have memories of a past that was primarily bad, Would your life story revolve around how you have been mistreated in the past? What has been done to you by someone? What was said/done, or not said/done? Or you may have very few memories of your past, but regardless of what you remember, you have one!

Therefore, I believe it is imperative that we understand what God’s Word has to say about handling our past. God gave us our memory – He gave us the ability to retain and store information in our brains,therefore, He must have a purpose and plan for those memories.

All you need to do is pick up the newspaper or turn on the nightly news to see that the issue of the past is primary in the worlds dealing with interpersonal problems, marriage and family issues, and behavioral matters such as in a legal trial for assault, or murder, or neglect.

Although it is not a popular view, I do not like to excuse poor behavior done as an adult by blaming families, and what happened to us as children.Yes, we may carry scars from our battles; we may have a sore or weak spot where we are especially sensitive, but ultimately, I believe that all of this can be overcome in Christ.

The Bible clearly says that in Christ you are a new creation. You have a new family, the family of God. You have a new father, who is God. You have a new spirit, the Sprit of God, who lives with your very being. You have a new nature, given to you by the Lord Jesus Christ.

I refuse to be in bondage to the philosophy of the world that says we are all a victim of something. I refuse to blame my upbringing for my poor behavior.

Even though I have had some very difficult circumstances in my life, I am not an emotional wreck, I am not a victim, and I am not co-dependant, alcoholic or mal-adjusted, I am a victorious, blood washed, born again believer in the Lord Jesus Christ. I am Victorious! And so are you!

How did I get from there to here?

Because I learned and applied what the Word of God has to say about the past. Because the Bible has been talking about a person’s past for thousands of years.

And the message we get from God’s Word is that a person’s past definitely affects her present and her future.

He who covers his sins (in the past) will not prosper, (in the present and the future) Proverbs 28:13 (NKJV)

Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. Galatians 6:7 (NKJV)

These are Some pretty clear statements about the past and future.

Have you ever noticed how many stories there are in the Bible? There are so many life stories of those who have gone before us. Stories of their lives from beginning to end. Stories of their families, battles, triumphs, tragedies- why? Why has God given us these historical records to read and review? Is it because He is a good story teller? Does He want to give us something to read beside doctrine?

The answer is that those records are there for us to learn from, so you and I don’t make the same mistakes in our own lives. You all are familiar with the saying hindsight is 20/20, well through the Bible; we have the benefit of seeing how decisions at one end of a persons life have affected them at the other end. Sometimes drastic results, sometimes glorious ones.

Your past can be of great benefit to you because you can look back at your decisions and learn from them all! The great ones, and the ones that turned out not so good in the end.

Your past also helps you to accepts new trials in life.

"Shall we indeed accept good from God, and shall we not accept adversity?” Job 2:10 (NKJV)

Job was able to honestly say this to his lovely wife because he remembered the goodness and the kindness of God. He understood God’s faithfulness, and this carried him through the otherwise unbearable trials of the present.